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Thread: Insensitive comments

  1. #1
    Member jackie_p's Avatar
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    Insensitive comments

    As an crossdresser / mildly transgender person who is out only to his wife, I find it difficult to support myself and others in open settings. For example, I have recently noticed that some new employees where I work have a tendency to make remarks or comments that are insensitive at least and possibly even offensive. The kind of things that one male might say to another male like, if you're cold, wear a longer skirt tomorrow. Nothing too outright rude but there have been a few comments about " he-she" that I can't fully recall.

    My problem is, I would like to say something but can't bring my self to open my mouth. I think there is a fear that if I mount a defense, that this will somehow out me to the company. With each comment that passes, I get more and more angry with myself for standing by and saying nothing. Does anyone else share this frustration and how do you handle it.

    Jackie

  2. #2
    Gold Member Read only Rachael Leigh's Avatar
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    Jackie yes it is hard being in the closet and because crossdressing is still a very misunderstood lifestyle.
    I want to say things where I work too but I just don't want the confrontation so it's best left un said.
    Sometimes we just have to suck it up.

  3. #3
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    Pick you battles on that kind of stuff for now. If the opportunity comes along where its getting out of hand say, " good lord the way you homophobes carry on sure makes you a bunch of rednecks." Something like that when the time is right is ok.
    When they make their little snide remarks look at them with no emotion and then look away for now.....Its just that you can't take a stand on every little comment.

  4. #4
    Senior Member UNDERDRESSER's Avatar
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    How about, "Why does it bother you so much?" or "I think he doth protest too much"

    That is, you question if their reaction is a way of hiding their own thoughts on the subject. The same way that rabidly homophobic politicians and clergy seem to be the ones who end up on the news for some illegal sexual misconduct.


    It is difficult to take a stand, and far too easy to just let yourself seem "One of the boys" I've had the same problem.
    "Normal is what you get when you average out the weirdness that everybody has." Quote from my SO

    Normal is a setting on a washing machine, or another word for average.

    The fact that I wear a skirt as a male should not be taken as a comment on what you do, or do not wear, or how you wear it.

  5. #5
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    I think the best response you can make is to ask this question,"if you child were gay or transgender, Would you say that to them?"

    usually if if such things can be brought into context of ones own child or family, it offers them a different view of reality
    Last edited by Jenniferathome; 12-21-2014 at 08:24 PM.

  6. #6
    Gold Member ~Joanne~'s Avatar
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    I have found that since I have accepted, or embraced, this part of my being, I am actually more vocal when I hear these sort of things. I am happy to say I think I am way less bigoted towards another lifestyle choices than I was when I was fighting with myself over this. I will take a stand and defend someone without regards of what someone else thinks "is right". I don't think it has the potential to out me in doing so.

    We had a sister come in with her SO once at work, Her makeup was horrible, her outfit was just about the same, but the girl that waited on them wanted to make such a joke of it to everyone working there. Now, because I am open about my hosiery fetish, she thought I was the best one to bring to the front to see this sister. "There's some pantyhose for you", my response? "your just jealous she has better legs than you", I smiled and walked away. She didn't say much about it after that.
    Flip Flops were made for Beaches & Bath Houses, We have neither in 2017. Lose the flip flops!

  7. #7
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    Jackie,
    Just suck it in andgo with the flow.
    It may be hard but rocking the boat can make things harder.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  8. #8
    Aspiring drama queen Isabella Ross's Avatar
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    I have a lot of men friends, and can relate. Never want to out myself, but it definitely doesn't feel good listening to these types of remarks and not saying anything. I guess I've got no advice except to say that you're not alone...

  9. #9
    Crossdresser-At-Large BillieAnneJean's Avatar
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    I have done exactly what Jenniferathome has suggested to a coworker but using the names of his children. He is an otherwise nice guy but a homophobe and justified by his faith. I really like and respect him otherwise. He really did not know he was doing something wrong. But when confronted with the decision to accept or banish one of his children, he had to say he would accept.
    I did it at another place by telling them that the person they were slandering was better than they and welcome to live next door to me any time. That got me effectively banned from their job sites but I was still first choice for all the others. All I lost was working at any site that the drunken bigots were at. No loss at all.
    So if you choose to react, perhaps the first method,which I have used many times, is the better one.
    My heart goes out to you!

  10. #10
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Some people just like to listen to themselves talk and don't really care what they say. No catchy comebacks will make them realize that maybe their remarks are insensitive. It's junior high mentality.

    I know a handicapped person who gets a lot of insenstive comments directed to him. His response is great, "you can't fix stupid".

  11. #11
    Gone to live my life
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    Hi Jackie,

    Don't beat yourself up over this. We all have to pick and choose our battles which suit our lives.

    I find that for the most part the ones who make such comments do not see any harm in it . . . being in the military I still hear the phrase "Let's go ladies" when addressing a group of men and I guess it is done to make the men feel less than manly? Being completely out at work, I normally take the time to call people on such comments and I find they are contrite but still don't get it. I have noticed less such comments when I am around and occasionally if someone slips up I get the "no offence meant" rider tacked on. It is about educating the masses and someday who knows people will get it.

    Hugs

    Isha

  12. #12
    Member Tonya Rose's Avatar
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    my responce in situations such as that are just... live and let live. we all have our own demons lol...
    Tonya Rose This is me! (song by camp rock)

  13. #13
    Bad Influence mechamoose's Avatar
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    It depends on where you live, but you can rightfully defend TG/TS folks based on discrimination laws without coming out yourself.

    'Hostile Workplace Environment' issues apply to folks exposed to porn in the workplace, 'bro' level commentary on potency & gender, jokes in poor taste, etc.

    I don't need to be a girl to be offended by testosterone laden sh!t.

    Speak out on why it is wrong rather than why/how it affects you personally, and your cover is safe.

    <3

    - MM
    - Madame Moose - on my way to Anne
    ----------------------------------------------------------------
    "I yam what I yam and tha's all what I yam." -- Popeye the Sailor
    "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And when I am for myself, what am 'I'? And if not now, when?" - Hillel the Elder

  14. #14
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Everyone seems so concerned about being polically correct these days.

    Has anyone considered that folks mite be doing the opposite not so much because they r haters, but simply because they're sick of walking on eggs in every conversation?
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  15. #15
    Bad Influence mechamoose's Avatar
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    robbysherry: I'm gonna disagree with you here.

    Work is WORK. You are there because of skills, not because of clothing.

    I have -zero- tolerance for 'dudes' who are ready and willing to dismiss people because of gender related issues. ("fag")

    Accept yourself. Believe in yourself. *STAND UP* for yourself.

    Don't let prejudice marginalize you. You have every right to be you, to stake your flag in the ground like the Marines at Iwo Jima. You can defend the *ideas* without exposing your personal issues, honest.

    - MM
    - Madame Moose - on my way to Anne
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    "I yam what I yam and tha's all what I yam." -- Popeye the Sailor
    "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And when I am for myself, what am 'I'? And if not now, when?" - Hillel the Elder

  16. #16
    Senior Member Lori Kurtz's Avatar
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    The fear of being "outed" makes us hypersensitive, both in the kind of situation you describe, and in shopping situations. When we buy panties or a bra, why are we so scared that somehow the sales clerk will figure out our secret instead of just assuming it's for our wife or girlfriend? Why is that so much more scary than buying tampons--obviously the sales clerk isn't thinking, "Aha, this guy must be having his period." Likewise, when we stand up for the rights of crossdressers or transsexuals, why should we fear that people will assume that we must be one? If a white person speaks out in favor of equal rights for racial minorities, nobody says, "Aha, he must be a closeted black guy." In a way, I think your status as a closeted CD or TS person makes your statement in favor of respect and equal rights stronger, since your listeners think that you, like them, are not transgender.

  17. #17
    Senior Member Ally 2112's Avatar
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    I hear those comments all the time where i work and the thing is i really don't let it bother me .There will always be people who will not accept anything out of what they consider their normal .Also i would like to add it's not that i think making racial comments or making people feel bad about themselves is right no matter what they do but i know in this world you need a thick skin
    Last edited by Ally 2112; 12-21-2014 at 02:05 PM.
    I have a hubcap diamond star halo

  18. #18
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Whoa! I DIDN'T suggest becoming a doormat, MM.

    However, I DO think every situation to be uniquely different. There r times u carry a big stick and others where u should walk quietly. It's up to each of us to decide which is which. And, then we must live with consequences of our own actions!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  19. #19
    Bad Influence mechamoose's Avatar
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    I buy girl clothes without blinking. It is kind of a fun staring contest for me.

    "I'm not saying anything... are YOU gonna say something?"

    Go ahead and make a mundane uncomfortable. It makes a small step towards how they make us feel.

    "Yes, these panties are for me, why do you ask? Do you want help with sizes?"

    You'd be surprised how quickly they retreat.

    <3

    - MM
    - Madame Moose - on my way to Anne
    ----------------------------------------------------------------
    "I yam what I yam and tha's all what I yam." -- Popeye the Sailor
    "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And when I am for myself, what am 'I'? And if not now, when?" - Hillel the Elder

  20. #20
    Silver Member stephNE's Avatar
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    I work with some of these type guys too. I try not to make a pointed comment back, but I will say something like "you know these are just people who are trying to live their lives and they have feelings too".
    Stephanie

  21. #21
    eyah! Mink's Avatar
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    I think in 2015 any time someone makes a crack against Transgender / Women etc it could easily be pointed out or joked about some other group and they could see how inappropriate it is

    would you joke about Black People or Jews in the workplace?

    where is the line!


    it's all a bit o' fun innit it?

    we're just having a larf, right?

    RIGHT???

    maybe just point out how damn stupid is and if they don't get it well there you go!

  22. #22
    Member amyjacks2014's Avatar
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    ^.^

    I think people have hit the right tone on their responses. Assuming you don't want to reveal your own lifestyle to your co-workers,
    and possibly attract their scorn and such, you really have to either leave things alone, or pick a rather general response that kinda
    puts the focus of attention on their own attitudes and such. Or simply tell them you don't think what is going on is appropriate.

    If things really get uncomfortable, you may want to take things to HR, although it may also mean you come out of the closet as far
    as they are concerned. However, most HR departments are pretty good about keeping things confidential.


    In my own case, I came out while working for Capital One's credit card division, and the only comments I ever got there were supportive.
    Not saying that there weren't detractors, but they kept to themselves and didn't associate with me, and the call center was large enough
    that I never noticed it. The HR department there was excellent in handling the matter. I think I may have told the story here about the one
    time I was heading to the bathrooms, and while crossing the hallway, my path crossed with three GGs, who kinda snickered and giggled after
    they walked by. I thought nothing of it, except that I could be a better woman than they could, but HR was concerned, and told me that if anything
    like that happened again to let them know.

    I currently work at a survey center. When I returned to working here after my stint at the Capital One call center, I was mostly accepted. Two older
    GGs who used to socialize with me stopped, and the main supervisor there had to have the awkward talk about which bathroom i *WOULD* be using.
    (I actually found a unisex bathroom in the basement that is best for all sides ... ) But since then, both him, my other supervisors, and my other
    co-workers are very nice about my cross-dressing. I even inspired one GG co-worker with my dress style.

    On my third job, I have come into work dressed up before, and my main supervisor has seen me dressed, and I emailed him about it at the beginning
    of the athletic season. However, since this job entails dealing with massive numbers of the general public, and because the objective is to get people
    into the events venue and it's not about ME, I dress as a man.

    So it depends basically on the kind of job you are doing, and the attitudes of the people there. There was an ammunition manufacturer that has moved
    into town (THANKS COLORADO!) and I applied for a position with them. However, if hired, i would not dress as a woman there, again because of the work
    environment, and because of workplace safety issues.

    However, I know you will do what is best for yourself, and this will turn out good in the end.


    Amy M. Jackson

  23. #23
    T-Girl and here to stay!! Rosaliy Lynne's Avatar
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    Jennifer: An excellent way to open peoples eyes. We are all people after all is said and done.

    Joanne: great response.
    Rosaliy Lynne
    We are who we are. We become what we must.
    http://rosaliylynne.com/

  24. #24
    Member amyjacks2014's Avatar
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    ^.^

    docrobbysherry, you are very right about the PC atmosphere. I think that at times, people say some very un-PC things
    simply because they need a break from having to watch what they say around others.

    I am very anti-PC. In fact, i don't stand for it one bit. However, as has kinda been pointed out, especially by my last
    post, what you do, and how you are received depends on the people and the environment at the workplace. In both of
    my call center jobs that I have had, the people I deal with are on the phone, and can not tell that I am a woman. I sound
    like a man (most of the time), and that is how I am treated. My current co-workers either accept and/or compliment me,
    or they shut up and stay to themselves. That's fine by me.

    The events staffing job is different, and it would not be appropriate for me to be subjected to the judgement call of everyone
    I would meet each day at work. I also would not want to impact the number of people attending the event. My point is not that
    bigotry against crossdressing should be allowed ... it is that we as people need to have some respect for the workplace and the
    other people there.

    You know, it may be that the workplace is simply not where you want to be expressing your female side. You are there to work.
    You are there to use your skills for the betterment of the company. You are not being paid to express your gender identity. This
    is why you have to look at each work situation and see what you can, and what you might want to get away with, so to speak. At
    the moment, I am happy with the amount of expression I get to have at my jobs. Now, out in the general world, it's completely
    different, and I don't care what anyone else thinks, and I am dressed up almost 100% of the time.


    Amy M. Jackson

  25. #25
    Ice queen Lorileah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by docrobbysherry View Post
    Everyone seems so concerned about being polically correct these days.

    Has anyone considered that folks mite be doing the opposite not so much because they r haters, but simply because they're sick of walking on eggs in every conversation?
    gads I hope not...you mean we could become the racist elitist people we were 50 years ago because you're tired of watching what you say in public? Everytime I hear that "I am sick of being PC" I wonder..what would you do if you were the one they were putting down.

    Quote Originally Posted by amyjacks2014 View Post
    ^.^

    Assuming you don't want to reveal your own lifestyle to your co-workers,
    and possibly attract their scorn and such, you really have to either leave things alone,
    Everyone will do what they think they have to do. But why do you assume that standing up against sexist and racist remarks will out you? Can't be a champion for other people's rights and not be part of that group? It doesn't take much to educate. You don't have to confront, you just have to plant a seed.
    The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
    Chief Joseph
    Nez Perce



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