Must I choose between sex and CD?

[docrobbysherry]

Suddenly, being a single "fetish" dresser doesn't seem like such a bad thing after all!

[ReineD]

Sherry, I think it is a lot less complicated for fetish people to be single.

[Miss Melissa]

...but generally the visual cues of a man wearing women's things are less of a turn-off factor (by themselves) than the wife's perception of her husband's motives for the CDing.... Is she the main focus of his sexual desires as he is for her, or is he instead getting off on the idea that he is a woman in bed? This last point, I believe, is the most important and the hardest for any partner to accept no matter what 3rd entity/condition/object is taking up sexual energy from the other partner, even if it isn't the CDing. It could be anything that one partner is into and the other is not. Porn is a good example of this. A wife will be miserable if her husband sources more sexual excitement out of porn than from his wife. But, if they both enjoy it moderately together (if his main attraction is the wife), it can be icing on the cake.

By hetero, I mean a man and woman who are sexually attracted to each other, not a woman who is attracted to a man, who in turn is attracted to the CDing even if he can still have sex with his wife.

This argument frustrates me no end. If the couple are into each other, and are the main focus of the sexual encounter, what right does the a partner have to decide what tips the other over the edge? I've heard this argument a lot (against men and crossdressers especially). God forbid if husbands knew what goes on in women's imaginations when they need to get over the line. But you know what? We don't ask, we just enjoy the moment and our partner's pleasure for what it is.

[Claire Cook]

Reine, Thank you again for your insights. Too often we don't consider GG perspectives, and you do so much to to help us (or at least me) do so. Sex is a complex business, especially when CD'ing is involved, and we all should think about what you've said. Too often we think only of ourselves, and need to remember that sex involves both partners -- her needs as well as ours.

[NicoleScott]

Miss Melissa (#28) I agree. My thoughts and fantasies are mine, and if I draw upon them to enhance the sexual experience between me and my wife, it's good and who's to know? My wife may be fantasizing about Brad Pitt, but who's to know?
My dressing is very compartmentalized. I'm all in when I'm dressed, all out when I'm not. I'm a guy who likes to dress up occasionally, and as ultra-femme as possible. No aspect of my CDing carries over to my guy life - no underdressing, no androgyny. I can't control my wife's perception, but I can control what clues I give, or don't give:
"Thinking about those six inch high heels sent me over the top. Great sex, honey."
"Yes it was, Brad."

[Stephanie47]

I now fear that if I try to have a discussion about CDing again it might be another 5 months, or even longer...

HELP !!

Ok, no discussion or sex for five months. What do you expect will happen if you bring a discussion? How did she react before? What are your cross dressing goals as it relates to her?

[ReineD]

This argument frustrates me no end. If the couple are into each other, and are the main focus of the sexual encounter, what right does the a partner have to decide what tips the other over the edge?

Exactly. If they're into each other and are one another's main focus, there's no issue at all.

[MissTee]

An awesome thread with some really great insight. My wife was reading this over my shoulder and weighed it with an Amen to Reine's input. Specifically, she said women can detect if dressing is a surface level phenomenon or if it runs deeper and points to a motive that poses a threat. (BTW: I commended her for that militaristic threat assessment. She smartly returned that she learned from the best.)

Anyway, she says I am one of the easy ones because even cloaked in a dress I'm still all man. Sure, I display a few hip swishes and maybe a unique fluid wrist motion, but I do enough to hang on to "man me" that she perceives no threat. More to the point she, " . . . still feels secure and protected."

In summary, my wife says she married a man and wants to keep it that way. As far as she is concerned she still has that and supports me -- even if I have this weird wardrobe thing going on. I do suspect she would throw down a penalty flag were I to start to begin to deny manhood in exchange for something else. I don't know that I consciously did anything to ease her fears other than answer her questions and listen to her needs. So, if I have any advise it is to listen and to communicate.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Thank you, all of you, for your replies.

Some more background- kimgirl's reply is closest to my situation I think. Sex pretty much dried up during my wife's very difficult menopause, between about 2006-09, during which she had very little sleep, chronic night sweats, and generally felt like sh*t. I love her very much, and I never complained or tried to push the issue, just accepted that of course she didn't feel like it, she was totally exhausted and demoralised. Once menopause was past, I thought her batteries would gradually recharge and her libido would recover. I was wrong. I continued to wait patiently, and often she would spontaneously apologise for her lack of interest in sex- each time I would reassure her that she mustn't worry, that it was ok. Finally, perhaps around 2011-12, she began to take some interest again, and when we did make love she would orgasm. But she had great difficulty getting wet, and didn't want to know about lubricants. I continued to be patient, but by now if we did make love I was so anxious not to hurt her that I began to find it hard to maintain an erection. But there was some lovemaking, and we both seemed to enjoy it.

More background: my wife knew I wore women's panties from Day 1 in 2003. We went to bed on Day 1 and there they were- I feel no embarrassment about it, and if someone I got naked with didn't like it, there could be no future together. My wife had no problem with it, and our relationship blossomed. Our sex life was spectacular. Sometimes I went to bed in panties, sometimes not. This has never changed. During our first week I told her that I had occasionally xdressed, though only in places far from home, and my family had no knowledge of that side of me. I felt no particular urge to xdress, and remained content just to wear panties and thongs. This state continued through the menopause, and right up to this July when Nikki outed herself.

Since about 2012 our sex life has never recovered its former glory, and she feels terrible about it- though I've tried hard to reassure her that I still love her and it's ok. But it hasn't really been ok- it's made me irritable and frustrated, I know, and spilled out in our r/ship. I suppose we've made love about 6 times a year since 2012, though it's been more like 3 times in a few weeks then not at all for 3 months. Amazingly I think I've come through it- I don't crave it like I used to, and nothing would make me want to leave her- I love her far too much even to consider that.

Several of you have asked why I wait for her to initiate sex- that isn't the case, it's roughly 50-50, just that I don't try to initiate it very often because I fear pressuring her. She is a very loving, accepting person, and I worried terribly about telling her of my CDing expereince last July (staying with friends back in UK) because I didn't want to hurt her already very vulnerable feelings.

SO here I am- with the woman I love, and largely without sex. We don't have Isha's bedroom no-go zone, but I certainly wouldn't expect her to accept Nikki in the bedroom.

I must confess that sexually I am not a he-man, I'm not into 'taking' a woman, sex for me has always been a gentle sort of thing, and basically I think I would prefer to be taken; but I see that she as a hetero woman doesn't want to be cast in the role of aggressor, and I think we have a reasonable balance.

If anyone feels moved to comment further having read this update, PLEASE do- I really welcome your replies. I don't want to single out people for thanks as it might make others feel they haven't mattered - you all matter and I hope you know that.

Nikki

[AllieSF]

Nikki, thanks for the additional details. My only recommendation is based on the facts that one, she seems to feel bad about not being sexually active and accepting based on maybe discomfort and also maybe being older, post menopause, and two you are getting more frustrated to the point of publicly discussing it here. Why not seek out a qualified specialist, not your normal and friendly general practitioner (he/she could recommend one) to discuss this further and see what options and possible solutions exist. This is not necessarily therapy counseling, though parts of it may seem that way. Your wife's situation is not uncommon and doctors all over have been helping their patients deal with it all the time. The key to make it work is the ability of both of you, together or in separate visits to clearly, openly and honestly discuss all the issues, physical and mental. From what you have written, it appears to be more physical versus mental with the CDing a minor or non-issue.

Talking about couples sex between the parties and/or with others, friends or medical personnel, is not easy for most people. I think that a special effort is needed on both sides to make it work, and I do believe that a qualified professional may be able to make it work. Sometimes it is that third party that can listen better and offer recommendations that are easier to accept and try out, than those offered by one of the parties involved. I wish you the best of luck.

[StephanieinSecret]

Funny, someone said the exact same thing to me when I came out as bi. It was one of the worst things anyone has ever said to me. Hearing it said about CD doesnt soften the blow at all, and I'm shocked to see you of all people post such a thing.

[Katey888]

Hi Niks - I don't think you're situation is vastly different from a lot of us 'maturing' folk with mature relationships...

Everything you are trying and doing seems to be with reason and sensitivity - I'm sure your wife appreciates that... but sometimes the progress of time and age is going to be a bigger barrier than any two people can overcome, however hard they try and however deep their love for one another... All you can do is keep being you and doing what you think best...

You have my thoughts and wishes as that's really all I can offer...

Katey x

[Suzie Q]

Sigh, my wife knows that I cross dress but she has "accepted" it absolutely without comment. Then again, we never talk much about our relationship and anything that might have to do with sex is certainly off the table.

[Caden Lane]

It really doesn't sound as though the crossdressing is the issue here. It sounds like she may have lost her sexual drive, or her confidence, or both. Perhaps it would be appropriate for her to talk to her Doctor about hormone therapy, or a psychologist focusing on sexual issues.

Ever & Always,
Caden Lane

[char GG]

I agree with Krisi. Initiate something and be the man that she thinks she married.

Is is fair to spring CDing on a wife after not revealing before marriage and expect it welcomed with open arms?

[LexiNexi]

what is dadt? I have often sent my girl home so I could dress up. She is fragile and wants a real man, i think?

[Caden Lane]

DADT= Don't Ask Don't Tell, a usually one sided "agreement," where one spouse dictates terms, calls it compromise, and the Crossdresser should be thankful for it. Can you tell I've been there done that?!? Lol

Ever & Always,
A very telling Caden Lane

[LexiNexi]

DADT= Don't Ask Don't Tell, a usually one sided "agreement," where one spouse dictates terms, calls it compromise, and the Crossdresser should be thankful for it. Can you tell I've been there done that?!? Lol

Ever & Always,
A very telling Caden Lane

I can control everything but I dont want to do that. Its not fair and not right. Relationships are 50 50, I can take 100 % but I dont want it. If she wants 100% thats fine. There lies the conflict. I dressed up while she was sleeping next to me tonight.

[Tanya+]

Seems to me that it can be helpful to try and take the pressure off her. I am a big fan of starting with a unilateral apology, something like: "I'm so sorry, i feel that my girlie stuff is turning you off and that makes me feel awful, would you like me to get hairy again and man-up?" if you can make it heart felt, and make her know that you want to please her and not just yourself, it frees her up to accept or respond to your generosity of spirit, but also sometime later to reflect on what that offer cost you, and might make it easier to empathise with you. And maybe she can express her needs in that space you make for her.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Tanya- I believe I have taken pressure off her by not pushing my cd agenda and as far as I know I am genuinely not being in any way resentful or grumpy about it. This forum has been a godsend in terms of venting and sharing feelings with like-minded souls.

As an intro to taking the discussion further, which I think is coming up fairly soon, I really like your suggestion for how to phrase it- thank you. I already have the attitude you recommend, I believe.

Char gg and others: I do initiate sex, but I don't feel comfortable to always be the initiator. It makes me feel I'm being demanding, and although she normally accepts, in our early years she was the initiator about 50% of the time. I miss that clear message.

[char GG]

Five months is a long time to wait for her to initiate.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I believe I said it was 5 months since she initiated sex, not 5 months since we had sex, but I take your point. I see that the thread's title implies there's been none at all.