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Thread: At what point did you realize transitioning was right for you?

  1. #1
    Junior Member Alliegirl's Avatar
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    At what point did you realize transitioning was right for you?

    It seems as though it's pretty common for a similar narrative to play out for trans* individuals. Start as a kid dressing in secret (or not so secret), keeping that part hidden, and then exploring it more and more, until you go "oh... I'm really a woman born in the wrong body." So how did you know that transitioning was right for you and not just a "phase" or something else? Making the decision to go through with transitioning carries a lot of implications and consequences with it, and it's not something you can just try for a bit then go "oh... yeah... about that... it was fun for a bit, but I'm going back to my original gender." And I ask this because going through the CD forums, talking to CD/trans people, reading posts, etc many have purged their other gender items one or more times. So how do you know that transitioning won't be a similar thing for you?

    I know everybody has their own concerns and worries from career, to family, to friends, etc. And if you're going to transition you should be prepared to lose all of that. But as I explained to a friend earlier tonight is living as the wrong gender but with an otherwise successful life any different than living as the wrong gender with a hard life? To me it seems it's a wash. Either be happy in your standard CIS gender falling into the social norm and go through life feeling "off/wrong" or be happy in your identified with gender and potentially have career, relationship, family, and friends issues for life. Both those options suck. I want to be able to be the gender I feel I am AND be successful in the "traditional" view of it (good job/career, healthy relationship with one/more SO, friends, family, etc). This is where the first paragraph comes in. What was the proverbial straw that broke your back to make you know it was right for you? Or did you just say screw it and go for it and deal with the fallout as it happened?

  2. #2
    Woman first, Trans second
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    I'm in therapy now, and on the verge of making that decision myself. I know on some level deep deep down that it's what I want, but (as my therapist put so eloquently) I'm grieving the coming loss of an identity I've held on to for a long time, even if it's not the one I really wanted.

    I can't say what will push me over to the side of really kicking things off in a permanent way, but I can say that part of what led me to accepting that I'm transexual was the realization that I'd spent 34 years not being happy with myself. I missed a lot of experiences that I would love to have had in my teens and 20's. I'm halfway through my 30s now, and I don't want to miss out on any more experiences.
    Last edited by Zooey; 12-14-2014 at 03:00 AM.
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    Just Saying Hi Traci Elizabeth's Avatar
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    Transgender Member Dianne S's Avatar
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    I remember the precise moment. It was almost exactly a year ago today. I was at a local transgender social group's Christmas party when I realized I just felt right and that I wanted to live full-time as a woman and not just go on occasional outings for thrills.

    Although that moment was an epiphany, it had been building for a while. I had joined this forum and found that, just as in real life, the transsexual discussions were far more interesting and engaging than the crossdresser ones.

  5. #5
    Silver Member Angela Campbell's Avatar
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    I don't know. There really was no single moment I can remember. I kind of crept closer and closer until the fear couldn't stop me anymore.
    All I ever wanted was to be a girl. Is that really asking too much?

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    Living MY Life Rachel Smith's Avatar
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    When the fear of not transitioning was stronger then the fear of transition. That took 57 years btw.
    My parents should have known something wasn't quite right when I kept putting Kens' head on Barbies' body Rachel Smith May 2017

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    Silver Member Starling's Avatar
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    Although I knew from an early age that my head and heart were not male, I became certain transition was right for me at the same time I found I wasn't alone; and that was when I joined this forum several years ago. Of course, as I'm an ancient specimen my awareness hasn't translated directly into fruition, and I've spent the time since my epiphany grappling with the personal issues involved. I've lost the feeling I could ever be a fully realized person without transitioning, which is hard to bear; but I've gained a freedom from shame that I never felt until my experience here, which grew subsequently in gender therapy and a lovely and self-affirming stretch of HRT.

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  8. #8
    Comedian Emma Beth's Avatar
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    For me it started innocently enough doing research on Cross Dressing for a writing project my wife and I have been working with for quite a few years. As I learned more and more I learned more about myself in the process until one day I had one of those aha moments and realized that there was a lot more to myself and began to explore.

    It wasn't easy to come to grips with the realization, but I have come to terms with myself a lot quicker than I thought I would.

    Now I fight with the time it's taking to really get things underway for me.
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    Knowing when is probably something that was so buried, I can't identify it. Maybe the same as Traci. Things like denial and avoidance kept me from recognizing when that was. I can tell you the time I said it was time. That wasn't when I knew but when I openly admitted I knew. I do feel different then the majority as there wasn't depression or a negative life event involved. It was just peeling the onion of my feelings and then deciding that this was the right thing. So it doesn't take pushing yourself until you can't go on and I do feel blessed that this was my path.

    It is tough to compare purging with backing out of transition. Purging is often a sign of denial. A person wants to wear clothes of the opposite gender and because of guilt or personal/social issues, purges themselves of those belongings because, of course, that will make it go away. A person who backs out of transition is hopefully not doing it on the type of whim that purging generally is. Backing out of transition is more a sign of someone either needing some therapy and not getting it, which is very dangerous in this case, or realizing that this really wasn't the right path for them. It is a very tricky thing as something failed them or they failed themselves along the way. But it is far more a problem with how they got there rather than the momentary urge that purging tends to be.

  10. #10
    Member BOBBI G.'s Avatar
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    The moment I realized I had been lying to myself and everyone else I had ever known. Life as I had accepted was no longer a viable option. I was a woman and I had to be one. It was either start to live my live as me or life would no longer be living. I would no longer be a member of the human race. I sought help and a bunch of wonderful people got in line and have helped me to where I am today. All of this has taken place in the past three years.

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  11. #11
    Member Kimberly Kael's Avatar
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    It's hard to separate the "standard narrative" of those who genuinely knew from early on from those who realized they were expected to know from early on. Healthcare professionals helped create this state of affairs by withholding care unless you uttered those magic words. There are obviously a wide range of personal experiences and I'm sure there are many who were very clear in their gender identity from early on. My own path was more complicated and required a lot of incremental breakthroughs before I could admit to myself and others that I had an undeniably female self image.

    After all, my home environment was very much rooted in scientific studies. That I was male was accepted by everyone as axiomatic given my observable physical traits. Pretty much an open and shut textbook case that didn't even seem worth challenging, doubly so given that I wasn't expected to toe the line regarding gender roles or the like. I competed in gymnastics, could cry openly at home without ridicule, etc. So I had nothing obvious to push back against, just the nagging feeling that I didn't fit in. I knew from very early on that I wasn't anything like anyone else I knew, but it took decades to become educated enough regarding the intricacies of gender before I had an adequate explanation. I'd say my attraction for women delayed the inevitable by a decade or two because at least I had something in common with my peers.
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  12. #12
    Junior Member Jessica EnFemme's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zooey View Post
    I'm grieving the coming loss of an identity I've held on to for a long time, even if it's not the one I really wanted.
    That's a good insight. It took me until mid-40's to start seriously thinking about it. I spent my childhood and teens putting on an act to avoid bullying, then I suppose my 20's and 30's putting on an act to not wreck my career (at least I assumed it would). Finally in middle age I am working for myself and finally at the age when you're secure enough to no longer care what others think (and my parents too old to really care either).

    But that part about grieving the loss of who you've been for so long, yes, I feel that. Otherwise I'd be scheduling surgery tomorrow.

    On the other hand, what's the hurry? I'll go at my own pace. It's a liberating thought.
    Last edited by Jessica EnFemme; 12-14-2014 at 07:23 PM.

  13. #13
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    Reading this.

    http://avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

    I've only posted this a million times, but once I read this, it was all one direction

  14. #14
    Senior Member Eringirl's Avatar
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    This is a tough one as I am working through this now. So i am sort of with Zooey on this one. In my heart I have decided. In my head, I am still working out the logistics and the consequences. This is my theme for upcoming therapy and looking to get congruence between my heart and head and move forward. So in a sense, I have decided, but have yet to act until I really wrap my head around it. Right or wrong, this is where I am at.

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  15. #15
    Junior Member Alliegirl's Avatar
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    Sue, I am like you in that there isn't really a depression or negative live event associated with any of it (beyond having ex's end things because I would crossdress or they wanted a "manly man"). And the "peeling of the onion" I can also relate to. Where as the years have progressed what started as a very much outer layer has been peeled away and I feel as though I'm much closer to the "core" than I have ever been before. From wearing bikinis and other womens clothes at a young age in secret, to wearing ex's clothes in HS when I could, to crossdressing more and more, to just feeling more fem every month and feeling more natural because of it.

    As for the purging comment, I realize it's slightly different and not a perfect analogy. But the purging is a "I don't like who I am" kind of mindset generally and wanting to "purge" that part of you. And while transitioning, if done with professional involvement, should mitigate that risk it is still a concern. What happens if you get 2 years down the road and go "that was the wrong choice." You can't really undo it entirely. It's just a massive leap into the unknowable unknown based on a lot of very subjective things/experiences. Yes there certainly are those who are grossed out by their CIS-gender body or depressed because of it. But that's not me. What is me is that I haven't ever felt quite right as a guy. And in talking with my one friend (CIS-female) about it she has never questioned her gender identity, which I had previously thought everybody did because I did and it seems normal to question it to me. When she told me this I really was surprised by it because it was so alien to me.

    Kimberly Kael, your experience sounds very similar to mine. I grew up in a household that was very much realistic, rational, and open minded. I could explore a lot about myself and gender really wasn't a rigid concept. There weren't defined gender roles in my house growing up and so I could be semi-fem while being a CIS-male. And like you I can relate to my peers by being attracted to women sure, but beyond that not much. I like to drink beer (although even there I'm picky about my beer and alcohols) I suppose is as close as a second one I can see. But when they start talking about sports or the usual CIS-male gender stuff I cannot relate at all. And instead I just go into my own head and explore my own mind letting it wander (or put on headphones and go back to work). And those are simple easy to explain things, but I have never really been able to relate very well to most men. I've learned to fake it to some extent, but I know it's just a lie to try and fit this standard narrative gender mold.

    And only recently have I become educated enough to go "you know what, maybe the reason I've never quite been 'one of the guys' is because I'm not. And that instead I'm 'one of the girls'." It's not quite that cut and dry perhaps, but hopefully you get the point. I've always felt more comfortable around female friends than male. With my male friends I'm always trying to think like 'one of the guys would', but with my female ones I am just myself. I also fully understand that doesn't mean somebody is trans or not trans in and of itself, but it's just one of the many pieces that now are falling into place to get a little further towards completing the puzzle of me and who I am as an individual.

    Kaitlyn, wow. This quote in particular early on:

    They develop an aura of deep secrecy based on shame and risk of ridicule and their secret desire to be female is protected at all costs. The risk of being found out adds to the psychological and physiological pressures they experience.
    I'm extremely secretive about myself and don't let people in because I'm scared of what happens if I do. So I don't trust people. Even family, because I don't know how anybody would react and can't predict the consequences of people finding out who I am. Ugh, so much for going to bed early! I now need to finish this lol.
    Last edited by Rianna Humble; 12-15-2014 at 04:06 AM. Reason: Multiposting is making posts one after the other instead of editing the earlier post. THIS time I merged them.

  16. #16
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    Yep I remember that exact sentence.

    I questioned my gender identity all throughout..

    For me it was the distress... I never approached it from the standpoint of "am I or am I not a woman"... I felt suffocated and empty, I didn't want to live (and I didn't want to die either)...my survival instinct kicked in and I headed down this path...and I never looked back because I didn't have to , the farther I went the more I knew that I was doing the right thing...

  17. #17
    What is normal anyway? Rianna Humble's Avatar
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    Wow, with one sentence, Kimberly has invalidated my whole experience!

    I won't go into the history of my struggle against transition, but there came a point when I was having difficulty functioning, I was getting sometimes one or two hours sleep a night and the prospect of ending my life was becoming much more attractive than continuing to live. I tried using cross-dressing for a few months as a palliative. Even though I knew this was not me I thought I could shame myself out of the need to transition.

    There was still something that was more important to me at that point than becoming whole, it was an event in May 2010. Once that event was past, I began actively planning for transition and began my RLE 7 weeks later.

    Things really came to a head when I started getting a physical reaction to having to pretend I was still male. Although I know some transitioners who have difficulty with that concept, the psychiatrist who screened me for other mental illnesses had no problem accepting my experience and even helped me to understand part of it.
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  18. #18
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    Which sentence are you talking about?

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    Wow! The article describes so much of my life, I don't even know where to begin. Thank you for posting it.

    Teri (a G3 kinda gal)

  20. #20
    Member Kimberly Kael's Avatar
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    [QUOTE=Rianna Humble;3655207]Wow, with one sentence, Kimberly has invalidated my whole experience!

    It certainly wasn't my intent to invalidate anyone. Care to elaborate on what struck you so?
    ~ Kimberly

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  21. #21
    Valley Girl Michelle789's Avatar
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    I think there are varying degrees of knowing.

    1. Insisting from a very young age that you are a girl (or boy if you're FTM)
    2. Knowing undoubtedly from the start, but repressing it until you're ready to deal with this
    3. Having feelings from a young age that you are or want to be a girl but not knowing what it is - this is what happened to me
    4. Feeling that you're different from a young age but not understanding you're desire to be female until you're much older

    There's literally a spectrum of how you experienced dysphoria that there is no right or wrong way to experience GD, nor is there a binary like Blanchard claims. I think Blanchard attempted to classify TSes into a binary that he considered to be gay men or men with fetishes - obvious bullshit. Just as gender is on a spectrum. In fact, I believe that both gender and the way we experience dysphoria aren't just on spectrums, but are on multi-dimensional spectrums.

    Back to the OP's question. I was one who had strong gender dysphoric feelings from a young age. I did announce to my parents at the age of 5 that I am a girl, and after they made it clear to me that I am a boy, I quickly learned to never vocalize my feelings again. I would continue to have feelings that I am really a girl on the inside, or a desire to be a girl, ever since. I didn't understand why this was happening until age 22 when I first read about transsexuals. However, I felt like transition wasn't in the cards for me at that age, and I continued to drink until the age of 27. I got sober and my dysphoria slowly went on steroids and went from frequent closet crossdressing with a desire to be a full-time woman to wanting to commit suicide by the age of 32.

    So when did I realize that transition was right for me? I think it was a gradual process. There was no "ah ha" single moment where I knew it was right for me. I first felt transition was the right path for me at the age of 22 when I first heard about it, but I seriously didn't think it would ever happen in real life. By the age of 32 I seriously started to research transition and consider it for real. It wasn't until the age of 33 that I begun taking steps towards my transition. Age of 34 is when I started living full-time and started coming out to people. I am still very early in my transition but I am out to most people in my life including my family. So for me, it was a very organic process. I could never pinpoint a single date or moment in time as the answer to this question. It was gradual, and very much existed on a time spectrum. In fact, my answer to this question is yet another multi-dimensional spectrum with time being one of the dimensions.
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  22. #22
    Junior Member Alliegirl's Avatar
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    Michelle, I identify with 3 and 4 in the degrees you describe. And like you I believe that sexuality is a spectrum, but gender is a spectrum with many more dimensions to it. I don't know if I ever announced I was a girl to family, but plan to ask parents at some point now. I have also learned to not vocalize feelings, although I attribute it more towards just my family and at most a very minimal (maybe 10% of it) towards something like that.

    How have you found transitioning so far? Has it been easier or harder than you expected?

    PS - salads are wonderful! (your sig)

  23. #23
    Senior Member KellyJameson's Avatar
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    I lived for a long time with a type of pressure inside my head but I did not realize it was pressure until this pressure was released and when it happened I could literally feel my brain relaxing into itself.

    Sometimes the pressure was released by seeing truths and it would almost feel like there was a physical reordering of my mind where afterward "life made sense" where before it did not. The understanding drained off the tension inside me and my whole body was affected.

    I could feel my mind relaxing as if a pressure release valve had been opened up. I call these experiences "epiphanies" and they are very powerful

    The other way I felt the pressure release was moving closer to my internalized body image. Wearing my hair long and having any body/facial hair removed along with breast growth from HRT were huge leaps toward feeling normal.

    Before that I had always felt like a stranger in my body and testosterone has always caused me to experience a type of anxiety that was always there but would go from hyper anxiety to a quiet hum type of anxiety but I could never escape this anxiety no matter what I tried.

    Every step of the way came with a confirmation that I was on the right path. RLE even though challenging came with validations that gave me that sense of living naturally instead of unnaturally which is what I had always felt before.

    Looking backwards everything makes sense. I have that strong feeling now of "But of course"

    "Accepting that I am" so "realizing that I am" (a woman) and so than transitioning is like finding a key that answers all those extremely frustrating and impossible questions of "what is wrong with me" and "why do I keep doing these things" that I was always asking myself. My female identity kept trying to create itself even against my wishes, almost like a quiet but sometimes very loud compulsion.

    I always knew I was a woman but refused to "know it" because I was so fearful of what that would mean for me and what I would feel because of this. I had been shamed terribly as a child for communicating that I was a girl and for every act that was not gender appropriate all throughout my childhood and teens.

    The more I fought for my female identity the more others tried to kill it and eventually to save myself from others I repressed my female identity and started to pretend I was a man, immediately condemning myself to a constant abnormal performance.

    It is a bit like being sexually abused as a child by someone you loved and needed and than repressing the memory because to remember it is simply to painful. To remember is than to have to live with it from now on. I had to claw my way back to myself as a woman, back to my original identity from childhood but to do so meant remembering all the pain of losing it and what was done to me and what I had done to myself because of it.

    You have to feel much worse before you begin to feel better.

    Realizing it was right for me came out of the feeling of "being in less pain" the farther I went with it and into it.

    In my opinion when you are a transsexual, transitioning "reinforces itself" so you know it is right for you by how you feel compared to how you felt.

    You have to be careful with this measurement though because there will be very bad days and very good days.

    In my opinion it is very important to never lose sight of how it was "before" or you could have doubts because it comes with some brutal challenges.
    Last edited by KellyJameson; 12-15-2014 at 10:44 PM.
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  24. #24
    Silver Member DebbieL's Avatar
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    For me, there were different STAGES of transition, points at which it became obvious that I was not really a boy and had been mislabeled at birth.

    At birth, there were deformities and I was very teeny down there. Right after my mom died, dad sent me some records and pictures, including the bassinet label which said "Ballard Boy?" - so yes, even at minutes old, there were choices to be made.
    Mom had been through over 50 hours of labor so dad made the decision toward boy. At the time, the doctor said it would be easier to change it later. Much harder to turn a girl into a boy.

    By the time I was 2, my mom realized that it was DANGEROUS for me to play with boys. Since I didn't have the male aggression, I didn't fight back, which made me a target of theft and bullying by ALL of the boys. Often I came home very bloody.

    By the time I was 4, almost all of my friends were girls, and the boys I did play with, had big sisters who liked me as a little sister. I had my own dolls, I sang songs and told stories, I preferred to color and make letters with my girl friends rather than rough-house with the boys.

    When I was 6 I moved to a new school, and wasn't allowed to play with the girls any more. Playing with boys was still dangerous, and I frequently came home bruised and bloody.

    I missed my friends, and dressing up was a way to feel like "one of the girls" - even though it was very lonely. Mom caught me dressed in her clothes, and I told her I wanted to be a girl.
    Mom talked to her therapist about my wanting to be a girl, and was told that the "cure" was shock, torture, and probably lobotomy - best not to let anyone know.

    I frequently came home sobbing and saying "I hate being a boy, I wish I was a girl".
    Cross-dressing was too dangerous - but mom did help me learn to cook, do laundry, clean, vacuum, knit, crochet, sew, do bead-work, and other crafts.
    Dad used to say "Someday you will meet some nice lady doctor and be her wonderful wife - when he said it I would practically glow.
    When mom found out that I was stealing my clothes, she worked out a covert way to give me clothes - I had full wardrobe, boots, and wig. Mom's "discards".

    When movies about Christiine Jorgensen and Myra Breckenridge came out, my parents investigated surgery - at that time, surgery cost more than our house and required a trip to Sweden.

    When puberty hit and I found out I had a bass voice - I got self-destructive and suicidal - drugs, booze, high risk behaviors, starting fights I couldn't win.

    Had lovers during college who realized I was a girl inside, found ways to work with it, or dropped me like a hot potato.

    Got married and wife was clear she did not want me to transition. Tried to settle for being a cross-dresser, but loved being a "mommy" too.

    As marriage fell apart, met with therapist who realized I was hard core transsexual - and it was a miracle that I had survived as long as I did.

    Started to transition in 1988-89 - as I was getting ready for divorce, started Real Life Experience (RLE).
    Ex-wife threatens to have all visitation revoked unless I stop transition. Shows me letter and names sympathetic judge who would do it.

    Youngest graduates from College - I start the RLE process again.
    Father tells me why they didn't help me transition as a kid, falls in love with his daughter - tells me to "Be yourself, that's Debbie".

    Started hormones, gradual transition at work (dressing more feminine, manicures, eyebrows,...).
    Switched to full time - using "Rexxie" until I could get legal name change.
    Legal name and gender change at 58.
    Eligible for SRS at 59 - insurance will provide most of the coverage.

    When I first said "I'm a girl" - I could barely even talk. I would make dresses and skirts, I even called my teddy bear "My Baby".
    Because this was during the 50s, 60s, and 70s, there were legal barriers, medical barriers, social stigma, and prohibitive costs.
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  25. #25
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    I knew almost as soon as I could tell the difference between boys and girls. A huge mistake had been made and everyone was forcing me to be a boy. At 10 years old I read about Christine Jorgensen. I knew it could really be done. I made it my mission from that day forward. It has been 35 years since then. What a wonderful life I am having.

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