Feeling Very Low and Confused

[AnnieMac]

Nice to read threads from Ohio girlfriends. I'll be happy to talk you down off the ledge, Sara, if you are ever down or overwhelmed with it all. PM me any time - Annie.

[alyssamc]

I have spent my entire life, from teenager to now trying to suppress this part of me and as of this week, I raised the white flag. I have had dark periods and it always comes back to this, to dress or not to dress and in truth, I am happiest when I give in to dressing. Btw I am over 50.

[TxCassie]

Dear Sara, I know you are under a tremendous level of stress. Please know you are not alone. Many of us are at the exactly same point. There are no quick easy answers. I am gay, never married, so I cannot give you any expert advice but only that eventually, I feel, transparency will prevail. I do think professional help with someone who specializes in gender issues will help. Like many said, the first thing will be for you to accept yourself before you can go forward. Right now, I think your feminine side is emerging at a rate you are not prepared to handle. It's like when molasses is spilt and slowing spreading all over the counter. Until you have the tools to take charge, the spillage will grow consuming all in its path. Once you grab the bottle, turn it up right, grab a paper towel, maybe even a sponge, and block the spillage and then begin to sop up the spill is when things are put back into order. The molasses still is there, it still can spill over again, but now, with you in charge, you can decide how fast, the frequency, and control the rate of which the molasses is poured.

Being a crossdresser is awesome. It speaks to a very real part of your personality. The feelings and desires will never go away and now that they are realized, and you are aware of them, dealing/accepting/incorporating them into your life is really the only acceptable way to proceed. Suppression is the only alternative and I think you already know what happens in that scenario.
It's scary, I know. Where will it lead? What does it mean? What will it do to my marriage? My kids? All very legitimate and valid questions. The answers don't have to come all at once. Take it slow, one step at a time. For you will have to know yourself so much more than you do now to answer those questions and some of those questions will need to be answered in partnership with your wife.

I feel once you get a better handle of what this all means to you and your wife. All the "out of control' behavior like the constant obsessing, the out of control desire to dress, the going to the edge and not doing anything, all of that will subside.

It takes time dear, work, trust, bravery, courage, strength...

Remember we are here to let off steam, ask questions, or just have fun.

Good Luck Dear.

Cassie

[Amanda M]

Sara - most of us on here,I suspect, happy and settled about where we are on the gender spectrum. Many of us struggle to understand why we are the way we are, how can we integrate this into the real world, and especially, if we are in a relationship, how can we integrate our crossdressing needs into that relationship.

Right now it seems, you are in a place where you do not know where to turn. You cannot see the wood for the trees. Now, there has been a fantastic amount of good advice for you already on this thread, but I believe that you need some professional help here.

I recommend to you a course of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It is a form of therapy that addresses problems in a direct and targeted way and is brief compared with most other therapies.
CBT is based on the fact that what we think in any given situation generates beliefs about, and reactions to that situation, and also cause the behaviour and feelings which flow from those beliefs and reactions.
These ‘automatic thoughts’ are so fast that generally, we are unaware that we have even had them. We call them ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) for short.
If the pattern of thinking we use, or our beliefs about our situation are even slightly distorted, the resulting emotions and actions that flow from them can be extremely negative and unhelpful. The object of CBT is to identify these ‘automatic thoughts’ then to re-adjust our thoughts and beliefs so that they are entirely realistic and correspond to the realities of our lives, and that therefore, the resulting emotions, feelings and actions we have will be more useful and helpful.
Cognitive therapists do not usually interpret or seek for unconscious motivations but bring cognitions and beliefs into the current focus of attention and through guided discovery encourage clients to gently re-evaluate their thinking.
Therapy is not seen as something “done to” the client. CBT is not about trying to prove a client wrong and the therapist right, or getting into unhelpful debates. Through collaboration, questioning and re-evaluating their views, clients come to see for themselves that there are alternatives and that they can change.
Clients try things out in between therapy sessions, putting what has been learned into practice, learning how therapy translates into real life improvement.
Please visit this website for much more detailed information on CBT:
http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealt...ments/cbt.aspx
If you cannot afford to see a therapist, there are good free CBT based self-help resources here:
http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/cbtstep1.htm

[CD_Princess1234]

Sara:
There are plenty of us here in Ohio that you can reach out to and we are here to listen and support you. If I can help please reach out

[Amy Fakley]

Sara,

A few years ago, I was in a similar place ... the inexplicable drive to express my femininity was overwhelming, disorganized, and constantly urgent. It led to a lot of the behaviors you're describing. I'd manage to put it out of my mind, I'd be humming along at work, then without warning the feelings would come rushing in all at once and just flatten me. Next thing you know I'd be off in a google-fueled la-la land, looking at dresses, watching makeup videos, reading this and other forums ... and feeling very guilty about that lack of focus ... and of course about all of it ... really ... just feeling guilty about being me.

From your description so far, it sounds to me like you have yet to reach that point where you've at least figured out what your cross-gender expression means to you, and to make peace with that. I would make that a priority. One thing that might help in this regard is to make a space and time to "let your girl out".

I'm not advocating sneaking around and lying to your wife and stuff. That's never good, but what I am suggesting is that you make a planned time to indulge your feminine needs. It helps when you start to lose focus to be able to be like "ok, well I've got all next weekend for that, but right now I have other things to do". It helps, to know when your next time will be, and to make a space in your life for yourself (no mater how small)

[Isabella Ross]

The first person that responded was PaulaQ...and she had the best, most succinct advice. The only thing I could add is that time fixes all...in this case, only time will help you find the balance. But just for emphasis, I would echo Paula and say that your attempts to suppress this will bite you badly.

[Katey888]

Sara - first of all sorry that you've been feeling like this... and please DON'T feel isolated or alone in this - many of us have had these feelings, and I think very many when they first find this forum and start to absorb a lot of the success stories here... I believe it can apply a subtle and insistent pressure for folk to 'raise their game' as well as simply revealing all the possibilities of more open expression, but the the negative stories are downplayed a little (no-one wants to be negative, right? ) so I think some caution is needed on your part...

There are many ways to get through this. I've had a lot of success with partitioning: having the mental discipline to keep focused on 'real world' issues versus 'fantasy world' opportunities (that's not intended to be derogatory - I just think for many of us this is a form of fantasy escapism - nothing wrong with that...). The feelings are not likely to depart but they may grow and/or and subside in strength - you need to find a strategy for managing them to a degree that's right for you - I'd suggest taking a fair bit of time to understand what this really means for you. How much do you need to do this? How far do you want to go? Does it make sense to try extending what you do before revealing all to your family? Questions that possibly some professional counselling could help with too - so please consider that as an option...

Here's the cautionary part for you - you said in your intro that you desperately want to tell your wife and that she would be supportive. Others would encourage you to do this but there are no guarantees this will end positively for both or either of you. Some of us do make a choice to keep the secret and bear the responsibility of that choice - my view is that it is possible to do this, and although it is a compromise course it can work for some of us... the other options are more radical and seem more binary. Early acceptance doesn't always lead to long-term support, but extreme intolerance can mean immediate dissolution of the relationship... please take care with this...

You sound like a good person and the fact you are thinking of these things shows that you do take responsibility for your actions - simply, you need to get a firm hold on this side of you and treat it as you would any other aspect of your life: it shouldn't overwhelm everything else - but accept that it does seem to be a significant part of you that needs to be managed, rather than 'it' controlling you...

Good luck!

Katey x

[pamela7]

Sara,

I am also going through not knowing where this is going, and I advocates NOT having any therapy. My perspective is that for many of us, the man has to allow his "anima" through, in order to complete as a human being. It's a natural process perhaps all men ought to go through to properly mature. We dont know where it goes, without social constraints we are more than simple m-f couples, and not being used to female experience in male body is disconcerting.

I don't think you can postpone for long speaking with your wife. Having just taken that plunge myself, I am so relieved it was okay. The thing is to re-assure her that you're all-man, and increase the attention you give her, and even renewed sexual enthusiasm, she needs to know you love her and that you're not going to disappear with another man.

well, that's just my perspective. I empathise and wish you well

xxx

PS ... I totally agree with Katey ... the dangers of revelation cannot be underestimated.

[MsVal]

Dear Sara,

Please take a deep breath and exhale slowly. You're going to be okay.

These feelings you are having are normal. You are not perverted, disgusting, or any other negative adjective. The feelings only seem that way because years of conditioning make you think that they are.

There in five sentences is the substance of my first month's therapy - a little less than a year ago. Of course there was a great deal of detail supporting each sentence. I am thankful for the help that I get from my therapist and encourage you to find one. You may need the help, as the journey you are on is probably very difficult, regardless which road you take. It is important to realize that this is far from trivial.

- Even if you manage to push it back into the dark corners of your mind, there will be ill effects. They could manifest in depression, anxiety, and distance from and resentment for your wife. She may misinterpret these signs as marital trouble and react accordingly.

- If you disclose your crossdressing you place the burden of your secret, your shame, on her. That's hardly fair for someone you love. It WILL change your relationship in ways that I cannot forecast. Others have eloquently stated some of the potential ways it could be changed.

- If you crossdress in private you may have the best of both worlds. You can relieve some of the tension by simply looking forward to a dress-up event. The event itself can be quite enjoyable. All the while, maintaining your family and professional life.

- The risk of keeping it a secret from your wife is the unintended, unexpected, unprepared discovery of your crossdressing. There are few things worse than a wife finding woman's underwear while the husband is away. The crossdressing disclosure will be minor in relation to the loss of truthfulness and trust.


It would appear that I endorse crossdressing in private. I do not. I feel that the risk of discovery outweighs the reward. I actually believe in an early and full disclosure. As others have said, though, you don't seem to be ready for that. Perhaps with the guidance of a therapist, but that's entirely your call.


As I said in your introduction "The collective wisdom herein is not only immense, it is nearly all acquired through first hand experience".

Best wishes
MsVal

[vicky_cd99_2]

Sara, Girl I am here to tell you it never goes away. I am sitting here completely smooth from the neck down, with full facial hair. I struggle daily balancing my life and my wife knows and accepts me. My problem is not her it is me. I know who I am and what I am but the two parts of me still fight. It is an ongoing struggle for me. Good luck with what ever way you decide to go.

[SaraSmile]

This morning, I woke up early. It was brisk, maybe high-20’s, but the skies were generally clear. I laced up my running shoes, grabbed my iPod, and hit the road. The cold air filled my lungs and made my eyes water. I kept a slow and steady pace, replaying the last few weeks in my mind, just thinking things through and considering the good advice, support and encouragement here. Came home, made a big breakfast for everyone, had coffee with my wife at Starbucks. I am in a much better place today ... thank you all.

What I have concluded is that my problem is not crossdressing. I have always had this interest, and likely, I suspect I always will. I cannot change that. Rather, my problem is that I have allow this to upset my priorities and responsibilities. I definitely have very OCD tendencies ... I joke that it is my superpower, which I try to use for good. I think I felt (and still feel) a certain euphoria, learning that it is possible to be a happily married, heterosexual male who enjoys CD ... that never occurred to my guilt-ridden mind until I found this website.

And perhaps the best advice here is to get my priorities straight, “grow up,” and stop allowing this (or anything else) to interfere with these important roles and responsibilities. Obviously, easier said than done, but I am back at work today, on a Sunday, to start that process anew.

In terms of talking to my wife about this, I am going to take more time and really try to understand what I want, before including her. And until I am ready to be open with my wife, I am not going pursue any CD interest further ... no shaving, no waxing, no dressing, no surfing. In my particular case, it simply bothers me too much to have any part of my life in which my wife is not involved and does not know about. She married all of me, I am certain she loves all of me, and she is also entitled to all of me, whatever that is. Going forward, I am only interested in a path that both of us can walk, together and at the same time. I am going to lead with honesty, and when I am ready to be honest, I will be ready to pursue this further.

Thanks again for all of the advice and support. This is a pretty amazing online community.

[rah]

A lot of men these days shave there body hair even there legs. Just like men who doesn't like hair on women's body I guess there are women who doesn't like hair on men.
If u want to get away from crossdressing u need to occupy your brain. Stay outdoors go clubbing to massage parlour enjoy life with your family and friends. Don't over think & Do whatever you want man!
You only live once

[Cheryl T]

Realize that all that you are makes the total you.
Once you accept that this is part of you and, as so many of us can attest to, does not go away then you can begin to put the total you together.
Once I did I found that my wife and I became so very much closer. We talk about everything and I don't shy away from those topics that might make it seem that I am too interested in female things.

[victoria76]

This is indeed a great community! I felt similar to you in your initial post in the past but I have come to peace with it and it doesn't bother me anymore at all!
This community has been a great help in getting there!
Hang in there, it gets easier!

[bimini1]

Been exactly where you are. Try not to let it dominate you, control you. Easier said than done I know. The fact that you are not alone and others have gone thru this does not necessarily make you feel any less alone. You may need some professional help to get a handle on things. A lot of us need some he from somewhere at least at some point. It can give you some much needed perspective. Try to slow down. You can deal with it positively. Only you can decide the answers will come from within you not outside you. It can be a burden you can turn into an asset.

From your last post it sounds like you already are in good thought process about it all.