Feeling Very Low and Confused

[SaraSmile]

One half of me is fighting, with every ounce of my being, to not be here, to not be in this forum, to not be thinking about these issues. I wake up in the morning, imploring myself to stay focused on my real world ... being a good husband, being a good dad, running my business. I talk to myself, usually in my car, to stay focused and productive at work (really from all distractions, but this is clearly #1 at the moment). I sit down at my desk with the best of intentions and then ... I am back on the internet, looking at hair removal options, looking at clothing and CD accessories, reading in this forum. I have a dozen journal entries (Day One), telling myself that this is not rational, at all, and that I am a failure and a coward for "giving in."

The other half of me is compassionate and hopeful that there is a happy outcome to this. During this same period of time, my wife and I have had the best time ... just very close, great talks (not about this), snuck in a long weekend getaway for two, had an hour long coffee this afternoon together at Starbucks. She has been supportive of my interest in ridding myself of some body hair (advocate for the laser removal of my back hair, okay with the shaving of my chest, actually suggested that I try shaving my legs last night ... which left me with near stunned and excited silence, but a muttering of "maybe" ... and then contacting a spa today about waxing my legs entirely!

I have no idea what I am doing ...

I do not see myself, ever being in "full presentation" mode ... I do not see myself "getting over it" ... I have no idea what I want. But I feel like I have to do SOMETHING, find some resolution to this mental morass, before I destroy my family, my business, and myself. I feel like I have swam out way too far into deep waters, and I am struggling to stay afloat at the moment.

It seems like many here in are committed and comfortable and accepting of this part of themselves. Is there anyone battling these same issues? Are you fighting to "squash" and kill this interest (or at least the practice of it) or are you fighting to achieve self-acceptance?

[PaulaQ]

You'd best work on acceptance. You won't kill these feelings. I'm sorry to tell you that.

[Kandi Robbins]

Sara,

You are not alone. I have been exactly where you are. I, too, am from Ohio, and if you are anywhere near Cleveland, send me a PM as I would love to talk.

I went through all of this until I had enough a few months back. I admitted to myself that I was a crossdresser, embraced it, told my wife, stopped drinking, lost weight, shaved, waxed and lasered all the considerable hair on my body and have never been happier.

I sit here typing this the night before my very first day out fully presenting, trying desperately to type with a full set of glue on nails (as my wife laughed at me, in a very good and sweet way). You absolutely have to accept this (it won't go away), and love yourself. After that, see where things go. I can honestly say, I am a so much better man for facing the female side of me. I have transformed, not as a woman, but as a much better man.

If you need to talk, I'd love to help!

BTW, love the Hall & Oates name you have chosen.

Kandi

[SaraSmile]

Quick follow-up and details, other examples ...

* I had a business meeting yesterday afternoon. On the way back to my office, I stopped into Payless to check the sizing and price on heels and boots.
* I have filled an online shopping cart at Janet's Closet with a half dozen items, only to not do anything.
* I am accessing this website with my assistant here in the office, walking in on occasion.
* I still have a pair of women's panties, sitting very "findable" in my underwear drawer ... My wife does the laundry.
* This morning, while making lunches, I inexplicably wore my "running pants" (basically women's Rebok tights) in the morning ... My wife asked me if I was going for a run, I said no.
* I ran a search of wig suppliers in my area and drove passed on over the weekend.
* I traded emails with a "transformation service" in a nearby town
* I am ignoring clients, doing subpar work, and extending deadlines, because I am mentally not able to focus.

I have thought about just going to get some professional counseling, and maybe that is the answer, but that would probably be as shocking to my wife as my CD interest as, on the surface, no one would guess that this battle is raging inside of me.

[MsLana]

After reading your post it brought back a lot of memories for me. All I can say to you is be patient , don't do anything stupid. YOU are a Daddy to some kids from what I read...babies come first!!! always!!...the wifes and your acceptance and /or tolerance would be my first goal...it takes patience and time ......I'm sure there's a lot of others on here who are better than me at giving advice on this...I just know what you are feeling...it's tough....

[Kandi Robbins]

* I have filled an online shopping cart at Janet's Closet with a half dozen items, only to not do anything.

Actually going there tomorrow for a transformation. Look, if you really deep down believe your wife loves you, she will accept you. It's all in how you tell her. I speak from experience, married for almost 30 years before I had the stones to tell my wife. Best decision of my life. Either way your wife reacts, it's best to be honest, then at least you know.

[mykell]

sara,
ive achieved self acceptance and then some since joining, accept your self first, then you can work on the other priorities in your life.
i would shield myself better if i were you as to not unintentionally intentionally out myself, i have countless times putting things into online carts and not following through and searching for items is common....you need to have focus on your business though....

its comfortable here to share and learn about yourself.... many here balance family, business, and personal concerns with moderation and acceptance of the bizarre and maligned lifestyle we crave.

their may always be doubts but support is a keyboard click away.....when here i feel normal....you should too....
participate, learn, and take advantage of this resource...the pieces will fall into place eventually, make your decisions from advise learned by others before you....take a breath, slow down and carry on....

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Sara, Crossdressing is like the Mafia, You just can't quit it.

[Jenniferathome]

Quick follow-up and details, other examples ...

* I had a business meeting yesterday afternoon. On the way back to my office, I stopped into Payless to check the sizing and price on heels and boots.
* I have filled an online shopping cart at Janet's Closet with a half dozen items, only to not do anything.
* I am accessing this website with my assistant here in the office, walking in on occasion.
* I still have a pair of women's panties, sitting very "findable" in my underwear drawer ... My wife does the laundry.
* This morning, while making lunches, I inexplicably wore my "running pants" (basically women's Rebok tights) in the morning ... My wife asked me if I was going for a run, I said no.
* I ran a search of wig suppliers in my area and drove passed on over the weekend.
* I traded emails with a "transformation service" in a nearby town
* I am ignoring clients, doing subpar work, and extending deadlines, because I am mentally not able to focus.

I have thought about just going to get some professional counseling, and maybe that is the answer, but that would probably be as shocking to my wife as my CD interest as, on the surface, no one would guess that this battle is raging inside of me.

Sara, priorities are just that. You make them and you stick to them. Family, work, life obligations come first. There is time for cross dressing. Make that time available after all your other life obligations.

Now, is it possible your internal battle is raging because you think you can not tell your wife? Before I came out to my wife, I felt like I was in a pressure cooker and I was ready to blow. It was tell her or leave her. I told her.

[Alice Torn]

Sara, Though never married, I can relate to the struggle within. A very few of us struggle with religious issues, family of origin, society, work, and other deep issues. Conflict.

[Seana Summer]

For me the answer was to explore and find peace with the fact that I like to Crossdress. Once I accepted it, it was much easier to focus on day to day life as needed. Getting this settled in your own mind is important in my opnion. Like most of us, you will probably not quit, but you might, and that is up to you.

[Rachelakld]

Sara,
Fun isn't it?
Spending all that time and energy on putting up the good fight of "normality".
Sure some days are good, some days are really depressing, but would Superdad give in?

Or you could give in, relax, go with the flow as see where the journey takes you.

As for me, I relaxed, still the best dad in the world, still the best husband in the world, still a dammed hard worker, and sometimes I get dressed up and have lots of fun.

[Erika Lyne]

Sara,

These ladies are right. It will not go away. I've known that I was different since I was about 4-5 years old. I only figured it out as I was going through puberty. My wife has been with me for nearly 29 years and has known about my need to dress since I was 15. She has seen my emotional struggles and she has witnessed me try to unsuccessfully purge myself of this. If I was able to suppress it, it was only temporary and when Erika came back it was in a fire storm. Sorry Hun, it is here to stay.

As far as being a husband. Your wife has said her vows to you. Only you know her. Only you will be able to tell if she may or may not accept any part of you as Sara. She may be your (as Sara) best Girl Friend, she may be a supportive/non-participating spouse or she may be combative and object completely. It is a huge risk but your wife may be your biggest asset. She may help you dedicate a time and place to fulfill this need so that you do not jeopardize other aspects of your life.

That doesn't make you a bad father. Thankfully, my wife is tolerant and with her permission I came out to our girls around X-Mas '13. They have been amazingly understanding. They don't get the ins-&-outs but they know that I am there for them no matter how I present. They still call me, "Dad," by their choice. On the first day that I came out to our youngest, she asked for help assembling a school project after I was dressed. It was if I was still in male attire.

As a business owner, you need to be able to dedicate the time to your business. I do not work for myself but my job is very demanding of my full attention. I leave Erika packed away until there is a time to dedicate to being true to that side. I always say to coworkers who ask how I can just turn on and off my emotional/family side that "think of your customer." The customer is not concerned if you are having personal issues. They are concerned with their "personal issue" and that issue is the dead line that is set, contract you signed. Set aside personal time for your personal issues-- delegate a time for Sara.

If your wife is supportive but prohibits you from coming out to the kids or dressing at home, maybe you can go on a "business trip" for Sara. Many crossdressers go to a local hotel just to dress for the night. It may be enough, it may not. It may help you dedicate your time to your business and delicate your times to your needs to identify where Sara fits in your life. No matter what choices you make:
1) Sara will not go away, like the lamp you rubbed--the Genie is out.
2) Your spouse may be your best chance. Only you know her.
3) You need your business to stay on track. Think of the busiest manager skill you have. You need to delegate responsibilities and time to each person's duties. Sara has the highest duty to not interfere with the business.

Best of luck and let us know where Sara leads you and you lead her.

-E

PS: The "findable" panties might not be the smartest thing. If your wife is like most, she will jump to the conclusion that they are "another woman's" & not that the other woman is part of you. Be very careful with this scenario.

[SaraSmile]

Wow ... really. I posted less than two hours ago, and it feels like a platoon came to my aid in a moments notice. Thank you so much.

I just took my wife to dinner, still nothing about this, but just great talks about broad issues. Our older two are in college, younger one entering high school, and we are finding more time for each other and it has been like dating. And thinking about that and the comments here, that is perhaps at the heart of this angst ... I cannot keep a secret from my wife, and I do not want to keep this one either. What complicates my situation is that I am a jumbled mess on crossdressing itself, and cannot really articulate where I want this to go. In the meantime, it is indeed a daily battle for normalcy.

Have to run ... More later.

[brit_cd]

It took me about 20+ years to realize it wont go away. I used to collect clothes and dress when i could, then purge(toss it all). Then once it was gone i was more miserable than before cause i now lost all my stuff. After a few times doing that i decided i was not a weirdo(thanks to online forums and stuff). So i do not purge my stuff anymore. It has been a great help to chat and read stuff online. I went from feeling like the only crossdresser in the world to almost normal(kinda). I now know there are alot of others like me and that helps some.
I too find myself cruising online forums and stuff when i need to be doing other stuff. I just make sure i get my daily stuff done and dress when i can. Nobody knows i dress and i am not brave enough to tell my wife. I hope to some day but i have little kids and i would not want her to leave me and lose them. So most likely i will lead a double life for at least another 15 years or so.
I think if you make some friends online and are able to chat freely about yourself now and then it will help you.
Good luck

[Caden Lane]

Sara,

First I will reiterate what's been said before; take steps to prevent outing yourself before you are fully ready. You are not, you do not even understand who you are at this moment. How can you possibly answer your wife's inevitable questions about what this is or where it will go if YOU do not know?

Now for the core of my message to you. I know you are adverse to seeking out a therapist or psychologist, but it is by far the safest, most rational way to figure "you" out. It will give you perspective, an outlet, someone to tell and confide in. You need all of that right now. But you also need the weight that is behind the advice of a qualified professional. And you do need their advice. You need help in bringing this aspect of your life into balance.

But you also need understanding on your part. You need to understand and accept this won't go away. It is not a mental or physical illness. It's just rooted deep inside you. It's part of who you are. And it's not a bad thing. Often, the things we do with it are bad. Sort of like setting ourselves up for disaster by leaving things where an unsuspecting spouse may find them. We understand were that comes from; desperation. You lack the words to tell her. So you hope to reveal it by accident. Would you want to discover something very surprising about your wife by accident?

If you seek out a psychologist, and I sincerely hope you do; simply tell your wife you aren't dealing with stress from work very well. Which is true. I know you don't want to lie to her. Nobody should want to. But first and foremost you have to protect your family; in this case it is simply from what you do not understand about yourself. And once understanding and self acceptance is fulfilled, then, with the help and guidance of your psychologist, you may find a safer more rational way to reveal to your wife. Because if she finds those panties, could with this new desire to take care of grooming, her first instinct will be it's an affair. But ease take steps to protect you and your family.

One last bit of advice; it's about perspective. Deep in your mind, you view your dressing as a secret. Maybe to you it's a deep dark secret, but it is a secret nonetheless. Unfortunately, secrets often come with negative connotations. We then fall into a mental trap of sorts for simply how we view what we do internally. So try to view your dressing as a positive private matter. A private matter that is only revealed to those worthy enough to know and understand, when the time is right.
Like I said earlier to another girl; if you keep bumping around in that pink fog, you are gonna do more than stub your toe.

Ever & Always,
Caden Lane

[AccidentalDresser]

Sara. It honestly sounds to me like more than just the dressing. Sounds as though you are under stress from all sides and your looking for a release.

You could seek out some professional counciling and tell your wife your not doing as well at work as you would like, under a lot of pressure and you just need to talk to a professional.
Then let the professional lead you as to how you should approach the rest of the issues of family and self acceptance.
Don't just bury your feelings and act like nothing is wrong cause that never works for anyone.

Telling your wife you plan to see a therapist has to be far easier than telling her you want to dress as a woman.

I really hope things start to fall in to place for you soon. Perhaps a week or two off work would help too. One less thing to think about anyway

[Marcelle]

I really can't add much which has not already been said so all I can do is give you my opinion from my own perspective. I read your intro again and note that you have tried on your wife's clothing, undies and have had occasion to dress (limited) in the past. I truly believe you are at the same juncture I was in about a year ago when the need to dress is so compelling that it is causing emotional strife in your life. This is not a good place to be as we tend to do things we would not normally do such as "dressing in your wife's clothing when she is in the next room hoping in a way to get caught" (your intro comments). Emotional strife also reduces our focus and can lead to depression and spill over into our relationships in other ways (anger, resentment, hostility, lethargy, apathy) again not a good place to be.

From what I read, your emotional strife is linked to your internal strife with accepting who you are (it was the same for me). I fought this tooth and nail when it dawned on me that I wanted to wear women's clothing because it seemed weird, perverted, odd and a whole host of words to describe my thoughts at the time. Now emotionally I just I gave up and had nowhere to go but tell my wife as I had entered a very dark place in my life emotionally. From there I went into therapy with a gender identity therapist to determine if: (1) I was weird - I was not; (2) I was perverted - I was not; (3) I wanted to be a woman full time - I did not. In the end, therapy brought order to chaos and allowed me to examine this in a safe and knowledgeable environment and I finally reached self-acceptance. Isha is part of me and while I may be a bit further down the TG spectrum than just cross dressing (I spend about 40% of my time female) I am still a good man, a good husband and I am still a good person. Balance has been achieved.

Now in your instance, your wife does not know and as others have said, should you decide to share this with her well it is going to go only two ways: (1) Acceptance on same level; or (2) dissolution of the relationship. Once the bell is rung you cannot silence it. My recommendation would be to seek out a bit of counselling with a gender identity therapist first to get a bit of clarity on what you need to get out of this. It may be that you can get by with dressing once in awhile in private, stress/angst relief, put it away then go back to being a husband until the next time (all in private). As such, what is gained by telling your wife if you believe she will not accept it. However, if you want more, public outings, dressing longer, dressing fully and so forth and not do so will cause emotional distress to the point of your well being . . . then perhaps it is time for the talk.

My final recommendation . . . don't jump to one bit advice too soon. Take everything offered here and think about it, apply it to you life, think about all the ramifications of all decisions and you will find what the right choice is. Remember, we can only guide you based on our own experience and that may not be the same situation as yours. Good luck and remember we are here to support you.

Hugs

Isha

[donnalee]

Generally, the search for acceptance from others cannot begin until you learn to accept yourself. It's the most difficult thing we have to do. Keep telling yourself that you are a good person, and whatever has gone into making you that, dressing is part of it. That it's an integral part of who and what you are and that there's nothing wrong with you, morally or otherwise.

[kimdl93]

Follow through on a few concessions to your cd side, like the laser hair removal. Shave your legs. And relax. This isn't a crime and with your wife's support you can achieve a balance.

[Gocaps14]

You have described me perfectly, I went as far as to listening to Alpha Male subliminal on YouTube, and here I am with you. What I am learning is that these feelings or thoughts are never going to go away, even though sometimes I wish they would. So I am in the process of sorting out how I am going to feel comfortable with myself and the life I am living. What I do know is that I am responsible for my own happiness.

[Gillian Gigs]

"Generally, the search for acceptance from others cannot begin until you learn to accept yourself." This is the first step, and it is a journey toward a destination which will take time. All people have quirks, it is just so sad that sexual quirks seem to be more ackward in our culture. Never the less CDing is this quirk that we (CD'ers) have and it doesn't hinder us from being productive members of our community. If your productivity is suffering it has everything to do with your inner turmoil which brings us back to; accepting what we can't change, changing the things that we can, and having the wisdom to know the difference. Good luck on your journey.

[CarlaWestin]

You need to grow up. The self loathing in your post was suffocating. You have your own business that is, evidently, successful. A family. And an accepting (W)ife. There seems to be a gravitation towards femulation when it's forbidden and a repulsion when it's being supported. I think you have a misinterpreted sense of maleness just as you have misinterpreted your personal femininity. And you feel that your crossdressing is a convenient flaw to blame things on. Once you get the priorities dialed in you'll find that you have a much broader spectrum of enrichment in your life. And appreciating that special feminine side is like dessert.

[Caden Lane]

Mikhaela, My post was in reference to the OPs post about having some panties in a very findable place. I referenced the affair aspect because that would more than likely be her wifes first jump as far as conclusions go. I've no knowledge about your past in this area, and I do apologize if you felt I was targeting you. I was simply speaking to the OPs situation and what she has said thus far. I wish you both and your spouses well in all of this. My desire is to uplift and support sisters, and inspire them to venture out. But I wish to never tear them down.

Ever & Always,
Caden Lane

[Karolyn]

It sounds like having a consultation with a gender therapist might help you a lot. They are not just to help people transition, they are just here to help people being comfortable with their gender identity. By discussing with you, the therapist would be able to find what parts of your male and female sides are really driving your personality, and will give you a lot of advices on how to interact with people around you, including your wife.

I have had one visit last week, and the confidence boost I got out of it was really impressive. I am going to see her again Tuesday.

Something is for sure, your feminine side will never go away, so you will have to learn to accept it first, and find a balance between each side. Good luck!