Awesome! Sierra you kill me! Too funny!Originally Posted by Sierra_juliette
Awesome! Sierra you kill me! Too funny!
Look at the title of the thread: From a GG's Perspective, and read the posts with an eye to trying to understand what is being said, without getting defensive about what it says. I think Sierra_juliette has made some good and valuable points and I hope she continues to speak out. For me this kind of information is the greatest value on this site. Sure, it's nice to get some validation or kind words from fellow CDs, and maybe some tips on aspects of presentation or on getting out and doing things en femme, as well as other insights from those who are in relationships of various degrees of acceptance or lack thereof. And I definitely enjoy the light-hearted threads and humor. But the number of GGs willing to engage in discussions, offer their views on things, and more often than not offer lots of love and support, is small enough. I wish I could let all of them know how much I (and I'm sure many others) value their input and presence here. I love you all!
I guess I didn't recognize "STOP IT!" and "How dare you..." as perspective.
So love you SJ.
And if Nadine's wife and others could join, this site would give us a better understanding of many things.
See all my photos, read many stories of my outings and my early days at
http://rachelsauckland.blogspot.co.nz
Sierra_juliette ,
I have been a member here since 2005 and only posted 103 times, but I am on here regularly. I don't post much mostly do to vocal minority usually kills my ambitions to post on most threads. I can understand what you said in the first post about scaring the SO's. My wife is not on here and she knows and supports my cross-dressing. She sometimes reads over my shoulder and shakes her head. I said they are just the ones that bark the loudest. They are not what most of us are. They are the ones that jump on people tell, them they need to be out in about, that all should dress to the nines ( no guys in dress ) or they are doing cross-dressing a disservice. The forget we are a guys in women's clothing and it is not the social norm. But if you can weed through those post for the most part there is good advice here and you do feel like you are the only one in the world that does it. Keep speaking your mind there are always going to be people with a different point of view. But that's all right it makes for some good discussions.
I have been away for a few days so I have been reading through a few post tonight to catch up. The thing that really struck me was the original post about not scaring S.O.'s and those who are new to CDing and looking here for advice and support here. I can see where someone could really get a skewed impression of what CDing is all about by reading any 1 site on the internet.
I think I am a very good example of someone who is just a Crossdresser, I have not "progressed" much in the last few years other than becoming more comfortable and at peace with my CDing. I have no intention of ever transitioning. I just love to wear the cloths and I certainly seem to be (at least of the somewhat vocal) a minority here. I kind of wish those who are like me, but are just lurking, would post more.......
Sierra, I've read your posts on this thread and think perhaps you may be equating crossdressing with addiction. This is simply not the case, although they have received the same negative public reaction for a long time. Having been on both sides of that street, I feel that I can justifiably comment.
Crossdressing is an inherent part of one's nature; it is no more changeable than one's height (although it may change itself over time, as height can). Addiction is something done to achieve a pleasurable response and to keep repeating it until one dies or hits a point where it become unbearable and manages to stop.
Although the 2 appear similar, they are really not comparable, but it is easy to see where they can be confused. Since addiction is in your experience, I can see where that can color your outlook. You are to be congratulated for successfully coming out of that, but, it is not related to the issues raised on this forum.
Most of those who don't tell their SOs are more concerned about them than they are about themselves; it is not a happy or willing choice, but may be the best they can come up with under the circumstances after careful consideration. Part of the difficulty is that it may not manifest until far into the marriage or be put on hold for a number of years; you can't inform someone if you don't know yourself or are unsure of what's happening. To criticize someone for doing the best they can is, at best, unhelpful and can border on vicious in many cases.
One thing that never seems to be mentioned is if you love someone, this is an essential part of the person you love, not what you thought they were, but what they are. To reject that is to say that your judgement (or instinct or whatever you use for this) is faulty; if it was faulty then, why isn't it now?
Last edited by donnalee; 01-31-2015 at 05:54 AM.
ALWAYS plan for the worst, then you can be pleasantly surprised if something else happens!
"The important thing about the bear is not how well she dances, but that she dances at all." - Old Russian Proverb (with a gender change)
Seana, I'm also a CD'er, and not interested in transitioning xxx Pamela
Last edited by pamela7; 01-31-2015 at 05:46 AM. Reason: spelling
Donnalee, I appreciate that addiction and crossdressing are not equal; however they are similar enough to compare.
As I read your post my first thought is yes, some do come into if after marriage, so then, why would you not discuss it when it comes up? I know, I know, fear. Here is my confusion about that; my spouse is my partner for the rest of my life, the person I can count on and come to, so if I started having ANY new desires or anything else come up he is the person I would come go to and talk about it, because I know he loves me, for who I am in my heart and will support and listen to me. That to me is my confusion for that situation.
I think that you may have missed quite a bit of what I have said in this post but that's okay, I will simply say not one thing I have ever posted here on this forum has ever been written to be vicious, quite the opposite, I think anyone here would have a hard time finding a more accepting and supportive person, anywhere.
Bottom line is that I adore my husband, for his heart, his soul, the person he is inside and that could never change. My post was meant to show my perspective on hiding it and to remind others that some of the posts here tend to keep others on the outside as some have clearly responded is the case for them.
Sierra, the first thing you have to understand it that most people here don't even understand what caused us to be the way we are in the first place, so it's difficult for many to define what crossdressing is to us. So it's not always a 'growing monster' on a one way track.
Second, one really big problem we have is that women usually don't know what they're sexually attracted to or why, either. Time after time you see women who say that they want one type of man, yet continually date and marry the opposite type, all in the name of some unknown 'chemistry'. So all we have to go on is the knowledge that close to 99% of women are turned off by crossdressing, so there alone you have a huge reason why we're reluctant to take what seems like an almost definite chance destroying the lives we have worked a lifetime to build.
And this is not the fault of the crossdresser! I'm not necessarily saying it's the woman's fault either, but it IS her decision to make this one, and only one, behavior the determining one that decides everything about us. I lived this; Everything else about me (or most, as far as I am told) is more than acceptable, and attractive. But the crossdressing is the one thing that women will find as a deal breaker, even if they never have to deal with it in person. Both women and men fall in love with the image that they create of the person, made up of everything they know about them. Screw up that image and the love, and lust can quickly vanish. Consider all the women over the years that learned later in life that their husband was unfaithful decades ago, and suddenly declare that they never really knew him at all, and file for divorce. One thing, while unknown, and the person is great. Change that, all of a sudden they are mean lying *******s. But only one thing has changed. The person himself is exactly the same as he has been for a very long time, no behavior or feelings from him have changed at all, ever. Only her preception is different. You women may feel slighted that we didn't tell you something that YOU think is important, yet judging from our lives together up until that point, it certainly didn't matter to you at all! Everything about us was just fine yesterday; you loved us and found us sexy. Now all of a sudden you interpret us as something completely different, even though we are exactly the same as we were the day before. YOU made the decision to denigrate us for wearing female clothes and feeling good emulating women. So the decision you need to make now, is why you feel that way? Do you really hate what being female stands for so much that feeling female, dressing female, and being comfortable with that feeling is such a horrible thing? Or are you insecure that you can't handle the concept that a male might ever not be the strong, protective, self sacrificing person that you think you absolutely need in a husband? It all makes me wonder, but few women can handle the self introspection; when I have posed this question to other women, they immediately go on the offensive rather than consider the feelings that result from the question asked.I have seen many confused posts, from new/young dressers as well as SO's that just had their lives altered forever finding out their husband or boyfriend wears female clothing.
Yes, we deserve to be accepted and loved. But for the great majority of us, that's not ever going to happen, whether we are out or not. And coming out brings along it's own set of problems too. No one wants their lives to become more difficult; just because our SO's knowledge, feelings become altered and more difficult for her to deal with, why must ours automatically become a nightmare as well? Just because she feels it's hard for her so we should be penalized too? Now that's not a nice thing either.
We're there because for the most part, we have no choice. If we want a relationship with a woman, it's really the only option. I've been on online dating sites for 15 years now, and the number of women I have met who are OK with crossdressers I can count on less than one hand. I put up two ads: One with all the normal info, the second with the add on at the end that I occasionally crossdress. Guess which one got hundreds of hits, and the other, only responses from prostitutes and call girls? I think you know the answer already. There simply is NOWHERE for us to find straight women to date. Nowhere. There are no crossdresser/straight girl singles bars, no crossdresser straight girl dating sites (the one that professes to be is inhabited entirely by men, with a few GG's who are already with BF/SO, and several fake females that the company uses to get us to pay for membership, and then those GG's never anwswer us or deny they ever sent a message of interest). There is no option for us.The last point I have is quit hiding and lying! If you truly love your SO and respect her, give her the option to accept you, do not force her to live a lie, it is selfish and just wrong. If you think she wouldn't accept you or it would end the relationship, well, newsflash, it shouldn't be. What I mean is, if she doesn't love and respect you enough to accept you, why are you there?!?!
Force you to lIve a lie? Once we tell you, the only lie left becomes the one you decide to make or not. You either accept your mate, or not. The pages in this forum pretty much indicate that the latter is the most often choice.
Again, we know the ramifications of coming out, and none of them are good. It's not that we think little of you, but you have to admit, virtually no women know why they are really attracted to their mate. What you say you want, and what you really want are often two entirely different things.Why didn't he tell me? Did he think so little of me?
[quote]So, I say, how dare you deny this woman who you claim to love, respect and want to protect, the chance to actually know you [quote]
We never really know anyone. No one tells the other every single detail of our lives to our mates. It's simply impossible to go over every single thing that occurred to us in our lifetimes. We initially only tell the best; the mediocre comes later, and the worst, sometimes never. We have to decide what we feel is important for you to know, just as you might omit the fact that you had sex with three guys in the football team when you were 19. It's something that either no longer is part of who you are, or you believe isn't relevent to your relationship with your SO.
The problem with that statement is, she gets what you say she deserves, but the vast majority of the cases, he does not. And yet, women see that as a perfectly acceptable result.I am not saying drop everything and tell her now, but tell her! She deserves to know and YOU deserve to be accepted.
That in a nutshell is what we feel entitled to do. Those of us who remain closeted simply want out of life what everyone else is allowed to pursue, without the anchor of crossdressing constantly pulling us beneath the surface, drowning us before we even have a chance. We want a normal life. But in order to get it, we have to keep the fact of our crossdressing out of site, or our chances become zilch.
For those women who simply don't understand, consider this scenario: No matter how good you look, no matter how good in bed you are, no matter how smart you are, how nice your family is, what a nice home you have, a great, wonderful family, you could be Miss America, a Victoria's secret model, playboy playmate of the month, or the hot actress in hit movies or TV. But even if you're all of the above, consider what it would be like if 99.25% of the men you date won't ever want to go out with you a second time. What do you think your chances are? You'll have to date at least 100 men to meet even one that MIGHT be what you want, and that's before even learning anything else about him, and even more, him learning anything about the real you. How many men did you date before you got married? Was it 100? If not, you would never even come close to have met your SO.
Last edited by sometimes_miss; 01-31-2015 at 08:28 AM.
Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.
I would welcome you to ask my husband or any of my friends if they would consider me a typical GG in anyway, I bet they would not agree with your assessment.
As for complaining about dressing, I am not and never have, never will. My complaint is lying, hiding or being deceitful in any way, whether it is dressing, drugs, alcohol, cheating or any other behavior. As this is not an alcohol, drug, or cheating forum, I did not address those things.
Carla, I think you have made your views on your relationship well known on this forum. Each member has the right to post and if necessary get out the soap box, it is not an excuse for you to put them down because their views do not reflect yours.
Listen carefully to what is said, quite often you can hear what is not being said
The joy of correcting a mistake can bring pain to another
Sierra, first, thanks for all the support and willingness to state your belief in this thread topic. I noted in your first replies to some of the reasons (defenses as some have taken them, or counter attacks) that it seemed that you were ready to close shop and leave the topic, because to me you seemed to be as defensive against any counter reasoning to your opinion as you thought the others were to your statements. Thanks again for staying around, and hopefully you will see that many of those responses have merit too. However, as Sometimes_miss stated above, what has changed in the person after they make the big reveal to their SO? Nothing! And yet many times the SO's reaction is totally negative and that prior wonderful, with normal complications, relationship can never be the same. Not because the TG was honest, as recommended and pushed so strongly by some here, but because the SO is not able to maturely handle the situation fairly. You know I never see the SO's criticizing themselves for their over reacting and total lack of understanding and refusals to try and understand something so important and sensitive about their spouse. Why is that? I read here all the time us CD's criticizing ourselves and other CD's when we are in the wrong, especially with regards to how we treat our SO's.
The answer to the oft stated question as to whether the TG does not trust his SO to deal with the truth, is that, of course they don't trust them. Just read the varied responses from the members here. They don't talk about that lack of trust, they talk about the negative and relationship changing results for the reveal based on how their SO's react. Many others do not want to reveal based on what they read and what they know about their SO. If they truly knew their SO, which is very difficult for most people, they may be able to maybe predict their response and "trust" their feeling that the outcome of the reveal would be positive, or at least not very negative. Yes, some reveals work out, sometimes like rare fairy tales with the SO actually participating, but the vast majority do not and end up in awkward and very difficult to maintain DADT situations in all their varied forms. Where is that stereotypical compassion and understanding so often related to women's characters when needed? To be honest I don't see it here very often. Really, only when courageous SO's like yourself join and participate on this site like you have. I see more SO participants here that still overtly show in their written word that they still hold very serious grudges and hard feelings with their TG spouse for being who they are.
I am a true believer in telling you SO when the time is right and before entering into long term commitments. However, it is very important to realize that no two situations are alike and what may work for one may not work for the other. No one knows the details of someone else's life and relationship. No one knows if the SO may not react so negatively that they out their TG spouse to everyone else out of revenge, affecting long term friendships, relationships and even income earning abilities. Yes, those over the top reactions are rare, probably about the same as those fairy tale reactions too. Therefore, I also condition my belief in openness to also include that only the revealer can decide whether it is good or bad to come out, and whether they should or not. We can all recommend, but to demand and many times try to shame someone into doing it is just plain wrong. So, being a written word only support site, I also believe that special effort should also be made to make sure that recommendations stay clear if insisting to the point of shaming someone who has decided to keep this part of themselves private. How to do that? One obvious and simple way would be to at least acknowledge that there are some valid reasons for sometimes not revealing this to SO. Why do I make a point about this? Because there are some that say you "must" tell and many others that insinuate the "must" aspect with no allowance that sometimes secrecy may just be the better option, and I believe that many times there are valid reasons to keep the secret.
Now to the part that I quoted for you last post. I think that you may be basing a lot of your reasoning on your own unique, and yes it is very unique and wonderfully rare, fact if being very "accepting" of your spouse's TGism. Unfortunately, there are so many more, the vast majority of spouses and SO's, that cannot accept it, have a very difficult time tolerating it, with many condemning it as unacceptable. They have found themselves, in their opinion, in a lose-lose situation that they are afraid to get out of. No, they did not know about this before and probably would have not entered the relationship that they now have if they had known. However, they are now in this situation and should learn about it, try to understand it and then decide what to do, versus immediately condemning their spouse to purgatory. They make it a living hell for their spouse, almost as a punishment. That is just as wrong as what others state that the CD is hurting the SO by not telling.
Thanks again for being here, starting this thread and sticking to it. I hope that after a while you will reread many of the responses here and see that there are two sides to every story and issue, their are valid reasons on both sides of the argument, and that defending one's point of view is not automatically an attack on the other person.
I absolutely understand that some situations are different, for sure. For me, especially if it is known prior to entering relationship that you are a CDer, this is the time to 'test' the waters and not necessarily tell too soon, but understand whether or not your potential partner is open minded to theses types of things. Again, simply my opinion.
I 1000000% agree that some SOs need to start being critical of themselves. No doubt!! I will be the first to admit that I hear and read things from GGs that make me say 'WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!' I have strong opinions about the way that GGs try to limit or deny CD time and stuff. In my opinion physics come into play here, for every action, equal but opposite reaction. By this I mean if I were to deny it linit my husband's dressing, shame him for it or be negative about it, I should not be surprised when he withdraws, doesn't talk to me, starts sleeping in another room, going out at night or dozens of other things I have seen complaints about.
I have a somewhat unique view I guess in that I see from both sides and am critical of both sides.
If I had a friend confide in me that her husband dresses and started complaining about these things I would absolutely tell her to look in the mirror and see what she is reflecting before she criticize or condemn him.
My original and follow up posts are a glimpse into a very important aspect for SO to consider, the largest majority of SOs will say the lying and/hiding is the hardest thing for them to get over.
Thing is, imagine telling a person who does not really love you, who might use the information to manipulate or hurt. Imagine the relationship is not in perfect bliss.
I told my present wife, the first-ever person I told, that I had had a bi youth, tears were streaming down my face, it was the bravest thing i felt i'd done on an emotional level. Comparatively, the CD as it emerged was light and easy.
But that was based on trust and a love like I've never experienced before. Not everyone marries for true love, but for convenience, right person at right time, and one's life could be destroyed. Each person must weight their risks, and trust their own judgement.
xxx
Perhaps it was for you, but on the whole, I don't believe that is the case. Millions of marriages survive lying, cheating and hiding things, and lots of women go on to marry guys who fooled around on them during the courtship too, but they forgive and move on, because it doesn't affect the sexual attraction. Crossdressing on the other hand, seems to be a straw that breaks the camel's back. The therapist that my ex and I saw before the divorce agreed with my ex that nearly all women partners of her male TG patients would not have entered the marriage had they known that their prospective hubby was a crossdresser.
Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.
Although I am sure that therapist is an intelligent person, that statement is skewed and does not even compare to what I stated.
As the SO of a CDer, who talks to others in my shoes, the vast majority of them are more hurt by the lying and hiding than anything else. Perhaps it is true that many would not continue the relationship, I am speaking of those who are in the relationship, who now know, the most hurtful part of the entire thing is/was being kept in the dark, secrets and lies.
Sierra, wow, you are indeed incredibly unique & honest. I really enjoy reading your threads, your responses & the varied responses generated by forum members. We all learn a lot from you... And wrestled with envy because our spouses cannot see our cd perspective.
In my situation, I told my wife late last fall of my cding. She was devastated. The man that she married was gone. From her perspective, i ceased being a man , a lover & a friend. The announcement fractured our marriage to the degree where months of therapy haven't made a dent into her negative perception of me. I have not cded since going to therapy because satisfying my need only complicates our relationship.
There are many super responses to this thread. I believe that Allie 's comments are right on target as to my reality... And the reality of many of my cd cohorts. Too many of us have had our feminine selves cloistered because of the problems that spouses live with in no longer seeing their husbands as men; the man that they married, shared a life & family with & want to have sex with. The manly image & self concept has been shot to hell. It is sooo true, an affair can be remedied but cding cannot be forgotten , forgiven and most certainly not accepted. Again, my manly image has been totally shot to hell because of my need to dress & my honesty in trying to share my soul with my spouse.
I don't blame my wife as she didn't ask for this nor would she have ever considered a union with me had I known about this part of me / shared it with her before we married. Sierra, you and the other wives of cders who understand & accept who we are must be Angels. My hope for you is that you will continue to love & support your husband, grace us with your thoughts & supply us with hope that someday, maybe someday , we who are living in hell can find that elusive domestic peace; a peace that certainly would make me feel whole once again. Sierra... You are a blessing in more ways than one. Respectfully, mel
Sierra Juliet,
Thank you for keeping up with this thread. It seems that you've hit a strong chord with the members here. I value your honesty and your opinion both as a supportive SO and as a GG. I'm sorry if my earlier reply came across harsh. Your original post and first few replies came across to me as hostile, attacking and then harshly defensive. I am not saying that was your intent, just how many read your post, including myself. I know that many of the things you were saying are in support of all the members here. My wife (Purple Puppy GG) read your original post and replied that she agreed with you, she still does and for the most part, I do too. As proof that I agree, I've been honest with my wife about my CDing. I've been out with her since I was 15, she's stayed with me through thick and thin. We have our disagreements about many CD issues. I get it that we will never see eye to eye. Many of the questions that she has had over the years we have had to find the answers together. But WE stayed together. As far as coming out to others; we have 2 daughters and a few friends and family members that know. She insists I come clean with my family, I disagree. I've tried to communicate with my mother and father a few times over the years and have ALWAYS been humiliated or told that it was just a phase and it'll pass. Well, it hasn't passed and (to contradict you a bit) it has progressed. Where it will lead, I do not know. My brothers are highly homophobe. Anything out of the binary offends them greatly and their spouses agree with them, their children too.
My wife has been my supporter, my encouragement and my companion for nearly 30 years. She has her boundaries. I try to honor her limits but my issue with them is that these boundaries require that I put myself away in a draw for her. That can be overwhelming with grief. I do want her to stay but I also need to express myself.
I also want to thank you. I was on the road when I first replied to this thread, as did my wife. When I came home, my wife wanted to talk about my post & I about hers. The next morning, she had a list of points she wanted to talk about and I was not prepared. I was met with tears and a heated discussion. Sure, things don't always go as planned and we did fight but, we did have an open discussion about how we both feel regarding CDing because of your original post.
As I read your further replies to the concerned members of this thread, I realize that you are in support of all types of people who are here on these forums. The last few replies, your civility has come out and I really feel that your message is welcomed. Myself, I'm known as having a short temper. I'm known to start a conversation with a point of view that may be a bit differing than others around me, the discussion can escalate into a heated argument with little constructive understanding coming from it. You and I may be quite close in this regard.
I'm terribly sorry that your SO seems to have been quite offended about this thread. Many members are still closeted, that's their choice & I respect them for it. Many SOs have turned tail and run, nothing we can do about that. Many SOs; yourself and Purple Puppy and more; have stayed, been supportive and honored their mates. Open communication may be key to many relationships but in some, the message may not be as welcomed as it has been in our lives. DADT, Not In My Sight or other limiting/restrictive relationships can be devastating to our side. What happened to,"For better or for worse, for richer and for poorer, sickness and in health..." vows? When she is "richer," I feel "poorer." When she feels "better," I feel "worse," when I am "sickest" is when she seems "healthy." I know we can't ever match, but I would like to share in the good times and the bad.
In closing, thank you for making us think about what is beyond our own pain. Thank you for being there for other GGs. Thank you for standing by your husband. Thank you for forcing a conversation in my marriage. And most importantly, thank you for calming yourself so we can all read your true message. I know I have grown reading this thread and my relationship has as well.
Big warm hugs,
-E
PS- newly bought nylons with a run has driven me to tears. So frustrating.
Last edited by Erika Lyne; 02-01-2015 at 06:01 PM.
**Just trying to happily be me.**
Hugs!
-E
I don't currently have a SO. But I do think we all make too big a deal about this.
If it is just about the "feminine" range of fabrics, styles, shoes, scents and coiffures then why is there such a big discussion about breast forms?
Erika-
Thank you, sometimes it takes the painstaking task of reading and re-reading every post to stop and re-word my message to get it across properly.
I am a very passionate person when it comes to a lot of things- my biggest thing is the right for every person to be able to be happy!
I have lived a life that would fill enough happiness, grief, fear and wonder in 100 people and I wouldn't change a moment of it because it has taught me that every person I encounter has a past, a story and maybe a struggle. I am not in any position to do anything but offer my thoughts and opinions. I am lucky enough to have found my soul mate and that has brought me such enlightenment.
I knew before I ever laid eyes on him that he was a CDer, yet I think that knowing his soul, I would've gladly accepted it learning later.
I hope that communication, heated or not continues in your life, communication is key. I will be the first to admit that my marriage is not perfect, but dressing is NEVER the reason for that. We have much normal things like 'are you listening' and 'I TOLD you that' to argue about.
Dress or jeans he is always the same beautiful soul that never listens to me :-)
Last edited by Sierra_juliette; 02-01-2015 at 10:43 PM. Reason: Spelling
In that regard, we males are like cats; not listening is in our job description.
"We don't see things as they are; we see things as we are." Anais Nin
I'd like to add in the spirit of Erika Lynn's thoughtful post, that SJ is to be admired for sticking to this thread and to this forum.
I apologize to you Sierra for being overly critical of your original post, and you're right- I shouldn't try to second-guess people's motivations based just on a few words. However I was horrified at your SO's mis-reading of one or more of my comments- it goes to show how even when we think we are being clear, we may not be. I certainly did not suggest or think that he might be replicating your ex's abusive behaviour- why on earth would I think that? As you say, communication is key.
It's been fascinating to read the responses here and it certainly brings up strong feelings for many- thanks for keeping it going and I hope I have not completely alienated you.
Hugs, Nikki
I used to have a short attention spa
wow Sierra, you have touched a nerve or two.there is undoubted reason and credit to what you say, I'm just not sure that all SO will understand or even try to as you obviously have....
It is true that keeping things that are part of our actual blue print/ soul's, secret from our partners damages a relationship on some level, and undoubtedly causes pain on both sides when eventually outed, I came out to my partners in utter dread of the consequences, fearing that I would not only loose my partner but that in the hurt and possible split, my life could be exposed and blown apart....hell has no furry like a woman who is hurting....(ok so I have changed that but you get the picture)
There are certainly people out there who make no effort to share the secret in their lives, and that is for them to decide on, for me I didn't understand what or who I was , until I was eventually able to research on the internet when it was available ...and by then it was years after I had married and had children...through reading others stories realised I wasn't the only one and an utter freak of nature and society....I realised it wasn't going away and so I told her...and it went down like a lead balloon...we know our partners and most have a fair idea of how it will be received....we are still married, but it has taken years to find any level of acceptance...she has always loved me but is not really equipped to deal with and feel comfortable with my feminine side,(upbringing , character etc etc) she never has been and never will...I cant blame her I am not sure I would cope that well if she rocked up in a beard and wanted to be called Ralph..!!.. I am also well aware that had I told her in the beginning we would not have had 20+ years of marriage and 3 amazing children...what would I have said...I don't know what or who I am , why I do this or where its going but hey join me on the journey....there are women out there that would say yes , but for all I love my SO she's just note wired that way...has many many fantastic attributes, but just struggles with diversity in the marriage.
Fear keeps people in the closet, it makes them lie and it causes pain in a relationship....if everyone was as open minded as you there would be less of a reason to hide but sadly they are not.
Last edited by Jessicajane; 02-02-2015 at 08:30 AM.
I also want to thank you for sticking with this post.
SJ quote:
"I am a very passionate person when it comes to a lot of things- my biggest thing is the right for every person to be able to be happy!"
Considering the second half about being happy. Will that be achieved if I, in a DADT relationship force her to discuss a topic she doesn't wish to discuss? My wife, who I love dearly, very successfully uses avoidance as a coping tool in many aspects of her life. When I mention things like car repairs, the need for a new appliance, an issue with her mom she replies " Take care of it, I don't need to know the details. Only when she really needs to be involved does she ask questions. And that is usually after the dust has settled.
In the post above Jessica mentioned how her SO can't, do to her upbringing have an open mind about CDing but she has managed to co-exist with it. I wonder if Jessica has ever been told if her SO would have preferred to be left in the dark? Yes the opportunity to ask questions is important but you can't put the elephant back in the bag. If I forced a discussion than my wife needs to take a position on the issue. Right now she doesn't need to do that and that seems to be working quite well for us. I also think that children in a family need to be considered when deciding to have the talk. If a spouse cheats do the kids need to be in on that conversation? I don't think so.
Yes in a perfect world we can all depart with no wake left behind, but that is a rare occurrence. My father took his life, left a note and i just had to trust what he put there. I have a similar note that I hope is accepted in a similar fashion.
I wish you only the best in your future and may your nails never snag your pantyhose nor your lipstick end up on your teeth (I hate when that happens).
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