traits or habits?

[ashleymasters]

Hi everyone,

I've posted a few times saying that I feel more unsure lately about what I really want in life. I'm debating a lot about how I would feel about transitioning at some point. When I weigh the choices I find myself leaning away from transition for 2 main reasons. The first is a good reason. I worry about my wife and children and the strain my choice will put on them. I think that's an issue any trans person has to deal with. The second is more complicated. I feel my masculine side rejecting the idea of losing the ability to live the life I have as a man. with that in mind I obviously shouldn't start hrt tomorrow or jump on an operating table but, even if those things are years in the future I have to understand if those reservations are traits of who I am or if they are just habits I've learned and practiced over a lifetime. It's hard to tell sometimes. Even now that I've left the military for a year now, I've found myself changing a lot. Things that seemed to be a core part of me dissipated when I took the uniform off. Looking back I see that I was playing the role I thought I had to as a soldier. I didn't just do my job I became the prototypical alpha type guy. If those things were just actions that I did and not really a part of me then what else in my life have I built as part of an image that I have to display for the world and how I thought I was supposed to be. Whatever my true path is at the moment i'm not happy. I am conflicted and weary. Even if I am truly a woman in a mans body and I still decide to never actively change that I need to know and be sure of who I am. The outcomes are limitless but, what matters to me is self realization. It will take time and I know only I can figure this out. I'm just reaching out for some perspective. I want to see a gender therapist but honestly at the moment I can't afford it so for now it would help a lot to know how others came to discover which parts of themselves were truly a part of who they are and not just habits that they learned in order to "fit in". Thank you in advance for your thoughts and happy holidays.

[kimdl93]

I have to qualify my comments here by acknowledging that I define myself as transgendered, as I understand the meaning of the term, rather than the more specific "transsexual", which as I understand it applies to those individuals who clearly and intensely DO see themselves as women borne into male bodies.

You may, as I do, find yourself somewhere in-between...and of course its a confusing thing. But its also rather a good piece of fortune, because instead of feeling compelled to make a decision based on an overwhelming certainty and need, you are in a position to choose how you address the conflicting feelings.

Please note also, that I am not suggesting for a moment that transition isn't an option. Of course, it is. However, given the ambiguity of your feelings on the subject, its not the right decision for NOW. And as you acknowledged you have an array of intermediate options that can meet your immediate needs while allowing you the time to more completely understand yourself.

Given immediate financial constraints, may I suggest that you consult, via the internet, reputable sources of information on transgenderism. You may even be able to seek relatively low cost consultation with a gender therapist on line or via Skype as one I know offers. Its really quite economical and allows you to pay as you go.

In the end, give yourself time. If you don't put too much pressure on yourself to find an answer, things may gain greater clarity over time. Good luck to you and happy holidays.


PS. Depending on your comfort level, I would encourage you to consider getting some real life experience at home and outside the home.

[KellyJameson]

Gender roles can be unnatural regardless of ones gender.

I have found men to be fascinating to watch and think about. I never had the need or desire to do this with women because I always experienced them as "one of me/like me" so did not experience them as foreign or different from me.

Psychologically I have always experienced men as "the other sex/gender"

I see men struggling with many of the roles imposed on them because many of these roles threaten to cut them off from their humanity as to experiencing emotions/love and connectivity.

Men live in a very narrow range of expression if they do not want to be judged,ridiculed, ostrasized or a whole host of other negative experiences.

There are some good things that can come out of the expectation to "man up" but there is also a darkside to this as well, particularly for sensitive, gentle men from the fear of earning the feminine man label.

It seems the only sin a man can make is to show any kind of "weakness" but this weakness is actually just being human and the real perversion is what is defined as "weakness" for men.

Try to understand the difference between unhealthy gender roles versus gender identity.

Who you are is separate from what you do but yet they are related because often what we do says alot about who we are and the doing of these roles reinforces what we are and what we will become.

If you are unsure whether you are a transsexual or not, try changing the roles first. Step out of them and challenge yourself first as you are.

If you cannot step far enough away from these gender roles to ever feel comfortable inside your own body you may learn something about yourself.

Another thing to consider is how comfortable you are living in your body and how you identify with it.

Men have a very specific relationship with certain parts of their anatomy and it starts young when they are boys.

[Rachelakld]

So what do you want people to say about you at your funeral?
No really, just think about this for a few minutes...............What do YOU want your children / wife to say about you and your life?

My thoughts are, if your old, played a certain role, maybe just play that role out to the end (ie why put up with the role, then call it a lie in your last years)
and
If your young or middle age, then you still have plenty of time to make a change that has real and significant meaning to your life

[Nicole Erin]

Alright look, when you start living as the opposite gender, things don't really change. You are the same person. You may look different but that is about it.
The whole wife and kids thing can be tough to deal with. On that, I cannot advise because I ended up divorced partially cause of being TG. The age of the kids has an effect. If they are little, it is tough but if they are older, they either have or will soon have their own life.

If you start the path, the hard part really is the social adjusting and gaining confidence (that one took me years and I still struggle with it at times).

For having the male thoughts conflicting with wanting to live as a woman, that is normal at first, except for maybe the TS who act like they "just knew" when they were 5 years old. The trick there is to not obsess over what is masculine or what is feminine.
Put it this way - because i always buy junky cars that always need work, I can fix them without even breaking a nail most times. Nevermind if my nails are fake. I don't sit there and think, "I am doing manly work" when turning a wrench and I don't "Feel girly" when I am coordinating skirts and blouses. No, my thoughts on both of those are usually - "I hope nothing else f***s up for a while on this car" and "Thank goodness this skirt stretches so when my ass gets larder, I can still wear it".
See what I mean. Forget what is manly or what is womanly.

About some damned therapist, the only way you need that is if you want to start hormones legally. How is some quack going to know how YOU should live YOUR life?

[DebbieL]

Ashley,
This is a really great discussion, and you wonderful questions.
Many of us, especially those of us who are older, had to develop at least some sort of male character to literally survive. As a little boy, if I continued to sit like a girl, walk like a girl, talk like a girl, and play like a girl, I would get violently attacked by most of the boys in my class. In my case, I tried to become really smart, a "book-worm" or "egg-head" and a "clown". If I could keep the boys laughing at what I wanted them to laugh at, they were less inclined to violence.
Some transgender boys will opt for becoming overly aggressive, they may become the bullies picking on the other "sissies", so that people won't realize that they themselves have a girl inside.

In Junior high or middle school, girls are something good, but effeminate boys are bad, and are mislabeled as homosexual. After all, if a boy is looking and acting more like a pretty girl than a big strong man, he must be trying to be attractive to other men, right? Often, this incorrect assumption leads to not only violent attacks by homophobic boys, but boys who ARE homosexual try to act overly feminine and/or seek out feminine boys. It's usually in high school that masculine homosexual boys begin seeking out these feminine boys. I had many propositions, but I addressed the problem by discretely passing their information to boys who had come on to me earlier - becoming the match-maker for the gay community. The irony is that even though I was bisexual, attracted to cute guys and cute and average women, I had been so badly abused by so many boys for so many years that I had no desire to get romantic or sexual with guys. My gay friends assumed that I was just closeted. I admitted that I was feminine, effeminate, and even "girly", but they asserted that I was just stuck in the closet and needed a really nice guy to bring me out. A few guys tried to seduce me, but they tried to seduce me like a guy seduces a guy, so I went cold. Girls liked that I enjoyed foreplay, and were surprised to see that I did not respond as a guy would when they tried to reciprocate. I loved kissing, cuddling, petting them, and arousing them, but if they treated me like a guy, I would be too ticklish or even in physical pain and ask them to stop.

Like you, I got married, and tried to be a good and respectable husband and father. Before we got married, I told my wife I was a cross-dresser, but when she made it clear that she was not going to accept more than dressing in the bedroom, I just let her think that this was all I wanted. To make matters worse, she had lied about accepting the dressing. She loved what I did with her, but she hated looking at me when I was dressed. When my son was born, she lost interest in sex entirely. I began to realize that I still wanted to be a girl, but now I was not only trapped in a man's body, but I was trapped in a marriage to a wife who wasn't even bisexual let alone a lesbian. A few years later, she went to a club with a friend to see male strippers, came home at 4 AM smelling like a porno theater, and the following day took me to my favorite stores, looked at shoes and clothes with me, and then told me to hurry home from my meeting and we could "have some fun". When I got home, she told me "tonight or next year" - meaning that if we didn't do it then, she wouldn't do it again for a whole year. She promised that she would get sexually active with me, but a few weeks later, she was having morning sickness and found out she was pregnant. I still wanted to be married, still wanted to be a father, and still wanted the love we shared together. Of course, shortly after my daughter was born, she started planning our divorce. She had us move back to Colorado - which had "No fault divorce", and after another year of platonic marriage, we went to a couples counselor.

Since my wife started the conversation by complaining about my "wardrobe problem", it didn't take very long (about 6 weeks) for the counselor to realize that I was very transsexual and Leslie was very attracted to men. The deeper the hole you dig, the harder it is to get out, and I had dug a deep one. The therapist had suggested an "Open Marriage", but my wife told me that if I cheated on her, she would take me for everything I had. Meanwhile she ended up in a psych ward, where she met her next husband and started having an affair. I knew about the affair, and accepted that this was necessary if I wanted to stay married, but then her boyfriend decided he didn't want to share and asked her to marry her. When she maxed out our credit card buying furniture and sound equipment for her boyfriend, I asked for her credit card, and she moved out. I was now "free".

I was referred to a therapist with experience in Gender Identity Disorder. Officially, I was being treated for "Battered Spouse Syndrome", which seemed weird at the time, but turned out to be an accurate secondary diagnosis, which the insurance DID cover. While still married, he gave me assignments. I was active in AA and NA and so he had me go to Biker meetings, Gay meetings, and Women's meetings. He also had me go to gay bars, lesbian bars, and straight bars, and to dance and see what I liked. Then I left my job at Federal Express (they did not want a "drag queen" working for them), went to Denver, and got a new job in a company dominated by women. I was also introduced to a woman who was bisexual. She also had a 2 year old son and was pregnant with a second child. She asked me to take her home, then after we left the AA club, she said "I want to go to your house and see your inventory", it was late and I told her I could take her home after, or she could sleep on the couch. At that point she said "I've used a baseball bat, now I will use a tire iron. I've heard your inventory is like a menu, and I want to try most of what's on the menu STARTING TONIGHT!". She was talking about my sex inventory.

If you are willing to let go of everything, you can have everything you want and have a happy and wonderful transition. But there's the rub. If there's even ONE thing you aren't willing to give up, then you could be stopped in your tracks. For me, I hit the wall when my ex made a credible threat to make sure I never saw or spoke to the kids agaIn unless I stopped my transition. Little did I know that she was going to shut me out either way. But she wanted to keep me paying child support. That was enough to put me on hold for almost 18 years, until my youngest graduated from college.

As we get older, there are trigger points at which we reconsider transition. Death of parents can make us aware that we don't have a lot of time. Change in careers can be a trigger. Some take early retirement. Changes in laws can be a tipping point. Personal illness such as a heart attack, stroke, or cancer can also make us more aware of our mortality and limited time. The same is true when close friends pass away.

When we consider the question of spending the remainder of our lives, perhaps 20-40 more years, in the body we have hated for so long, or worse, going to an afterlife where we have to spend eternity in a body image we hate, becomes a horrible possibility. Many of us have dealt with suicide, alcoholism, drug addiction, overeating, and other self-destructive behaviors. When faced with our own mortality, and worse, the possibility of a long life, we begin to think more seriously about what we really want in life. In my case, I went to see my dad when he was about to die, he told me to "Be yourself, Be Debbie". He told me why they didn't help me transition when I was younger, and how painful it was to know that I was a girl inside, and that they had to protect me from shrinks who wanted to turn me into a zombie. I realized how much my parents loved me.

It has taken 3 years to transition from half time to full time, including two years of hormones, and living full time as a woman for over a year.
It was a long road to get there, but my only regret - is that I didn't do it 30 or 40 years ago, or at least 25 years ago when I got divorced.

I'm so glad that those now in their 20s and 30s don't have the economic, legal, and social barriers that formed the gauntlet we went through back in the 60s, 70s, and 80s.

I've said this many time in this group, so I'll say it again. If you think you are transgender, then you should contact your Employee Assistance Program and ask for help, then tell your therapist you need help with gender dysphoria (GD). If the therapist isn't qualified to treat GD, he is obligated to refer you to someone who is. Often, your EAP will have you talk to a medical professional on the phone, and you can request help with GD as well. The therapist will work out how to make sure you get the care you need at terms that work for you. This can often be done by adding a secondary diagnosis such as depression or post traumatic stress, or even "battered spouse syndrome" - depending on what applies.

Often, if your therapist determines that you should transition, they will also work with you wife and children as well as you, to shift from the worst case scenarios we tend to create, to dealing with the reality of the situation, and looking for solutions that work for you, your spouse, and your children.

[ashleymasters]

Nicole I can't tell you how much I enjoyed and identified with and enjoyed your reply. I love working with my hands and I love when those hands have pink painted nails. lol. I agree with the idea that it's not about masculine or feminine traits but what I wonder is how many of these likes and dislikes are learned or natural. I feel like as a man or a woman if I can live my life filling my time with things that are truly representative of me I can find a place where I can start making deeper decisions. I mentioned on another thread after being conditioned in a very traditional and religious home as a child and being in the military the past couple years I've finally been able to start peeling back layers of my behavior and the way I present to sort out what is really me and what's not. Already in this time I am noticeably different for a number of reasons I've made small changes about how I spend my time and the way I carry my self but, i'm not done. Ashley or J either way, even deeper than gender there is a person inside of me that's never seen the light of day, when I can finally pull that person out of all the muck that's been piled on for years of fitting in I can more clearly see how that person, how I want to live the rest of my life.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi everyone,

I've posted a few times saying that I feel more unsure lately about what I really want in life. I'm debating a lot about how I would feel about transitioning at some point. When I weigh the choices I find myself leaning away from transition for 2 main reasons. The first is a good reason. I worry about my wife and children and the strain my choice will put on them. I think that's an issue any trans person has to deal with. The second is more complicated. I feel my masculine side rejecting the idea of losing the ability to live the life I have as a man. with that in mind I obviously shouldn't start hrt

From what you say, you have come to a good conclusion for the present, and for now you can let the future worry about itself. You have given two strong points that are more important to you right now than being congruent. I say it often enough, but will still repeat it. For as long as there are things in your life that are more important to you than the need to have a body that reflects who you are, then transition would not be right for you.

My thoughts are, if your old, played a certain role, maybe just play that role out to the end (ie why put up with the role, then call it a lie in your last years)

Rachel, I'm glad to read that you have never had to experience Gender Dysphoria and I hope that you never do.

[mbmeen12]

Hi ashleymasters, good to hear from you again and Merry Christmas. Congrads on your service/retirement. I am still in and serving and similar in roads. Get to the VA asap and they have a great program and then a local CD support program....Do not rush in the HRT without being ready for the outcome /ORM aka operation risk management because it will have cause and effect on the male side of physical attributes quickly. I have seen a GID specialist and I have my plan but everyone is different. Right now your wife and children are your battle buddies or in my world my wife is my wingman/daughter is grown. PM if you want to know what Ive done to mitigate the Alpha male who is still serving. Start a journal too write everything down from good to bad that helps too so when you talk to the specialist its great reference but you know that because you were trained/served.

[Angela Campbell]

So what do you want people to say about you at your funeral?
No really, just think about this for a few minutes...............What do YOU want your children / wife to say about you and your life?

My thoughts are, if your old, played a certain role, maybe just play that role out to the end (ie why put up with the role, then call it a lie in your last years)
and
If your young or middle age, then you still have plenty of time to make a change that has real and significant meaning to your life

really? really?

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Why can't you afford it? No insurance? Therapy is something that will hugely improve your quality of life and give you a much better chance to figure this out for yourself.
If you can't afford therapy you can't afford transition anyway.

I hear what you are saying about self realization. The problem you will face is that you have built up coping skills and mind habits over the years. They are not always apparent to you and they will make it tougher to figure things out. End running therapy is not going to work out even if you get excellent advice here. Therapy helps you take all the unfiltered comments and thoughts (including here) and filter them down into something you can act upon.

It seems like it would help you a lot also to meet some people if you haven't done so already. I'm talking about cd or tg/ts oriented support groups. Is that an option for you?

[ashleymasters]

Yes, at the moment I am uninsured. I'm currently unemployed. Actually I will be starting at an insurance and securities company in January once my state license is ready. And you're right that I couldn't afford to transition at the moment but, financially i'm in a temporary situation while I recover from losing my last job so in the near future I will be back on track. transitioning isn't really my main concern. I just feel overwhelmed with the idea that I don't even know who I am. I agree therapy is something I greatly need but, it will have to wait until I get back on track when I start this new job next month. I would certainly be open to meeting other cd,tg,ts in a group. I feel silly for not looking into one sooner. i'm sure there is a group in the dallas area somewhere.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

That would be really helpful if you could meet some people.. Sometimes you do just have to walk into a meeting and see what happens for the first time!!!! Also, if you met some folks you would find out about the therapists that are in the area.

It's good that you are open minded..you will have to filter through a lot of stuff both coming at you and in your own mind.