In your 50's

[Kandi Robbins]

Is it me (and I am new at this forum stuff), but is certainly seems that many of us girls come to the realization that this is not going away and begin the process of doing something about it (self-acceptance, telling someone, telling out SOs, joining here, first time out) in our 50s? I am, of course, drawn to posts that are similar to mine and have noticed many new members (myself only a 1 month member) generally within my age group. Why is that?

Maturity? Lower testosterone? Weariness from keeping things bottled up? Realizing that what others think doesn't matter to your happiness? Empty nests? All of the above? Something else?

What do you think?

[VS Fan]

It's likely a variety of things, but ultimately it comes down to the balance of "what I want" vs "what I am expected to do" and the overall risk associated with tipping the balance towards "what I want." This would be based on the things you mentioned, kids left the house, career more near to the end than the beginning and not as risky to be "outed", perhaps a divorce has left you free to your own devices, etc. In all honesty, it's similar to a "mid life crisis" in that you realize you're not getting any younger and NOW is your time to have fun and enjoy life.

My 2 cents!
VS Fan

[audreyinalbany]

could be that in our fifties we begin to see the end of the trail a-comin', and maybe we just assume a "here goes nothing' attitude

[EllenJo]

Kandi said "Maturity? Lower testosterone? Weariness from keeping things bottled up? Realizing that what others think doesn't matter to your happiness? Empty nests? All of the above? Something else?"

All of the above and then some. I realized in my 50's that this made me happy and it is my life. I am the care giver for my wife who is in poor health. I work, take care of the yard, pay the bills and do the grocery shopping. Ellen Jo cooks, cleans and takes care of my wife. I am glad for the help, I don't think I could do it all by myself.

Hugs
Ellen Jo

[jacques]

empty nest plus time is starting to run out and perhaps fewer inhibitions as we head towards Oldtimers?
luv J

[nikki2014]

I think it's a multitude of things. As we get older, and I'm not far behind you, we become more aware of the things around us, more aware of the things we want, and more aware of other peoples reaction on things, etc. As we get older we become more aware of a lot of things that help us understand this crazy thing we do called Crossdressing and we become more comfortable when all these things are put together. We can come to grips with these things and we can better explain to our friends, partners, wives, and family of what we have been doing behind the confinements of our own door. I think we have come to the time where we ourselves accept it too. Nikki

[MissTee]

I have written for years and one of the things that comes up often in creative writing seminars/classes is how people, beginning in their fifties (50's), become more "reflective." Many begin writing at that age and make decent writers. A belief is that they have a lot of experience to draw on along with a well rounded perspective of life as it was and perhaps as it will be. My two cents, then, is that same reflective trait emerges within our CD behavior and drives an acceptance of it that we have not previously adopted.

[Jamie Lynn]

A little of what everyone below says. For me it's a little of trying to find a way to (maybe?) truly relax and be free (oxymoron?) and not feel forced to be "conforming" in everything we do. "Girls just want to have fun" and DAMNIT, I want to have fun too!! It's a way to release some of the pressure!

[Jackie7]

Like many others I came out in my mid-50s and there were three things that made it both possible and (to me at the time) imperative. First, the children were grown and mostly gone, though my youngest was living in the in-law apartment with his soon-to-be-wife. So no need to sneak around them. Second, my marriage was coming unstuck for a lot of reasons, by desire to release my inner femme not least among them but not the only issue either. Third, my mother died. I think that last was the key, without fear of her disapproval there was nothing left to stop me.

[Isabella Ross]

For me, it was my 40s. But all the factors listed above played out. I had an overpowering conviction that I'd been dishonest to myself and my love ones for too long, that I couldn't face another year of closeted frustration, that life was too short. Wish I'd reached the same conclusions about a decade or two earlier.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I think we have internal alarm clocks programmed early in life, which can go off at unexpected moments. Simple as that. Of course taking the cloth out of our ears so we can hear the ringing is also a factor.

[Jane Doe]

Me? Kids gone,marriage gone, new beautiful lady that supports my activities, and the desire to at least behave in a more dignified way that I find impossible to do n my male lifestyle. That and reminiscing over the missed opportunities of long ago when I started crossdressing. Perhaps its because I have a better disposable income that I can go out and buy that expensive new set of cheeky underwear I have been thinking about. Either way, I don't really worry about how and why, I simply enjoy the enjoyment.
Jane X

[bridget thronton]

I think the mature brain and the process of really becoming self-actualized is a good part of it for me.

[Kandi Robbins]

Wow, I kind of thought this would spark some conversation. This is great!!!! I certainly have become much more reflective about my life (this forum contributing to that) and made many changes to how I approach things. You girls really make me feel "normal" about my feelings.

The topper is my wife was just cleaning out her closet and I picked up 3 pairs of heels (one of which are my favorite!), two pair of pants, a top and a sweater. Life is good!!!!

Keep this conversation going, I am really learning.

[Carolana]

Kandi, we have a lot in common. You said it well. Good questions. There's plenty of confession and innuendo, that you and I and others have tried to fight this off over the years and have finally quit fighting. Now we find ourselves here as part of that process.

[Heidi Stevens]

Kandi, thanks for the thread. I usually don't reply to threads on the "main" board as they can and do show up when you're googled. That said, being almost 59, Ive decided that I'd like to spend my remaining years as guilt free as possible. I know a lot of us in our 50s didn't have the luxury of going out in public in our 20's and 30's because of societal norms, making a living, kids, and understanding spouses. Today, our younger sisters have the knowledge of knowing in just a few key strokes what took us years to accumulate about our community. Armed with the same knowledge, I plan to have as much fun as I can in my remaining years. I realize I can't stop what I'm doing, so I'll control it as best as I can to protect those I love and charge into the sunset! Heels and all!

[Stephanie47]

You pose a good question. Me? In my earlier days I did not have much opportunity to express myself within my own set boundaries of contentment. When I retired my wife was still working, and, she still is working Monday through Friday. I found the additional time afforded me the opportunity to "relax" and not be hurried. I also knew I did not have to look over my shoulder with the old "risk vs. reward" issue. As I am not employed I do not have to worry about losing my job or bearing the consequences of being "self outed." I don't know if hormones have anything to do with cross dressing.

There may also be another reason why you see more older people joining, and, I will have to state my observation with a little "tongue in cheek." It takes some effort time wise to express oneself. I do not have a Facebook or Twitter account. I truly believe those forms of media prevent a lot of people from expressing themselves in more than a few words. Someone above made some comments about creative writing. How can one express themselves if he or she never had to write a short story or term paper, and, his or her life experience has been nothing but a tweet or one liners?

Another possibility is the younger people have not yet become comfortable with themselves. Sure, this site is accepting of our life choices, but, it really is not reflective of society. In general most younger people may be accepting of each other, but, the old "not in my backyard" is still prevalent. Also, youngsters still have to deal with the older people who may not be so accepting and truly rule the roosts in society. I have read many posts of youngsters here. It seems many are still living with parents or are in school/living arrangements which do not offer ample time to truly express themselves.

[Nikki A.]

I fit into this category also. As we hit our fifties our responsibilities to others lessen and we have the time to explore what makes us happy.
My kids were in college, my wife had passed away, leaving me with the time and the lack of having to compromise. Although one of my kids is back at home ( at least until he pays of some of his loans, thankfully he is doing very well job wise). I still get some time to my self and can indulge my femme side.

[paulaprimo]

my breakout moment was in my fifties and i'm not sure if i can explain why.
i think my pot just boiled over and came here for a sense of "belonging".
i've stopped asking about the "why's", and just enjoy...
and besides i look much younger with make-up...

[Rachael Leigh]

I think you hit a lot of what finally made me be more accepting. I'm 53 and I did finally understand it's just a part of me I need to manage and deal with. It's so much harder though on our wives and I have to do a better job on that part too.
I am happier now that I have this as a part of me and know I've got folks here who understand me. It has made it eaiser for sure

[Katey888]

This:

empty nest plus time is starting to run out and perhaps fewer inhibitions as we head towards Oldtimers?
luv J

and this:

There may also be another reason why you see more older people joining, and, I will have to state my observation with a little "tongue in cheek." It takes some effort time wise to express oneself. I do not have a Facebook or Twitter account. I truly believe those forms of media prevent a lot of people from expressing themselves in more than a few words. Someone above made some comments about creative writing. How can one express themselves if he or she never had to write a short story or term paper, and, his or her life experience has been nothing but a tweet or one liners?

and this in spades!:

and besides i look much younger with make-up...

Thanks Paula - it somehow seems less embarrassing if someone else says it first...

OK - so I haven't fully 'outed' and likely won't short term, but I still feel there's a clock-a-tickin' somewhere, and I am embracing more experiential life lately, so why not explore a part of me that has been deliberately suppressed in earlier years. Turns out I have something of a talent for art (helps with makeup guys... ) and can be a pretty mean cake-maker too... Don't ask me what that has to do with anything - I'm just bragging...

I think there's been a backlog of wanting to be the 'attractive' one; yearning for glamour and really, REALLY wanting to know what it feels and tastes like; and finally just wanting to express a little bit of latent femininity in a feminine presentation rather than a camp, male one...

Works for me!

Katey x

[Jean 103]

Age, I’m sure plays into it as well as a time in life that there is a new found freedom. You couple that with the technology of today. With commutation now how would you know what is the average CDers age. Just this morning I received an email form a young singer/songwriter I met on a recent trip. I told her that I would like more CDs (music) I know a dated medium. She sent me two links to places you can stream her music online. So my question would be are we stuck in the past on this site. I’m not complaining, just wondering are the younger girls just somewhere else.

[Alice Torn]

Well, i am 60, now, one of the rare never married single here, and dressed first at age 14, then only once a year or so tried on hose, then age 51, bought my first used dress, wig, heels, and been dressing several times a month ever since. Not ever having a beautiful wife, i dress up as the woman I would like to be with, only she is a creation of mine, in the mirror. There are other reasons, to, like my dad always resenting me, and he wanted only daughters.

[Samantha Clark]

For me, I think it has something to do with reaching a point in my life where I have accomplished everything I set out to accomplish professionally and with family, and I have less need to please others in order to achieve something. I have been able to be more contemplative and self-reflective, more in touch with my own feelings, more emotional. The long repressed feelings just bubbled up to the surface, and I wasn't afraid of them for once in my life.

Still struggling to sort it out, but I'm no longer ignoring my feelings and needs. Yes, at >50 is when this all started with me.

[Amy Fakley]

I have a theory on this, based purely on my own experience and from hanging around the forum the past few years. So take it for what it's worth, but there seems to be a pattern ...

1. You already gotta have your wires crossed
   
   Perhaps from birth, or whatever it is ... we read on here all the time, the "typical" story of how we started out feeling the ways that we do from almost our first memories (or very young anyhow). Obviously there are many exceptions. But the pattern has this pre-condition: that it's been simmering under your skin for a long while.
   
   
2. Somehow, you find the space, and time to work out your feelings
   
   My experience was that I buried my feelings as deep as I could and intentionally wrapped myself up with unending distractions and responsibilities. I was literally trying to hide from myself. I think that happens for a lot of us, and when we finally encounter a circumstance that clears it all away, then we have time to think, and the puzzle pieces start to fit.
   
   
3. You experience your mortality
   
   Not a required component of the pattern but we read about it a lot here, and it is something that was true in my experience: at some point you viscerally experience your mortality in a way that is new to you. For me, it was a bout with cancer. That sort of experience imparts a clarity that I think is needed to reach the critical mass necessary to ...
   
   
4. Decide to do something about it
   
   Maybe that's buying your first wig and "putting yourself together" for the first time, or maybe you got to that point years ago ... but the pattern is this: in your mind, you have admitted to yourself "this is who I am, and I'm ok with it, and I'm going to own this part of me"
   
   
5. a thousand flowers bloom
   
   The list of "firsts" keeps growing, you make peace with yourself and possibly others about this, etc.
   

Maybe there's more to this pattern, I got no idea what comes next. But I do think that it's less to do with age, and more to do with the pieces of that pattern falling into place. I think statistically, we're possibly more likely to hit that pattern as we approach retirement age, and the kids move out etc. For me, it happened in my 30's ... it might have waited a lot longer if I hadn't forcibly been given the downtime to make since of my feelings on account of health stuff ... I may have continued secretly doing my thing in the back of the closet, and trying incessantly to put it out of my mind for a lot longer ...