I just need some advice....depressed and shouldn't be

[kyla_cd]

Alright, I will preface this that it will be long (and hopefully worth the read). A little background, I have been CD since I was 10 (now 31). I've been married for 8 years and have 2 young children. My wife knows and is completely accepting (i know what could be the problem?) Basically, she found out a few years before we were married (although I didn't know she knew) and it all came to head just after we were married, which was so scary but she was completely understanding and apologized for not bringing it up sooner. At that time I had such limited experiences everything was just new and fun. I was able to step out, buy a wig, some lingerie things I really always had to sneak. Even a dress and some makeup. I'd dress for awhile, lingerie in the bedroom, wig/makeup in private still hiding it (not sure why) I'd always feel so ashamed after any time dressing and then it would go away, sometimes for as long as two years without really wanting to do anything. She would question why I hadn't wanted to dress and I'd just say that it's kind of went away, but explained that I was sure it would come back and sure enough It would sneak up and would just be one time me dressing in lingerie in private and then back in the bedroom...followed by guilt/shame...repeat! Now we have a young family, meaning finding times for even a bit of dress up feels impossible. The problem is I don't want to just put on some panties, I want to dress up completely, and I want her to be a part of it but I also 1) don't want to put her through that - even though she is fine with it I feel so guilty doing that to her 2) she's not the dominant/take charge kind of person that I need in that situation, someone who can completely put the "male" me aside and concentrate on Kyla. And even if she was to do that (which I'm sure she would if I asked) again I'd just feel so ashamed like this isn't what she signed up for and isn't fair to her. I just love her so much and want to make her life as easy as possible on her. She's my wife and my best friend, I am so lucky that I can just talk to her but I can't get rid of my on guilt and shame over this need and addiction. I know I should just talk to her but I'm always afraid to bring it up as it's so uncomfortable and feels like such a burden. But I feel that desire coming back strong, I need clothes that fit (i really have none), I need a makeover and I need some time to be Kyla and to honestly feel it (does the guilt after dressing ever stop?). I'm just not sure what to do and how to push threw this. I know the desire will never go away but I can tell when the need to dress comes as I get tired/depressed and just need an escape from male me. Anyways, love to hear from people. Thanks in advance for the advice.

XO
Kyla

[docrobbysherry]

You're problem is NOT your dressing, Kyla, it's your guilt. Read your post above like a stranger mite.

U have NO issues with any of your family abiout your dressing except yourself. U feel u have to sneak around anything regarding Kyla. Why? Unless u r having sex dressed, what r u so ashamed of?

U r Kyla. Kyla is u. Your wife gets that, why don't u? I suggest seeing a good therapist ASAP. Once again, dressing is NOT your issue, I believe it's guilt! U need to get over the guilt. It could destroy your marriage and ruin your life.

[Jenniferathome]

Kyla, Sherry is on point. Guilt is the trouble BUT...remember that you can not expect your wife to be part of this. She can be both understanding and not wanting to see it. You do need to tell her your feelings. They are boiling over and it will only get worse.

[Sierra_juliette]

I know this all too well.

My husband and I have similar relationship in that I am totally accepting and enjoy helping him pick clothing to wear, doing makeup, painting toes and so on, however the guilt and shame he feels from hiding it for so long and knowing how society views it is debilitating to him. It is hard for me to comprehend and sometimes it hurts but I know we will conquer it together.

If your wife truly wants to help, support or participate, let it happen, it is a process and won't happen overnight but practice makes perfect. But if she wants to be a part of this part of you and you close her out it very well hurt her, deeply. I know I want to know my husband, all of him, dressing is a part of him and I love all of him. If he were to only dress in my absence it would definitely start to bug me. In all honesty, he does dress more frequently when he travels for work and if that was the only time he dressed I would be sad, but he does dress fully every once in awhile at home, but regularly wears a mighty to bed and wears panties everyday, that is all he owns anymore.

Don't shut her out, if she wants to participate let her try, baby steps.

[Paula_Femme]

Hi Kyla

Let me add my vote for "Guilt!" along with Sherry, Jennifer, and Juliette! Guilt is like acid, it will eat away at you continuously, even when you're not aware of it, and if you let it, it will destroy you, and, potentially, your relationship with your wife.

You asked the question, "...does the guilt after dressing ever stop?" and the answer to that is I don't know as I've never felt "guilty" about my dressing, and I've been at it for over 30yrs now!

You need to accept yourself for who you are, after all, if you can't love yourself, how can you expect someone else to?! And you need to talk to your wife, openly and honestly, about these feelings; she sounds incredibly accepting, and you owe it to her, and to yourself, to be as honest as you can possibly be, you need to deal with this together.

Good luck to you both!!!
Paula

[Rachelakld]

You are you, that is why your wife loves you.
you are part husband, part very understanding girlfriend.
She loves these aspects of you

The guilt is what is in your head, and only yours, and it's a killer (will lead you to depression which is not what your family wants).
So you need to change the way you think.

My wife watches for my mood to drop, and orders me out for some girl time (she does not participate, but kids help me with clothes, makeup, advice and especially SHOPPING)

[NaNook]

hey Kyla,
well first and most of all....don't listen to anyone that is not the "Genetic Deal"....
Sierra has it spot on....the rest of us can only "Surmise" a Possible "Possibility" of some kinda of Solution???
why????
because "Women"........REAL WOMEN...have a complete different way of looking at things....
no matter what anyone tries to say???...most of here are "Trying to ACT like a WOMAN" ...were not...
your wife, is peobally the best Therapist to talk to regardless of what anyone trys to tell you....
well because you and her understand yourselves better than "Anyone"....
best part, for now she's kinda nice with it !!....some women just aren't the "Domamatrix" (I spelled it wrong..LOL) with the wips and chains
there actually very even keeled as they say..."Life is Life" for some...and have a thinking of ..."It Is What It Is"....???
not in a bad or good way....she may be a bit "Shy as well"....same as well...our Society has made it out if a women
says or does something out of "Norm" she a tramp,or a ****, or just easy...."BULLSHIT"...they have feelings too....
we are closer to one another than most chose to "Believe" or Accept.....
but I would talk with her? you feeling guilty? is just because your worried about her "Feelings".....that's a good thing !!!
why???
because you Understand now something you always knew....."How to Be Human".....which most have no concept?
as for new family...of course its going to put you in a Different gear....family will do this...LOL
but over some casual conversation, talk to her...a "Real Woman" regardless of a particular Subject..seem to respect
a good conversation regardless of subjects....because one they will feel "Included"...when even in everyday life
there "Set Aside"....don't get me wrong Women have made great strides and it is good to see !!!
but still if they feel "Important" they become "Important" this makes them a "Perfect Ally" in anything you will ever do....
no matter what it is........
I am betting, even in the long run she probably will have some fun about it...most women will in some way or another...
just never misguide her "Trust"....then that can get Ugly....Betrayal is a HARD one for anyone...
only you and Her will know what lines those are that the are crossed if any....
but reassure her? even if she already knows? tell her you lover her? even if she knows?
because then she "KNOWS" you do...and Will.......and show her...doesn't have to be about sex?
or gifts....be surprised in the Simple things what it takes to show a Partner how love works.
and trust....

[AccidentalDresser]

I am no expert on relationships and can only go on what your original post said.

There are a few points here that really go in your favour.
First and best point of all is this:
She knew about your CD side and went right ahead and married you anyway.
She obviously loved/loves you enough to make a long term commitment to you and have your children knowing that you had this pre existing female persona and unless she had you state in your vows that Kyla was forbidden then it obviously didn't bother her.

Secondly she brought the subject up and asked why you hadn't dressed in a while.
Not being a woman I can't say for sure but it sounds like she is wanting to be a part of your life in all aspects and is very accepting of it.

Perhaps you could try talking to her and asking her what she really thinks of it and ask if she could get involved. Perhaps let her know that you are happy to be Dad around the kids if that worries her. Tell her that Kyla is just for you and her.
If she really is accepting of it then perhaps she will help you get dressed and do your makeup. Let her dress Kyla up as much or as little as she wants to see how far SHE will take it. It may not be the Sub & Dom situation you wanted but it could be a very loving and tender experience where she tells you what looks good and what doesn't.

It is possible that she is worried about pushing the subject too and doesn't want to make you feel uncomfortable.
Tell her how you feel and ask her to help make Kyla for a night after the kids are in bed. Tell her you want to be Kyla with her and just spend some time.

One thing I do know about women, actually people in general, anything done in secret and hidden by sneaking around will eventually cause a problem.
Tell her you want her to be a part of it if she feels comfortable with that so you don't have to sneak around to dress. Honesty really is the best policy and the best way to stop feeling guilty.
Ask her if she would help you to become Kyla first and spend some time with Kyla before she gives her heart felt opinion.

As I stated at the beginning. She knew about it for a few years but still chose you as her life partner so if I read your post correctly, it's all looking pretty good for You the wife and Kyla to exist together hapily.
From the sounds of it though you really need to do it soon before the guilt consumes you.

Xxxxxxx

[kimdl93]

the advice thus far has been on point. one, work on putting aside the feelings of guilt. This is not a crime. Its not a perversion and its nothing to feel ashamed about. I know - easier said than done. The first of those baby steps is to speak with your wife about your desire to express this part of yourself.

The advice from our GG contributor touched on something I wanted to say, but she beat me to it. That is, do not shut your wife out. Dressing in solitary, hiding, doing on trips in a sense deprives her of something in you that she long ago accepted. It was part of the deal. She knew it going in.

The other item I wanted to address is this fantasy of the woman "taking charge", dominating and leading in the dress up process. I know some people do get off on power exchange and D/s and all that stuff. A lot of CDrs fantasize about being "forced" into dressing. I suspect its more than a fantasy. In a way hoping that ones SO will take control, relieves the CDr of the responsibility for choosing to dress. Sort of like saying, I didn't want this. She made me do it. In other words, I won't feel so ashamed because I was forced to it.

I would instead suggest that you take responsibility, ownership and pride in who you are. Yes, being a CDr is different than some, but its simply one of a multitude of different personality types out there. And if you and your wife can learn to share in it comfortably, it can help bring the two of you together.

[Jenniferathome]

hey Kyla,
well first and most of all....don't listen to anyone that is not the "Genetic Deal"....
.

So, don't listen to you then?

[Sierra_juliette]

Jennifer, you kill me! I was thinking it, but you beat me to it!

[melaknee]

wow,thinking about it , i wore my mom's stuff when i was young, when my kids were small i did not.than as they got more independent i started up and took it much further. maybe it's the kids you are thinking about right now? hope i'm not intruding, melaknee

[Rachelakld]

Ya the "genetic deal" know everything there is to know about being female in a male body because they read a book once.
The rest of us are just the ones who live and experiance the life in first person

[Stephanie47]

I have not read the response except for the first. You are wrapped up in self loathing and guilt of not being the man society expects you to be. You are fortunate. You have the best therapist there is: the woman you're married to who accepts ALL of you. If she has known since before your marriage, she really is accepting. I suggest you explain your feelings and needs with her. She may be willing to be a part of the solution to shucking off your guilt feelings and self loathing. She may be waiting for you to go further with your cross dressing and she may be waiting to be asked for assistance. Your wife may have a good sense that something is bothering you. Let her set the boundaries.

[Sierra_juliette]

Haha this 'genetic deal' hasn't read a book. Maybe I should?!

[carahawkwind]

The other item I wanted to address is this fantasy of the woman "taking charge", dominating and leading in the dress up process. I know some people do get off on power exchange and D/s and all that stuff. A lot of CDrs fantasize about being "forced" into dressing. I suspect its more than a fantasy. In a way hoping that ones SO will take control, relieves the CDr of the responsibility for choosing to dress. Sort of like saying, I didn't want this. She made me do it. In other words, I won't feel so ashamed because I was forced to it.

I would instead suggest that you take responsibility, ownership and pride in who you are. Yes, being a CDr is different than some, but its simply one of a multitude of different personality types out there. And if you and your wife can learn to share in it comfortably, it can help bring the two of you together.

This is important, you are who you are and your wife is who she is and if she's not comfortable being the more dominant person in the situation, you can't force to be. Earlier in my relationship with my wife, I definitely had the fantasy she would be super aggressive with me when I was dressed, but that just isn't who she is and it was making her uncomfortable to want to do more. We found a much better balance to my dressing and our relationship once I let go of that and just let us both he who we are.

[kyla_cd]

Wow. Thank you all so much for the responses. Sierra your words mean more then you know. I definitely know the guilt and the shame are my issues not hers but is definitely not fair for me to keep this all to myself. She knows I want more and is understanding but wants me to be comfortable and go at my own pace. I've been slow because my urges to dress over the last 5 years have diminished a lot but I always knew when they came back they would come back strong. I need to work with her to not feel guilty everytime I dress and there is no one better to help me through that then her. As for her being a bit more aggressive and pushing me that absolutely is not her personality and is not fair of me to expect that from her. I think this weekend we will sit Down and have a detailed chat over a bottle of wine. She has been on this site in the past which has helped her a lot so we ,as be on here together looking for answers. Thank you all again. Not sure what I'd do without this kind of support. Lots of love!

Kyla

[Angie G]

You neek to sccept hho you are. Maybe the best way for you to do this is with help. For youe sake and your for the sake of your wife get some. I feel you can't do it on your one hun.
Angie

[Teresa]

Kyla,
Somehow you have to find a way to discuss it with your wife, otherwise the shame and guilt will never go away !
In my sixties I've finally managed to shed those feelings but it's way too late and my wife is probably less forgiving now than she was ! I thought age would mellow and things would get easier but the CDing needs have just become stronger. I just need to be more open because my mind can't take the hiding behind closed doors any more !
So please try and find a way and don't put yourself through the agony for years !

[brit_cd]

I used to feel bad and ashamed after i dressed. And i would stop(usually just for a few weeks or days). But as i have been online and learned that there are so many like me and i am not the only one in the world it has really helped. I feel no shame anymore. Nobody knows but i am happy with myself now. I dress any chance i get now. But it took me over 20 years to reach this point. Might be different if my wife knew i guess. I can see how you would feel like you are letting her down or something. But if she is ok with it then dont feel bad. Just talk to her about it.

[NicoleScott]

The problem is I don't want to just put on some panties, I want to dress up completely, and I want her to be a part of it ...

Many of us faced the moment when we revealed to our wives that we crossdressed without any inkling of what the reaction would be. You have an accepting wife which gives you good reason to believe that she would be accepting of your desire to go from partial dressing to total transformation. Even if she would not be comfortable with that, at least the topic would be open for discussion and a suitable arrangement can be sought.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to dress up completely, and you can want her to be part of it, but her participation is her call.
Opening up the conversation can be scary, but once you jump through the flames you will likely land on the other side thinking "that wasn't so bad after all."

[kyla_cd]

Sierra what runs through your mind seeing/dressing your husband up? is it pride/doubt/happiness ?

[luz]

Dear kyla,
You can't hide yours feelings, cause that don't make more than troubles.. the best you can do is talk to your SO and just be yourself!
She loves you! Shes supportive with you Try to trust more in her feelings.. and never understimate the love that a GG can feel for a men..
Givr her a hug and talk with her EVERYTHING! Womens love to know everything about her SO
Xoxo
Luz

[Maria in heels]

Kyla...you are in a great position. Your wife understands and supports Kyla, and yet you are afraid to let Kyla out. Just take it slow, maybe a little bit at a time, and yes, even though the urge to fully dress and transform is inside, start moving towards that goal. Along with your wife at your side, you should be able to overcome this fear/guilt and just progress to the next level. You are putting all of the guilt on yourself for no reason...

[kyla_cd]

Well I thought is give you all an update about how my talk went with my wife. She has always known and been accepting I just never would fully dress or just lingerie for the bedroom. It's been on and off for years. Well the other night I misfired up the courage to tell her i want to get fully dressed up. She was understanding but with the usual concerns (gay/transition/full time home dressing). All of which i explained I have no desire for but from time to time I need to get fully done up. Part of the problem is I have never had nice fitting full outfits. So we decided to go online and order me some stuff. From there we are going to plan a night for Her to make me over and have some girl time. I no longer half to hide what one looking at online (clothes and this forum) and can truly be open with Her. It's tough cause I really want to hide it still and do it by myself but know i need Her to be a part of it so we can be closer and more understanding. So I've ordered some bras and panties. A nice plus size dress from forever 21, I have wig and makeup and we wear same
Size shoes (and she has a big collection . So we will see how it goes. Need to take things a bit slow but she is very accepting. Thanks for all your support. Huge weight of my shoulders.