A great start to a very big week

[Karen62]

This coming week will be a big milestone for me. I have my first counseling session with a GD-specialized therapist on Monday afternoon. I found this therapist by searching the web for therapists who specialize in transsexual issues, and this therapist stood out for me for a number of reasons, including the number of years of serving the local trans community with specialized care. I also took my regular doctor's advice this week and scheduled an appointment for Tuesday with a doctor in the same clinic system, although at a different branch, who has solid experience with specific trans health care issues, including HRT and other relevant practices. My doc said she's willing to "share me" with the other doctor! I feel as if I am FINALLY going to get moving on working through the issues I've denied and repressed with shame for so long.

Today was a great start to this week, as I had my first heart-to-heart phone call with a sister member I met through this forum. She has become a good friend (I have several already!), and it was a big deal for me to talk about this. The concept of planning to talk (as in therapy) versus breaking through the emotional resistance of actually doing it is surprisingly big. But just before we had planned to speak on the phone, I had to stop by the UPS Store to drop off some shoes I bought at Zappos that didn't fit (I bought the same pair in 2 sizes and was sending back the pair that were too big). As I stood in line, thinking about the big week to come, and getting impatient to get done so I could talk to my dear friend, I heard someone come in the store behind me. I didn't look initially, but then I heard this booming voice, feminine in nature, but strong and somewhat masculine in register. I turned around to see a woman, standing perhaps 6' 4" tall, big shouldered, and smiling at me. She was pretty, wore her own hair, casual clothes (jeans and a peasant blouse style top), but what I really noted was that she was clearly comfortable in her own skin. I believe her to be a trans woman rather than CD, and I gave her a huge smile in return, and she smiled even bigger and winked at me. I was overjoyed to see her. I don't recall seeing her before, but she clearly knew the workers in the store, so she must be somewhat local, as that's who she was addressing when she came in the door. I decided to not speak to her if only because I needed to go and get ready for that important phone call, but next time I will definitely strike up a casual conversation. I also wouldn't go up to a woman and assume I could be sure she was trans or CD or a GG, or if they were comfortable in being identified if not GG. But a friendly Hello never hurts, right?

For what it's worth, I see her walking into the store with me there and our exchanging such a confident smile as a positive omen for me (or at least a validating coincidence). I so look forward to being out and about as natural me, presenting as Karen, and being so comfortable about it. How inspiring was that? Wonderful start for a big week to come.

Just wanted to share a moment.

Karen

[Rachel Smith]

Glad you are getting off to a good start and moving in a direction you desire.

[Leah Lynn]

She could be a great friend and ally you haven't met, yet. Nothing ventured; nothing gained!

Hugs,

Leah

[KellyJameson]

In therapy there is a danger from wanting to control the therapist by the narrative we use. It is the story we share in the hopes of receiving the confirmation we desire.

I approached therapy as wanting the therapist to protect me from myself because I knew that I was dangerous to myself from desperately wanting someone to "make me normal and tell me I'm normal"

This came out of my childhood from feeling "different" from the "boys" which started around three years old and increased in intensity with every passing year.

It also came out of being shamed,punished and bullied for these differences.

In childhood I went into hiding doing everything I could to hide these differences and "be a boy" to protect myself from violence while adopting the belief that I must be broken somehow because I could not "be like them and did not want to be" no matter how hard I tried or tried to force myself to want to be. This is that time of trying to contort yourself into what you are not.

These differences and the sense I was different from boys also built a powerful identification with girls and women whose power as "identifying with" also increased with every passing year.

This translated into my relations with men and women where it was very easy to be with women "as a woman" and with men 'as a woman" but never "as a man". I am not talking about sex but that way of relating to men and women in friendship "as a woman" long before transitioning or identifying as such.

The only friendships I could have were with those who were "gender blind" as to the expectations they "imposed on me" because of gender. Anyone who brought these expectations to the friendship I instinctively avoided. Any friendships with boys in my childhood and teenage years were with boys who were very easy going. I was drawn to the "nice guy" but would watch the "bad boys" with interest. Not as wanting to be one of them but because they were so far removed from me that they caught my attention.

I knew they had something I was born without even more than the "nice guys" I had as friends. I also made sure that my male friends were always one or two years younger than me because the age difference made it "safe" having them as friends.

There are many methods of adaptation that a trans child will attempt to find and use in childhood to survive from knowing that they are "different"

Look for these and even though it may be painful from the shame you will feel share them with your therapist.

Try not to "make yourself a woman" in your therapist eyes but instead approach it as an act of self discovery to find out what you will discover when you peal back all the layers that you have built up to protect yourself and find the courage to tear down the unnatural walls that society and your own personal environment have built up in your mind.

Do not build a narrative out of the fantasy of being a woman or the hopes of someone in authority saying what you feel and want is "normal" so you are "normal" but instead find the story that has always been there.

To find your authentic self you must go to a place beyond fear and wants.

You cannot find yourself by wanting to be a woman or fearing that you are because both will hide the truth from you.

You must come from a very neutral place.

[Karen62]

Kelly, you're right as usual. Since flipping the mental switch at the end of December to finally end my denial and repression of my ever-growing TG feelings, when I first scheduled the therapy appointment, this was my original goal. But as the life-long, internal repression was lifted, the meteoric rise of my feminine feelings has all but overwhelmed me, torn me apart in ways I had never experienced before. Perhaps it was in anticipation of what could come, the potential for drastic lifestyle changes (versus going back to living in the shadows), changes that would be both emotionally difficult and incredibly sweet, mixed with a dread of making the wrong decision, so I began searching for my own answers BEFORE talking with the therapist, and I admit I have emotionally strayed from my initial vow to be neutral with this. But you are right. I need to go into therapy to learn about my own truth from someone who has experience in dealing with these issues. I have no such experience, and I surely cannot see the forest for the trees around me.

Your timing is perfect. I have reset expectations and will go in tomorrow with an open mind and heart, not to seek confirmation of some preordained conclusion of my own, but instead to seek professional guidance on what these feelings I have means to me and what to do about them.

Change leads to the unknown, and the unknown is always a scary thing. I've already faced some big life changes in the last 6 months (I've lost 55 lbs., a potentially severe health diagnosis, and I've finally accepted myself completely, three huge life milestones for me, good and bad). I will not walk away from transition if that is the right thing to do, as I am emotionally prepared for that -- as much as anyone can be when it is still an abstract concept (talk about the great unknowns). But I will not go in asking for validation of something about which I really know so little.

Thanks for the reset, Kelly. A thousand hugs,

Karen

[Suzanne F]

Karen
I can feel your excitement coming through your post. Congratulations on such big steps. I support you in your journey and hope you find your path. I am starting HRT in April and have been working toward this with a therapist for the last 2 years. I have found my voice gradually and there is no doubt I am a woman. That is not to say that somedays I think I must be crazy! But I am so much better since accepting the truth. Congratulations and good luck!
Suzanne

[Karen62]

Despite my recognition that this was going to be a big week, I really had no idea of what was going to happen. All I can say is one doesn’t have weeks like this very often.

Monday: I had my first-ever gender therapy counseling session. I even wore for the first time some feminine clothing outside the house, although it was more androgynous than swishy femme (baby steps). I got a bit emotional BEFORE I left for the appointment, but was more or less OK once there. We mostly talked about my answers on his pre-visit survey form. We talked about where I imagined myself being 6 months and 12 months down the road and what I wanted to have achieved as a goal by then. We talked about where I felt I was on the TG spectrum and how it’s changed over time, especially as of late, and what that means to me. He gave me some informational resources to look into (including a local trans support group that meets weekly). It was a great session, and I will be seeing him weekly now. I am thrilled!

Next, I attended for the first time the Trans Support Group meeting last night mentioned in counseling. It was wonderful. I was a bit shy in the big group (this is a normal response for me in big groups, anyway, and it was a HUGE group!), although I introduced myself to the group just fine. I just didn’t speak up in the public discussion time (just listened and learned), but I did speak at length with many of the women and men around me, though, and it was a warm, welcoming, and totally safe place. Ages ranged from 17 to 72, and the place was packed with energy. I was definitely the new kid on the block (well, at 52, I’m no kid anymore!), but I was no longer alone.

Finally, this morning I went to see my new transgender healthcare doctor. He met with me for 75 wonderful minutes (can you imagine the luxury of that?) and we had a LONG, profound talk. I actually cried at the end (and he hugged me, which made me cry more). It was a great visit. He wants to facilitate this process with me. We also discussed my goals and dreams of what I want to see happen. He had to pull the HRT discussion out of me. He asked why I was not bringing it up, and I said I wanted to be neutral about it, and he said it had to be discussed, so we did – at length. He’s very much aware of WPATH and the SoC, but like my therapist, he’s comfortable with where I stand, my background, emotional stability, judgment, and doesn’t feel the need to wait an arbitrary 90-day period in my case before prescribing an HRT regimen for me. I then told him what I wanted out of HRT (suggesting specifics about meds), that I was aware of the risks, had realistic expectations for the results, and also let him know I have a kidney condition that has to be considered as part of any such program. He wants to get an HRT letter from my therapist (who offered to provide one at the end of Monday’s session) and talk to my nephrologist about the impact of spironolactone and/or finasteride on blood pressure as either an adjunct to or replacement for my current BP meds. I agree with his strategy. I plan to see the doctor again in a week and, if all things come together, I presume things will start then. I can hardly believe it.

So in a week’s time, I’ve been to my first-ever gender identity therapist session, my first-ever trans support group meeting, and had a 75-minute visit with a new doctor who will help me with safely starting HRT and guiding me along this medical transition. While this seems fast in the vacuum of that previous sentence, I’ve actually had decades to learn who I am, experience a significant and accelerating progression in my GD, and with the timing of multiple threads in my life coming together at once (including a recent diagnosis of a serious genetic disease as well as a significant but intentional major weight loss in 2014), I decided to finally end the denial, to stop the self-repression and just live my life for me for as long as I am here to live it. What an incredible time this is in my life.

One last side note: I developed a raw sore throat late yesterday afternoon at work and it was still there this morning. I mentioned it to the doctor this morning first thing but we completely forgot about it (there were other pressing matters to discuss!). As I was walking out of the clinic, I realized I should really have it looked at. I was able to see the RN on duty on the spot, and I was in such an emotional state after talking to the doctor about my feelings, wishes, and concerns for so long and at so much depth that I was babbling at 90 mph! The RN took care of me (despite a slight fever , the rapid strep test came back negative), and most important, she was so sweet and kind to me (when I said I thought it was likely just a viral thing, after the strep test, she came back in the room, touched my shoulder, looked me in the eye and said “Your intuition was right. Remember to trust your intuition.” I almost cried again. She even gave me a big hug at the end of her visit, too. Where does this clinic find all of these incredible people?

Karen

[Rianna Humble]

You are right that this was a big week because it was big on achievements, including your first time out dressed!

Sound like you have found a great clinic with people who are willing to take the time that they need with you - congratulations!

[MonicaJean]

Incredible story Karen! I can't wait to see your beauty unfold as you continue to blossom! You're a beautiful woman starting to spread her wings!!!!

[PaulaQ]

I even wore for the first time some feminine clothing outside the house, although it was more androgynous than swishy femme (baby steps).

Congratulations Karen! those are all huge steps! You have good doctors on your side too, and that is a real blessing. I have met some of the best people among healthcare providers, but I've also experienced the worst prejudice from some of their not so enlightened colleagues. I'm really glad you found good docs!

I did want to say a word about presentation. It will take you a bit to find yourself in terms of how you present as a woman, and that's ok. I present in a very traditionally feminine way - lots of us do - and that's ok. It's also ok if you present in a less traditionally feminine way. I have friends who could be described as "softball lesbians", (at least that's what my boyfriend calls them), and that's ok too. One of the perks of being a woman is we have greater freedom of expression over our appearance. I'd encourage you to explore that over time, and do what feels right to you. Don't panic if it takes you time to figure that out. Also, remember that clothes, makeup, etc. are really just tools for communication. They send a message about who you are and what you are doing. (Unfortunately, messages like that can be ambiguous.)

To some degree, your presentation can be a tool you use for various purposes. (Notice me!) (Don't notice me!) (I'm going somewhere nice!) (I'm just a regular person!) (I'm important!) (I'm looking for a partner!) - there are a lot of possible messages, and how they are received depends on how you present them, and the recipient. You'll figure all of this out, but to me, the first priority you have in messages you send with your presentation is (this is me! This is who I am!). You are trying to live an authentic life, so your overall message should be about honesty and authenticity. People always respond to this. Your secondary concern is to then make sure your choices in various situations send the message YOU want to send. These can be either positive or negative - depends on what you are trying to convey.

Anyway, you'll sort all that out over time. I just wanted to mention this, because the implicit communications in men's clothing is just so much more narrow, at least that's how it seemed to me.

Anyway, as I said - first thing is to be yourself. Don't despair if that takes a while. You've never had the opportunity to do that in your life before.

[charlenesomeone]

Sounds like you have a great support group in all three.
All the best to you.
Hugs

[angpai30]

I have not attended any Therapy sessions for my GID. I probably should. I get to a point where I'm disgusted with the current results and I do something to fix it. I don't care what other people think. Life is a puzzle and the human race is more jagged than any other puzzle out there, more colorful and vibrant, more matte, whatever you can think of its a puzzle piece. To try to put the puzzle of life together is a difficult thing to accomplish without help. I have been doing my transition on my own for 3 years without help and I'm getting so worn down by how things are going, but I have been better of with it as far as my kids go. I do however have to say that I applaud your decision and it has made me decide that Therapy would be a good idea because I'm tired of trying to do everything on my own.

[Karen62]

Two quick anecdotes about the #7 post above. My therapist is in Seattle. I had to drive into the city to see him (I don't live or work in the city). Street parking can be tough there, but I found a place. I was wearing my women's jeans and new clogs with only nude pantyhose covering my ankles (and fully underdressed, but that was concealed). I had on a men's shirt, untucked, as well. This was my first time out "dressed" (if that little bit of semi-androgyny counts as dressed). As I made my way from my car to the therapist's office, I had all of 1 block to walk. Wouldn't you know that I would walk right by someone I know (friend of a friend)! Luckily he was eyes forward, and I went by head's down. I doubt that he recognized me because of my weight loss since I saw him last (55 lbs. since summer). But that was a moment for the ages, to be sure. And most importantly, I survived it! What helped is not feeling I was doing something bad. I believe in this path I am on, so I was not humiliated or really even embarrassed. I just hadn't come out to anyone yet (aside from my doctor), and I'd like to handle that in my own way and time. It was funny, more than anything. Sort of a Murphy's Law moment.

Secondly, I mentioned above that my doctor gave me homework. He wanted me to consider removing my facial hair. I've had a beard for over 30 years (I inherited my mother's neck waddle and lack of chin, and at 20-something, I wanted to cover that). I have been wearing the beard shorter lately in prep for that eventual day, but this morning I got out the trimmer and set it to the lowest setting and dug in. Whoa! The lowest setting is 5 o'clock shadow stubble length! Damn, and I only noted that when I was well into it. There was no way to salvage it, so I trimmed the whole beard to that length. And it looked stupid, so I then shaved my face for the first time in decades. I hardly recognize me, but I think my doctor and therapist will be happy. To be honest, I am, too. Besides, a little bit of neck waddle on a 52-year-old woman is not the problem it once was for a young man).

Sound like you have found a great clinic with people who are willing to take the time that they need with you - congratulations!

I feel incredibly lucky. Thank you, Rianna.

I did want to say a word about presentation. It will take you a bit to find yourself in terms of how you present as a woman, and that's ok. I present in a very traditionally feminine way - lots of us do - and that's ok. It's also ok if you present in a less traditionally feminine way. I have friends who could be described as "softball lesbians", (at least that's what my boyfriend calls them), and that's ok too. One of the perks of being a woman is we have greater freedom of expression over our appearance. I'd encourage you to explore that over time, and do what feels right to you. Don't panic if it takes you time to figure that out. Also, remember that clothes, makeup, etc. are really just tools for communication. They send a message about who you are and what you are doing. (Unfortunately, messages like that can be ambiguous.)

Paula, what can I say? As usual, you are way out ahead of me, signaling to me the next steps in my path. You are totally right in anticipating that as a decades-long, home-bound dresser thus far, my wardrobe shopping skills are limited (as is my wardrobe itself -- losing 55 lbs. in 5 months will do that to a woman). I have so much to learn and think about. I am like you in that I like feminine and classy, not slouchy. I like age appropriate style, of course, but that never means dowdy or frumpy. But as my weight loss is not really done yet, I can't invest in a huge wardrobe just yet. I also have so many basic needs. I currently have no jewelry of any sort (and I need to pierce my right ear as the left one was done decades ago), no fashion accessories (scarves, purses, and only 1 belt I just got for my new women's jeans), no cosmetics (or cosmetics skills, for that matter!), no wigs -- I am missing so much. However, I am getting there (baby steps), and awakening to the idea of thinking about how I want to present myself is a beautiful idea. I like the idea of it coming over me slowly. I am not a flashy, "look at me" kind of woman. I was never a RuPaul-type of CD (not that there is anything wrong with that, it's just not me; that always seemed to me to be more of a masculine fantasy of what femininity is supposed to be rather than what femininity itself actually is, at least to me). I frankly love DebbieL's vision of striving to be prettier than 50% of the women in a room, but no more. To me, it's about blending, just living as the real me. Classic wardrobe pieces, nice shoes, but then again, not inappropriately dressy for a casual event (again, blending is the goal).

I have always loved the vast expressive nature of women's clothing -- bright colors, bold patterns, beautiful tailored cuts, various pieces ranging from peasant blouses and leggings to silk button front blouses and pencil skirts to office/cocktail dresses to formal gowns. The range is nearly infinite, and that's hard on a gal's budget (and we haven't even talked about shoes!). It's also hard to find the right combination from so many disparate pieces, but when the right outfit comes together, it is surely pure bliss. Pride in my presentation is something I will take seriously (funny how it was never so important when in drab). I just have so much to learn. I wish there was a class or something I could take on this! Then there's walking, body movement, inflection, and of course, voice pitch. Ugh. Reducing the tells, really. But I'll get there. And I'll love every minute of it, becoming the person I have always been but hidden away from view.

I have not attended any Therapy sessions for my GID. I probably should. I get to a point where I'm disgusted with the current results and I do something to fix it. I don't care what other people think. Life is a puzzle and the human race is more jagged than any other puzzle out there, more colorful and vibrant, more matte, whatever you can think of its a puzzle piece. To try to put the puzzle of life together is a difficult thing to accomplish without help. I have been doing my transition on my own for 3 years without help and I'm getting so worn down by how things are going, but I have been better of with it as far as my kids go. I do however have to say that I applaud your decision and it has made me decide that Therapy would be a good idea because I'm tired of trying to do everything on my own.

Angpai, getting past what other people think is a huge step. I've been mentally working on this very issue ahead of my transition. I've already identified that when I have doubts about the path I am taking, it's ALWAYS based on my perception of what other people will think -- and most often, it's my perceived opinions from complete strangers! Now that I have realized this, it is much easier to discount those doubts as trivial. I have no doubts about my transitioning from my own perspective. I want this -- I need this. I also have no illusions about how hard it will be, but I also know with certainty that doing nothing would be far worse (and potentially dangerous to me).

That all said, don't follow my path just because it is right for me. Do what is right for you. If therapy can help you -- you'll want to get a qualified, experienced gender identity therapist to work with you -- then pursuing that path can be helpful. Perhaps you're in a rut because you, like me, have never been through something like this before. A good therapist definitely has (often personally themselves), so they can help show you things and guide you through this thick, confusing forest of confusion and destructive thoughts. They can also help you see if this is not the right path for you (although you are free to disagree with them, but do consider why they have that opinion at least for a moment). After all, we're not talking about getting a tattoo here. It's a bit more involved than that! Good luck, dear.

Incredible story Karen! I can't wait to see your beauty unfold as you continue to blossom! You're a beautiful woman starting to spread her wings!!!!

Monica, my dear friend, thank you. We'll be talking again soon!

Hugs to you all!

Karen