Any regrets after Transitioning?

[Kathryn Martin]

As time passes by I think I am convincing my self more and more to take that step;

There is little I can add to what has already been said. But this sentence out of all you wrote is kind of scared me. What is it that you are trying to convince yourself of. I think that is a very important question to ask yourself.

As to regret? If you regret after transition that you transitioned then you did not do the work you should have done before convincing yourself that you have to take the step. Dangerous stuff that. And very harmful not only to yourself.

[paola_gemi]

Thanks all for your comments. Let me start by saying that I was not avoiding the question about getting therapy. I have considered therapy for a long time, in fact I did get some counseling at some point, and I addressed my Dysphoria issues, but then something happened in my life that I had to move away, then I didn't continue with therapy.

Anyhow, I am here with the great news that I am back to therapy. I had my first session today and I am very pleased with the therapist. She seems to understand the type of issues I have and I am comfortable in the way she approaches them.
I think that this step is a big progress for me.

In regards to the comment of "Convincing my self more and more" it is very hard some times to get a point across in this type of venues ( Blogs ) some times things get to of context, but I will make an effort to be careful with the wording.
It is not that I have to convence my self of any thing, it is more of realizing what I really am, and what I really feel.

Some times we block ourselves from our feelings and desires to do something, when we get too involved in the every day life and try to please every body but our selves.
I am not convincing my self of any thing, I think I am making me more aware of things I did not consider before, and when I say convince, I probably mean "Oh that's right" kind of thing.

I do have fears, I do have questions, I realize that transitioning is a big step, but the bottom line is that what I feel is that:
1.- I am not happy with my life,
2.- I am happiest when I either dress and turn into female mode or fantasize becoming a woman
3.- A lot of my confusions about gender as well as my sexuality, keep getting clearer as I search for knowledge in the subject.

My original question about regrets after transitioning was not made to validate anything, but to get other people's perspectives and learn more about what I might encounter or relate to any of that my self.

In the end, my question is doing its job so far, since I am having a lot of feed back and I already noticed a slight change in my fears, and that is a good thing.


It feels good.


Hugs,


Paola.

[Michelle.M]

I have yet to meet anyone in person who has claimed to have a relatively smooth, easy-going transition. Personally, I do not believe such a thing exists. At least not in the *real* world . . . ..

I dunno . . . I'm not sure how you define that, but I can't say that transition has been much of a hardship for me. Oh, sure, there have been challenges, but when compared to living in a male body the sacrifices I've had to make were relatively easy choices.

I would have to say that my transition has been as easy as one could expect. That someone else might view my sacrifices as burdensome might cause them to think otherwise, but for me it's been a bargain when compared to the alternative.

[Karen62]

Paola, I am the last person who should be giving advice on this topic, as I have hardly just started the transition process. I have come out at work (at least to HR), I am seeing a gender therapist who already wrote me the letter for HRT, and I start HRT next Tuesday. I have also started laser treatments to remove what little bit of dark facial hair I have left at 52 (coming up next: electro!). I also dress full-time at home, and have been outside the house in femme clothes just a few times (but only to my therapist's office and back, and only in women's jeans and clogs -- no cosmetics, jewelry or a wig). As this all changes from being just a conceptual thing to an actual physical thing for me, I do have periodic, creeping doubts, especially while at work. But when that mild panic hits me, I immediately analyze it and realize I do not doubt the authenticity of my feminine identity; rather, I am doubting my fortitude to make it through the long slog of a public transition. But then I think, "Do I really want to let what other people might think of me dictate how I live the entirety of the rest of my life, especially when these people are mostly strangers whose opinions otherwise have no value to me?" and the answer is always a resounding NO.

All I can tell you is having doubts is good if it makes you examine your reasons for wanting to pursue this. If you are living a fantasy, then you need to understand that fantasies are rarely realized, and the substitution of reality can really suck. And if you doubt your strength to deal with the many challenges of transition, and you think it might be easier to just "deal with it" and live life as a man who can get enough GD relief from privately crossdressing, then that is your answer. But if you are tired of living the lie, tired of denying who you are, tired of censoring every spoken word and assessing every gesture made to ensure you are not coming across as a woman lest you be outed (oh the horror!), then that's a pretty compelling argument for pursuing by whichever means you choose to start living your life authentically. Your argument factors will be different from mine, and the weighting of the factors will also be different (I am fairly lucky -- I have no SO right now, have no kids, have a good job, and a supportive employer, although I got the impression this week from the HR guy that I may actually be the first TG employee to ever pursue transition (and they are a fairly big employer), and that made me a bit nervous -- again).

In the end, you have to make the call for your own life. Doubt can be an asset (I'm talking to myself as much as to anyone else right here). Use the doubt to explore your life thoroughly, and take all the time you need to be sure -- as sure as anyone ever can be. We only get one life to live, and I'm not going to let the odd, questioning looks of complete strangers dissuade me from finally living an authentic life. I know it'll be hard to get through, really hard, but life itself is hard, and I doubt I could sustain my life if I did NOT do this). And in the end, we all end up in the same place - in the ground. So this girl's ready for HRT, but that's as far as I have gotten with my commitments to myself. I will see how I feel after that, and then I'll determine my own next steps. I have an idea of what is to come, but I want a bit of validation first. Baby steps.

I wish you all the best in finding your own truth, Paola. Please listen to the other women here. They are an amazing and diverse collection of fascinating people who have seen so much more in their lives than have either one of us. They have a lot of wisdom to impart to us. But your life remains yours. Do what is best for you. No regrets.

Hugs,

Karen

[Ann Louise]

Certain, convincing answers to your questions and doubts are not likely to be found unless you reach the point where you are willing to repeatedly undertake actions which risk fear, embarrassment, and loss regardless of the consequences. Even in the best of circumstances, most folks' lives, even for non-trans people , are a series of compromises strung together of which we do our best to feel good about after the fact. There are few if any certainties (this you know), and satisfaction is certainly not guaranteed. However, there are touchstones in our lives that radiate joy, like the birth of a child, a requited love, or being reunited with a dear friend, and these stir moments of emotional warmth and contentment. Watch for those moments as you walk this path and gain some assurance that you are on the right road. Do those moments, however few and far between, counterbalance the risks you would take?

[DebbieL]

My biggest regret after transition - that I didn't do it 50 years ago. It wasn't possible back then, cross-dressing was illegal, and those with gender identity psychosis (the delusion that they were women or wanted to be women) were treated very badly. Even back then, the extremely high suicide rate was well known, so men who wanted to be women were usually committed, shocked, and tortured and eventually lobotomized.

Later, they were institutionalized and drugs did much of the work previously done with the lobotomy. With enough drugs like Haldol, even though your mind was screaming, your outside was almost comatose quiet. It was a bit like the zombies you saw in the old movies. If you didn't take the drugs, they locked you up.

So much better now. At least you can go to a real doctor in the united states and get the needed care, including general medical care, HRT, and SRS when the time comes.

I do understand the reasoning behind the WPATH guidlines and they are really important for those who aren't in the "transition or die" category.

[Jennifer8]

I have yet to meet anyone in person who has claimed to have a relatively smooth, easy-going transition. Personally, I do not believe such a thing exists. At least not in the *real* world . . . .
But still . . . .

EVERYTHING!! in her post.
Because she says it all like 1000x better then I tried to.

But ya it sucks sometimes its hard sometimes BUT if I could of choose and had to chose btw being the most miserable girl like ever on the planet or being the happiest guy. Ya Id still pick being a girl every time

And NOOOO you dont have to think about or try to harm or kill yourself to be Trans
but if you do it because youd rather be dead then a guy, then YA! id say start transitioning tomorrow
because that is like a huge freakin sign big red flag waving bat signal saying you better do something

[Kimberly Kael]

I have yet to meet anyone in person who has claimed to have a relatively smooth, easy-going transition. Personally, I do not believe such a thing exists. At least not in the *real* world . . . .

The key here is "relatively." Not all transitions are equally difficult and the best case has definitely improved in some cultures over the past few decades. So by definition there are some of us who have it relatively easy compared to others. Compared to horror stories from folks who have lost their livelihoods, their homes, their families, and their friends? Or those who have had surgical complications? I think it's safe to say I had an extraordinarily smooth, easy-going transition. I know we haven't met in person but I have met several people here who can vouch for me. And the thing is, there's a generation of transgender children with supportive families who are going to have it way easier than me. It's not something I begrudge them. Far from it! I'm glad fewer and fewer people will have to endure the kinds of hardships that are still a reasonable expectation for most facing transition.

[tara.emily]

Here is my input, from someone who is yet to transition, and maybe will not.

Transgender is quite a broad spectrum and transitioning is not suited to all transgender people. Regret of transitioning for someone who has transitioned, if they have gone about it correctly, rarely happens (although I read not long ago about a person who had transitioned from male to female, who then wanted to transition back again).

As it was already mentioned, would you regret giving up so much that you have worked for in your life?

It's great that you're back to therapy. I'm on the search for a good therapist for myself, living in a small very right-wing village makes it difficult, the nearest big city is 2 hours away. Would I regret giving up the job I love so that I can move to a place where I can also get the professional help from a therapist and transition would be "safer"? No, I wouldn't. I'd be very sad; but, I wouldn't feel any regret; because, my inner peace is more important to me. That's an example of one of the things you need to understand about yourself, not decide.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

wow!!!

I love this line tara.emily... emphasis mine

".....you need to understand about yourself, not decide"

that's such a big deal that little word understand... deciding anything at all before you truly understand yourself (understanding oneself is a tough concept in practice but the point still holds true) is a mistake.
and therapy is hugely helpful to identify and work against those pesky roadblocks we put up to make it harder to understand ourselves..

and tara skype can work wonders...open up your search to those 2 or even 3-4 hours...go have a meeting and then do the rest by skype, its worth it.

[Anne2345]

I think it's safe to say I had an extraordinarily smooth, easy-going transition. I know we haven't met in person but I have met several people here who can vouch for me. And the thing is, there's a generation of transgender children with supportive families who are going to have it way easier than me. It's not something I begrudge them. Far from it! I'm glad fewer and fewer people will have to endure the kinds of hardships that are still a reasonable expectation for most facing transition.

Although I haven't ever visited Santa Cruz, California, my guess is that on the whole and just generally speaking, Santa Cruz is probably an easier place to transition than good ole Charleston, West Virginia.

Regardless, please do not mistake my words - like you - I do not begrudge ANYBODY that has the good fortune of proceeding through a relatively smooth or easier transition. Because really, it shouldn't have to be a horrible, life-blowing-up-and-destroying experience to begin with. In an ideal world, we should be celebrated for taking steps to heal ourselves as we take positive steps to address our medical condition, much in the same way others are who seek treatment and a cure for their respective medical conditions, whatever those conditions may be.

And if anything I can do or say in the here and now will help those further on down the road to have it a bit easier, then I am all for that and will do my part to affect positive change.

Believe me, if I could *choose* between the shitty circumstances of a brutally hard and painful transition and one that was less grueling and didn't require as much sacrifice, I wouldn't hesitate to choose the easier road.

As it is, at least here in West Virginia, I am relegated pretty much to Radioactive Tranny Leper status. Employers won't touch me with a ten-foot pole, I am in the middle of a bitter divorce, most of my friends have abandoned me, much of my family has forsaken me, I have no current job prospects, I have no idea where I am going to live after the family court judge kicks me out of my house, and I have no idea how I am even going to make it.

All I know is that somehow, someway, I am going to find a way and make it. But it the meantime, it's like having my eyeballs slowly scrapped across a field of broken glass over and over again . . . .

[Kimberly Kael]

While I've never been to West Virginia, I've certainly followed the state of LGBT politics in the area and I can only imagine how much you've suffered at the hands of strangers and presumed loved ones alike. Watching the most socially regressive states trip over themselves to prove how much they hate us is hard enough to bear from clear across the country!

While I actually transitioned in the Seattle area which is pretty progressive, I would agree wholeheartedly that Santa Cruz is a good environment for me. Heavens, we've had visitors who have asked whether any straight people live here after strolling around downtown! And yet I've some of the local transgender population through the local diversity center that we support, and there are some very familiar and unfortunate stories of hardship. My experience is no more or less representative than anyone else's, it's just my own. The truth that we all grew up in a culture of fear and suspicion regarding the entire LGBT spectrum. Some of our families and neighbors are more progressive than others, but none of them are completely free of the influence of their upbringing.

I wish you some good fortune ahead on your journey, Anne. You deserve a break and I know you'll make the most of future opportunities. Hopefully some of the animosity being stirred up by social progress dies down in your neck of the woods and you can find a few more allies when the dust starts to settle.

[PaulaQ]

I want to have your input and share your experiences as to if there was a real regret after transitioning in any degree.

I regret I didn't do this 25 years ago. Seriously.

I am worried that my sexual life will not be good, since sex is very important to me.

I won't lie to you and tell you that there aren't a lot of us who are lonely. But my sex life has never been better. I hated sex as a man. I found sex with women to be very unsatisfying. I'd always been attracted to men. I've had a much better sex life post transition. For one thing - I can feel free to ask my boyfriend for what I want, whereas before, I was very inhibited about asking for what I needed.

If you like performing penetrative sex with your penis, you may be disappointed post transition, because on HRT, that really isn't usually possible. I definitely wouldn't recommend GCS if you feel that way.

BTW, I haven't had GCS yet - February '16. I can't say whether or not I'll regret that, but unless I have a fairly seriously bad outcome, I think I'll probably feel a whole lot better after it. I also feel that unless things go just horribly wrong (it happens), I'll enjoy sex better.

I am also worried that since I was born a male, and I always lived my life as male and did the things that were expected from me as a male, I will not feel confortable at some point, to the degree of regret.

Yeah, that's a real possibility. You could lose your career. Over. Gone. You'll likely lose a ton of privilege - some people won't take you as seriously as a woman than they did as a man. What kinds of male activities do you fear you'll lose? I don't miss one thing about my old life. I really don't. I've been lucky - I kept my career. It's possible that you will too. A lot of this stuff is a real roll of the dice.

I will definitely will come out to my partner of 15 years, I will look the right moment in the next month or two, and I will start therapy as well, but I will really value your comment and any advises you may have.

I did lose my marriage. That's a real possibility for you. I miss her, but in the long run, there's no way it was going to work out. We're both straight. I don't regret that we aren't married anymore - I think that was inevitable. I just regret that we aren't friends anymore - I do miss her. She won't actually see me in person - I haven't seen her in person in over a year.

Most of us lose relationships in transition. The relationships that do last, and some do, often don't involve intimacy anymore. Again, this isn't 100% true, but it happens a lot, at least with people I know who's spouses have stayed with them during transition.

Anyway, overall, no regrets. Wish I'd done this sooner - a lot sooner.

[sarahcsc]

Hi Paola,

There probably isn't much to contribute after hearing from everybody else. However, I thought you might find some information from the medical literature illuminating.

If I understood correctly, your question is, "are there any regrets after transitioning?"

Although there is a lack of long-term follow-up data that measures true success of hormonal and surgical treatment for gender dysphoria, the consensus appears to be that the majority of patients who undergo gender reassignment surgery are satisfied with the outcome. (1)

One study, however, found that 10% of patients showed worsening of psychosocial condition after surgery. (2)

Reasons for that include incorrect diagnosis, prior mental health problems and surgical complications. (3)

There are certain risk factors that can increase the risk of post surgery regret which include inadequate family support, weak social networks, unrealistic expectations of surgery and poor understanding of its limitations. (4)

According to the World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH) 2011: appendix C, which outlines the eligibility criteria for gender reassignment treatment, in order for one to be eligible for hormonal treatment, they must fulfill the following criteria: (5)

a) persistent, well-documented gender dysphoria;
b) capacity to make fully informed decision and to consent for treatment;
c) age of majority in any given country (there is a separate standard of care for children and adolescents);
d) if significant medical or mental concerns are present, they must be reasonably well controlled.

In order to be eligible for genital surgery, one must fulfill the following criteria:

a) persistent, well-documented gender dysphoria;
b) capacity to make fully informed decision and to consent for treatment;
c) age of majority in any given country (there is a separate standard of care for children and adolescents);
d) if significant medical or mental concerns are present, they must be reasonably well controlled.
e) 12 continuous months of hormone therapy is appropriate to the patient's gender goals (unless the patient has a medical contraindication or is otherwise unable or unwilling to take hormones)
f) 12 continuous months of living in a gender role that is congruent with the gender identity.

Regret is always a possibility in life no matter what you do or don't.

The role of a gender therapist is to provide you with an accurate diagnosis of gender dysphoria and/or any comorbid psychiatric conditions (if present), to counsel and educate you on the possible treatment options, to provide you a safe place to explore your sexuality, to make formal recommendations to medical and surgical colleagues, and also to educate family members, employers and institutions about gender identity disorders. (6)

They are there to reduce the risk of post transition regret, but they do not eliminate the risk altogether.

The real-life experience if often misperceived by people as being some kind of "test" as to whether they will be "allowed" surgery/hormones. On the contrary, this is designed to allow a chance to experience life and the issues involved in belonging to their preferred gender, to ensure that they are making an informed decision about their capacity to function in it. (7)

If you're thinking seriously about transitioning, that I would suggest that you go through the recommended steps as outlined by WPATH.

However, please understand that those are just guidelines and treatment should ideally be individualized. Which means, some people may choose to have either hormonal or surgical treatment, or both, depending on their own circumstances.

Good luck in your transitioning.

Love,
Sarah

References:
(1) Levine SB, Soloman A (2009) Meanings and political implications of 'psychotherapy' in a gender identity clinic. A report of 10 cases. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy 35: 40-57
(2) Michel A, Mormont C, Legros JJ (2001) A psycho-endocrinological overview of transexualism. European Journal of Endocrinology 145:365-76
(3) Decuypere G, Elaut E, Heylens G, et al (2006) Long term follow up. Psychosocial outcome of Belgian transsexuals after sex reassignment surgery. Sexologies 15:126-33
(4) Gorin A, Bonierbale M, Lancon C (2008) Gender dysphoria (GD). What role for the psychiatrist? Sexologist 17:S21
(5) World Professional Association for Transgender Health (2011) Standards of Care for the health of transsexual, Transgender, and Gender Nonconforming People (7th version). WPATH (www.wpath.org)
(6) Meyer W, Bockting W, Cohen-Kettenis P, et al (2002) The Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association's Standard of Care for Gender Identity Disorders, Sixth Version. Journal of Psychology & Human Sexuality 13:1-30
(7) Bockting W (2008) Psychotherapy and the real-life experience. From gender dichotomy to gender diversity. Sexologies 17:211-24