From Boy-Mode to Me (before and after pictures)

[Anne2345]

As I continue to make steady progress with my transition, I have recently found myself reflecting back on how I used to *look.*

Which, to be completely honest about it, I find somewhat curious considering that it was not that long ago that I went out of my way to avoid being exposed to all things *formerly* me. I mean, I just didn't do it, because it was too hard. Doing so would invariably bring up too many negative thoughts and emotions. It was counter-productive to go down that road, even for a quick jaunt, so there really was no point, unless I was already feeling crappy and wanted to take it to the next level, but I digress . . . .

Still, I haven't had any interest in doing so until now.

The difference now, of course, is that I'm in any entirely different ball game these days. I know what I am doing, I know who I am, I know where I am going, and I know what I want. Sure, I still have much work to do, and many details yet to address, but I'm getting there, and more importantly, I have put my money where my mouth is and I am *doing* these things. So I feel really good about myself in a way I never even allowed myself to dream was even possible, which is an *amazing* thing and transformation in and of itself.

Anyways, as for how I used to be in my head - that person is long gone and behind me now. I barely even *remember* that person, in fact. The thoughts, emotions, and insanity that THAT person who I used to be experienced seems like a million, gazillion lifetimes ago. And yeah, I suppose I could go through some of my old posts and stuff, but really, what's the point?

But how I used to LOOK, on the other hand, that's different, I think. I think it's different because it's a quality that is observable on its face, and it's relatively easy to compare and contrast between different points of transition and different parts of one's life. Everything from clothing to the length of hair to the look in one's eye to the manner in which one smiles (or does not smile) to so many, many other things. It brings to mind the old adage about how a picture tells a thousand words or whatever it was, but you all get the point.

Regardless, I now find it rather fascinating and kind of fun to look back on the old and compare it the new. I also find it absolutely mind-blowing, in that I can hardly believe that I used to *look* the way I used to look. It just all seems so rather impossible and stuff. Except that it's not impossible. It's anything but impossible . . . .

So earlier today my curiosity got the better of me, and I spent a small bit of time putting together a few boy-mode pictures from the past couple of years followed by some recent *me* pictures, and I posted them in an album on my facebook account, for any who are interested, here:

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?...1&l=376106c919

[Leah Lynn]

Anne, that shows a very significant change. All in all, I think you look much better in the later photos!

Hugs,

Leah

[Angela Campbell]

kinda funny that I don't seem to have any boy pics anywhere......guess I was camera shy.

[Rianna Humble]

Pics 3, 5, 7 & 11 seem to show the progression.

I wouldn't be able to do this, I had trained my cameras never to take pics of the old me

[Karolyn]

Very impressive evolution, those pictures show the progression incredibly well. Congratulations! Thanks for making me even more impatient to start my transition in a few weeks

I actually have almost no picture of me in guy mode. Maybe I should take some. I only have pictures of Karolyn! I used to hate being on pictures, now it is the opposite, I have more than 2000 photos done in the last 2 month!

Thanks for sharing!

[GabbiSophia]

That is impressive and the new confidence you have is inspiring.

[CostaRicaRachel]

All I can say is wow. You've become a very beautiful woman. I know it was a lot of work
but you can be proud, it has piad off. Congratulations!

[I Am Paula]

I've gotten rid of, or hidden pictures of me as a guy. But! Google never forgets. Here's one from the web, and certainly one of the last taken of guy-me. My avatar is what I look like now.
Pic is Canada Day playing on a flatbed. I hate playing on flatbeds.

[Janelle_C]

Anne you look amazing. I still need to up load a pic of myself. When I look back I have mixed emotions.
But you look great.

[Starling]

You look wonderful, Anne! I have pictures, but I hate them so much I wouldn't ever post one here. I'm a full time woman here, even if I'm never able to transition. And I'm too old to change my mind.

Lallie

[Terri Andrews]

Thank you for sharing ,
, You look amazing

[flatlander_48]

It's interesting to see the contrast as life has progressed. Change happens. While the external differences are readily seen, my guess is that there is an accompanying mental change. But, it's not that we become different people. Parts of our true personalities come to the fore and overshadow others, but the core remains...

[KellyJameson]

They say the eyes are a window to the soul. Before I was out and before I was willing to admit that I was trans I would fear that people could look at me and see my secret in my eyes. I feared that it was not possible to hide the truth completely and people may figure it out.

It was a paradoxical fear because I was also hiding this truth from myself so I think part of my fear was someone "making me see my truth" by what they could see. Transphobia in all its glory

I suppose it is a bit like hiding your true sexuality but much worse in my opinion because even though people may not accept it they can at least comprehend it. There is much more pressure to hide your gender and it seems this is particularly true for MtF trans.

The fear was justified because more than once perceptive people who did not know me but who became friends later would mention this deep sadness they could see in my eyes. I would get apprehensive and make light of it.

It is a mix of sadness and feeling under siege that starts very early in life that shows up in the eyes.

Even though you were wearing sunglasses in some of the pictures I can still see that you are losing that sadness and sense of being pressed down by life.

When you think about everything people go through, everything they risk, everything they are subjected to by others to transition, during transition and sometimes even after transitioning you would never think that under these circumstances the eyes would or could show that special spark born from the beginnings of that inner peace that comes out of living authentically.

I have noticed this many times in the eyes and faces of those who transition. No matter how happy or joyful I appeared in pictures there was that hint of pain that shown in my eyes before.

Its still painful to look at those pictures because part of me feels sad for what that person suffered through but surreal because I cannot feel a connection to that person any longer.

Ever so slowly we heal.

[Dawn cd]

I'm not sure I could been close to the male in the pictures. The aura of the woman, on the other hand, is warm and inviting. I could be friends with her.

[Tonya Rose]

Awesome Gurl Go with it !!!
Tonya!

[Michelle789]

Anne,

You look absolutely amazing. Like many of us, I was also camera shy as a guy. Although I do have some guy pics, I took the very rarely. In fact, I think I only took pics three times within the last 10 years. Since living as a woman, I have gone picture crazy, although most of them are still sitting on my phone. I put a few up on Facebook, and it's been a while since I've posted on the forum.

[lauren_m]

What a fabulous transformation!

[charlenesomeone]

Anne you look great. What a change, and you do look happy now.
The journey continues.
Hugs

[Cindy J Angel]

Yes flatbeds r up there my did not like then eather he had artificially leg witch mad it hard for him to get up and down. But as a kid i played a lot on them aver weekend. Hay nice Gibson solid body love cindy

[angpai30]

I have looked back several times of my image of when I first started transitioning. My male self and my female self don't look anything alike. I look more like my sister. I have showed a few people what I use to look like and they agree that I look nothing like the guy in the picture and in fact can't imagine that I ever looked like that. Its hard for me to imagine myself like that at all because it has been so long. It hasn't been an issue till now because I can't even believe that I use to look like my male pictures. I had a lady from work stop me one day and ask me if I was really transsexual. I thought it was odd that she would stop and ask such a question. She said that she had many transsexual friends and that I don't act anything like them. She gave me a percentage, which blew me away and we sat and talked for 45 minutes. She just couldn't believe that I use to be male and so I showed her an old picture of mine on my phone. Shocked by the picture she immediately deleted the picture and told me that I shouldn't be showing that to anyone and I shouldn't be telling anyone I'm transsexual because its not anybody's business and I'm a woman and that I shouldn't reminisce on how I use to look no matter whether I'm Pre-op or not. I agree with her and what blew me away is that she is LDS.

[VanTG]

Looking good girl, thanks for sharing and keep up the mad makeup skills.

[Ann Louise]

You keep looking better and better honey, and I think that's your inner light showing through.

[Barbara Ella]

Anne, you are improving the ball game each and every day you are you. Looking so good dear.

Barbara

[Khora]

I absolutely LOVE pictures like this that illustrate the changes or differences in a person. Normally I look like a typical dude-bro so it brings me a little comfort to see a picture of another typical looking dude and then a picture of said dudette! I kinda think, "Hey that's kinda just like me!"

[DebbieL]

One of the things I found interesting was when I took some of my old school photos and used TAAS to add some hair. In each case, I looked so much like a cute girl. My grandfather often got compliments on what a cute granddaughter he had - when my hair was even a little long, so he would set me down and take the guard off the clippers and give me a buzz cut. I would cry the whole time partly because he hurt me when he did it (my baby fine hair would jam the clippers and pull my hair out instead of cutting it), but partly because I wanted long hair so people would think I was a girl.

In Jr high school, I looked so much like my daughter it was scary, and in 9th grade, I looked more like a girl than a boy even without "enhancement".

This was me about 7 years ago, before I started transition.
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