Reveal update, support appreciated........please....no pro/con debate !!

[mykell]

so a year has passed since my reveal to my wife 2013, after the words left my mouth i thought it was over for us, the support that i was shown was nothing short of remarkable, so thank you all once again.

we have maintained a mostly DADT type relationship for most of that year and just before the holidays i moved it into light discussion (very light) as i needed to know what my limits were between us were as it was never brought up or talked about, going out to TG venues and support meetings, a professional photo-shoot were some things talked about, i didn't push much past those items even though some other things were on my back burner.

i felt compelled to share as many threads cover the pros and cons of the reveal but you seldom here the after thoughts, this is not a debate for either….please keep it that way….its as i always felt your personal choice for your reasons, mine was pushed by a resent death of my father and reading of some favorable outcomes by members here that were read by me after i joined.

if i passed how would i convey the answers my wife may have when she found my *stuff*, i told what it was I've done and do, answered all those typical questions, those typical concerns, this may not work for all of us. i would suggest that if you share that kind of concern to type up a letter of those things you would like your other half to know and include it with your things you hide so you can provide that closure for them if your fate should end earlier than they’res.

so im out to my wife, I'm sure that a family member or so knows or assumes and even friends who really weren't who may have suspected assumed and/or moved on. my boy will have to be told at a later date as he’s at that vulnerable teenage stage of life with a girlfriend and i don't want to rock the boat so to say…

on our anniversary i proposed to her and asked to renew our vows on our 25th anniversary, still to come….

for those without a mate and compelled to disclose to friends or family its just as important to convey your position with tact and not a “tah dah” type moment. you will be taken much more seriously and respect shown will more likely be reciprocated back.

its always a gamble and once its out there it could always change, it may become better or it could also easily get worse, its no guarantee either way.

i wanted to share so anyone who has thought about this could use this info, new members or seasoned regulars…..remind them that its personal and daunting but which ever way you decide the group has your back and support is plentiful…..but the outcomes are as varied as much as the folks that make up our community…..

to those who are struggling in a relationship after a reveal i hope that you persevere and you use this resource to its fullest, i wish that my wife had the support i received here…..although suggested she never sought any as far as i know….

thanks for reading and thanks again for the support, this time last year i didn't think id still be married right now………


ok thats enough of the serious stuff….go find that thread about your "sense of humor"…...and after that theirs football……

[Carly CD]

Very well put post.
I came out to my mother last week and one of the many reasons was "what happens when I passed". My wife knows and supports Carly, so that wasn't a concern. But what if something happened to my wife and and I at the sametime? I like your idea of a letter being with someone's "stash". For me it's important that anyone who would come across my things after I was gone; to know that it was not a fetish or sexual thing for me. And that I had dealt with gender identity issues since a very young age. Now that my wife, mother and mother in law knows that, I feel better if something would happen if my other side came to light. Since I wouldn't be there to explain. After they pass and my kids grow,maybe a letter would be in order until I have a talk with my kids.

[charlenesomeone]

I think we often feel the post reveal quiet is acceptance. I felt too, and was wrong. It's only after
additional communication you find if it's acceptance or tolerance. Then as many have said it comes down
to what battles to persue. All the best to all the girls in our same "boat".

[Vikky]

Hi Mikell

Well said and good luck in future. I am in a similar situation, came out to my SO about a year ago and she is accepting but it is a closeted DADT position. Will be talking to her again soon as I need to expand my dressing and I have to see what the reaction may be.

Vikky

[Teresa]

Mikell,
Thanks for sharing your story and how it worked for you, I hope it continues to get better without too many setbacks !

I thought things would improve with age but there's always other issues that are more important than my CDing, I'm finding it harder to help with them until my own situation improves. Last time I talked with my wife I tried to explain that at the moment I need some help before I can clear my mind to help with the other problems, it's not a case of being awkward, it's trying to be truthful about how I need to move forward otherwise we may not have a future together !

[mykell]

I think we often feel the post reveal quiet is acceptance. I felt too, and was wrong. It's only after
additional communication you find if it's acceptance or tolerance. Then as many have said it comes down
to what battles to persue. All the best to all the girls in our same "boat".

right now i think it is tolerance of it on her part, but im not as afraid to talk about things if she makes comments...

Hi Mikell

Well said and good luck in future. I am in a similar situation, came out to my SO about a year ago and she is accepting but it is a closeted DADT position. Will be talking to her again soon as I need to expand my dressing and I have to see what the reaction may be.

Vikky

when i tried for a conversation with my wife i started it while we were in the car, she couldnt just up and walk away into a different room, had half a dozen items to get out but felt it was a win getting 3 in......

Mikell,
Thanks for sharing your story and how it worked for you, I hope it continues to get better without too many setbacks !

I thought things would improve with age but there's always other issues that are more important than my CDing, I'm finding it harder to help with them until my own situation improves. Last time I talked with my wife I tried to explain that at the moment I need some help before I can clear my mind to help with the other problems, it's not a case of being awkward, it's trying to be truthful about how I need to move forward otherwise we may not have a future together !

teresa im hoping you will be able to get past those hurdles with your wife, relaxing and enjoying the retirement you worked so hard for shouldnt be such a troubled accomplishment

Very well put post.
I came out to my mother last week and one of the many reasons was "what happens when I passed". My wife knows and supports Carly, so that wasn't a concern. But what if something happened to my wife and and I at the sametime? I like your idea of a letter being with someone's "stash". For me it's important that anyone who would come across my things after I was gone; to know that it was not a fetish or sexual thing for me. And that I had dealt with gender identity issues since a very young age. Now that my wife, mother and mother in law knows that, I feel better if something would happen if my other side came to light. Since I wouldn't be there to explain. After they pass and my kids grow,maybe a letter would be in order until I have a talk with my kids.

very happy you had success with you moms and your wife, thought about the letter after i revealed, still might use one for her to inform my friends iv made here when i pass, always wonder what happens when you stop seeing folks post....

[flatlander_48]

m:

Without a doubt, human relationships are complicated. Adding the layer of Crossdressing on top of that can make things very difficult. Judging by various threads here, telling or not telling is a very hard decision for MANY people. A lot can hang in the balance because we can't accurately predict the outcome.

However, as a result of unburdening yourself, there can be many personal benefits. When you don't have to invest energy in maintaining a particular personna, you tend to be more relaxed and able to deal with situations. You can use more of your true abilities and energy when we don't have to hold back in order to support a more traditional and expected personna. Also, in my case and perhaps for others, it allowed me to see things from a bit different perspective. I now tend to be more sensitive to women's issues. Not that I wasn't before, but the difference is my thinking is based on more understanding rather than an assumption of right and wrong. Said another way, the thoughts resonate deeper.

I think your light and slow approach is good. Whenever there is a major change, people settle into it fairly slowly. If you try to rush, it will probably not go very well...

Hang in there,

DeeAnn

[AngelaYVR]

Always great to read these stories. I think this must be the number one issue for most of us so it is rewarding to hear of situations that are working out.

xox

[TerriM]

I told my wife over 30yrs ago. We were married 10yrs at the time. Fast forward to the present. She hasn't seen me dressed and doesn't talk about it. We had 3 kids when I told her, have 5 now. The kids don't know as far as I know. I try to get out a out once a month. Its not easy, but you have to find that balance.
Terri

[Katey888]

Mikell - thanks for continuing to share the lows and highs of your ongoing relationship... it's very honest of you to do so and must hurt a lot more for you to review everything if you don't always have a basket of roses to shower upon us, metaphorically speaking...

I can only wish you continued good luck with everything - I don't believe you could have done anything more to influence the outcome positively.

Katey x

[mykell]

hi katey,
thank you for the kind wishes...and the hug....
things that hurt were being made fun of for being who i was, not standing up for someone being put down for being who they were. telling my wife about my CDing, hard, difficult, challenging, formidable, painful, absolutely.

yes its true that going shopping for a new dress with my wife or opening a gift for mikell at home from the mrs. does not happen at this point and it would be wonderful to share with everyone here about those things, they simply dont happen although it does for some....

i can only hope to have those situations someday....sharing my time with the first year was to offer hope to those who may look at my situation and wish "only if" like i look at the ones mentioned and feel "only if"......

human nature is to always second guess how you behave in some situations, i think i got it right, their is a saying.....slow and steady wins the race.....i feel im on the right path....just wanted to share my progress with the group and thank them for being here for me then.....they helped it hurt less when i actually let those words go.....

again thanks for reading.....

[Tina_gm]

All of us are unique, and our situations will always be unique to us as well. There are however commonalities within our particular set of circumstances, being crossdressers and perhaps somewhere on the TG spectrum. Mikell, I believe you and I are at somewhat of a common circumstance, as both of our wives seem to have somewhat similar reactions to our dressing. Perhaps you and I are also somewhere in the same general area when it comes to our gender differences of being a "regular" male.

What I believe has persevered for you and I is that we are giving our wives respect and not pushing this too far too soon. Also that anyone's individual situation or circumstance needs to simply be regarded as that. You and I may never get the dressing with the wives type of marriage, or shopping trips, being together with them dressed etc etc. IF we don't, can our lives still be complete? Can we find ways to be true to ourselves, and continue to have not only a marriage but a good one.

Life is always a balancing act, regardless if someone is on the TG spectrum or is a Crossdresser. There is always compromises to be made and sacrifices to be made for the greater good. The unique set of circumstances and situations faced by a crossdresser make that balancing act much more delicate, but it still falls along the same basic principles of compromises and sacrifices.

One thing is certain though, there is no one template of what will work. Partners of CDers are as unique in their response to CDing as CDers are unique in their CDing. Because what may or has worked for you or me may not work for someone else. And vice versa. To read about someones dress up night with their wife will bring us envy, but too, many on here will likely envy the marriage and general openess to discuss gender issues and while not dressing in her presence, to not feel the weight of an elephant in the room sitting on our chest. To me, that is a better situation than dressing more and in her presence yet having the elephant be there. Or fights, and a more drastic on and off again acceptance many have experienced.

Because I can shave my body and her not mind it will not mean that doing what I have done will make another wife comfortable with shaving. It just so happens that my wife is not a big fan of body hair, so removal of body hair isn't a big deal for my wife.

You have found similar success in that you are removing the elephant in the room sitting on you. You are maintaining the life you have built for yourself and are now able to be more true to yourself in the process. Will it ever be exactly as you want? probably not. Life never is, for anyone.