How many of us avoid having a relationship?

[Billie Jean]

I myself tend to avoid long term relationships due to my dressing. I feel it isn't something most women would want to deal with. Billie Jean

[Alice Torn]

Billie Jean, Same here. In the Seattle area, there were a lot more single GG's, and awfully few here, and very redneck and conservative, and dressing gets in the way. i agree. I would like to date if i can become healthy mentally and emotionally, overcome my toxic family influence, accept that dressing is a part of me, but not up to the stress and strife, of seeking a relationship, and may never be. Platonic is what i would be more up to. My older sister has few friends, has a very severe speech impediment, and clings to me, and it bothers me, as people think we are married, a couple. I don't want incest. I want a non family woman friend!

[kimdl93]

You know, it's often said that the biggest thing holding a person back is fear of failure. Once you accept failure as a possibility, an inevitability, and can bring yourself to try again when failure happens, then that fear loses its power and no longer holds you back in life.

If you avoid putting yourself out there because you presume that "most women" can't accept you, then you have lost before you even begin. Besides that fundamentally self defeating attitude, you're forgetting that out of all those women there only has to be one that likes you enough to accept your idiosyncrasies.

[Michelle789]

Me too. I never had a relationship because I wasn't good at chasing after women, because I refused to pretend to be a man in a relationship, and because I didn't want to give up dressing. I turned out to be TS, but that may or may not be the case with most of us here. I have known several TSes in real life who never dated before they started transition. I suppose this could happen to anyone on the gender spectrum, CD, or TS, or anywhere else on the spectrum.

After I started my transition, I entered into my first ever relationship ever in my life, with a transgender man that I met in my support group.

[Alaina R]

I'm over 60 and have been married since my 40's so I don't think about it much anymore but in much of 20's ad 30's I avoided several potential situations for a deeper relationship. Nobody likes to be rejected or humiliated so it makes sense to be cautious. I avoided a number of possibilities during those years where the risk/reward did not feel right. I also had a couple relationships where I did reveal myself that floundered, at least partly, due to my needs. In retrospect, though, I can think of at least two women who I think would have been fine with it but with whom I was afraid to reveal myself. I was fortunate. In my 40's I did start to take more chances and did find my wife who actually enjoys the dressing. Looking back at missed opportunities when you're older and life's possibilities have narrowed is sad. There are no guarantees but you only have so many chances and if you never take a risk nothing will ever change.

[MayaMe]

Same here. It is most likely the main reason I have never dated. I don't feel that there is anyone that would want me and when every time I reach out I get no where. I am also not completely sure where I am on the spectrum and who I am. I think that would make a relationship very hard. I don't want to have to hide myself. It seams the older I get the less I want to keep hiding.

[ronny0]

Their is suppose to be a match for every one of us.
I am sure their are just as many women / girls having the same (commitment) problem as guys, but for different reasons.
If you live in a large enough city, their has to be some one that will enjoy your 'strange' hobby as much as you might enjoy their peculiarities?
Might even be so in a small one horse town, you just never know what others are also trying to hide.

[Jenniferathome]

I myself tend to avoid long term relationships due to my dressing. I feel it isn't something most women would want to deal with. Billie Jean

Billie Jean, I think this is a cop out. You avoid relationships because you are afraid of embarrassment or rejection. There are plenty of women who can handle cross dressing. What they want is confidence, honesty, sincerity, a partner in the relationship. anyone can have that.

[Krististeph]

I was wary, until i found someone who was smart as hell and had a zero BS quotient. I knew i had to tell her before we got too far into the relationship. My CDing /TG has caused a few problems along the way, but after 25+ years, it's obvious that there are significantly more important things than what kind of clothes you wear, or even the gender to may express.

But it does require disclosure at a reasonably early time in the relationship. I gave up on a half dozen before i felt i could trust one- looking back, i might have been wrong about one or two, i was right to wait for my wife, no doubt- so many other aspects.

So I sort of avoided a relationship, at least a long one, until i was sure i could be open with my girlfriend.

Not sure how you score that one, but i'd say i overall it falls in the 'not avoiding' category.

That said, I found someone pretty darn special. I cannot say that what i did would work for everyone. It took me 8-9 years before i found someone, someone i could trust, someone who was a great match... I sometimes think i got lucky, but then 'luck' does favor those who prepare, work, and research....

k

[sarahcsc]

Hi Billie,

Humans are hard wired to avoid pain more than they seek pleasure. It was the basic instinct that helped our caveman ancestors survive predators and the ice age.

If you're asking how many of us avoid having a relationship because of the dressing? I would say none. Because people generally avoid relationships because it is painful (not the dressing). This is a very important distinction to make because nobody would avoid relationships if relationships didn't involve pain.

But the truth is, relationships are painful. We know that but we still want companionship and babies, hence we choose relationships that offer more reward than pain rather that the other way around. Women don't like the dressing probably because they anticipate a lot of pain. They are also right to do so to protect themselves.

I don't avoid relationships, but at the same time, no woman is knocking on my door because of the way I look.

Now all I need to do is to convince myself that this isn't my fault nor theirs, it is just the way the world works.

Love,
Sarah

[GeauxStacy]

I would say I am not avoiding a relationship, just not actively looking for one at the moment. But I like to keep all the doors open because like the old saying when you are not looking for someone, they will find you. And when they do they will either accept this part of us or not.

[lynda]

hi billie,accepting is a two way street,i was in a dadt marrege for close to 40 years, my wife did not like me to dress, so i learned how to blend my style, and this workedand there is nothing i would not do to have her back ,because in the end it was my wifes human touch for me my wife has since passed, because in the end it was my wifes human touch that made me happy,not the cloths , cause now i can dress when ever i want and im not happy.i miss my wifes smile .i miss the fact that we always had each others back..i miss the little things , her scent ,the way she tilled her head when she spoke. i am one of the luckest guys for loving her.all i can say if you really want a relationship go for it ,its well worth it bless you hugs lynda

[Lynn Marie]

I have no doubt that having relationships is a simple biological urge. Now staying in a relationship isn't necessarily part of that urge! Friends, loved ones, lovers, and acquaintances come and go in our lives. Forcing ourselves to conform to arbitrary norms is the crazy and painful part. I'm older now and I try to pick my relationships with some wisdom. Rejecting and getting rejected is just part of growing up. Little kids who get picked last when sides are being chosen to play baseball still get to play and with a little practice get better and eventually get picked first! Don't ever let fear of rejection or anything else be your motivation. Fear is deadly.

[Erica Marie]

For those who have succeeded finding that perfect partner it may be "Easier said, than done". Low self esteem has been the main product of my dressing. Its always in my mind that I will always fail, so sometimes its easier to just not try anymore. After you fall down just so many times its easier to stay down.

[Jenniferathome]

Erica, I get what you are saying, really. But I honestly believe anyone can learn to be positive. It's all about choosing to see the positive in any situation. Even in bad outcomes, there were positives. Choose to remember those. It doesn't happen overnight. Think about like stacking sheets of paper. At first, that stack seems insignificant but over time, it just gets higher and higher. When that happens, you see the positives without thinking.

[kimdl93]

Erica, I understand the feeling and, I'm sure it seems that it's easier to stay down than pick yourself off the floor another time. Jennifer's point is actually reinforced by cognitive therapy. A fundamental of cognitive therapy is that it is easier to act into new ways of thinking than it is to think into new ways of acting. Basically, your mind follows your body.

I know a person who went bankrupt three times...probably enough to dissuade anyone from trying again, right? But he did pull himself off the floor and went on to remarkable success in his fourth endeavor. I'm sure there were moments when He thought, why bother. But he managed to get up and try yet again.

Why did. It work? Maybe just luck...the cards fell his way? Or maybe we learn something from each failure that helps us in the next attempt.

Mark Zuckerberg, in an article I read today, attributed his success to making lots of mistakes. It is so with relationships. None of is given a handbook on how to be transgendered, certainly not on how to integrate relationships with it. You do what you can, make mistakes and learn.

[Adriana Moretti]

I am guilty of this. I cant be bothered with it anymore.....I also find women to be incredibly needy and financially disruptive..well at least MY ex's anyway......cant speak for an entire gender.
There is a relationship brewing though, ........but that is with another CD...this would not be a first for me in the relationship dept either...........more on that as that story develops........

If I DO have another relationship with a women in the future...it will be with a girl who I FIRST meet as Adriana OUT in public

[KarenNY]

I must say I found one girl when I was 19, 20 years old who actually liked my crossdressing -- she was a rare treasure, it turned out. I was already many years into dressing with a supportive mother, but my girlfriend was awesome about it -- to a certain point. Part of the reason we split up was I was dressing more and more often. After that, I avoided relationships for a few years, continuing to dress en femme part-time, until I eventually met my wife. While she started out ok with my dressing, she turned against my dressing once we had kids. Since then, we're on a don't ask, don't tell basis...

[Tracii G]

I do to some extent but I get to the point of feeling closed in if the relationship is getting too close.
Being friends is fine but when they start making comments like you know we should move in together thats when I run for the hills.

[justmetoo]

I don't avoid relationships, and my lack of one isn't due to any concern I might have about acceptance of crossdressing or how it might impact a relationship. Rather, my lack of relationships is due to other aspects of my personality, including shyness, insecurity, introversion, inaction on my part, and social anxiety, and even a lack of strong desire to go through all it takes, to name a few reasons.
I commiserate with Erica Marie, and I understand what Jennifer and Kim are saying. Some of us need help; I know I do, but don't know how to get it.

[Katey888]

It breaks my heart to read some of these posts...

I think I have a good sense of "There, but for the grace of God..." - or actually; "There, but for keeping my big mouth shut and all this under wraps..."

Billie Jean - I think you've probably hit a really poignant nail on the head here... and particularly for women of a certain generation. I do feel this place can become a bit puritanical about the "Thou shalt tell your potentially intended all about your propensity to don makeup and women's clobber in the midst of the second date and if it's a movie date then before the ads finish and the main feature shall starteth.." attitude...

I agree with that - but only if this isn't something that can't be kept submerged for a while... after that, should you choose to reveal your inclinations regarding a more feminine appearance, then at least your percentage chance of maintaining the relationship increases. But it's still probably not good...

Look... (got that from Tony Blair) - not everyone leads an entirely pure, truthful and sanctimonious life... (got that from TB as well - Ha Ha!) perhaps there is something to be said for keeping quiet about something that we all agree doesn't make us bad people, but it doesn't mean we have to yell it at everyone we meet OR develop a nascent relationship with either? Does it???



Katey x

[Jackie7]

I have always found, since 1999 when I started going out in the city dressed en femme, and to cultural/social events dressed en femme, that SOME women are very interested in me. And other women are not. I have experienced this myself and I have seen it for other people: if you have the courage to be who you are from the start, and don't hide, you can skip a great deal of discomfort and you will find yourself talking to people who are interested in you, either despite your crossdressing or perhaps because of it. Whether any of them becomes your partner is another matter, but if you never give it a chance you will never know.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Billie Jean, it's really about priorities. If crossdressing is an all consuming, self defining priority in your life, then you'll definitely struggle to find a partner who will put up with that over a man who considers it just one part of his many parts. It's not impossible, sure, but women want to be with someone who equally wants to BE with them. I have to say, a man consumed with crossdressing is not a man who is entirely present.

So figure out WHO you are (feeling like a woman inside is definitely a bigger issue than just liking feminine presentation) and whether a relationship is even as important to you as dressing, and if it is, I don't see why you can't work on finding a healthy balance in your life that accommodates both. Remember, I'm the worst case scenario here as I HATED my H's crossdressing when he first told me. Yet, here I am, annoying y'all. I still don't like it, but yes, we're happy. Why? Because I am more important to my H than this quirky genetic lottery he's been dealt and so are our children and family and his job and....you get the picture. Crossdressing is not all he is. Not even close.

Balance. Anyone can find partnership and happiness if they can figure this part out, whether you crossdress or not.

[JayeLefaye]

...
If you avoid putting yourself out there because you presume that "most women" can't accept you, then you have lost before you even begin. Besides that fundamentally self defeating attitude, you're forgetting that out of all those women there only has to be one that likes you enough to accept your idiosyncrasies.

Oh, I so have to agree with this. Dating , at any age is a numbers game, and as Kim says, the magic number is "one "... But as Tink points out, if being a cross dresser is the only thing you're bringing to the party, then the number one will also be prominent as in, "Table is ready, party of one".

I can think of a dozen reasons for not wanting a relationship, but being a cross dresser is not one of them. It just makes it a little harder to find the right one.....But at least be honest with yourself, and don't use being a cross dresser as an excuse for not even trying. That puts the blame, unfairly, on the GG's because you 're basically saying that they're all narrow minded-up tight-neoconservative- fuddy duddies.... And I beg to differ.

Like Katey, and others , it breaks my heart. We CDers have so much to offer, that it 'a a shame that the odds seem insurmountable...And I sincerely hope for the best for all of us!

Now get out there , find your Mount Everest and climb the dang thing!
Jaye

[Billie Jean]

Tinkerbell-GG there are times I don't dress for long periods of time. The dressing is not something that most of us can quit as the urge can be quite strong when suppressed. My ex knew of my dressing and was excepting for the most part til our children came along. Then it was something I could do as long as it was in private. The last relationship I was in she saw some photos on my computer and told me that if I put on a dress it was over. Needless to say we are not together anymore. An old girl friend from HS said she liked going to TG friendly clubs and has even told me she would help me with dressing when we were joking around a while back but she is already in a relationship and now in a different state.
Well what I am saying is my experence is that though I'm not wanting to be full time I have strong urges that I don't want to supress. Billie Jean