DADT or make a stand?

[ashleymcculloch90]

Do you think we should live in a "closet" or should we expand past our personal metaphorical box?

I have personally always been afraid to show the woman locked in side me. In the last year I have made many strides to introduce Ashley to the world one person at a time. Some have not been supportive, the rest have been. Its hit or miss really. But what I want is for it to not be a question. I am starting to believe that everyone will become respective if a choice is not given.

So how dose everyone else feel? Are you ok with the "closet or are you of the same mindset as me?

[Nikki A.]

It depends on the person, there is no right answer. As for me, I'd prefer to let people know, but there are some that that don't need to know.

[Jaylyn]

I'm with Nikki but I am still closeted and only my wife knows.

[Nadya]

For me, what I want and what I'm currently comfortable with are two different things. I'd love for everyone I know to know about it but I am not comfortable with it. I know that some people even though may not be confrontational about it, may be extremely uncomfortable with it. Someday, I'd like to have more people know about it but it will take time. What works for me may not work for others but I do have a desire to have more know about it.

[carahawkwind]

I think younger people can get away with being a little more open about it, I think they have more options as finding people that are more accepting, but at the same time you need to pick your spots. I'm open to my wife and her sister and some friends, but have no interest in telling my coworkers and older family members, the risk just isn't worth the reward in those situations.

[Donnagirl]

This is very much up to the individual and the circumstance. I've told practically everyone because I had to, but my circumstances are fairly unique.... I know others where any reveal could be fairly catastrophic.

I think all we can do, all we should do is support the decisions made by our colleagues in a non judgmental and positive manner. We need to ensure we don't inadvertantly pressure someone into an untimely or poorly thought out, rushed decision.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

It's a sum that's different for each person.

Risk of telling versus need to tell.

[ashleymcculloch90]

But here's what I don't get. We want to tell everyone but we don't because is going to be weird or uncomfortable. But So is everything else we do. A few examples from my point of view; driving, driving was the worst the first few times I did it, but after a few times it was not an issue. Public speaking, so hard at first but then I over came it. And so on.

The other thing on my mind is why lay down and do nothing when our SO see us as unmanly. To show our masculinity should we not stand our ground just as we do when we want a new car, or tv. My wife has been mad at me before and I'm sure that she will be again. But won't she respect me for putting my foot down for something I believe in so long as I don't make it a personal attack on her.... I don't know just what's going on in my head.

[Rachelakld]

I suppose, if NASA wanted to send a Cross Dresser in to space, I would put my name in the hat real quick.
Since my company has an image to uphold, and I still need & enjoy my job, I think they don't need to know.

So basically it comes down to that all to common question
"What's in it for me?"

[bridget thronton]

It has been my experience that the people who know and like me accept me if I share the hidden part of me.

[Krististeph]

All depends on the people and setting.

When i go shopping- usually near closing- most other shoppers are done- i don't bother hiding that i am shopping for me, nor do i make it a point of show... DADT is a little odd you see- it implies a tacit wrongness.

My siblings have never asked, but i'm 95% sure they know i CD. If they asked? it would depend on why and how they were asking. Most likely i;d tell them they never asked before, and it's not any of their business, they need to find out the hard way- like I did. Why do I do it? Why the hell not? Why DON'T they do it, is what i would ask, one sister, she dresses decently- and she out of any of my sibs is probably the most understanding. I get her, why she dresses nice and such. But she did not take care of her body or brain. The other sibs, they either neglected one or the other. I don't get them very much, I love them as siblings and all, but they are kind of damaged, IMO. they may see me similarly, but i am healthy, mentally fit, hold several very useful jobs, oh, and i'm the only one who stayed married- 24 years now, super strong with my wife. others married 3-4 times, second longest split years ago & moved away.

They have no reason to ask about my CD, not now, but if they did ask very nicely, and i got the impression they really wanted to learn (i teach at college, i can tell the difference), maybe.

But I would not come out to them for any reason. If i decided to start dressing in public, i'd just show up to a function dressed, appropriately of course, and go from there.

But for many years this was a thing that was so trepadatiously(sp?) danced around.. it pisses me off. They are the ones who are chicken. if a student asks me something personal, if it helps support them, i tell them and let them know how and why i set limits and such. if a student is just being nosy, i tell them it's not germane to the class, and unless they are getting 98% or better- worry about their own issues first.

In short, I won't hide, but i won't allow it to be gossiped about, unless it is in an appropriate forum. School is school, unless i'm supporting a LGBTQ student who needs it- and even then- one of the lessons is how to establish boundaries.

Two things for sure- no matter whether you DADT or are open LGBTQ: you have to work just as hard as anyone else, and there will be zero tolerance for any harassment. Most of the student body appreciates this- as it extends to everyone. My areas are not LGBTQ friendly, they are everyone friendly, as long as they are decent and civil, and focus on learning.

Never had a complaint, though i sure some student do not particularly like me, there have never been any issues beyond a slight misunderstanding of the general policy.

In my book that's good. So dadt or come out? I say neither- free yourself from the necessity of a binary choice. What would Bruce Lee do? Whatever works- and discard what gets in the way.

k

[Katey888]

Ashley - you have the advantage many of us don't have here; that of youth, a (probably) more tolerant world than 25 years ago, and opportunities to learn what this thing means to you and whether coming out or compromising with DADT is viable.

Only you will really know - and unfortunately a DADT 'acceptance' is a rather unilateral persepective. What I mean by that: if you are really feeling that you suffer from GID and the pressure for you to do this keeps building, that's a very unhealthy situation for you to keep everything suppressed just because your SO doesn't want to hear about. I really think you should be seeking a good counsellor, and preferably one who has experience of dealing with TG, TS or gender issues - talking with someone who is able to help you understand your real feelings and needs has to be a Good Thing...

For a lot of us, we have too many barriers and years of misplaced guilt to overcome the closet door very easily - things might be different if I were half my age... but they'll probably stay as they are now...

Katey x

[Beverley Sims]

I think circumstances help make that decision for all of us eventually.

[reb.femme]

Hi Ashley,

Out to my wife, her sister, my sons and their partners, but that's it! Probably out to half the English speaking world based on that little lot, but have kept it to the group mentioned by agreement with my wife. I would love to be out to the world but at the same time, what is the gain for me? None really, save for the fact I get to wear a more varied wardrobe at work .

My wife works in a very male dominated environment so would not want her suffering the inevitable jibes that would follow such an outing, so for now it's hush hush....ish!

Oh,......seriously nice avatar by the way.

Rebecca

[Stephanie47]

I am totally content with being in the closet. My comfort zone is my home and my back yard. I dress to relieve stress. To go out as an obvious "man in a dress" and wig would defeat the purpose of why I like wearing women's clothing. I've seen some very attractive cross dressers on this site and others. Some are not young. Some are mature ladies who can carry the illusion off. If you have an outlet to express yourself and the inclination to present yourself to the world-do it!

Many times I sense an attitude of pushing someone or total society for acceptance. Yes, there is legally protected acceptance. But, then there's societal acceptance. If one is demanding acceptance of any behavior from all, you're going to hit a brick wall.

If you feel "everyone will become respective if a choice is not given" does not infer everyone will be accepting and wish to interact with you. The threads on this site have been full of rejections and aborted relationships due to disclosure.

I've never made a unilateral decision on any issue of consequences that this is the way it is going to be, whether it is buying a car or a big screen television. If you're going to be ",manly" and tell her that you are going to advance you're desires to cross dress at levels that may be unacceptable to her, then you have to be ready to bear the consequences of her decisions also. And, those decisions may not be what you expected.

[Tina_gm]

While not a true dadt, she doesn't see it, and nothing of exact details is discussed. There are occasional short convos. I was not upfront with her. She did not get to choose. Her choice now is accept or leave. I have made A life without cding. I have kids, friends, employment that only knows the male side. To release it further than I do would disrupt a good life and stress a good marriage. I look at the big picture. I am more free than before. It's not perfect, but neither is life.

[DeeDeeB]

Hi Ashley,

To borrow a quote from Tom Waits, "everyone I like is either dead of not feeling too well". In my case it is "everyone I like is trans, gay, lesbian, dead or not feeling too well". The last two I'll leave to your imagination, but I don't have any friends who won't accept me as Dee, and I've had enough trans, gay and lesbian friends now and in the past to accept anyone as a friend who would exclude them from friendship. You are the most important person in your universe and while you may lose friends as you come out to them, I can't think they were that good as friends anyway. Like they say "friends will help you move, good friends will help you move the body".

Hugs and best luck,
DeeDee

[Kate Simmons]

I share with those who appreciate who I am as a person. Otherwise I don't bother. My happiness or lack thereof doesn't really depend on other people.

[Brynna M]

My life is so much more than crossdressing. I am so much more than crossdressing. If it takes being DADT to be with my wife then that's my choice. Stand your ground if it means that much to you. I will certainly stand my ground and make no promises to give CDing up (i'm pretty sure I can't) not be made a villain for who I am. But I want my wife more than I want to express my atypical appearance and behavior preferences.

[kimdl93]

This is very much a personal decision. If you aspire to live much or all of your life as a woman, then by all means take the appropriate steps to come out to those meaningful in your life. If your in a relationship and this is a more than rare thing, think hard and long, prepare your script and come out in the most humane manner possible. If you are determined to not expose yourself to the possible rejection of a parent, SO or friend, then keep it to yourself and be very, very careful.

[ashleymcculloch90]

So I waited a bit to respond so I could get a few different prospectives, and to gather my thoughts a little bit.

It seems that most everyone (other than a few outliers) say that becoming Public is a personal matter and is not worth the risk. Be it loss of a SO, friend, family member, job, or social status. Which I fully respect, how ever I must use it to drive my point home.

I'm the first to admit that becoming Public is at the very least making me shake in my boots. Yet that's what brings up the idea for this question in the first place. We are all afraid to share this part of ourselves and most if not all of us question (or have in the past) why we do this. What's this need I have to be as womanly as possible? Yet why dose it matter? Who dose it hurt, and why dose it hurt them? I can't think of one person it hurts in my life. But still it's looked down upon. We are seen as an unsavory lot of people that should stop what we are doing because it's not normal. Asked why can't we just stop dressing and acting out. What "normal" people are asking us to do is to stop being true to ourselves.

We stay hidden because we must. But why? Why can't we be treated the same as none transgender people. The very same question that less than 100 years ago Jews asked as they where being eliminated in Europe. The same questions that women asked when they had been denied the same rights as men. The very same question black men and women asked during the segregation in the south. They all stood up and fought for the right to be treated as everyone else, and earned it. So why can't we do the same, it's the same battle as the right for gay marriage. It's all about unity.

Sadly the main issues in our world are the legalization of weed, and the coming and goings of 4Chan's elite groups.

Sorry that was kind of heavy, but a point I wanted to make.

Thanks for giving me a listen 😘
-Ashley

Oh,......seriously nice avatar by the way.

Also thank you for the kind words reb.femme! I was having a bit of fun the other night and wanted to share it with everyone here.

[Krisi]

Coming out of the closet as a crossdresser is something you cannot undo. Like trying to "unring" a bell or put the toothpast back in the tube. It's something you need to think long and hard about because it's going to change your life forever. It will affect your family, your friends and your career.

Only you can decide what's best for you. Don't make the mistake of deciding to tell your wife because a bunch of strangers on the Internet said you should.

[Launa]

I don't think employers need to know unless you are going to transition. As far as staying in the closet well I've said it many times before that I hate the closet so I'm out and about whenever I can be. I made my decision a few years back when I drove by a funeral on a summer day and everyone was standing in the parking lot. I said to myself you better not have any regrets when you go or at least have as few of them as you can....