Must I choose between sex and CD?

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Last night my wife initiated sex for the first time since I told her about my CDing 5 months ago. Since then it's been mostly DADT, though she hasn't objected to my wearing female underwear to bed from time to time.

I now fear that if I try to have a discussion about CDing again it might be another 5 months, or even longer...

I'm a crossdresser, not a monk.

HELP !!

[Vala]

I'm no expert and only you're wife can truly an ser this question. But if you have entered a DADT situation then my gut would tell me to start a discussion.

[richelle52]

Nikki, it may be that your wife only wants to have sex with the man she married and isn't in to having sex with your femme side. Since my wife discovered my secret she has become pretty comfortable with my lingerie in bed and around the house. She even told me that she didn't mind having sex with me wearing a nightgown or bra with a t-shirt but draws the line with me wearing my forms while we have sex. She said that does nothing for her and she is not into lesbian sex. I now know where the line is that isn't to be crossed. Maybe your wife has the same feelings.
I hope things work out for you. The most important thing is to keep up the communication with her. You've made this far so keep it going..

[lynda]

hi nikki, as a cd r who lived in a dadt marrege for many years ,i will try to put my two cents in, my wife just hated to c me dressed ,it was a complete turn off to her,so i had to seperate it from one another. so when it came to sex i was the male 100 percent no frills andthat worked for us.she knew about my crossdressing she did not want to talk ,see or touch it, and you know the old saying happy wife, happy life. well my wife passed away and now i dress as awomen almost 24/ 7 and you know what i would give it all up to have one hour with my beataful wife. not a year one hour .u do what suits u but the human touch is worth more then any pease of clothing can bring. nikki i sincerly wish all the happiness life cane bring,but try to look at this from all veiws. hugs love lynda

[Teresa]

Nikki,
I hit that situation at your age, the problem was I'd just come out to my wife , it made me feel very close to her but she did not respond, eventually it made me feel totally rejected and unloved and on the point of considering suicide !
My dressing is sexually based but I never took it into the bedroom and didn't need it to fulfill our needs ! I just feel that my CDing is being used as an excuse for a lack of a need for intimate relationships ! Now twenty years on my wife has no interest at all so I'm back where I started with dressing and my sexual needs ! My wife knows it hurts me but still does nothing about it !

[Miss Melissa]

I wish I had the answer. My situation has been going on since we had kids - about 7 years. My wife seems to have increased in discomfort with crossdressing since becoming a mother, and can't seem to look at me as a guy without seeing me as a girl. This has caused her to lose attraction to me as a guy and consequently our sex life has disappeared entirely.

[Caden Lane]

We cannot really expect our spouses or significant others to respect our crossdressing boundaries, if we do not accept theirs. Communication will be your best tool, but do avoid over communicating. Sometimes that can be done from the pink fog or desperation/exasperation.

Before my 2nd wife completely cut me off from sex, she would perceive the days that I had not worn anything femme. Those wod be the days that she would be receptive to sex. (Initiate sex?!? Wives do that?!?) so maybe working out a system so it doesn't squash the spontaneity completely. But it also won't hurt to ask her to experiment. Let her call it link if it works for her. But once those boundaries, it's best to accept them and respect them. Otherwise you risk alienating her and making her resent your dressing.

Ever & Always,
Caden Lane

[PaulaQ]

@Nikki - that type of rejection feels horrible, I know. My ex-wife found me to be repulsive after I came out to her.

If the two of you can't fix this, and sometimes these things can't be fixed, you need to ask yourself if the marriage meets your needs well enough to be worth staying in.

I know that sounds harsh, but an awful lot of marriages fail, and the incompatibility you two may face is really no different than any other incompatibility other couples face.

Do you want to be married to someone who can't love who you really are?

[Krisi]

Don't you ever initiate sex? It doesn't have to be her.

I suggest you quit wearing female underwear to bed. That might be her turnoff.

[Kate Simmons]

Seems to me that would be your choice my friend. Only you know what's more important to you.

[charlenesomeone]

Nikki, not sure how that might go, only you do. I do know "pushing " can have undesirable consequences.
But I wish you all the best in whatever you decide. All the best.
Hugs

[ReineD]

We do build up stories in our minds (most of us), especially in the beginning. This comes from our intuitive feelings of what the CDing is all about, nothing particularly conscious. We have not been exposed to the CDing, we do not live in your skins plus we are not male, and so we have no frame of reference for what you feel. For example, it is difficult for most of us to understand why a man would want to be pretty using the things that women use to attract men, if not to attract other men. So, many GGs feel as if they are not the main entrée on the menu, that they are instead more of a side dish and this is a turn-off.

From a personal perspective, it took me many years to disassociate the CDing from my SO's sexuality, despite being a member on this forum, despite having my SO tell me that he wasn't into men. Reading posts from members in the CD (not TS) section who give the impression they would want to be women all the time complicated matters. I was under the impression that my SO's head space was in the TG zone all the time even when he wasn't dressed (wanting to be a pretty girl). It just took a long time for me to see this wasn't true and frankly I think that only time is the solution here, combined with frequent talks about what this means to you sexually and what your wife means to you as well. This is a difficult conversation for most long-term couples to have especially if they are afraid to upset the status-quo … you know, like not facing the white elephant in the room.

If the CDing is or was linked to your sexuality (you'll need to be honest with yourself), I think it will be difficult for your wife to get past this. She will perceive a difference within you, based on whether you have been dressing or not, or thinking about it or not, and again she will feel as if it is the CDing that really excites you and not her. I suspect this is why so many wives don't want to see it. They don't want to face the fact that they may be just a side dish.

So please do keep the lines of communication open.

[natalie_cheryl]

When I first told my wife it was a couple of months before we had sex again since she needed the time to figure out how she felt about it. So b that might be what th e issue was. I say try and start things on your own and see what happens

[sometimes_miss]

One big problem is, we are sexually turned on mostly by subconscious feelings about our mate. Once you've changed her image of you from masculine man, to feminine person, you can easily destroy whatever it was that sexually turned her on. Love and lust are two different feelings, while, when you feel both together is great, it doesn't always work that way. We can still be very much in love with someone while not feeling any sexual desire for them. Men rarely know this; our sexual drive is so strong that it overcomes pretty much anything. But women don't have this overwhelming desire for sex 24/7, so you may have your work cut out for you now, in trying to reinforce the previous feeling in her of sexual desire for you; because every time she starts to get turned on, pretty much any image of you in some type of female attire or behavior imagined in her mind for even a few seconds can sort of short circuit the desire for sex.

[Cheryl T]

Monks are silent....sooooo

You'll never find out what she's thinking if you don't talk about it.

[Tiffany Jane]

Though we imagine we have an idea what our SO's are thinking or feeling, it is only honest conversation that will bring to light the intricate details of what each of you are feeling and thinking. I would imagine there are a lot of emotions and barriers in the last five months that have put a hold on your sex life. You don't mention if she has refused your attempts in the last month to know if your relationship is based upon her initiation, yours, or is mutually undefined. Being someone who suffers from Holiday depression, I can say that intimacy from November through January can be difficult for me. Look outside the crossdressing box and analyze what else may have been going on in the last five months. It is easy to feel that one's desire to do things that may be accepted by our SO's, can be over thought by our own subconscious and feelings. The more you both discuss the matter the more your feelings will be able to express themselves. This is not as easy as a lot of marital issues but it never gets any better by being ignored.

Choosing between sex and CD is not the underlying issue, unless it has been expressed by your wife in such a matter. Sex is a focus on a physical relationship with your wife, fulfilling needs by both partners. At this point, CDing is a part of your life and hopefully part of your wife's one day, that fulfills your needs or feelings while putting into question your wife's perception of how you can fulfill her needs, feelings, or perceived expectations of where the two of you stand in a broader aspect of your relationship.

[Marcelle]

Hi Nikki,

Even though you are in a DADT relationship I believe this is one of those things that bear discussion. There could (I say could) be other reasons for the decreased sexual activity which may have nothing to do with your CDing as she did initiate the activity. But then again you know your wife better than us and would have to weigh what is currently going on your lives and how you think she would take broaching such a subject and what it means to your DADT relationship. Sorry I can't offer much advice as our (mine and my wife's) understanding is that the bedroom is sacrosanct in that Isha does not darken the doorway in any form whatsoever and there is only one lady in the bedroom and that is my wife.

Hugs

Isha

[Nefer]

In a way its really got to be up to you. If the choice is so clear-cut, there may not be real compromise available. If that's the case, you have to decide what matters more. For me that would be easy, I'd pick my wife every time, though I don't think she'd ever force me to make that decision.

[Jaylyn]

I don't push my cd on my wife and she is ok with the dressing. I feel she didn't marry me to be a female so I try to keep Jaylyn at bay with sex. We have done some activities where we were both dressed and had a great time. We have always had a great sex life and really have done some very crazy sexual things. Wives I feel need the man they married for their fantasies and to satisfy them. We promised that in our marriage vows so I feel I need to fulfill my end of that. I like many others on here have high sex drives and do full fill some of my drives by dressing. My suggestion is to don't push too hard for her to accept you as a cd and satisfy her then she might become involved more with your needs also.

[NicoleScott]

I agree with Isha that the CDing is kept out of the bedroom. In my case, it's not by any agreement either, as I have never suggested it.
I also agree with Jaylyn, except for the "very crazy sexual things". hahaha
I would keep Nikki out of the bedroom unless she is clearly invited.
By the way, guys are allowed to initiate sex.

[kimgirl]

Hi Nikki
"It's not all about you!" These words still ring in my ears. 3 years ago my wife went into the menopause and her libido fell through the floor. I finally admitted my crossdressing to my wife and I last September, but our sex life has been infrequent for the last 3 years, from what was an adventurous and exciting one before. So when I am feeling horny and she doesn't, I start playing on my own insecurities and question is it something I've done, said, not said, not done, etc. Then she reminds me that I am only one half of our sex life and perhaps there is a problem with the other half this time. It's taken me a while to get used to that.

Maybe your wife, Nikki, has something on her mind, or she still wants to make love to her "man", or a bit of both.

I any case, keep talking without pressure.

[Maria 60]

My wife is pretty good about it but doesn't care for the wig and usually will ask me to remove it. There was a time when she started questioning me if it was the clothes turning me on or if it was her. At that point I separated the both and we only had sex if I was dressed at that time, or else pretty much I started to undress before sex and there were times when she would ask me not to bother undressing. WOMEN can't figure them out for the life of me. All I could suggest is I would consecrate on getting some, and take it from there. Just a suggestion.

[Kacey Black.]

We do build up stories in our minds (most of us), especially in the beginning. This comes from our intuitive feelings of what the CDing is all about, nothing particularly conscious. We have not been exposed to the CDing, we do not live in your skins plus we are not male, and so we have no frame of reference for what you feel. For example, it is difficult for most of us to understand why a man would want to be pretty using the things that women use to attract men, if not to attract other men. So, many GGs feel as if they are not the main entrée on the menu, that they are instead more of a side dish and this is a turn-off.

From a personal perspective, it took me many years to disassociate the CDing from my SO's sexuality, despite being a member on this forum, despite having my SO tell me that he wasn't into men. Reading posts from members in the CD (not TS) section who give the impression they would want to be women all the time complicated matters. I was under the impression that my SO's head space was in the TG zone all the time even when he wasn't dressed (wanting to be a pretty girl). It just took a long time for me to see this wasn't true and frankly I think that only time is the solution here, combined with frequent talks about what this means to you sexually and what your wife means to you as well. This is a difficult conversation for most long-term couples to have especially if they are afraid to upset the status-quo … you know, like not facing the white elephant in the room.

If the CDing is or was linked to your sexuality (you'll need to be honest with yourself), I think it will be difficult for your wife to get past this. She will perceive a difference within you, based on whether you have been dressing or not, or thinking about it or not, and again she will feel as if it is the CDing that really excites you and not her. I suspect this is why so many wives don't want to see it. They don't want to face the fact that they may be just a side dish.

So please do keep the lines of communication open.

Best

Answer

I've

Ever

Seen.

Thank you so much.

This one should go down in the hall of fame and has opened my eyes to things I never thought of. It also seems to be THE thing my wife has been attempting to say to me... and either I didn't hear it, or she couldn't find the right words.

You nailed it.

[Lori Kurtz]

If the CDing is or was linked to your sexuality (you'll need to be honest with yourself), I think it will be difficult for your wife to get past this. She will perceive a difference within you, based on whether you have been dressing or not, or thinking about it or not, and again she will feel as if it is the CDing that really excites you and not her. I suspect this is why so many wives don't want to see it. They don't want to face the fact that they may be just a side dish.
...
... please do keep the lines of communication open.

Great input, as usual, from this GG spouse. Because dressing up was a sex act for me, and because it became a problem that resulted in the end of marriage#1, I felt I had to make a choice between dressing up or finding spouse #2. The plan worked, and spouse #2 was well worth the effort.

I don't mean to imply that you MUST make that choice, but to try to have it both ways restricts your options in a big way: it's a rare woman who can be comfortable with a man directing as much of his sexual energy into dressing up as I did. If you're like me, you need to think of how that would feel for your wife. One more thing Reine is on target about: communication is key.

[ReineD]

One more word about how GGs feel. Of course I can't speak for all of us, but I've spoken to enough GGs to know that the following is pretty common and I'll begin with a point made by Sometimes_miss that I do not agree with (sorry if some of what I say is a repeat of my point above):

Once you've changed her image of you from masculine man, to feminine person, you can easily destroy whatever it was that sexually turned her on.

I don't know what you mean by feminine person but generally, unless a GG is married to a TS who is in the process of transition, she will still see her husband as a male, albeit a male who crossdresses. To many of us, femininity runs much deeper than shaved legs and makeup and it is darn hard for GGs to begin to think of their husbands as anything other than male, after having only known them as men. This may be a poor analogy (I can't immediately think of a better one), but take a guy who regularly engages in cosplay, even if he seems to live for it. The wife will know that he is not the cosplay character.

Sometimes_miss you are correct in your assumption that a woman's sex drive isn't as visual and as direct as a man's; it is influenced by a multitude of things such as the quality of her emotional relationship, her stress levels, her feelings about her own body, the questions she is asking herself about her husband's sexuality. So it's not just about seeing her husband dressed up. It takes a bit of analysis to get to the deeper levels, but generally the visual cues of a man wearing women's things are less of a turn-off factor (by themselves) than the wife's perception of her husband's motives for the CDing. Does he CD because he secretly wants to be a woman and if so what will happen to their future? Has the sex gone flat lately and is he beginning to fantasize about men more? Is she the main focus of his sexual desires as he is for her, or is he instead getting off on the idea that he is a woman in bed? This last point, I believe, is the most important and the hardest for any partner to accept no matter what 3rd entity/condition/object is taking up sexual energy from the other partner, even if it isn't the CDing. It could be anything that one partner is into and the other is not. Porn is a good example of this. A wife will be miserable if her husband sources more sexual excitement out of porn than from his wife. But, if they both enjoy it moderately together (if his main attraction is the wife), it can be icing on the cake.

These are complex issues and the visual cues of the CDing do bring up all the underlying implications mentioned above, that are at the real crux of the matter. So, if a wife is fully satisfied that her husband truly wants to continue being her male partner and he is truly into her, she will be a lot more comfortable with the CDing than a wife who is unsure about all of this. Just seeing her husband dressed will not ruin a wife's attraction to him if she is secure in her hetero relationship. By hetero, I mean a man and woman who are sexually attracted to each other, not a woman who is attracted to a man, who in turn is attracted to the CDing even if he can still have sex with his wife.