odd duck

[GabbiSophia]

I was sitting at a group meeting listening to others talk and realized how much I do not fit in. I can't really put my finger on it but it is an odd feeling that is very familiar to me. I haven't fit in anywhere my whole life and yet as I thought I would finally fit in to a group I find myself very much so not fitting in. To be honest it sucks to feel like the odd duck. I wonder if it is cause I am not full time or if I am just in a different place in my life. I just can't bring myself to pretend to sit around and hate on my "former life" as they call it. It drives me crazy because I feel like I am putting on a show when I am in male mode and now I feel as I am putting on a show while in female mode. Talk about confusing but this crap does suck. Hormones have balanced me out some what but now I am in limbo.

For those that have transitioned to full time did you feel like you didn't belong at times or that you were faking it? Many people say it just "feels" right and I have had those moments but now I am having more of a "this isn't the place for me" feelings. I can relate to topics, I can understand what people have been through, and I find myself jealous of those that are full time or passable. I wonder if this is just a big WTF moment. I have had small ones and thought that those just went with the territory but this is pretty big. It just sucks to have the old feelings of being the odd duck out again as I thought I was past that point in my life.

The say the more you know the less you understand... that's for damn sure.

[PretzelGirl]

Gabbi, there is no reason to hate your former life. Some do and they are allowed every moment's thought. But it isn't a requirement. I have years of family time, babies, friends, vacations..... I am not going to hate that. They are my memories and they are what shaped me into the person I am.

As far as not feeling like I belong. I am early on and I don't have that feeling. I might still be struggling with relaxing and letting myself come through. It is there sometimes and sometimes I still feel a little guarded. Part of the social transition process.

You don't say what type of group, but I assume it is full time, transitioned ladies? If so, whether you "belong" or may be whether you share common feelings. I have many in my area that I might meet up with, have dinner with, or whatever. There are certain ones I relate too and am comfortable with. There are others that their outlook on their transition and their lives is nothing like mine. Look around some and meet other people. We are not all cut from the same mold.

[Rogina B]

Perhaps it isn't the group for you if you feel that you are the only one that is different or in a different place with things. Orlando probably doesn't have many choices but I am glad to see that you are getting out and meeting people.

[Angela Campbell]

It takes a while to get comfortable with others but once you do it is nice. I have outgrown the meeting groups myself and rarely go.

[mechamoose]

QUACK!!!

You are looking for a kindred spirit and not finding one, hon.

Don't give up, keep looking. He or she is out there.

<3

- MM

[GabbiSophia]

Sue it's a all walks of trans group. Just starting out to post op.

Angela i wish i it all came as easy as it all has for you. I know you had some rough patches bu t you know what i mean.

Rogina maybe maybe not but it is the only local group i have found so far and i just wanted to start somewhere.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Gabbi I share your feelings... I didn't hate my male life...I didn't hate my body...but at the same I experienced the familiar sense of unease in all encounters as a man...
This caused me a lot of mixed feelings over many years. You know all this, we've talked about it here.

I ended up viewing my transsexuality through the lens of that unease...it ended up being like a cancer...one little cell that grew and grew and by the end it became me....I became one big cancer and I had no defense against it... the energy I put towards not transitioning depleted all my resources...denying it was there just let it grow.

I rarely related to the transsexuals I met.. Most of them seemed to be so much more certain in "knowing" they were women, so much more comfortable saying "i am a woman". Even the ones perpetually stuck in a mode where they were not transitioning seemed more confident in "knowing"... but I was forced by my distress to act...

so in my own mind, I stopped thinking about the imponderable things.. I started thinking about feeling better and improving my quality of life...I had lots of ups and downs but I continued to think in terms of doing whatever it took to live my best life and tried to not get caught up in feelings about myself..over time I started meeting transsexuals that shared my experience, this had a big influence on me...

[kimdl93]

If its a diverse group, its not surprising that you feel "apart". Its likely that each member does to a degree, because each of their perspectives and life experiences that shaped them can be decidedly different. In reality, its the same here. There are people of so many different ages, occupations, cultures and countries. After a while, perhaps you'll be able to you listen past the differences and identify the common chord that all your group members share.

[BOBBI G.]

As with Angela, I am starting to feel out of place in one of the groups I started with and another, even though we have a common thread and goal, I really don't feel I fit in any longer. The majority of the first I could be their mother and a good number I could be their grand mother. I continue going only because one of the administrators of the main organization and I have created a bond that will link us forever.
The other I stay with because of my therapist. She mistakenly feels I am a good aid to her because of my life experiences, and the way I can work one on one within the group setting. I am senior in this group also but our ages are more in tune or have like partial histories.

I am very early Nam, a large number are combat Nam, and a few are from the latest fiasco. I stay with these groups because of are common desire to be who we were always meant to be, and because some casual friendships have actually developed over the last couple of years. And friendships are very hard for me to make. I am also one of the founding members of this second group who is still active, and I feel I have a responsibility, sort of, to stay with it.

Bobbi

[I Am Paula]

Your male life is part of your history, and experiences. These shaped who you are. I became such a consummate actor, I actually believed my own lies, and somehow made a pretty good life. My new me is creating new memories and experiences, and they have to co-exist with my old ones.
I think you stumbled upon a group that is really dysphoric about one aspect of being trans. There are many, and you don't happen to share it.
I wouldn't worry. They will probably move on to another topic eventually, or, if you feel the group is not helping, perhaps you have to move on.

[becky77]

Hi Gabbi

Problem with those groups is there is usually only one thing in common and it isn't personality or hobby interest.
In the early days I sought out people like me, I needed help and for someone to know what I am going through.
For me it just didn't work out, I got close to two TS women seperately and after the initial Trans discussions we had nothing in common and despite being TS we came at it from very different perspectives.

I have always felt the odd one out when i'm with the Trans community, but I don't feel odd everyday with family and friends and strangers even. I think you are either the type of person that feels at home in the community where you are constantly reminded of your TS issues, for some that's comforting for others you want to escape it and find a sense of normality. Or you feel at home in everday life.
But it is hard to get to the latter without a bit of support from the former.

[Kimberly Kael]

I've never met two people with an identical take on any aspect of life, much less being trans. I hear some familiar themes in how you describe your experience. I also find some of it less relatable, but doubtless it is your personal truth. I can say that I frequently took pride in who I was before transition, I just knew it was a cover up that I didn't want to keep going for the rest of my life. My female identity did take work, including confronting a lot of doubts. For me it felt right and natural but also scary and awkward at the same time, if that makes any sense at all. I was quite proficient at playing the male role and woefully inexperienced at presenting as female, so I understood why everything felt as it did. That didn't stop me from having doubts and needing to experience living as a woman for extended periods to see whether I felt the need to maintain my male identity as well. As it happens, I don't.

[DeeDee1974]

Oddly enough, the one place I never really felt comfortable was in these support groups. I am an introvert and change or new situations are extremely hard. I have a small group of friends that I made in college that I see on a regular basis. These for other girls are really the only people I feel truly get me and my sense of humor because we are so much alike. I've maybe made 2 other good friends in the almost 20 years I've been out of college. Unless someone calls me to do something I am more than happy to stay in and watch TV snuggled up with my dog.


Embrace the odd duck in you. Don't worry about if everyone likes you. There are sure to be a few people out there that get you.

[arbon]

With the trans group I use to go to a lot in boise I felt pretty comfortable, like I fit in. I enjoyed going. some people I related well with and others not so much.
In that group though I did not feel like I was faking anything.

We can all be very different as individuals, at different stages in transition, different perspectives, different outlooks, struggling with different areas of our lives.

Where it becomes more difficult for me to feel like I fit in is with other women, meaning non trans women. Like with my women's group I go to I still feel a disconnect, that I am the odd one, and I am really because I am the only one born with and still has a penis and that lived most of her life as a man. Its hard for me to past that feeling and let myself be.

[docrobbysherry]

Another odd duck here, Gabbi. I've had issues my entire life, (70 now), in social settings. Even now, when I'm out with my CD "friends" I often feel as u do. That I'm not like them. Similar feelings in groups, male, female, mixed, old, young, etc. Same feelings come and go.

However, since my teens, I realized what I was doing was recognizing my differences from the others. Instead of concentrating on our similarities and the things we have in common. It's rare when I've met someone one on one when I couldn't find things we could share together. Simply realizing that has helped me to project those similarities, even if I have to imagine them, on others in groups socially. That has helped me feel more comfortable and that I fit in. Which has allowed me to actually fit in better!

Maybe u should try this method out yourself?

[Jorja]

We as humans tend to outgrow groups rather quickly unless there is a tight bond between the members. For example: They all survived an airplane crash or they were all marooned on an uncharted island together. Otherwise, there is very little to bond them together.

Myself, I never attended a transgender support group. They did not exist back then. Oh several of us would get together once in awhile but it was not a support group as such. I found myself attending flower arranging classes or motorcycle swap meets. It might be a cooking class or Architecture design class. In other words I kept it mainstream and would meet real everyday people doing everyday things I would normally do or try the things I always wanted too. I tried not to dwell on my "transness" anymore than necessary.

I can't can't say it will work for you but maybe try just being Gabbi, a normal everyday person and let life take it's own direction. Don't worry about being trans anything or male or female. Just be you and see where it goes.

[Mary Lee]

I am also an introvert. Never really enjoyed being around males as I felt we had nothing in common. I go to a cross-dressing group and use to find it enjoyable but now i feel like I am just hanging with guys wearing female clothing and usually just talk about guy stuff. I enjoy being around GGs when I am presenting as female. Seem we have something in common and I can relate to most every thing they talk about, except giving birth.

[RachelReaper]

Gabbi, every sentence of your original post matches my personal experience. I am not sure I can explain the reasons for the feelings, but I would like to ask you a question which might help me focus my additional comments. If you would oblige, could you provide the top one or two reasons why you attend group meetings? Thanks.

[Promethea]

Are those groups mandatory? Maybe you just don´t belong there, and that´s fine. Having been a part of different groups and clubs that revolved around a single interest, I think it takes a certain type of person to enjoy them over time. In those groups I just found a few people with whom we had enough in common to not just talk about the topic of the group and I would hang out with them, even after leaving the group.

[Angela Campbell]

I am still quite close to several members of both of the groups I used to be involved with. I love them dearly. But some of them and myself just found that the groups, while serving a very good purpose for a while, no longer were what we needed.

When I first started going I was so out of place, and being a super introvert was very uncomfortable. But I went simply because there was a chance to meet and talk to others who may have some similar issues or experiences as I. It took quite a while for me to form friendships with some of the members but these are my closest friends now.

And yes it has been relatively easy for me, but still not a walk in the park. I make it look a lot easier than it was.

[Michelle789]

Gabbi,

I can relate to a lot of what you just said. I never felt like I fit into groups, especially groups of all men. I always preferred small, intimate gatherings, with a few close friends, or a one-on-one outing like a dinner or just two of us hanging out on the courtyard of my apartment building.

I am full-time and have a gone very far for someone who is in her first year of transition, but I am still early in my transition. I have found that a lot of the same patterns I have had as a male still are there even as a woman. I still prefer the same kind of small, intimate gatherings, with a few close friends, or a one-on-one outing like a dinner or just two of us hanging out on the courtyard of my apartment building. This makes me the perfect candidate for being in a monogamous relationship - I thrive with that kind of intimacy.

As a woman, I find that I am good in these situations.

1. Hanging out alone with my boyfriend Cody both at home and in public places.

2. Hanging out one-on-one with a close female friend.

3. Socializing with a woman I've never met before in a random public setting, like the one I had today about the holidays, family, and weather in Walgreens. We actually talked about nothing trans, and she gendered me properly. Or with the receptionist at my chiropractor's office.

4. Socializing with friends or acquaintances at my AA home group. Usually I'll be talking one on one or in a small group with people, and I usually manage to speak to several people when I'm there. I am finding that I socialize more with the women now, but I still say hi to and occasionally get into a conversation with close male friends.

5. Socializing at my AA home group fellowship with both men and women, leaning towards the women more often.

6. Socializing at my transgender support group or at MCC with other transgender people. I also socialize with some of the cis-gays and cis-lesbians there too.

Now here is where I've had difficulty fitting in.

I recently joined this women's AA meeting in West Hollywood. I got an invite from one of the girls at my AA home group. I've been attending since late October. I find that after the meeting, when we're socializing at the meeting hall, that everyone is in their own little clique. I've even gone over to say hi to people who are conversing in their cliques, only to be given the cold shoulder, a very cold hello, or a funny look. I have tried to talk to the people who were not in their own cliques, and they still give me a very cold hello, and act like their obviously not interested in talking with me.

Afterwards, we go to fellowship at a restaurant. I find there that it's difficult for me to fit into that group too. It's also a noisy environment and I feel squeezed with our seating arrangement. I find that I just am not really able to chime in with the flow of the conversation.

So when it comes to this AA women's meeting and fellowship, I wonder why I can't seem to fit in there?

1. Is it because I don't yet know how to socialize in a large group of women?

2. Is transition really not the right path for me after all?

3. Is it the noisy environment or the crowded seating arrangement?

4. Do they not like me because I'm trans?

5. Is it that their just cliquish and don't accept me as a newcomer into their clique? I actually have a male friend who used to go to coed AA meetings at that same location and he told me several years ago how they're so cliquish over there, so maybe this is the reason why I can't fit in.

6. Maybe I'm just not a large group kind of girl. Maybe I'm more introverted and intimate by nature.

7. Am I just the girl who socializes better with men? Some women are like that, they prefer the company of men, but are still female identified.


If I were to question my identity, or question if transition is right for me or not, I must remember.

1. I still fit in with many other groups and socialize well with women on an individual basis, with close friends, acquaintances, and total strangers I meet in a drug store. I seem to socialize with both cis and transwomen well.

2. I love being called she, her, ma'am, and hate being called he, his, sir.

3. I love going by a female name.

4. I feel much better being on hormones.

5. I feel much more comfortable in my own skin as a woman than I ever did as a man. All of my friends in and out of AA who knew me as a guy consistently tell me that I am more relaxed, happier, natural, and myself as a woman than I used to be as a man.

6. I feel my body is becoming more congruent, and like the feminizing changes occuring with hormones, and with laser beard removal.

So maybe the reason I don't fit into that is because they're just cliquish and I'm not part of the clique. Forgetting anything trans related, that is a very plausible answer. However, if I were to state those reasons in order from most likely to least likely, I would go with 5, 6, 3, 4, 1, 7, 2.

[KellyJameson]

There is alot of emotional baggage to work through in the trans experience.

When I attended groups it felt almost like a form of group therapy.

Transitioning is a very intense experience and most come into it already intense from having lived misaligned.

It is not uncommon to feel jealousy or to be the recipient of it.

Most have deep feelings of inadequacy as woman that they bring into their relations with each other.

Climbing out of that deep hole of feeling inferior and inadequate is probably as difficult as the physical transition itself.

The group dynamic can be really dangerous to ones self esteem and I largely avoided it from not wanting to be a part of anothers trauma when I was already trying to work through my own.

In my opinion that feeling of not fitting in is really common because in a way we live without a sense of self until transitioning is completed..

It is a bit like the worst aspects of puberty extended indefinitely. You always feel like an outsider because you live outside your gender experience.

Not living your actual gender keeps you broken, not as being inferior to others even though feeling inferior expressed as that insecure need to be better than everyone certainly is evident but broken from the psychological wounds inflicted on you by having lived outside your gender.

Transitioning fulfills a critical existential need met in others through living their gender so their "identity" that trans people are/were deprived of.

You cannot fit in when there is no self to fit into something.

There are aspects of you that have not been born yet so transitioning is a birth of sorts.

I at least have experienced a sense of finally being able to live and be alive. It is like breaking out of a locked room and out into the world.

Scary but very freeing.

[Nicole Erin]

Tg groups are different for each one.
I think the trick is to find members close to your age and "outness" level. It is hard to be friends with a TG if say you are full time and she is still trying to hide.

One I attend sometimes is alright except we seem to have a couple people who just seem "fake". By fake, I mean like the suburban types who fake a smile and just seem shallow. Oh you know what I mean. Yet at the same group, we have a few down to earth ones who don't even flinch when I tell a joke or comment that would make the devil squirm. So it is a mix.

Plus, one time I went just for the heck of it (and the free dinner) and another TS showed up who was my age. I thought, "Damn, she cute! I gotsta have some of dat!" I guess she felt the same way. What a night that was Three years later, we are still friends. Not like dating but good friends.

Don't give up just yet.