Just not sure what to do

[Stephanie Morgan]

Long post warning....sorry. First let me say the ladies of this site rock!! As you can see from my low post count, I don't post alot (very shy). I visit here almost daily and have learned so much from the wonderful people here that I just wanted to say thanks.Okay a bit of background info to help. I'm a 45 year old that is married to the most wonderful woman I can imagine. She does know all about me and is not only accepting, but supportive and encouraging. Like many of the ladies here, I dressed enfemme at a young age. Stopped and started a couple times over the years. Always in the closet and always alone (my most carefully guarded secret). I am very much in the closet to most of the world as only a few very close friends and my beautiful bride know of my dressing. And with the job I have, I have no intentions of coming out any further at this time. However, the rules at my house are that I can dress whenever I wish, for as long as I wish, as long as the two kids we have still at home don't find out. I'm good with these rules and work really hard to stay within them (its really not too hard).
So what could be the problem you ask? Its just this. When I get dressed enfemme with my wife at home, I get very nervous. It still troubles me that she may think less of me or her view point on this subject may change. After a few minutes being dressed, I seem to relax and everything goes ok. I know this is not a very rational train of thought, but I can't seem to stop this train from rolling down the tracks. I have talked with my wife about this fear and she always tells me how much she loves me and it will work itself out.
So my question is......has anyone else experienced this sort of anxiety? Most times I think I'm just over thinking things a bit. But still....the fear is there in the back of my mind.

On a side note, my wife has asked if I would like to go on a small vacation with her this year, just the two of us. She mentioned flying out to California (we live in Georgia), but would not tell me what city, saying that she would like for me to spend a couple days out and about with her as Stephanie. I asked her what brought this on and she replied...I think it would help put you in a better place and help you feel better in your own skin. Wow I didn't see that one coming. As I have only ever been out of the house once before, I am really nervous about this and not sure what to do. Help!!!

Thanks for listening
Stephanie M.

[Michelle 78]

Hi Stephanie great post,

You sound like you have started similar to myself, starting at an early age and keeping it as you closest secret since then, your wife sounds amazing to be so supportive and understanding. I know were you are coming from when you say about your dressing rolling down the tracks and heading for a destination you don't even know, I feel the same way about myself, but just do as I have and go with the flow. A few months back I wanted to dress every minute I could get, but after a bit of time the pink fog clears and you find a level that you are comfortable with. When I started out I was very much in the pink fog and wanted to go outside so badly and was even thinking that one day I might want to transition, but now I know I am happy to be a man and a woman.

Why not do as your wife suggests and go for it and try going out with her, if you don't find comfortable, go back to how you are now dressing at home, at least you will know what it was like, life is too short for regrets. Only you can decide for yourself what is best that is only my

good luck

Michelle

[Kandi Robbins]

Steph,

We have traveled a similar path, although I only recently told my supportive wife.

Don't overthink it! Enjoy the freedom your wife has given you and simply take a deep breath and enjoy it. You wife (much like mine) sounds like an angel.

Love her, love yourself, love your kids, all will work out.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Don't feel pressured if you're not ready- your wife will understand. If she made the offer once, she'll keep it on the table until such time as you do feel ready. Talk about this with her- she deserves your total honesty, as well as your love.

Good luck what ever you decide!

[Carolana]

It might help to consider that you may possibly be not the only one enjoying this, and that she may be struggling with revealing the degree that she is also enjoying it. I can hardly imagine her suggestion is meant entirely for your benefit. She has already anticipated it in her mind. You might want to ask her. If that is the case, then it may ease your anxiety and actually make for a new dynamic. I have noticed many supportive wives here and I suspect that some of them may well be secretly turned on by her cross dressing husband more than they let on. I had a girlfriend years ago that I shared with and she told me right away it turned her on and wanted me to make love to her as a woman. I totally fumbled it back then. Shoot!

[TerriM]

Stephanie, you are very lucky to have a wife like yours. My only advice is to go slow. I have seen couples who's marriages ended because they went too fast.

[Stephanielawrence]

Wow! You are lucky to have the support you do from your wife. I am in the same boat as you generation wise and have been with my wife for a long time and we too have 2 kids. I hope all goes as well when we have this conversation!

[Marcelle]

Hi Stephanie,

Anxiety in dressing around your lovely wife . . . I think many who do so experience this during the early stages. My wife has no issues when I dress at home and in the beginning I felt that perhaps she was just doing so because she thought she needed to make me happy. So I asked her all the time if she was okay with it and like your wife she responded that she was fine. It took a certain amount of comfort on my part to put this aside but eventually it did go away. For me it was a feeling that perhaps she saw me as less of a man and it wasn't until I got comfortable with myself that it went away.

As your wife has expressed an interest in furthering your dressing with some time away, I believe she is fine with it so I would not worry too much. Keep communicating and things will work out. If you are truly ready to go out and about as Stephanie, I say enjoy the vacation but don't feel pressured to do so. I am sure she will understand if your vacation becomes just the two alone for some time with you "en boy" vice "en femme".

Hugs

Isha

[Stephanie Morgan]

Thank you girls for all the help. I really do think I am over thinking things a bit. I just don't want to harm the wonderful relationship my wife and I share. My wife was sitting next to me when I posted this, as she often is when I am on here. We had a great conversation and it would seem I neglected to mention the fact that I was afraid she would see me as somewhat less of a man if I dressed around her more at home. That and the fact I did not want her agreeing to anything for the sole reason of making me happy.That was a topic we never talked about. So we did. She told me it makes her happy to see me relax and enjoy myself and just be me.
So I think I will be following the great advice I received from you wonderful ladies and talk it through with my wife some more and try to relax and enjoy the ride.

Thank you all so much
Stephanie M.

[Jenniferathome]

Stephanie, I have the same low level thoughts when I am dressed with my wife. I like her company and she has no issues with it, but despite my wife's acceptance, I know this is not the vision of her husband that she prefers. She accepts that this is part of me and that's what it is. Any thoughts or nerves are solely mine.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Stephanie, You still feel a little shame and embarrassment that should pass as time goes by.

[kimdl93]

Honestly, I think time and experience will help ease your anxieties. Your wife senses this, apparently, and quite wisely suggested the time time away together, sharing this experience. I suspect she is right. Your anxieties will dissipate and you'll focus on life's newfound pleasures together.

[Jackie7]

My wife and I Have been together 12 years, I was dressed en femme when we met so there never were any secrets, she has always been 100% supportive, accepting, encouraging, helpful and kind.... And even today I'm occasionally compelled by my own anxieties to check in with her and be sure she continues to be good with it. She usually laughs and says something reassuring, but I can see she would prefer I just got with the program and let go of my anxiety. Not sure I ever will, though. I think it arises spontaneously from the scar tissue left by so many years of struggling merely to exist.

[Pat]

The anxiety sounds totally rational and probably marks the period where you're mentally transitioning from male you to female you as you say you calm down after a little while. It's a fear of rejection, it doesn't have to be based on anything.

The trip sounds awesome. Read through the forum and see how universally people get excited and happy over their first trip outside -- it will be the same for you. Having a safe companion makes it all the better and it will help your fem side and your wife bond. It's an unreserved two thumbs up -- do it if you can. If not, give the idea some time to ripen and do it later. Or ask your wife if she'd help you start small and just go for a drive.

[Sarah Doepner]

Stephanie, it sounds like you and your wife have a good foundation for your marriage and keeping the lines of communication open is the number one concern. It does sound like she is as supportive as you could hope and maybe the change of venue where you wouldn't be worried about kids, friends or family discovering you dressed might be a boost, even if you don't leave your room.

[Barbara Maria]

I don't know what to tell you about going out,since I'm strictly closet myself,but I can say HANG ONTO THAT WOMAN!

[JamieG]

I think the anxiety being dressed around your wife is normal. I still get a little nervous just talking about it with my wife, although she's probably not as accepting as yours is (she prefers that I dress when neither she nor the kids are around). The trip to California sounds like fun and is really thoughtful of your wife. I would suggest that you bring some male clothes in case either of you have second thoughts once the reality starts in. See if you can meet up with some other CDs while out there, and plan on doing some things together that you both enjoy, but just do it en femme: go see a movie, take a walk in a park, whatever.

[suchacutie]

I think this is a tremendous opportunity from a number of perspectives. It sounds like you aren't in the habit of going out en femme, and this hurdle might be a significant part of your anxiety. Even having a supportive spouse with you, there are voice issues and word-usage issues. This can be a fun topic of conversation between you and your wife about how to address these in the two days you will be en femme. Another topic of discussion/planning is just how one goes about moving from being a "day-dresser" to being dressed for a number of days in a row, or even one complete day. Planning for coming back to your rooms for shaving and reapplying makeup, etc will be important for a comfortable day. Then there are issues like what to do about your nails. Staying in one gender presentation allows for getting your nails done as a first step (acrylic, gels, etc) so that they last for the entire time and are sturdy. Breastforms can be attached for the duration.

I have to admit, just listing all these topics are a bit exciting, but you are in the enviable position to have help in planning these things. With the tremendous communication you have with your wife, I can just imagine how much fun it will be to plan it all out! Doing it together is very much the best!

Have fun!

[Nicole Erin]

A lot could be said here so here is the short version -
Yes your wife may change her mind about your dressing but if you two agree and stick to the "terms", things should be fine. A lot of times when it becomes a problem is when the CD wants to keep pushing boundaries. Also, when marriages do fall apart because the husband is TG, it usually takes years. It is not like one day your wife will want to leave because you are CD. Plus, when marriages fall apart, there are often a lot more problems at hand than just CD. I believe the CD part is just a cop-out. Stick with the boundaries you two set and all should be fine.

About her wanting to go out - you two don't have to go all the way to California. I understand wanting to do this in another town but it is not necessary to travel across the country. Unless you two want to go there anyways.

Anxiety about going out dressed up - So you will be in another city and have your wife with you. There are two confidence boosters. Also keep in mind that it is pretty seldom that someone gives even a non-passing TG a hard time. The only idiots who do that are the low lives. Therefore, avoid crappy neighborhoods and riff raff type people. Stay out of clubs and bars (unless they are GLBT friendly)

Also, let her know your fears and maybe if you two can go to a different city that is maybe an hour or two away so you can warm up to being out dressed. Well maybe... we all know building the confidence to venture out dressed and not feel fear can take a long time and many outings.

[MsVal]

Hi Stephanie,
I'm not going to repeat any of the great advice that others have given. Instead, I simply want to give you and your dear, sweet, loving wife a big Pat-On-The-Back for your honest and open communication. There are few couples, regardless of gender identity issues, that are able to discuss such personal, intimate things. I believe that if you do nothing more than sustain that level of communication, you will enjoy a long and happy marriage.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Isabella Ross]

After six years out of the closet, I'm still prone to a little anxiety when I dress around my incredibly supportive and encouraging wife. The other night, as I slipped into a long black lacy nightgown (cold here right now!) I said to her, "You probably think I'm crazy, don't you?" She replied, "Sweetheart, I don't even notice anymore when you're wearing a pretty nightgown...it just seems normal to me." Old fears and anxieties die hard.

[Stephanie Morgan]

I really appreciate all the help. I honestly thought it was just me having some silly anxiety when, on the surface, everything appears ok. And to some degree, I'm sure I am. One thing for certain, my wife and I are best friends and can talk to one another about anything so the communication part of things is usually never an issue. I just need to try and remember to tell her when something is bothering me and not let it slide (as I have a bad habit of doing).
As for the trip, we have wanted to visit California for awhile so it seems like a good idea. That and there is absolutely no way to run into anyone we know there...lol. The one time we went out with me enfemme was to a TG group in a city a couple hours from here. Wonderful group of girls and we had a blast.
Its good to know I'm not alone in this....thank ya'll so much.

Stephanie M.

[SophieBee]

Hi Stephanie, As I'm new to all this I have no experience or advice to offer but I just want to say that you have a wonderful wife supporting you there and I just hope my wife is as supportive and understanding as yours when we have 'The talk' which although I'm nervous of will be happening soon.
Treasure her girl, she sounds like one in a million!