Results of a family counseling session RE my dressing:

[docrobbysherry]

My ex asked if I would attend a session with an experienced therapist while we were all out of town for a family Xmas get together this week. Me, my ex and 2 daughters also agreed to attend. While most of the time was taken up by my ex trying to get support for her wildly unrealistic, money squandering live style, (She didn't get any sympathy from our counselor), I thot the therapist's take on my CDing mite be interesting to others here.

For those not familiar with me, let me give u some background:

No one knows I dress except for my ex and 2 daughters. I live with my younger, 20 y/o daughter. Who does not approve of my "hobby".

My older girl lives out of state and has no problems with it.

My ex, rather than telling everyone what I do out of spite, tells no one and is paranoid that haters will find me and my daughter thru a reality Dolls video that featured Sherry and has been shown on TV around the world and my continuing attendance at CD events.

The conversation with the female counselor who had no prior info on any of us was quite revealing. She asked everyone their feelings about my dressing. Then, whether I was willing to, or planned to, cut back or stop dressing. When I answered, "No", that it seemed to be a compulsion, she said the following.

Since he is not willing to, or wants to stop dressing, he won't and u shouldn't expect him to. For those of u not directly involved? It doesn't affect u so just don't worry about it. To my 20 y/o daughter she said, "If this bothers u so much u can't even talk about it? You're an adult. Move out into your own place where u won't have to see it and he won't have to tip toe around cautiously in his own house."

She never once indicated that my dressing was wrong, dangerous, or mite negatively effect any of them. Simply that it was a compulsion. And, they had either best get used to my doing it or stay away if it bothered them. Period!

For those of u worried about seeing a counselor I'm hoping this will encourage u. Mind u, this was a educated, licensed woman therapist with many years of family counseling experience.

Note: My daughter admitted that moving out would be a bigger hardship to her than my dressing is a bother, at present.

[Kate Simmons]

Counselors are impartial and just tell what they observe, so it sounds about right to me RS.

[Dianne S]

You're an adult. Move out into your own place where u won't have to see it and he won't have to tip toe around cautiously in his own house.

That's very sensible advice. But do you tiptoe cautiously in your own house? I wouldn't. If my daughter lived with me and had that attitude, I'd say "this is my house and my rules; if you don't like what I do, feel free not to look or to leave the room or to move out." I certainly wouldn't change an aspect of my lifestyle that has no material impact on her.

[Robynts]

Sherry,

Thanks for sharing this with us. I am off to my first counseling session in a couple of weeks. I have no references for the counselor but she is on one of the internet lists of therapists that deal with gender issues. I can only hope she is as understanding as the therapist you saw. If it turns out she is anything like the one you saw I can only hope to get my family to visit with her.

[Bootsiegalore]

Sherry,

That was a great post. I am happy the counselor was neutral. It is none of anyone else's concern what you do.

Rachel

[carrie2014]

I went to a therapist for a completely different reason. She asked me about my life story and if other members of my family had the same problem. I told her about my crossdressing, that did not interest her at all. She gave me a scrip and told me to return in 30 days When i returned she asked if the scrip was helping my problem, I said yes. then she said were there any other side effects like not to crossdress. The answer was yes i did not care to dress and told myself no time to dress every i wanted to. I wonder if crossdressing is in my brain. She changed my medince and i am back to cross dressing.

[Katey888]

Nice one Sherry!

What an eminently sensible, non-partisan and balanced observation... I hope your counsellor continues to prosper...

And I hope that helps your family reevaluate their positions too...

Katey x

[Allison Chaynes]

I have seen two different therapists who had little experience with gender issues and CDing was accepted by both as a normal behavior, nothing to seek change over. Thanks for sharing, Doc.

[docrobbysherry]

Counselors are impartial and just tell what they observe, so it sounds about right to me RS.

Let me add again that every counselor I've seen, maybe 5 now, has been a licensed, experienced, professional, Kate. None that knew about my dressing has been concerned. Because it hasn't had a negative affect on me or my family. Many "counselors" r NOT this impartial, not professionals, and may wish to "cure" u. It's these dangerous quacks u must avoid at all costs!

That's very sensible advice. But do you tiptoe cautiously in your own house? I wouldn't. If my daughter lived with me and had that attitude, I'd say "this is my house and my rules; if you don't like what I do, feel free not to look or to leave the room or to move out." I certainly wouldn't change an aspect of my lifestyle that has no material impact on her.

I've wrestled with this Dianne, and continue to. My daughter is quite immature. And, in her defense, she never wanted to know about my hobby and was clueless about it until I opened up to her. Since then, we have had a DADT situation. Not satisfactory for either of us. But, since I'm dealing with my own personal dressing guilt it's as far as I'm willing push it at this time.

[RADER]

Good for you Sherry, Glad your counselor had some sense to her.
She is correct, your daughter at 20, can go out on her own, but when
she is confronted with the idea of her getting her own place, the all
of a sudden, dressing is not so bad comes out. WHY???? Money.
It cost money to live on your own, and I bet she has a sweet deal
where she is at now.
Rader

[Dianne S]

Well, I guess you know your daughter and you're the parent, so you make the choices. I just think it's unfortunate that an adult child can restrict your freedom in your own home. If you can't be completely yourself at home, then where can you be?

[JayeLefaye]

Not all "professionals" graduated at the top of their class:-)

For "gender" issues, it's advisable to find one who has some training in that specific arena.

For good old fashion "family sessions", the ones who can listen to all sides and then point out the B.S are priceless!

Yay for you DC for agreeing to go, and then standing your ground!

Yay for the counsellor for giving everyone a reality check!!!

Jaye

[AllieSF]

Congratulations Sherry and thanks for sharing your experiences. I have had a few relationship counseling and I agree with you that all have been very professional and helpful, some better than others.

Dianne: In reality, Sherry's daughter does not appear to have set any restrictions, except maybe not wanting to see Sherry in all her glory. It sounds more like Sherry limiting some of her own freedom to avoid complicated moments. We do a lot of sometimes unacceptable looking things and compromises to keep family peace and happiness. It is really a decision to compromise a little for the best of all. I don't see Sherry complaining too much about it, and I believe that if it got too bad, she would find a way to work it out.

[Becky64]

Very interesting!

[ReineD]

For those of u worried about seeing a counselor I'm hoping this will encourage u. Mind u, this was a educated, licensed woman therapist with many years of family counseling experience.

Sherry, I think the trend among therapists in recent years has been to work WITH the CDer rather than against him in terms of finding self-acceptance and healthy ways to express femininity. Except for religion-based practitioners, I don't believe there are any therapists who believe this is something that must be cured or stopped.

In your case, you don't live with your ex and your adult children are independent, so there is no need for balancing anyone else's needs. You basically live on your own and you should do precisely what you need to do for yourself.

Had you still been married with young children, I wonder if the same therapist might have tried to find a more balanced solution other than tell the others to accept or leave. Wives who have this sprung on them after some years of marriage do need time to process this, and if young children have a hard time with their dads wearing dresses, their needs should be taken into consideration as well. So rather than have an "all or nothing" approach that would please only one party (whichever way it goes), I think a therapist's job would be to encourage negotiation and compromise, all the while helping to educate the other family members. Don't you think?

I'm in your shoes with my adult sons. My SO is not their father, and I'm afraid that if they ever found out about the cross-gender expression, they'd do exactly as your therapist suggests. I'm afraid they would feel uncomfortable enough around my SO to actually stay away or severely limit their time with us. This is precisely what I DON'T want, which is fine with my SO, because he doesn't want to tell his parents, sister, and nieces either.


Edit -
I've posted this before, but new textbooks for emerging and existing therapists on counseling LGBTI clients do say the only thing to do is to help CDers and their families understand the CDing and work with it. When the following textbook came out last year, the publishing company had the entire chapter on CDing available online in PDF format, although I don't know if it is available anymore. Anyway, if you're interested in the book, here is a link to it: http://www.sagepub.com/textbooks/Book234754

[Amanda M]

It is available here

http://www.sagepub.com/upm-data/47510_ch_7.pdf

[Maria 60]

I like your daughters response to live with it or leave. All at once she's OK with it given that option.

[richelle52]

Like others who have gone thru therapy sessions with their wives only to find that couples need to learn that living with this to some degree is the only thing that you can do. Some couples seem to deal with it better than others.
My current wife of 11 years has been so understanding of my secret life that I only wished that I had told her when we were dating and saved myself a lot of guilt and frustrations.

[Alice Torn]

Doc, In your last post, you said you are dealing with your own personal dressing guilt. That must enter in. Did you mention this guilt to the therapist. I struggle with some guilt and shame too, at times.

[kimdl93]

Totally reasonable advice from an informed and unbiased source. Your daughter in particular needed the reality check.

[Shelly Preston]

It is available here

http://www.sagepub.com/upm-data/47510_ch_7.pdf

Thanks for adding the link but please remember not everyone it a Fetishistic Crossdresser

Doc I hope your daughter finds a way to accept this and make her life easier.

[ReineD]

Shelly, I don't like the title either. But if you read the chapter, the author does say that generally over time the CDing ceases to be about sex. I think he refers to the way it begins.

"The erotic and fetishistic properties are often reported by FC individuals to subside as one ages. As the fetishistic aspects diminish, the most commonly reported continuing motivation is that FC makes the individual feel self-soothed, less stressed, and more comfortable as a result. Consequently, FC in men is often seen as primarily a coping strategy to deal with stress: the more and greater the stress, the more crossdressing occurs. For others, however, FC is about (or also about) wanting to emulate women and wanting to express their love of feminine things. As should be clear from the above, despite the finding that FC usually begins as a fetish, the meanings and purposes for continuing the behavior often change over time." (page 143)

Keep in mind, this is a chapter on the crossdressing. The chapter on transsexualism follows this one.

[fran_c]

Sherry,

I'm really happy for you?
i hope you are able to grow from the experience.

1 day i need to talk to someone!
Who? Don't know yet.
but someone.

fran

[Teresa]

Sherry,
I think what you counsellor said is why my wife wouldn't want to attend a session ! They may be told the truth and then be faced with accepting it ! We can't be fixed so others have just got find ways of living with it ! The thought is far worse than the deed, it's not really going to hurt anyone ! The continuing secrets and lies are what do the damage !

[ShelbyDawn]

Thanks for sharing Sherry.

I have been in therapy for several years and, with the help of my therapist, have come to realize that cross dressing is normal.
It may not be widely socially accepted and is not within two standard deviations of the mean of normal, but it is definitely normal.
It is not illegal or immoral and it isn't physically hurting anybody(unless your corset is too tight).
The key for me has been in finding a balance in my life where my dressing is concerned.