Hi everyone,
I've posted a few times saying that I feel more unsure lately about what I really want in life. I'm debating a lot about how I would feel about transitioning at some point. When I weigh the choices I find myself leaning away from transition for 2 main reasons. The first is a good reason. I worry about my wife and children and the strain my choice will put on them. I think that's an issue any trans person has to deal with. The second is more complicated. I feel my masculine side rejecting the idea of losing the ability to live the life I have as a man. with that in mind I obviously shouldn't start hrt tomorrow or jump on an operating table but, even if those things are years in the future I have to understand if those reservations are traits of who I am or if they are just habits I've learned and practiced over a lifetime. It's hard to tell sometimes. Even now that I've left the military for a year now, I've found myself changing a lot. Things that seemed to be a core part of me dissipated when I took the uniform off. Looking back I see that I was playing the role I thought I had to as a soldier. I didn't just do my job I became the prototypical alpha type guy. If those things were just actions that I did and not really a part of me then what else in my life have I built as part of an image that I have to display for the world and how I thought I was supposed to be. Whatever my true path is at the moment i'm not happy. I am conflicted and weary. Even if I am truly a woman in a mans body and I still decide to never actively change that I need to know and be sure of who I am. The outcomes are limitless but, what matters to me is self realization. It will take time and I know only I can figure this out. I'm just reaching out for some perspective. I want to see a gender therapist but honestly at the moment I can't afford it so for now it would help a lot to know how others came to discover which parts of themselves were truly a part of who they are and not just habits that they learned in order to "fit in". Thank you in advance for your thoughts and happy holidays.