I want to come out already! But I can't

[paola_gemi]

Hello everyone: I recently found this wonderful site and I browse it every day to read all the interesting stories.

I am 44, and in a long relationship with my GF. My wife I should said, we live together for 13 years.
Early in the relationship, I told her something about being Bisexual, but later i regret it and try to dismiss it.
She knew something was going on in my past, in regards to some experiences, but I never told her specifics nor does she ask, but I know she has something in her mind or the idea that I have homosexual inclinations. (but again she doesn't ask)

For years I have been struggling with my sexuality, and in the past 8 years, it turned more into gender identity issue.
When I was about 15 or 16, I remember dressing up a little bit for a few times, only with a long skirt, stockings and a pair of heels.
After that I didn't dress up for years, but I had issues with my sexuality.
About 8 years ago, I had this urge to buy make ups clothes and shoes, and transform my self fully in a girl, and I started doing it when my GF was away visiting family.
Things started escalating because it was not only when she was away, but I started doing it while she was home but I would tell her I was going to therapy.
So thing gat a little exciting and dangerous, because now I had to do it well organized so she would not know.
I went out about a dozen times, and every time I loved it, that was in the first year and a half when I started doing it.
Then we moved Mexico and I had to stop, because my lifestyle here would not allow me to do so. But when I go back to the States for a visit, I dress up and go out when I can, the last time I went out fully dressed was back in July. It was during the day in NYC and I felt great.

It is lately that I feel that I want to stop hiding and come out, starting to her.
Before I would not consider coming out at all, specially my family, (Father, sisters, nephews) but now I keep thinking about it and some part inside of me tell me that I should not care, and now I am more willing to come out in spite of what people think, not an easy thing because most people around my life would not understand, so I have the risk to lose a lot of people in my life.

With my wife, I some time try to pose feminine sitting down or something, so perhaps she would ask me about it, but she doesn't.
Now I feel more confortable using feminine postures and I don't care what she thinks.
I often think about just telling her but for some reason I am still holding back.
I know that asking what I should do will not help because it is something I have to be sure my self, but I want to ask your experiences, and if the same thing happen to you and what was the outcome.

Earlier in my life my questions were if I was Gay or Bi, but with time I think that I am transgender.
I am more confortable being feminine, and something I did not consider before is that now I would probably be willing to be full time and take hormones and even surgery.
I know this a Cross-dressers forum but I think that you could give me some advise, knowing what I really feel.


Hugs,


Paola.

[AllieSF]

Paola, You should only come out when you are ready. It appears that you are there or almost there. I would really hesitate to come out to anyone other than your wife at this moment. Later you can decide about other people who are important in your life. Are you thinking about coming out because you want to and actually will dress more frequently alone and in front of your wife and friends? There is a good sticky (marked tread for specific recommended reading with some recommendations on how to come out to a significant other (SO). You will also very shortly get a lot of other recommendations, some very good, some good and maybe even some to be ignored. The main thing in my opinion, make your decision based on what you read and what you think may be applicable in your specific situation, since all situations are different especially when dealing with personal relationships, families, friends and work. I wish you the best of luck because it may turn out better than you expected or much worse, no guarantees either way. One important recommendation is that once you start be totally honest and open, keep the details to a minimum and let her ask the questions. You have had a lot of time, like years, to try to deal with all of this so do not expect her to get a grasp on all of it immediately, if at all.

[kimdl93]

really i think you should spend some time clarifying matters. Its possible that you can be bi and not Tg, bi and TG and no bi and TG. Gender identify and sexual preference are two separate things. So, if you've shared with your wife the fact that at one time you had some bisexual experiences the matter of your sexual preference has already been resolved. You can be bi and be monogamous. If you're married and faithful, end of story.

Now to your gender identity. That seems a bit murky from what you've written. affecting "feminine poses" may mean something, but the larger question is how much do you need and want to express femininity in your daily life. Think it through. Based on what you feel you need NOW, come out in appropriate increments to those who MUST know. That is, if you want to spend a little, or a lot of time en femme with your wife, then you're going to have to tell her. The others in your life may not need to know now, they may never need to know. You can decide when you have a much clearer understanding of yourself.

[Lynn Marie]

Well Paola, it sounds like you've done plenty of thinking on this and have gotten to the point of wanting not only to dress but transitioning also and you no longer care about the consequences. Here's the deal as I see it. Hormones and transitioning is pretty much a deal breaker with your wife, kids, work, and most of your friends. I'm active in the Northwest Washington area and I've seen this many times now. You'll need to be fully prepared to lose it all if you want to transition. Your friends will be TG people and a few other really broad minded friends. Dressing 24/7 for a year under the care of a socialologist will be your first step in the process.

Be prepared for the worst to happen and be thankful for whatever turns out okay.

[Marcelle]

Hi Paola,

I am with Allie on this one . . . you have to be completely sure coming out is something you are ready to live with. Coming out to you GF is going to go only one of two ways: (1) acceptance and support on some level (i.e., she may be okay with it but not want to see it, or she may be fully supportive); or (2) She will not accept it at all and that could end your relationship. If she accepts your CDing and supports it to some degree, then I would keep it between the two of you until you are ready to let others know but include her in on that decision as it will affect her as well once friends and family begin to know. If she does not accept it and the relationship ends, then you have lost control of that information and she could tell others (including your family and friends).

Coming out is a personal decision and it affects us all differently. Many here will tell you that honesty is the only way forward and I agree in principle . . . when you are ready to weather that storm. I count myself fortunate in that my wife is fully supportive and I am out to just about everyone I know including work with no ramifications. But that is me and my circumstances are not yours. Just remember, once you let that secret out (even to one person) you cannot take that information back again and lock it away. So think very carefully before you make a decision. I always advise in these instances that if you can live with doing what you are doing in secret, put it away and then go back to being a loving partner then perhaps coming out is not the best course of action at this time. However, if you are at a point where not being able to dress is making you miserable, emotionally distraught and thoughts of doing so consume you to the point where you are neglecting your relationship, then perhaps it is time to discuss it with your wife. Even then, the result will still be acceptance or not.

Good luck.

Hugs

Isha

[paola_gemi]

Thank you all for your responses, I am very happy to read your opinions.
I really understand the difference between Gender identity and sexual preferences, but in my earlier years, I guess that could have been a bit confusing.
I know I had homosexual experiences and I still was attracted to women, so that would make me Bi, but then I also had those desires of dressing up.
In the beginning I did not consider any transition, I thought it was more like a fetish, combined with my homosexuality, But as time passed, I guess all those repressed feelings started to emerge differently. With time I would start accepting things that I would not consider before, and when my desire to dress came out very strong, I decided to explore it, and what I found was thatI kept liking more and more things about it, I learned new things and begin considering what I didn't
imagined before, like for one thing coming out, of being full time, and specially taking hormones or even surgery.

I understand that I might be a mix of Bi, Cd, Tg, or even Gay with some extravagant desires. But of all those feelings, if I ask my self what I want more, I think that It would make me the happiest, would be to live my life a a woman, and that is how I come to the conclusion that I am transgender.
Don't get me wrong, is not like I think I know it all, I don't think that in issues like this involving Gender identity and all of that, nothing can be a 100% certain.
I bet I would have my doubts if I wanted to go forward with it. But I truly feel that at my mid 40's I found what I really am, and all those years of confusion are getting clearer.
I wish I found this out earlier in my life.

As to the coming out situation, I knowwww! it will change my life for ever, people will see me different , I would have to socialize differently, among other complicated things, the scary part is that I am in the border line where I am just about to tell, and therefore reach a point of no return.
With my wife, is not a matter of spending time with her deseed up, is more about being honest to her, and hones to my self, but I know that most people in my circle and beyond, will have a conflict with it, and I am conscious of the consequences.

The thing is that the percentage of willing to do it is increasing by the minute lately.

Hugs,

Paola.