So difficult explaining it !!

[Teresa]

After my thread about my wife not talking in " Loved Ones " , she has raised some interesting questions now she is talking,
I said I couldn't live with hiding any more and wanted to be more open with my dressing not just around the house. So she immediately queried if I didn't want to transition why would I want to be seen dressed as a woman ? If I walked down the village how could I live with people laughing at me ? I tried answering by saying that we are born with female traits that exist along side our male ones, for some reason that part needs to be satisfied, as for neighbours laughing, I pointed out that the figure is estimated to be 10% of the male population are CDers ! So that means even in our village of about 300 there are going to be others, just think next time we go to a village get together at least one other guy will be wearing a bra and panties !
We touched on the subject of help groups and she's going to take some convincing that men meet up just to have a pint and a chat ! I tried to tell that if their partner doesn't want to know it's a way of justifying the need and effort that goes into it !

It's proving so hard to convince her that it makes you happy, it helps with stress and the clothes are just so nice to wear !
Despite her agreeing to let me dress more openly I know it was hard for her to accept and say it, so I'm not pushing it at the moment ! She is struggling to take in what we have discussed so far and we haven't discussed my need to shop or what I have already bought !
When she does decide to see me dressed , she hasn't even considered what I'm going to wear and where they came from, she may assume I borrow her underwear, which I don't or that I have a bra on with forms ! ( Double layered balloons with water rather than bought ones which still feels more acceptable !) I did say when she's ready we would need to discuss it !
It may be better to ask her if she wants to see my avatar picture first ?

I'm sure other questions will crop up but I will thank members on the forum because it made to easier to answer her after reading comments from you all in the last year .

[bridget thronton]

It is slow acceptance if it comes - i now wear most anything most any time without comment from my wife. Makeup is tolerated, so is my long hair (even complimented). I do not wear and padding.

[kimdl93]

The conversations may grow a little easier if you avoid trying to convince her or change her mind. Frame your responses more sharing insights rather than trying counter arguments. Then she can take the information and digest it at her own rate.

[Kandi Robbins]

What I have discovered over the past month or so, after first admitting to myself and then telling my wife, I am a sooooo much better person. There is not enough space here to explain, but despite having fantastic things in my life (wonderful wife, great kids, many strong friendships), I was miserable inside my own head. I now find myself much more loving and very attentive to my wife without trying (it coming naturally), outwardly happy. Once you are able to be who you are, you can then exude that inner peace in your relationships with others. At least that's my experience. Your wife knows, that's the hardest part. Show her how happy you are as a person in general. Hopefully, she will realize that she wants the person she loves to be happy.

Peace.

[bobbimo]

Teresa,
Actually its not just about her fear of you being laughed at. I'm sure that the tongues will be wagging about "did you know that xx's husband dresses u like a girl!!", How can she stand it??
My wife has the same discussion when I try to talk her into going out with Bobbi.
Try going out en femme in another town where you can remain anonymous. Its easier on everyone.
Bobbi

[Marcelle]

Hi Teresa,

Once the news has been absorbed it is going to take some time for her to adjust and understand the whole spectrum and your approach to wait and discuss her seeing you until she is ready is a good choice. When it comes to explaining why you do it well, sometimes it is difficult to past the standard reasons most think we do this thing we do (we are gay, want to meet men, want to transition etc.). I responded to another post "What if someone asked you why you dressed" with a link to a post I wrote some time back. It had to deal with it explaining it to a close friend. I tried the standard approaches but it did not resonate with him until I put it in more of an analogy. Below is a recap . . . I am not sure if it will help with your wife but you never know. This is how I put it to him:

Consider your core identity (what makes you who you are) as a music hall. The orchestra is compose of all the various identities you take on in your life "husband", "father", "brother", "sporty guy", "military guy" etc. etc. (they are all different for each of us). Now in a perfect world those identities would work together in sync to weave a tapestry of music and sound that would resonate harmoniously. They do this because nothing is missing. In my case while my identities all tried to work together, you might say the string section was missing and the only music they could play was chaotic, loud and out of sync. Along came this part of my identity, the lone "girl string section" and her simple and melodious sound slowly brought order to chaos and the tapestry of music returned to harmonious balance.

I qualified this analogy with stating that while I spent 32 years suppressing this part of me, my life slowly disintegrated. It did not happen over night but took time as I was able to keep things together by throwing myself into my work. However over time my private life and eventually my work life suffered and then it imploded . . . a symphony of chaos with no harmony (like an orchestra warming up) loud pointless noise running in all directions. At that point my emotional control ceased to exist and I entered a very dark place. Out of that darkness came a lone simple sound . . . the one piece of my identity I had refused access to the world. I held on to that sound, embraced it and integrated it into my core identity and then one day chaos ceased and harmony reigned. I was truly happy, my life was good, my relationship with my wife was stronger than ever. I had reached a place of coexistence and I could never go back to the dark chaos of before or I would truly cease to exist.

Hugs

Isha

[Teresa]

Thanks Isha it may or may not help but it's a case now of letting the dust settle ! At the moment I feel I've broken a porcelain figure and the pieces are everywhere so now I have to work at putting her back together ! I'm dressing very little at the moment despite what she offered me, it just feels like I'm rubbing salt in the wounds !
She has admitted that all the blame isn't mine, she chose to ignore the internal struggle I was going through when she knew how much I was silently hurting !
I have a feeling she will never come to terms with all the issues with my CDing, I guess she thought it was just putting on a dress for a few hours when no one was looking ! It's proved more complicated to me so I don't think she'll grasp the full picture !

[Brynna M]

Teresa,

I think its commendable that your trying to tone things down while your wife works things out for herself. As for understanding you completely; not human is capable of completely understanding another. I hope for both of you that she will understand better with time. Best wishes.

[justmetoo]

Congratulations to you and your wife on the progress, Teresa. Best wishes!

That's very well put and beautiful, Isha.

[Beverley Sims]

Teresa,
It does please me that you were able to find some ready and helpful answers here.
Keep going, just don't push it.

[docrobbysherry]

U r the one talking to her in her own language , teresa. U r best qualified to explain yourself. Not me, not, isa, u!

Isa, why not just say your all boy band was playing Stars and Stripes forever for 32 years. Only now your girl piccolo player is chiming in too?

[CynthiaD]

When I came out to my wife, I first answered all the obvious questions, and then I added with special emphasis:

1. This is utterly harmless. It hurts no one.

2. I'm exactly the same person, no matter how I'm dressed.

She reacted badly when I first started wearing forms, but I discovered that adding a wig and a little jewelry helped. I think that making an effort to look feminine made it seem more acceptable. Appearing as half man, half woman made it seem like I was mocking femininity. Making the effort to go all the way showed that I was embracing femininity as something good. But every situation is different, so do what seems best for you and your spouse.

[MeredithG]

I am not married, but have often considered discussing my dressing with a younger, quality woman who has been a friend for 10-15 years. We have been super encouraging to each other in important areas as our families, dealing with depression, and our faith. But of course I am concerned whether sharing this with her will cross the line and somehow cause her to reject me as a friend, which would be very hurtful. Telling a friend is obviously much different than a spouse, but these posts help address an important issue for many of us yet to share.

[jjjjohanne]

I think my wife has all of the emotions of fear and shame that I had when I had my first time shopping, first time out, first time telling someone, etc. But, she does not have the motivation that I have to desire crossdressing. Since I have kept her from having to face my crossdressing for so long, she is not where I am emotionally. My wife worries about where this is heading a lot, I think.

A useful resource for you might be the "Say anything" section here.
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...od-and-the-Bad

There may be other say anything posts. I don't know how many of the supposed GGs are CDs trying to influence the conversation... but I find several posts in there that sound like my wife's sentiments. It is helpful for me when I read such posts.