Accepting Yourself - A byproduct of accepting change

[Marcelle]

Hi all,

It has been awhile since I had a chance to jot down a musing of my mind so I thought I would look at what has been an common theme over the past few weeks in various posts. Specifically, finding peace with who we are. A few folks have started threads about coming to terms with this part of them, dressing then feeling shame and guilt . . . that old chestnut many here (myself included) have felt. Now this is nothing new, not an epiphany and it has been said a few times by many others. I just wanted to consolidate this view via a personal experience. WARNING . . . this could be a long post . . . Quelle suprise Isha .

I was out this past Friday with some friends (mix of GGs and guys) for a mutual friend's B-Day luncheon. Some have seen me dressed and others were meeting Isha for the first time (although they knew about this part of me). There were some awkward moments . . . especially one male friend who was not sure if he should hug me (as he did with the GGs present) or shake my hand . . . BTW, I let him off the hook and offered my hand . Anyway after the awkward moments, we settled into typical conversation and before long there was no issue and it was like it would have been if I was "en boy" that day. As the luncheon grew to a conclusion and some people left, a few of us stayed behind and just continued talking. One of my male friends who had not met this part of me until today, jumped in the now vacant seat beside me and said "Man, how do you do it? Dress like a chick I mean with all these people staring at you. I am not hacking on you, I just think it takes a lot of guts to be seen as so completely different". I thought about it for a second and replied "Actually, if you look around, nobody really even cares. Not because they think I am a woman but more likely they are more concerned with their own lives. Besides, I have reached a point where I don't really care what others think as I am truly happy with myself for the first time in a long time." Now I'll qualify this by stating he was not being rude, just curious as to why I would put myself through such an awkward outing.

I never really gave my friend's comment much thought until later that evening. I guess when it comes down to it, what we do is weird in the sense it goes against societal constraints on what constitutes "feminine" and what constitutes "masculine". When we do this (for whatever reason) we leave ourselves open to potential ridicule, loss of relationships, loss of friends, possible anger/resentment and daresay violence. So I had to ask myself . . . How do we reach a point where we stop caring what others think and just go on being who we need to be?

A read a Lao Tzu quote long ago on one of those inspirational posters which seems apropos to this post:

"Because one believes in oneself, one doesn't try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn't need others' approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her."

Now don't get me wrong and with all due respect to Lao Tzu, I am not naïve enough to believe that if you simply accept yourself all those around you will follow suit. . . sorry we are humans and by definition some of us will always be D-Bags who can't wait to hate difference. However the deeper meaning of the quote is accepting yourself and being content with who you are as a person. For those who have reached a level of comfort in their lives irrespective of being "out to the world" or "closeted" you have accepted yourself and reached a point where you don't require the approval of others to be who you need to be. So in essence, acceptance stems from self-acceptance and those who follow suit will be your friends and those who don't, will not matter. So some may ask . . . How do I get there from where I am now? I know this is part of me but I cannot accept the changes it is bringing to my life and it is driving me crazy. Unfortunately, "embracing change" is a path we all must travel at our speed and while some will say "just accept it and move on" that can be of little consequence to those who cannot just reconcile that approach with their own lives or way of thinking. So I thought perhaps the following might help. It is the method I employed to accept changes in my life and letting go of who I was at that time so I could become who I needed to be.

So you have just realized this is part of you and as much as you wish it away . . . it is not going away. What do you do to embrace this part of you into your life? This constitutes change in your life on a grand scale and I found that by approaching this the same way as I do all change, it helped me integrate Isha into my life to the point where I am truly comfortable with her.

You cannot control everything. The trigger was when I realized I could not control the desire to dress "en femme". I tried to suppress it for many years but in the end I could not control it and it bested me. Every time I saw a woman dressed, I wanted to wear what she was wearing and emotionally it was destroying me. Things we cannot control be it the external world or your internal self bring change to everything we held as normal in our life. For me this meant a dark period in my personal life which ended with me telling my wife and letting the chips fall where they may . . . I am not advocating telling your SO if you are not ready just that I was ready at that point.

Acknowledge and embrace the change. Specifically, I had to understand that things will be different from how they were. I found that by allowing events to unfold rather than suppression, denial and resistance, I was able to begin integrating this change into my life.

Set realistic expectations. After embracing this change I had to set realistic expectations on how to deal with it. Initial expectations can differ from those later but they form the foundation of how you will integrate this change into your life. Realistic expectations will be different for everyone but the key to accepting change is defining those initial expectations (knowing they may shift) and moving forward from there.

Baby steps. Change is difficult and moving from point A - point X without considering all points between, can short circuit acceptance. For example, rushing to get out in the world without considering honing make-up skills, presentation, choice of venue and so forth or deciding to come out those around you without considering all aspects of that decision can lead to a bad experience, denial, resistance and setbacks . So plan you steps carefully and move at the speed you need to in order to integrate this change.

Learn from experience. I found that as I progressed, I made mistakes, I had bad experiences and good experiences. This helped me to better understand myself and how to integrate Isha into my life. I also had to learn to laugh at myself and not in that "you are weird kind of way" but more so some of the mistakes I made were quite humorous.

Understand your limitations. This goes hand in hand with setting realistic expectations and was perhaps the biggest tool to my acceptance of Isha. For many the ultimate goal is "passing", to be seen as a woman. However the reality is that unless you won the TG genetic lottery something will give you away. I embraced the limitation that people will see me for who I am, " a guy in a dress, wig and make-up". This helped to allow me to interact with the world around me without worrying if I was being read.

Recognize you are growing. As I embraced this part of me, made mistakes, had bad moments, good moments I realized one day Isha is growing beyond my initial expectations and that is the point where I began to see her as part of me and not just a manifestation which needs handling. That was the point where I was truly comfortable and happy just being who I needed to be.

Change is fluid. Finally, change in and of itself is never static and this thing we do is a good example of this rule. We may start with realistic expectations such as "I will never go out in public" only to find ourselves wanting to go out. When this occurred for me I went back to step one and worked my way forward and I still do this to this very day. Accepting initial change is one thing but as we grow within this change, ignoring forward momentum until we get where we are going can be self defeating. Eventually, you will reach the point where you look around and say "Hey I like this person and I am happy" . . . that is when self acceptance to change has occurred and IMHO you will no longer require the validation of others to be who you were meant to be.

I hope this may help some who are struggling or at the very least give you food for thought.

Hugs

Isha