Dear all,
About a year ago this time, I made myself a promise to seek professional help regarding HRT, and eventually saw a gender therapist who subsequently referred me to an endocrinologist. It was one of my new year's resolution and I ensured that it came through. However, it wasn't an easy decision because I was still fighting with myself internally every step along the way. I still remember the internal dialogue while waiting in the waiting room to see my doctor for the first time:
"This is it, there is no turning back. Imagine what your mother would say, or what your friends and colleagues would think about you if they found out."
"Nobody has to know, this is my business."
"And do you think you can hide this forever? What with your growing breasts? Are you prepared to wear a chest binder for the rest of your life?"
"I don't know, I don't expect my breasts to grow that big anyways, I'm sure I can hide it underneath my clothes."
"What do you mean you don't know? You're about to make a life changing decision and you don't know!? Isn't this a bit reckless and impulsive?"
"How is this reckless and impulsive? I've been thinking about doing this for 15 years!! "
"And you can wait a little longer can you? Just think about it, think about the rest of your life. You won't be dating another girl if you went ahead with this. Remember what happened with your last girlfriend when you told her?"
"Stop it! She's no longer in my life and I don't want to think about her! I'm doing this for me, not for her!"
"But you do think about her, and you do miss her. Right?"
"I... "
"And you'll never be able to pull it off anyways. You're just going to end up with partial feminization and being stuck between both sexes. Is that what you want to be?"
"Yes, I mean no! I mean I know that I'm never going to pull it off completely and partial feminization is better than nothing. Its not ideal but..."
"You said it! Its not ideal. So why are you wasting your time? Get out while you can!"
"I-am-going-to-do-this......"
"Don't say I didn't warn you."
It was then the clinic door swung open with my doctor greeting me with a warm welcome behind it. Seeing her smiling face interrupted my dialogue as I stood up and made my way towards her. She later commented that she was afraid she had called for the wrong person in the waiting room because I looked vacant the first time she called out to me. I smiled and reassured her that I was just tired from working all throughout last night.
And... that's it. That is the kind of internal dialogue I have every time I pop the hormone pills down my throat. Although it gets old after a while and I eventually stop noticing it but sometimes it takes on a different tone and I can get caught up in it for hours. I realised it becomes particularly difficult when my thoughts drifts towards the future because my future seemed so uncertain. And it is often a trap to think too far ahead because I would have got nothing done being paralyzed with fear.
I rehearse every so often in front of the mirror about what to say when friends and family ask me why do I do this. And sure, the obvious answer would be that "I wasn't happy with my biologically assigned sex". But that would be untrue because I am ultimately grateful to this male body that has protected me, tolerated me, and accompanied me in all my adventures. It true that I wished for my body to be different, but I feel lucky at the same time to be born whole. So if I'm so grateful to my current body, why change it? I'm afraid I can't answer that question.
But I did it anyways because more and more I realise that this is something bigger than just a quest for a different body, a different identity, or even a different purpose in life.
I've been brought up with the illusion of clarity by thinking that my path would not deviate far from the average male. I'll acquire a decent education, meet a girl, settle down, have some children, retire and travel the world, then die knowing that I've done everybody proud. But it was all just an illusion. The older I grew and the more experience I gather, the murkier my path became and before I know it, I was lost. But worse, I was screwed! I was stuck with a male body and I can't lie to myself any longer about my identity. I couldn't see a way out because I was screwed no matter what I did or didn't do.
But if I'm screwed either way, then what is the rationale of taking another step forward? I could be stepping into quicksand for all I know. At least I know I was safe remaining in the same spot.
But oh what a shame would that have been to have spent my entire life in the same spot without journeying anywhere!! And yes, even though I might be stepping into quicksand, the chances of me stepping unto solid ground is just as good! I may even stumble unto a treasure chest if I was lucky! I could be witnessing the wonders of the universe unfolding right before my eyes! There was no way my curiosity would have allowed me to remain in the same spot without eating me alive.
But most of all, I had hope. I believed that I can have a better life, and that I deserve a better life.
It is this hope and belief that has kept me going on this far, and my experience with depressed patients tells me that when a person loses hope or the belief that they can have and deserve a better life, they are probably close to ending their lives. After all, what is left for us when all hope dies?
But when did we stop hoping? When did we start putting ourselves down in order to conform to what society expects us to be? ...
It is approaching the end of the year again when we recap everything that has happened while listing down our new year's resolution.It has been 9 months since I start HRT and I'm proud to say that my 2014 resolution has been a success! My new year's resolution for 2015 would be to study and work harder for my patients, and also to begin planning and saving for my very first surgical procedure. I will be having a lot of internal dialogues as usual but I should be alright as long as I kept my hope alive.
For those like me who are trudging in murky waters, I need you to keep hoping! Hope is the cure for fear.
And to all, I wish you a merry Christmas, and a lovely lovely new year.
Love,
Sarah
