At what point did you realize transitioning was right for you?

[Marleena]

I don't see any Blanchard theories there either...

G3 pretty much nails it for me. I still don't have any male friends to this day, just acquaintances. I still feel like I'm hiding because I've only gone the hormone route for the GD so far. I'm trying to take the easy way out and I'm just emotionally drained.

I should have known I was TS in my twenties when I tried to self medicate. The GD had peaked but there wasn't help available here like there is today. Losing my job through a work injury caused me to slow down and the GD peaked again.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Allie that all sounds right to me!! Just managing expectations!!! Hopefully you are seeing answers that resonate with you and ones that don't. I think that's a valuable way to think about it. For 45 years I never told a soul except for two therapists(that knew very little of tg or ts issues and gave me bad advice.)

When I finally started talking to people (as well as posting here) I totally and completely identified as a crossdresser...but there was this uneasy feeling I had that it wasn't true...and my behavior was literally insane...I should write a book about all the incredibly risky, stupid and sad things I did in those years as a I faked being an "out" crossdresser... it was meeting other transsexuals, therapy, and that fricking anne vitale article that converged into my own realization...and in reality I don't think I ever really "decided" to transition...it was almost too overwhelming to think of it that way if that makes any sense... I just started doing the steps and found one by one that they were totally right for me.. my path was VERY different than most but I have met folks here and in therapy that had a very similar experience and that helps me a lot...

[becky77]

I never saw that article until after starting Transition. You know what, it really helped me as it was in parts as if someone had followed my life, it reinforced what I was doing was right.
In a way I have always know but a total lack of self belief and fear kept me slogging along trying to make it as a man. When the time came I just knew it was right and the rest became natural. I'm not saying it's easy but things have just fallen into place.

The Verbose Junk statement was so rude.

[MonicaJean]

"What was the proverbial straw that broke your back to make you know it was right for you?"

Back around Labor Day this year, after 4 1/2 years of searching, reaching out (that started here back in early 2010), learning, reading, conversing with others, etc….that Labor Day wave of depression was the ‘straw’. The choices were obvious: transition or die.

Standing on the precipous of the cliff, I saw myself looking down and thought I could end it right here or step back...be honest with myself and the world and accept losing everything in ths process is a reality.

I stepped back and became honest with myself and the world: I’ve been transgender since the age of 4. By the age of 12-13, a dark cloud appeared in my life. Took me 3 more decades to define it: GD depression. While I was cured of crossdressing 19 years ago this month (it was a miracle, no joke, since it’s about God, please PM me to discuss). I knew we never receive get-out-of-jail-cards as ones who are caged-in by the binge/guilt & shame/purge cycle. So many times I went through that awful cycle, until 19 years ago.

What I didn’t know was that there is a big difference between crossdressing and being fully transgender. That took 14-15 years after that point to open my eyes that no, I didn’t throw-away any miracles of the past and that things are indeed different now, I have no urge to crossdress at all…only urge to be me: a female.

Trying to explain to people the transition or die is met with either “wow! I never knew! I’m glad you chose life! How can I help?” or “Why couldn’t you wait 5 years til the kids are out of school?” or “You’re selfish if you commit suicide!” and the same ones say “You’re selfish by throwing away your family!” Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

I knew that making the decision to live would cost me soooooo much. Thankfully, I’ve been able to meet a couple wonderful tgals from this board and have made friendships that are edifying. New friends are replacing old ‘friends’. And I must say, I like these new friends much better!

It was crushing depression from GD that caused me to drink heavily, eat my problems away until I was very overweight, causing my armpits to sweat all the time (EMBARASSING!). The ’straw’ moment was when that latest wave of depression was greater than any in the past and greater that I could withstand. By the way all of these symptoms are gone. GONE!

Being honest is the best policy It costs us everything, but it’s sooooo worth it in the long run.

But, my story is so very undifferent than many here and elsewhere…knew at the age of 4-5, age of 12-13 depression took hold, thought we could take this to our grave, but our grave found us first. We make the choice to be a survivor because as we know, not everyone chooses life

[Brooklyn]

Like others, I also was depressed for years, but thought that I could find a middle path. It didn't work: My depression and sobbing fits just became worse, and at the same time, I was often being called ma'am by strangers, due to my feminine appearance. I finally relented this past spring. HRT made me feel so much better, there was no question that it was the right choice. So, there was no single event that I can point to, although coming out to my father was probably the last thing holding me back from beginning medical transition.

[Michaella]

I had always been a private cross-dresser, and in my mid-50's decided I really needed to once in my life try going out in public presenting as a woman. I did, and found something, I did not know what, that felt wonderful in it. I think I was reacting to having people perceive me as a woman. I had long realized, since childhood, that I was not comfortable in the male role, there was certainly nothing I could say I enjoyed about being male.

After a few years in that situation -- I do nothing quickly -- I decided there really was something else there than just the kick of wearing the clothes, and thought I should "resolve" this matter for once an all. So I began therapy, and came to realize that I was wanting to live as, if not become, a woman, and that I would begin to try.

From there it have been small steps, interview by a health professional who specializes in trans care, coming out to a few friends, looking at employment issues, starting testosterone blockers and now taking a low dose of estradiol. Are any of these yet the moment of deciding to transition? Not quite. I am told that estrogen use is almost perfectly diagnostic, that one's reaction to it will say with certainty that one will be happier as a woman. 10 days into it, and that has, not surprisingly, yet to happen. In a few weeks, maybe I will know that, conceptually, transitioning is right for me.

I say conceptually because there are practicalities. One is a matter of health. Will I, at 63, be able to handle the medication? There is a concern that my blood pressure is too low (!) for the spironolactone. There is also the matter of my wife's serious objection, a matter too complex to discuss right now. If, if, the estrogen feels "right" then I will have to deal with those other matters.

So, for me there is no one moment, no "point," that is an absolute decision, yet.

Michaella