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Thread: The "Only transitions if you HAVE too" paradox

  1. #51
    Member Ann Louise's Avatar
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    Waiter, I'll have what Eva's having... ^_^
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  2. #52
    What is normal anyway? Rianna Humble's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rianna Humble View Post
    We see some people posting here about transition, but who value their relationship with a non-accepting wife more than they value being congruent. Or who value being seen to be the father of their children more than they feel the need to be whole. Or who value something else more than the need to be seen for who they really are. For those people, transition would be a mistake because it is not a priority for them and they would lose whatever the other thing is that they prize more.
    EvaMarie, in context, this is the "wisdom" that you say you don't buy

    Quote Originally Posted by EvaMarie View Post
    Sorry I never bought into this "wisdom"... I didn't HAVE to transition at 44,
    You didn't have to, but did you need to? Your words suggest that you did have a need.

    Quote Originally Posted by EvaMarie View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Rianna Humble View Post
    So please tell us, EvaMarie, what it was that you prized more than being whole but gave up to transition and don't regret?
    OK Ive given this a lot of thought... Honestly Ive given up NOTHING and I have zero regrets
    SO, if you have nothing that you prized more than becoming whole, why do you say that it was bad advice to tell people who have things that they do prize more to be certain that they need to transition in case they lose that which they prize above congruence?
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  3. #53
    Senior Member Sammy777's Avatar
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    The "Only transitions if you HAVE too" VS The "I wish I had transitioned sooner" Paradox.

    First the "I wish I had transitioned sooner"

    There are really only two things on a TS's wishlist.
    1) I wish I was born a girl.
    2) I wish I was able to transition younger, preferably before puberty.
    Thing is, life usually has a funny way of screwing us out of both of those one way or another.

    Yes, many of us wish we could have done it pre-puberty like how all the cool kids are doing it today.
    But the, usually harsh, realities of life come rushing back and we realize that it did not matter how young we "felt it".
    We knew then, just as we know now, that coming out at that young age was never going to end well.

    Yes the puberty blocking drugs used today were around when I was young enough to use them.
    Bad news is they were not using them for us, or even thinking about it back then and they would have cost a fortune!

    The primary course of action when I was a teen, and still [sadly] sometimes used today is: Go through puberty to make sure.
    The equivalent of a mechanic telling you to drive really fast towards a brick wall after you tell them you have no brakes.
    The outcome from both: Oh sorry for completely screwing up that cherry bodywork of yours, here's a lollipop kiddo.
    Basically the major damage is done, with minor additional damage being added each year it's not properly fixed.

    Add in Electrolysis and Laser hair removal are relatively new and were not user friendly, cheap or easy to find back then.
    We soon see how a serious lack of options, inconceivable costs and huge medical roadblocks helped some bury themselves.
    Even if we came out to an accepting family able to afford these things, it was still a waiting game till you turned 18.

    Personally, back then I knew NOTHING of all these financial and medical hurdles and roadblocks one had to get through.
    There's one thing however that I did know, My family, which can be summed up in four words: Old World, Catholic, Italian.
    Without going into a personal long winded graphic detail of my family let's just say they barely "get it" now.
    I think growing up our families were one of the biggest reasons for shoving all this deep, deep down inside for so long.

    Now the "Only transitions if you HAVE too"
    I think this truly is the "short version answer" and does tend to lose a lot in translation.

    First is the "Am I/Are you Transsexual" aspect which reminds me of an old quote [from who I forget] about Punk.
    [Horrid paraphrasing at its best here] This person was asked: "How does someone know if they're Punk or not?"
    The answer: "If you have to ask yourself, then you're not." Much like us, it's just something you know deep inside.

    But in us, a lot of times there is a stark difference between what we know to be true and accepting it.
    Once you have accepted it you then have a rather simple choice to make that has very complicated ramifications.

    Do you keep the status quo, continuing to play Male or do you come clean and start living as who you really are?
    Both of which can and do have serious fall out. The first one for you, the second for everyone around you.

    I think it is really more of a warning then anything else and thinly veiled as "Advice".
    I think the "You have to" part describes what you are about to do, and that is pulling the pin on a grenade.
    "You have to" be prepared to lose everybody and everything in your life.
    "You have to" be prepared for whole new Nightmare levels of shit to hit the fan.
    "You have to" be prepared to walk away from everything you thought you knew and start over.
    "You have to" be prepared for and realize this is not going to happen overnight.
    "You have to" realize that coming out isn't a fix all for everything else you may be going through.

    It doesn't always come to the transition or die stage, more like transition is more important then everything else stage.
    There comes the point in all of us when we can no longer jump on that grenade and shield our family from the shock wave.
    The point when all of it, and I mean ALL of it just doesn't matter to you anymore, that movie moment when the hero doesn't even glance back as they walk away and everything behind them goes up in a big fireball.


    PS: I would like to point out one VERY important thing about the above.
    I am NOT saying you WILL lose everything dear to you. Because that doesn't always happen.
    Just be PREPARED to have it all swept away in a nuclear blast.
    The best way to secure peace is to prepare for war.
    Last edited by Sammy777; 03-24-2015 at 08:57 AM. Reason: added the PS
    Warning: This post may contain up to 63% post consumer recycled Sarcasm ... or Peanuts."
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  4. #54
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    Those are terrific comments Sammy...it is lost in translation that this comment gets made much more to a group of people that are suffering and having trouble with all this.

    Eva...thnx for highlighting that you never had any trouble with all this...it was very helpful

  5. #55
    ghost Anne2345's Avatar
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    @Sammy: Very well stated.

    @EvaMarie: Some folk here ask you a few legitimate questions - all of which you either ignored, refused to answer, or just casually glossed over with little, if any substance - to which you now state thereafter that this is a "pointless argument?"

    A pointless argument??!! Are you serious???!!

    There is nothing pointless about any of this, EvaMarie. This is REAL life, and it MATTERS!!

    But what do I know, and who am I around here, anyways??

    For someone who just joined the forum, IMO, you have made some incredibly bold assertions which you have backed up with absolutely nothing.

    And for someone who claims she has the requisite "thick skin" to handle all of this, to blow this exercise off as "pointless" when questioned is entirely disingenuous of you at best. As for what it may be at its worst, I think that goes without saying . . . .

    I am not the forum's resident attack dog, EvaMarie. I have, however, asked you some fair questions, as has Kaitlyn and Rianna. The red flags that are buzzing all around are not of our making. Those red flags are your doing.

    The good news, though, is that you have the power to do something about that and to establish yourself and your credibility here.

    The ball is in your court. I personally hope you score a slam dunk and wow us all - because the more positive success stories around here and out in the real world the better. Such things serve each and every one of us well both individually and as a collective . . . .

  6. #56
    Aspiring Member Brooklyn's Avatar
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    When I find myself thinking about how I should have transitioned sooner, I tell myself that is anxiety talking. It may be true, but dwelling on that fact only brings me down. So many of us never transition, never get to be ourselves, only stay angry and depressed throughout life. Instead, I think about how freaking fortunate I am to live under all the right conditions to make transition possible, and how grateful I am to others who have paved the road before me (albeit with potholes). And I thank myself for having the courage to transition, instead of becoming self-destructive or even suicidal. Can I help someone else in the future just through my experience, perhaps? Maybe I can even set a good example and change some minds about transgender people and about staying true to oneself. I look at my two beautiful kids and ask myself, would I give them up to have a nicer hairline? The thought is absurd, of course. And if you’ve hung around enough early transitioners, you know life isn’t easy for them either. A friend of mine who is generally stealth now had a transition that makes me wonder how she made it out of her twenties alive. Many are disowned, homeless, cannot find work, assaulted, and victimized in countless ways.

    There is an old saying, “The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago, the second best time is now. Someone's sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree.”

    When people say “Only transition if you must”, it is simply cautionary. I have not met anyone who transitioned without a certain amount of loss. I almost lost my kids in court, I have suffered financially, I have lost friends, I have been assaulted, had trouble finding work, and I probably have it easy compared to some others. Every day is a struggle to pass as best I can. I may eventually leave Texas so I can have equal rights. I probably have spent 250 hours under the electrolysis probe. And still, there are many who snicker, or think I’m insane, or an abomination. Others don’t think I’m legit until after SRS. Clearly, no-one would want to go through all this and more if it wasn’t necessary, but it is worth it to me.
    Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

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