Attempting the middle road...

[LoriFlores]

Not sure of the eventual success (??). However, it looks like my wife and I are going to make an attempt at the middle road of transition. We are going to attempt to have our cake and eat it too... We have a good marriage and love each other but it's complicated by my GD. At the moment she appears to have now accepted being married to a Tomboy. I believe that she also understands that she does not have two husbands but that I'm ONE (albeit a complicated one). She has taken to referring to me (one) as her combined husband, BFF, and girlfriend

We have also dropped the use of my fem name in favor of accepting my female self as me under my current legal name. This will put my renewed interest in HRT on hold in the hope that we can make this work. I told my therapist that I think of my current self as poisoned by testosterone instead of bathed in estrogen, but that we will see if we can make this work with the cards that nature has dealt us.

My wife did make comments to the effect that full transition would involve both great expense and seemingly endless medical procedures, which seems true. On the upside she also did NOT seem to point to an immediate ending of our relationship if these costs were incurred... I hope we can make this work. I'll still consider HRT as a next half step if we need to move on from here.

This is the kind of pic that keeps us going and I have a similar mini poster on order from Kama:
batmanrobinlove.jpg

[Persephone]

WOW!

And your picture is so beautiful!

Hugs,
Persephone.

[PretzelGirl]

Lori, your path is not an easy one, although there are some that make it work well. It all depends on the level of your GD and balancing that with your commitment. I wish you the best of luck with it.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I'm pretty sure that's not them in the picture....

[LeaP]

Do whatever works. And if you've found it, terrific.

If I have it right, no HRT and no reference to a female name. "Full transition" is out (I'm not exactly sure what a partial transition would be anyway). Basically you have an acknowledgment of some femininity in your nature. That is no small thing in itself and I don't wish to diminish that. But where do you see the middle in this path?

[Rianna Humble]

I'm pretty sure that's not them in the picture....

If we go by what LoriFlores wrote, you would be 100% right

[Eringirl]

Good luck, I know that it is not easy. I hope that this middle ground is a happy place for the both of you!!

Erin

[charlenesomeone]

All the best on your chosen path, really do hope you both are happy.
Hugs

[angpai30]

I do hope that all goes well with you. I tried the same thing with my ex and it ended in divorce. Though, I'm not saying that yours will. I wish you well in your journey!

[Jorja]

Straddling the middle of the road is a very difficult place to be. We lose our balance just for an instant and we slip one direction or the other. Then we have to try to get back to that place and regain our balance. Not many are able to keep that place for very long. I wish you well and hope you can stay there for as long as you desire.

[KellyJameson]

For me, being born misaligned forced me to live "between the sexes" as to male or female.

I was in a sense born into a "middle road" where I was not a man or woman but something in between so a "nothing" I had no substance because my body prevented me from being "substantial "(concerning the essentials of something). Not firm, not concrete,ect...(identitylessness)

Often fear,confusion or circumstances can keep you there permanently.

This goes far beyond being a feminine man or masculine woman but two polar opposites forced to share the same space.

Dissonance and incongruity become your life and authenticity and self actualization an impossibility.

You live without "self identity" because you have no vessel to "cultivate it in" and "express it outward with". The body is not "you" and you are not the body. You are permanently separated from yourself as to your body in all things related to the experiences of men and women because they are men and women. (whole and unified)

Most people from very early on will experience their own dissonance and incongruity whenever they associate with you so in a sense you "infect them" with the consequences of your misalignment. It is like a contagion and they will fear/hate you for it. They will experience you as being "unnatural" even when you are a child. It is an instinctive response that goes much deeper than social conditioning.

It is harsh to say this but they "sense the sickness" of your "birth defect" and it makes them fearful because they do not understand it. You look normal but they experience you as abnormal.

This is always happening to the person born transsexual and the "infection and effect" on others reaches a climax when they start physically transitioning because now that desolate place in-between that the person has lived with inside themselves is brought out into the world.

Transitioning forces others to experience what the transsexual has always lived with. When we transition we "put it on others" at least temporarily.

For me to experience my "gender" my external body had to match this "identity". I had to eliminate the "polar opposite effect" so I could become "unified" in mind and body and through this unification to than live out in the world without dissonance or incongruity "for everyone"

We transition for ourselves but others benefit from them no longer being "affected,effected & infected" by the consequences of our misalignment. People sense "inauthenticity" and it makes them anxious so they do not trust you so when you become authentic (transition) you also become trustworthy. (IF you are a woman) because to transition if you are not is to never know authenticity.

If you can find a middle road and it does not cause dissonance and incongruity for yourself or others than in effect you are not "misaligned" and it should be free of suffering.

Whether this is possible or not I do not known because for me it was not or I would not have needed to transition.

To be born transsexual is to be forcefully placed in a position where your existence "bends gender" and for me I could not psychologically afford to do this any longer. That is a luxury my birth circumstances stole from me.

I experienced that place as empty. As if I had been born into a vacuum of nothingness, cut off from everything

[Anne2345]

I tried extremely hard to make the middle road work for me. In the end, it wasn't a viable option, it made me more miserable than I could have possibly have imagined beforehand at the time, and I wanted to die more times than I could can count. Even put in one really, really good try at accomplishing that, too. But fortunately, I failed at that, too. Just barely, though, which is scary. Scary now, but just kinda meh at the time.

Fast forward to the here and now and I am happy to have failed at the middle road. It was a long time coming, really.

But the thing is, through all of the denial and suppression, I really had no idea just how dead I was inside. I wasn't living life. I wasn't being me. I was fake and false. I was living a lie.

The way I was living my life was doomed from the very get-go. I was just too scared to see it for what it was.

Even though I still have my work cut out for me as I continue through transition, I am alive now in a way I never was before, and this has value and much meaning. I love it, in fact, and wish I hadn't spent so much negative time and energy in the past fighting against the inevitable.

For me, the middle path led no where but to the bowels of hell. I thought I could navigate its narrow and delicate path, but I couldnt.

The best thing I ever did for myself was to finally leave it behind.

The funny thing is that folk around here warned me about it, just as some here are warning you now. I didn't listen. I didn't want them to be right. I fought against it. I fought against myself.

And when you fight against yourself, you're eventually going to lose. It's an impossible fight.

But who knows? Maybe you are one of the very, very few it *seems* to work for. Sara Jessica is the only one around here that seems to have a decent handle on it, but I have my doubts about that. Not that she doesn't *believe* it or *want* it to be so, but that she is also due to crash and burn as so many of us have before her.

Still, use the collective information and wisdom of the the forum as best you see fit, and make the best decisions in the moment that you can.

[Angela Campbell]

to me it sounds like you are doing a lot to try to make the relationship work. I wish you luck with that.

[Rogina B]

For me,I have been in the process of transitioning socially over the past 10 years after returning from South America to rework my life.It is about being out to everyone that matters and living it with no hiding.As with any transition,you lose and gain people along the way as you develop a life that puts your inner being in charge .Rogina's picture is the one on my new driver's license and there is no anxiety from that.I am comfortable and at ease around anyone or anywhere. For me,that is living the "middle path" with no guilt or regrets and my wife and daughter know how good I feel from doing so. But rewards don't come without risks and a TG has to be willing to make the jump. My opinion only,of course.

[LoriFlores]

Thanks for all the input, advice, and warnings. I know this is going to be hard to make work as much as I want it to. I've been an emotional wreck and really feeling trapped. I really want to preserve our marriage. However, I'm sensing that my wife may not have the same commitment or that this is all just too much for her. I'm hoping that improvement will come with time but understand that experience has proven how difficult this has been for others Maybe I was too hopeful a couple days ago... Such a roller coaster ride (and I hate roller coasters!!).

[docrobbysherry]

I was thinking the same thing, Jorja!

Straddling the middle of the road is a very difficult place to be. We lose our balance just for an instant and we slip one direction or the other. Then we have to try to get back to that place and regain our balance. Not many are able to keep that place for very long. I wish you well and hope you can stay there for as long as you desire.

I don't have an SO, am not even considering changing genders. But, my "middle road" has been so all over the place the last couple years, if I was a chicken I would have been flattened by a semi countless times!

I wish u all the best, Lori! Or, whatever you're going by now!

[FurPus63]

I'm going to try and be as gentle, sensitive, and respectful as possible; but it's hard. Your post here is really bothering me. I read the original and what you added apparently a couple of days later. Yes you are correct you were trying to be "overly optumistic" as you admitted yourself. "Middle of the Road, Transition?" Doesn't sound very realistic to me. You don't get to change your name, you don't get to take HRT, although you haven't said it, it sounds like you're not going to transition at work (which without HRT and a legal name change is almost impossible anyway) you pee standing up, what do you get to do? Sounds like your wife gets everything she can tolerate while expecting you to ignore your GD and attempt to be satisfied with a few moments here and there where you might be able to dress like a girl (do you even do that?).....

I know this sounds cruel as hell but WTF? Honey; I wish we all could save our marriages. I really do. I understand and realize you love your wife. I loved and still love/care about my ex-wife. However; what you're attempting is near if not completely impossible (not to mention ridiculous). IMO I just don't see how it can work?

I can offer some hope though. My ex-wife and I are now best friends. We actually live together and occasionally sleep together (no sex, just cuddle, hold, sleep). We have discovered that we are much better off as girlfriends than we ever could be before. We go shopping together, she shares some of her clothes with me, heck we even share our dating stories with each other. Oh yes! For me, HRT deeply increased my desire for men, and now I find myself dating them! It could happen to you as it has been known to have an effect on one's sexual orientation. The point I'm making is that it can happen where you and your wife could still love each other, be friends, etc.... maybe even possibly live together. But to be in a marriage union as husband and wife??? Attempting to transition "middle of the road"/part-way???? I don't know. To me it sounds like you're just fooling yourself.

Of course only time will tell and in the end you have to live with you so make decisions carefully. You never know. Sometimes "fate" lends a hand and the decision/choice is made for you. Just keep seeing your therapist, talking it out with your wife and get in touch with your inner-self. Explore your feelings.

Please, even though some of my words above may have sounded cruel, please know my intentions are loving and I don't want to hurt you. I'm just trying to be realistic. So many people will tell you what you want to hear out of kindness. Some of us who truly care will speak the truth. From the heart. It may sound "mean" but it's not. I do care and I do sincerely hope that you find peace in whatever you decide.

Paulette

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I'm curious as to how you came to the conclusion that you were transsexual and what you are trying to do is the "middle path".
When we talk about middle path, we are speaking from the perspective of trying to mitigate GD from the perspective of a MTF transsexual(woman), not from the perspective of someone's unattended feminine side

I'm not mind reading and telling you what to call yourself but perhaps you can consider that what you are really talking about is simply more freedom to express your feminine side, angling to take hormones and getting more freedom for that side of your life to feel less trapped. There is no need to complicate it by comparing it to what others may be doing. Is this possible for you? It would sure be a heck of a lot better for your wife.

I peeked back at older posts to see what you've been thinking and it was really all about dressing and panties, bathing suits and leotards. It is not a continuum from crossdressing to being a woman.
And sorry but that picture is keeping you going?? The implication that the prospect of being a sexy girl in her bathing suit on the beach kissing another sexy girl keeps you going sets off all kinds of red flags in my mind about how you view all this and i'm not sure you really do have a good handle on what you are aiming at. I'm not saying its not a sexy picture, it really is!! But the collective story you've told in all your posts up through that picture makes it seem like this is a fantasy that you are pushing harder and harder.

I hope you figure it out for yourself. I am not telling you what you are or aren't but I am challenging your thinking about what you are going through and you are well served to challenge yourself over and over until you get to your best quality of life and based only on your posts I do not see how declaring you are on the "middle path" does anything to improve your life.

EDIT
I just noticed the previous post after I posted...i'm not piling on, but I realize my thoughts are in a similar vein.

[Brooklyn]

First, do what you need to do and don't worry about what outsiders think when it comes to your own mental health. I tried the middle-way for a few years, and found it exhausting and unsatisfactory. You're constantly in this world where you must examine every gendered activity and chart your course. Once I started HRT, (which is definitely not a half-step), it left no doubt in my mind which path was right. Being gender-fluid for a while, however, has made social transition much, much easier. So what if it's unsustainable? Maybe it's the right place for you for a little while - until you sort things out?

[Kate T]

So what if it's unsustainable? Maybe it's the right place for you for a little while - until you sort things out?

Agreed. Well said I think. Lori, it does sound like you need to do some thinking and experiencing to work out what is best for you and your family. If the "middle path" that you are taking is working for you to do that then great.

[Anne Elizabeth]

If it is what you both want and can keep working on it do it and make it work. I just know I have been spinning my wheels for too long trying to find a solution for too long. All It has done is created pain and suffering in both of us. It would not hurt so much if I could find a way to hate her or visa versa. Just this last week I have really seen how much of a toll it has done on her and myself the only way fro either of us to heal totally is to put an end to it. Scary Heck Yes But I can't live my life that way she wants and she knows it is not right of her to ask me to. But we keep hanging on to threads and I think it is time to cut some of those threads.

[Suzanne F]

I have also tried to keep my marriage in tact while taking steps toward transition. I live as a woman except when I am out in public for work. I work 2 or 3 days a week form home in average. I did postpone any further steps to allow my wife time to catch up almost a year ago. I will begin HRT in late April. I am out to everyone except my coworkers. All my friends see me as Suzanne on a regular basis. It is difficult at the moment to have to don the male persona but I want to do the right thing for my family. I will fully transition but in a measured thought out way. I would love to keep my wife but I cannot do that at the expense of being myself. She must be free to decide if she can be with the real me. I want to support anyone who is trying to do the next right thing. In the end though we must be who we are!
Suzanne

[Rianna Humble]

I have to disagree with Ashley, Lori came to this forum seeking support. Even though she may not like what Paulette and Kaitlyn said, they were offering genuine support rather than a "you go girl" type of response that we sometimes see from the members who have never experienced Gender Dysphoria.

In particular, Kaitlyn asks valid questions about what makes Lori sure she is transsexual and why she thinks that simply cross-dressing is transitioning to a middle path.

What most transsexuals on these forums recognize as a "middle path" is taking sufficient HRT to reduce the effects of the Gender Dysphoria and undertaking at least a partial social transition even if still presenting male at work. We have some evidence that this can help for a few weeks, maybe even a couple of months before the member feels that complete transition is the only route.

[Kate T]

Whilst I think as has been pointed out Lori perhaps needs to have some serious consideration of what she feels with respect to her gender based on previous posts I also understand where Ashley is coming from. There can be a bit of an underlying tendency within these forums with to regard individuals who choose either not to transition or not to "fully" transition with the holy grail of hormones and SRS, to be treated like their GD is lesser or not as real. I don't think that members deliberately set out to give that impression however based on Ashley's post it would seem I am not the only one who sometimes get's this feeling.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I am not aware of transitioned transsexuals protecting their holy grail of hormones and SRS.... this is something made up by people that either don't do hormones or SRS and feel bad about it, or are jealous( god I wish I was not transsexual and was jealous of them) of us because we are the ultimate of crossdressing splendor to them.. in fact, we are used by some of these people to get surgeries or hormones and they hurt all of us if it causes problems later...Charles kane et al...
I really hope you don't feel that way even if posts are sharp and pointy.

...its an interesting metaphor... didn't chasing the holy grail destroy the knights that chased it!!


Transsexuals do tend to dissuade people from trying those things because it totally sucks to go through all this.
We all experienced it...we have all been dissuaded by other transsexuals before we experienced transition or middle path
..thats the opposite of protecting the holy grail, that's telling people to not chase it...

In my own post here I made it perfectly clear that I can't read lori's mind but that her comments don't pass the smell test on what she is getting into and what she is calling middle path... I made it perfectly clear that her own GD suffering matters and she should work on it but how about considering that based only on her posting history it sure seems like what she is talking about is not Middle path.... we can quibble about definitions, but this is not a quibble... especially if we want to support each other without 50 paragraph descriptions of everything..

what I read is a person that wants to try HRT and wants to stay married.....it is a person that is sexually involved to the point that they are posting hot lesbian makeout sessions as the goal (literally)...it is a person that is doing one thing in my mind and calling it another and that will not help her stay married, and may not do anything to help with GD...especially when they find no sexual pleasure from the sexy girls in the picture... how is it not a good thing to challenge this??

My hope is that Lori has a wonderful quality of life and stays married. My hope is that she suffers minimal GD or at least manageable GD and i'm willing to say hard things to hopefully help her figure it out for herself..i admit I am opinionated and I accept its only my opinion, but its not dismissive of anybody's suffering even a little bit..