not telling, not so easy

[arbon]

My rule is not to bring it up unless I have to, but..

I have been working a new job at nights for the last couple months where no one knew me in my past life, though I am sure one person there does at least know that I am ts, and I also know the general managers husband knows too (but he is always so sweet to me still) so I would think the the GM knows as well, though she has never indicated that she does.

Because I think that those two people at the new job do know that I am TS, even if they did not know me from my past life, I more or less assume everyone else must know. I also have terrible self image and find it hard to believe people could not figure it out from the way I look (will I ever get over this insecurity?)

But nothing has ever been said and I have not been mis-gendered since being there.
Which is great, and I should keep my mouth shut.

Except there are so many other people that did know me from before around town and often some of these people come to the store. The other night I was almost certain an old friend was going to out me because she recognized me but I have never talked to her since I transitioned. It was kinda a bummer because when she came in I was tending the oven away from the counter trying to avoid her attention and hoping she would not recognize me. But nope, she knew who I was and started to talk to me so I came up front. Then she started talking to a couple of my co-workers about how me and her spent time together as kids and stuff, and talking about her uncle and my dad and so on - as she was talking I was so on edge just waiting for my old name to come out or for her to gender me as male in front of my co-workers. Luckily she must know about my transition and everything even though I never talked to her directly and she managed to avoid my name (old or new) and pronouns altogether (bless her!) But the incident, the fear that she was going to out me, really stressed me out!

So I get conflicted. I want to just be a woman at this place without the trans stuff coming up or people knowing if I can avoid it. At the same time I know sooner or later I'm gonna get whacked over the head with it. When it happens I don't want to be freaked out about it or have it shocking my co-workers. If someone comes in and outs me it would be nice if I knew my co workers already knew and where hopefully okay with me still so I would not stress so much over it. So I keep feeling like I should try to casually mention it or somehow feel some of my coworkers out to see what may or may not be known about me. But doing that for sure lets it out. So..... I don't know.

Being a woman I want to know for sure my secret is safe, which it is totally not, so I should just be the out and proud trans which I would at least have more control over and knowing where I stand.

Thoughts?

I get so tired of all this.