Confused about next steps

[Camille15]

These days I don't really get satisfaction from dressing unless I can do it all the way (makeup, wig, everything). And for that, I have to settle for my every 2-4 month day-long hotel stays. On my last such stay I ventured out way further than ever before, visiting a close-byTJ Maxx and doing a bit of shopping. It was incredible, and I don't even think I got clocked very much. Until then all I'd done was stroll the hotel lobby a couple times.

But now I'm at a "cross"-roads and don't know where to go. My wife doesn't know that I left the hotel last time, or that I have ever left my hotel room for that matter. And I'm sure it would make her uncomfortable to know I did so, mostly due to her fear for my safety. I can live with not telling her by saying to myself that it was "just one time" and that I had to experience it once in my life. But in truth, I'd really like to make it a regular thing, and doing that takes it to a much different level. Suddenly I'd be in the habit of keeping something much bigger from her, which I can't do in good conscience for our marriage. So that puts me squarely back in the hotel room to keep honest with her, which is still fun, but is feeling cramped now.

I want to talk to her about it, but I think it would just make her very uncomfortable (not to mention possibly stir the pot for me going out last time). I don't ever see her feeling comfortable with me being in public, given that someone could recognize, or worse, target me. She just worries in that way. I often think to myself that perhaps if she saw a photo of Camille, she would be less worried, seeing that I blend very well. In my fantasies of this, she is *shocked* by how good I look, and many of her concerns and conceptions go out the window. But I think that's pink fog talking. I may blend in public, and look OK to you girls, but to her I'll still be her husband in a dress, which gives her a whole different lens on it. Plus she's made it very clear in the past that she's not interested in seeing me dressed.

I will never be in the habit of lying to my wife about this as a regular thing, but at the same time I can't deny my desire to be out in the world as Camille. This girl would like more than just to sit in the hotel room and take photos of herself. So I don't know where to go or what to do, and would love any advice from you girls.

Love,
Camille

[AngelaYVR]

You'll never know unless you talk to your wife. She already knows you dress. Either that, or it's a case of what the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't know.

[ReineD]

Be honest with her. Tell her that you need to interact with others while dressed. FYI, I'd say that most crossdressers who feel they can go out and blend, come to the same conclusion eventually. I see it as a natural progression after having read threads here for eons, unless maybe it is strictly sexual for someone and they only just want to dress in private.

The difficulty with telling your wife, is that she may think that you are more than a crossdresser and she may worry that you will want to become a woman. And almost all wives at one point or another, wonder if their CD husband are into men. She needs to understand that wanting to interact with others while dressed does not a transsexual make. The road from being closeted to going out (with a wife's understanding) is difficult, but the two of you need to face the reality and in all likelihood, it will take a long time.

So you might start by finding appropriate reading material for your wife, a combination of books and websites that explain non-fetish crossdressing. Then see if you can find a support group to join, one that also welcomes wives, even if your wife does not want to join you immediately. It is important for her to know that she would always be welcomed to join you if she wanted to. You might just go to support group meetings for a year or two, and then begin to venture out in the next town over (dinner, shopping, cafés, etc). It was difficult for me at first to go out with my SO, I imagined that everyone was judging us. But now I don't worry about it, it took getting used to. It took time. I don't worry about our safety when we go out or when my SO goes out alone, because we stay away from bar areas late at night.

Good luck!

One last thing … it will be thrilling when you first begin to go out. Elating maybe. But, this will calm down as you incorporate your outings into a regular routine. Just don't be disappointed when things take on a more even keel. You may discover that you won't want to go out as often, but this is also a natural progression, at least this is what I have observed in my SO and in many other CDers here and at my SO's support group.

[Rachelakld]

Hi Camille,
If your wife askes you about your "dressing weekend", just say cool, got dressed, went to the mall for coffee, went to movies, went to dinner, went back to the motel before dark.
If your wife (who knows you go to a hotel for some "kinky time") doesn't ask, she probably doesn't want to know.

[charlenesomeone]

Camille, Reine is right on with her post. Try to find a support group for both of you. It is also a safe way for you to go out.
All the best to you both.

[Katey888]

Good advice already Camille...

You are already talking to your wife about this but not the extent - I think you have a couple of options, the first is to follow the advice already given; open the conversation with her about the prospect of you going out, perhaps together, perhaps to a support group..? However...

The fact that she's said that she's not interested in participating in this perhaps puts a different view on things. She may not want any part of your further development, and that puts you in a tricky situation - do you discuss and risk her further disapproval, or do you continue an effective DADT scenario..? I think only you can answer this, and as you don't do this very often (I can empathise with that ) I'd suggest you take your time over taking the discussion further and perhaps put a bit more thought and understanding into what is motivating you to do this, before you reveal your outings.

I'd also harboured a desire to get out for many years - it wasn't until the past year that those thoughts had really developed and clarified and that what I desired was social contact, and with others like myself... not shopping, not mixing with the muggles, but just sharing this passion we all have. It is most likely different for you - but I think it's our motivations that determine the how and what we do... Perhaps if you can get to grips with those, it will help you frame any further dialogue with your wife.



Good luck!

Katey x

[Marcelle]

Hi Camille,

The problem with going out is that it is intoxicating and addictive once you pass the confines of your door. You find yourself wanting it more and more and unfortunately, like dressing that feeling will not go away. As Reine indicated, it is a natural progression for many as they gain confidence in their look and wish to try the Vanilla world. Now you wife obviously knows about your CDing but you are in a DADT relationship of sorts in that she does not want to see you dressed but I get the impression she is willing to talk about it? I guess the decision to tell her comes down to two potential options: (1) can you live with the status quo and if so potentially risk getting outed by someone to your wife?; or (2) Is the drive to dress in public so pervasive that you need more Camille time in the Vanilla world then you currently have?

For option one, you could continue as you are but should you bump into someone who knows you and he/she tells your wife that is likely not to go to well. If it is option two then your need for dressing in public is going to eat away at you until you finally decide to do it outside of your normal routine and again you risk discovery. In either case, as your wife already knows about your CDing, not telling her is probably not the best course of action. IMHO I recommend you talk to you lovely wife and explain what you get out of dressing in public (how it makes you feel, how you blend), address her safety concerns and come to an accord. It might be she is only willing to concede to your time away or perhaps you could join a local support group and get out for meetings/events which might help quench your desire to dress a bit more in public.

Hugs

Isha

[Maria 60]

Hi Camille.
Last year I was going though the almost exact thing, I would get all dressed and then close the curtains and lock the doors like a prisoner, and sit on the couch and ask myself, now what. A few nights I finally did it, I dressed up and drove around for a few hours and it was like freedom. I didn't get out of my car but I did get a coffee at a drive threw coffee shop, and if anyone did get a look at me it was probably only truckers trying to look in the car for a view of my legs. It was great but not like you, my wife knew that I was going out and after the second time she told me, that if I wanted to take things further it would be better if we tell the children, because with taking greater chances it would be a matter of time before someone sees me, and better it comes from my mouth rather then off the streets. She told me that Maria was evolving to a beautiful women, but even myself I can say and have excepted that I could never pass as a women. She told me to think about it, well without even thinking about it, besides underdressing I never walked out that door dressed again besides Halloween. That's not what I wanted, I believe there's no reason to tell the children, I don't plan on becoming a women, or do I want to dress full time at home, yes we always want more, so I took a step back and had to revaluate were I wanted to go with this and decided and I will stay safe in my closet. When I was going out I only thought about what I wanted and my wife was right, it would be a matter of time before I wanted more. All the time never looking at the big picture and big question, what if I do get spotted? Think clearly about your next step and most of all keep safe.

[kimdl93]

This seems to be about your wife's fears (or what you think she may fear) and your emerging desire to get out and experience life. When I reached this stage I did as others have suggested...I told my wife I was lonely when my dressing was confined to our home. She understood that we are social creatures who need human contact. Of course she had concerns, but those can be addressed by where and when you go out.

[celeste26]

Lets face it Camille, not lying to the wife went out the door a long ago. So the choice is selective lying or merely occasional lying. Nothing that you do, at least what you've told us you do, is really dangerous or harmful and most places is legal. So there is no reason at all for holding it back unless the lack of respect for your wife is the real case. Just get over the hesitancy and tell it all to her, throw in some sobbing, and other theatrical features just for good measure so she can understand how important this all is for you.

[sometimes_miss]

I only have one thing to add. Stay safe. Always have a plan of what to do should the worst possible thing happens, oh, such as a drunken party of college athletes that hates queer transgender people like us. Know where the exits are, how far your car is, where the police stations or security guards offices are. Always use the bathroom before going out, and if possible, where the single stall handicapped bathrooms are if it's a public place so as to avoid any problems as to which bathroom to use doesn't ruffle anyone else's feathers. And good luck in your travels 'out'.

[Nyla F]

Hi Camille,

Is it safe to assume that you are in a DADT situation? I am. This means I have to hide a lot of stuff from her. After all, how can I not hide it if I'm not allowed to talk about it! So my end of the DADT agreement is to not tell. I wish it was clear where the boundaries were, like would she want to know if I was about to cross a certain boundary. But again, that would require another discussion which she does not want. Of course if she asks, then I'm obligated to tell the truth, so that is often in the back of my mind when I consider pushing the boundaries. Because eventually it will come up.

I'm concerned by the advice to always be open and honest and discuss things with your SO. While I think that it is good general advice, it doesn't work for those of use who have specifically been told by our SO that she doesn't want to talk about, see, or be part of our crossdressing.

[Edit] When I talk about boundaries, I'm talking about going beyond what my SO already knows about. Not boundaries that she is imposing (because if it were up to her I would not be a crossdresser and I can't abide by that boundary and she knows it).