At what point did you realize transitioning was right for you?

[PaulaQ]

After I attempted my life last year, I realized that I could simply no longer go on. I had to transition. I was so miserable that death was far, far preferable to the lie that was my life as a man.

One way or the other, my old life was just over. At that point, I didn't really care what happened. It was sort of liberating in a way. Transition pretty much had to be better than what I was feeling. Hey, if it wasn't, well, I guess I'd have taken the big sleep. But I knew it would be better, and so far it has been. It hasn't always been easy or fun, but at least the stuff I experience feels like I'm really living my life now, and not just going through the motions, pretending to be something I'm not.

As for my old life - I kind of look at it like this. Imagine your life is a car that you are driving. You are about to crash your car, either into a guardrail, or an oncoming semi, or both if you aren't careful. There is nothing you can do - the wreck is inevitable. You may have some slight control over how BAD it is. Your car is going to get totaled - your goal is to try to leave the wreckage alive. So you dodge and weave, trying to minimize the damage you'll personally take. Most everything else, though, is going to be a real mess.

[LeaP]

Saturday, July 25, 2013. Transition or die! One will happen! Table is open!

[becky77]

When I finally realised I was rock bottom and I should at least try this before giving up on life.
It really was when fear of regret is more powerful, than fear of Transition.
In a way I have always known, it just took a long time to overcome the fear and stop deluding myself I could make it as a man.

[I Am Paula]

It's a long story, but...in a nutshell-
I had been presenting female almost full time, except to my parents, and at work. Living two lives got really hard, and each day I'd check my calendar and decide which sex I was. I knew I was near a breaking point, and had to make up my mind one way or the other, so what does this moron do? I went to the mall and had my haircut, and bought some really ugly guy clothes, telling myself that I could live as a male!! I stood in front of the mirror, hair nicely combed, sans makeup, in a plaid shirt, or the like. It was the worst moment of my life. All at once I knew that I could never be male. But could I be female?

That question answered itself the next day. After dinner with my family, I went for a walk with my sister, and she stopped, looked at me and asked 'What the hell is wrong with you?' I answered 'My gender issues have gotten the better of me'. I had never told her anything about this before.

Here's where I have to make the long story short.
That evening my sister and I went from being fair weather aquaintances, to best friends. She made me promise to call a Doctor on Monday, and get this ball rolling. It was decided. I would begin transition asap.

I credit my sister, and best friend, for saving my life. Without her insistence, I may have dithered for years, maybe the rest of my life, living in a horrible duality.

[Aprilrain]

I'm still not sure transition was "right" for me. I was out of options and God damn tired of thinking about gender 24 hours a day. I hoped transition would help, it seemed better than suicide anyway. 4 years later and many thousands of dollars poorer I'm not sure it was worth it to tell you the truth. Being trans sucks. I have no doubt that for me it was transition or die I'm just not sure I picked the right option.

[Starling]

I'm so sorry you feel that way, April, but I completely understand. I'm pretty much where you were when you decided to transition, but the choice for life--with its immense sacrifices and risks--is proving an extremely difficult one for me to make, and I'm indecisive by nature. After all you've been through, I hope you can get to a place of acceptance.

Lallie

[Rianna Humble]

Wow, with one sentence, Kimberly has invalidated my whole experience!

It certainly wasn't my intent to invalidate anyone. Care to elaborate on what struck you so?

Your opening sentence dismissing anyone who has anything like the "standard narrative"

And no, I will not derail the thread by entering into a discussion

[Marleena]

@ April, I hope you have somebody to talk to there you sound really down right now.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Kimberly said that lots of us didn't experience the "standard narrative". That does not dismiss anything.

FWIW, in my own therapy circle about half the folks said they "knew" since their first thought , and the rest of us floundered along in our own way in our own style of denial.....the "standard" narrative is pretty common and i'm not aware of anyone ever dismissing it..

It's interesting that even if a person knows from first thought, they still often engage in the same behaviors that I did..(that many of us did)..it doesn't really change the idea that sometimes its really difficult to come to the conclusion that you are going to transition... I used the idea that I was supposed to know from day one as a guard against my own inner feeling that something was wrong and that ultimately transition would be in my future...I was brought up believing that it was a necessary condition to be transsexual...for many years this was a relief...(ie I can't transition, i'm obviously not transsexual)..then it became a huge burden as I never really allowed myself to call myself a woman, and that made it harder for me to accept it...

only based on other posts, it appears to me that lots of folks that knew when they were really young didn't always fare much better in getting to the point where they could make things right for themselves..

[Starling]

...it appears to me that lots of folks that knew when they were really young didn't always fare much better in getting to the point where they could make things right for themselves..

Knowledge does not seem to equal power, and sometimes it paralyzes rather than strengthens. I don't think we should ever forget that, with respect to the lonely and awful blow we've had to absorb, we're all pretty much in the same boat and rowing hard, no matter how far we are from comfort on the shore.

Lallie

[arbon]

I have no doubt that for me it was transition or die I'm just not sure I picked the right option.

I'm glad you made the choice you did.

[Alliegirl]

Knowledge does not seem to equal power, and sometimes it paralyzes rather than strengthens. I don't think we should ever forget that, with respect to the lonely and awful blow we've had to absorb, we're all pretty much in the same boat and rowing hard, no matter how far we are from comfort on the shore.

Lallie

Another thing is many people couldn't due to social issues. Many parents don't want a trans child and reject they are trans. Thus keeping them from getting access to the information/resources they need.

[MarieTS]

It was very early. I was only two. While playing with a mixed gender group of toddlers I realized I am one of these, not one of those. My need to transition expanded from there as I grew. But my realization that i had to, my final surrender to reality, occurred when the cumulative weight of my needs, desires, and experiences overwhelmed my attempts to be female only episodically.

[PretzelGirl]

I am going to echo the comment April. I am also glad you made the choice you did. You are a special person and a valued friend to us here.

[Nicole Erin]

Am I the only one who doesn't and never have over-think this whole transition thing?
After my divorce, I decided to change my name and live as a woman. I didn't bore myself with verbose junk like the link Kaitlyn posted.

Does it matter when someone even decided? Do we need another pissing contest over "who thought of it first?"

[Rachel Smith]

Nicole,

Glad to hear your decision was so easy for you, mine was not. When I first came here looking for help and asking questions I came across Kaitlyns link, hell she may have posted it in response to something I ask, it helped me alot. While it may be verbose junk to you it may not be so for someone else.

In response to your questions. It's not about when someone decided it's about how someone decided. No we do not need another pissing contest over "who thought of it first". So why do you want to make it one.

'nough said
Rachel

[I Am Paula]

Jeez...for such a tiny segment of the population, with a BIG thing in common, we sure do fight a lot!
If you don't like the question, don't answer it.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

When you truly don't know what to do, its pretty normal and pretty relevant to ask others how and when they decided... however, its of limited value in the end because you still have to decide for yourself!!! and its really of no value when people brag about how it was no issue for themselves...

I hope the OP got the feedback they were looking for...its either a brutal or easy decision, and it can be made early or late in life or it can even be no decision at all!!! hehe
kidding aside, its the details and sharing of info about HOW you thought about that decision... i think that kind of info can be invaluable..

[Nigella]

Am I the only one who doesn't and never have over-think this whole transition thing?
After my divorce, I decided to change my name and live as a woman. I didn't bore myself with verbose junk like the link Kaitlyn posted.

Does it matter when someone even decided? Do we need another pissing contest over "who thought of it first?"

Nicole, you are not the only one. I just went with the flow, when things were right I made the choice for each step I wanted to take.

Jeez...for such a tiny segment of the population, with a BIG thing in common, we sure do fight a lot!
If you don't like the question, don't answer it.

Experience is what draws us all together, and we all like to share. We are no different from any other segment of the population, the point is that we are all individuals. It is always better IMHO to give the advice/comments etc and let the person asking the question decide what is right for them.

[MarieTS]

An excellent research piece in Kaitlyn's link. I suggest it as excellent background reading. Curious as to which Dysphoric category from the article everyone places themselves in... 1, 2, or 3?

[LeaP]

How about all three?

[Michelle789]

I read Kaitlyn's link, and much of it sounds like Blanchard, except this article states that we really are women (or men in the case of group 2 FTM) as opposed to being men with fetishes or gay men.

I don't identify neatly in either group 1 nor group 3. Although the patterns discovered may have some serious truth, there are enough exceptions to groups 1 and 3 to say that there is no binary of how gender dysphoria manifests itself, but rather a spectrum. Or how about a multi-dimensional spectrum?

What I have in common with group 1

- I never got married nor had kids
- In fact, I had never been in any kind of romantic relationship until I transitioned
- I was never very macho nor aggressive
- My brother always thought my behavior was on the feminine side since I was a kid
- My behavior once I started presenting as female was feminine - feminine behavior and mannerisms came easy to me

What I have in common with group 3

- I had an aura of secrecy and was obviously hiding something, other people just couldn't figure out what I was hiding
- My most noticeable trait to people who knew me as an adult is I was very stiff and obviously uncomfortable in my own skin
- I have a Masters degree and work in tech
- People who knew me as an adult didn't notice any obvious feminine appearance or behaviors or mannerisms in me (they may have picked up on more subtle cues)
- When the psychic pressured me to "man up", date, and get married, my dysphoria significantly worsened

So I'd like to believe that I am somewhere on a multi-dimensional spectrum when it comes to how our dysphoria manifests itself.

Also, why isn't there a group 4? Couldn't some FTM's hide being trans well before they come out, even if it is rare? There are some late transitioning FTMs too.

Although I disagree with categorizing us into binary dysphoric categories, much of what the article said rings true with me and I identify with a lot of it. It is very well-written. But I maintain that I am on a spectrum of both groups 1 and 3.

[Alliegirl]

@Kaitlyn, you are absolutely correct that people have to decide what is best for themselves. The reason I posted the OP was because I was curious what brought people to the decision they ultimately went with (be that a decision like "I'm ok as a guy but have always identified as a girl" or a decision in so far as "if I don't I'll kill myself and I don't want to kill myself"). We all have a unique past. Some knew from the start. Others didn't. Others repressed it. Everybody took a different path, but for many in this sub-forum they ultimately transitioned (or are in progress of it). And I wanted to know the how and why behind that as it might help me as I wrestle with my identity and ultimately figure out what is right for me.

@Michelle, I don't think anything is quite as clear cut as this, or other articles, tend to be when talking about human qualities. Be them sexual orientation, gender identity, morality, ethics, or any other social construct. Like you I share traits from both 1 and 3 on that link and many of the same ones you have. I have rejected the "normal" social path through most of my life. Growing up I never really had any interest in dating. The only reason I ever dated my first ex was because I knew she liked me and I thought "well... this is what society says I should be doing." The only reason I stayed with her for 3 years was because I didn't think I could do better and figured "well at least it's something." And I realize that was depression at that point in time. But a big reason for dating at all was because I was doing what I thought society said I should to "fit in." Now that I'm older I am pretty against many of the social constructs out there (i.e. I'm poly/non-monogamous) from a relationship perspective. Which is nice in a way because it makes it easier to not give a shit about dating part of transitioning since as a guy looking for only poly/non-monomous relationships, I don't date much

[MarieTS]

Yes, I was a 1 until it was shamefully driven out of me. But Marie could never really leave, so #3 surfaced. Michelle made an excellent point about the need for a #4 group. She is right. I never realized there was such a sizeable population with late onset ts until I joined the forum.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

The article sounds nothing at all like Blanchard.

This article was not about specific categories to me. I just couldn't believe that this author was writing about people that sounded exactly like me I had never experienced such a profound connection with another persons experience

It made me realize so,many things about what I was going through