Recently "Came Out" to my Wife

[AussieJess]

Hi everyone, well, I've been dressing in girls/women's clothes since I was ~6 years old.
I've been with my wife for 10+ years, Married for 7+, and about a month ago, I told her that I, when ever I got the chance, was wearing her clothes.
She was stunned, and pretty much kept wondering how she had not seen/caught me, or found any evidence. I think she was most stunned over the fact I did washing, and cleaned up!
But, she was also, SUPER supportive, and comforting to me.
She asked me to show her right away. And I was pretty excited about the whole idea, which, although completely unexpected (I honestly thought it was going to be a mistake), was fantastic! She even helped pick what to wear for my big reveal.
Since then, she has bought me some Panties, Thigh-high's, some Bra's and other bits and pieces.
She has also began to understand me on a deeper level, where previously I may have just been "over reacting", now makes more sense to her. I also hope to get to understand her some more too.

I feel great that she has accepted my other side, and is open and warm about it.
I laid down some rules, and we both came to agreements, on frequency and suitability of my being dressed.

It's been the greatest last few week of my life, as I have been able to finally relax, and be myself around the person I most love.
I think, however, she might be struggling with that, I am more "girly" than she is (She's a Jeans/Singlet, Pants/Blouse, and Flats kind of girl, where I am all Skirts, Dresses, Tights and Heels), and was hoping that someone might be able to help me with the unsurety (<- not even a real word?) of it all for her.
TIA

XOXO - Jess

[vickim]

Big congratulations /hug

[mariecd]

Great so happy for you i have been crossdressing for 10 years with my wifes approval and go for quite drives and walks often we shop together (not dressed up) but feel so happy anyone in somerset area the same


Marie

[pamela7]

oh Jess that's such wonderful news,

I'd say be careful about pushing for too much too soon - my mistake.
I'd also say that my wife also wears the jeans/t-shirts by default, and getting her into skirts was always an uphill struggle. It helped to say "if you wont wear them then I will" in the sense of wanting more femininity in the joint life. It's okay to appear more girly - in the Winter - cos I can take being colder better - the summer will have to wait until we get there.

If you think she's struggling, ask her, talk about it, be open, be understanding, be empathetic.

hope this helps

xxx Pamela

[PaulaQ]

I think, however, she might be struggling with that, I am more "girly" than she is (She's a Jeans/Singlet, Pants/Blouse, and Flats kind of girl, where I am all Skirts, Dresses, Tights and Heels), and was hoping that someone might be able to help me with the unsurety (<- not even a real word?) of it all for her.

A lot of cis women struggle with this when dealing with a very feminine trans partner. Women have been sort of told, by society, that hyper feminine women are, prostitutes, sell outs to feminism, etc. Also, it can be a lot of work to present in a highly feminine manner, and not every woman enjoys doing that. All told, many cis women simply don't go all out on their presentation. Nobody says they have to - it's fine if they don't. (There is some irony that women were given a really rigid standard that they rebelled against - only to have it replaced by another rigid standard "don't be too feminine - it's a sign of repression!")

The actual answer here is that people - your wife included - need to be comfortable with who they are, as a person. Not who they are in relation to other people, but who they are. Unfortunately, in society in general, and for straight women in particular, I think, there is a tendency to define ourselves relative to others. (Especially our husbands - a lot of women, over time, subsume their identity into that of their husband's and their family. They are so busy giving to others that they simply stop being themselves - they don't have time for that!) I think this is human nature to a large extent, although it doesn't have to be this way.

Your wife's femininity didn't change one iota when you came out. I'm sure she is still all woman. However, relative to your presentation, hers seems relatively less feminine to her now. And that is uncomfortable for her, because it feels like she's somehow less than she was before, even though nothing about her has actually changed. It doesn't help that women are kind of set up by society to feel like they are destined to be "less than" others. (This is quite a cruel thing that is done to young women - they are set up to impossible standards, and when they don't meet them, they feel like failures.)

Anyway, lots of women end up feeling this way when they finally meet their trans spouse's other side.

This type of thing has led some women to call us "parodies of femininity." The thing is - nothing about our presentation in any way reflects on them - or it shouldn't anyway. You aren't asking them to present in a certain way - you are just doing so for yourself to express who you are.

I had something like this happen to me today. I met with a young woman, a therapist, who wanted to dedicate her career to working with transgender children. Well of course I'm all for that, and agreed to meet with her so that she could ask me questions about my experiences as a transgender person, because she was preparing a presentation for colleagues. She was smart, knowledgeable, and actually quite pretty. I thought she looked very feminine, in her jeans, top, jacket, and boots. Her makeup was kind of light - but she was young and pretty, and really didn't need much. She looked great!

But part way through the conversation, she kind of apologized about her nails. She told me she was trying to grow hers out, and had left them unpolished, and not well manicured. Mine were manicured and painted bright red. (I was in a dress, hose, full makeup - a fairly traditional feminine presentation, and I'm really girly in terms of mannerisms and stuff.) I never even noticed her nails, to be honest, but she sure noticed mine, and it seems to have bothered her a little. Clearly, she felt a little self-conscious about that. I don't think I did anything directly to make her feel that way, but she seems to have been just a little insecure about that. This woman had nothing to feel insecure about compared to me, trust me - she really was quite a lovely young woman, yet that's how she felt, at least a bit. Perhaps I said something completely inadvertently that she took as a criticism. I sure hope not! If I did, I sure didn't mean it.

My point is, that this woman had known me for all of 20 minutes in person, plus a like amount of time on the phone prior to our meeting. I meant very little to her, yet she reacted as she did. (I know it's a silly example.) So just imagine how much more intense such feelings could be to your wife. She's never had to compare herself to you in terms of feminine presentation. Perhaps now she does though - and that changes everything, at least relative to one another in terms of gender expression.

I also think that a lot of us judge ourselves quite harshly, and then assume others see the same flaws we obsess over, even when they don't. So perhaps your wife is doing that.

The kinds of things I think you could try to help her with this would be to point out that you think she is very beautiful, and very feminine, and that she's totally the woman in the relationship. You just dress like one sometimes - but that doesn't change the wonderful, lovely, sexy, feminine woman that she is. (I hate putting it in those terms, because they are so couched in heteronormative cis sexist ideas - but I think most straight cis people would probably understand them.)

You can also point out that she can wear jeans and a t-shirt and nobody will think she's a man. Before you look anything like a woman, I expect you need quite a bit more than that - because you in just jeans and a t-shirt would look like, well, you presenting as a male. So if you are going to try to pull this off, it takes more for you to get not nearly the effect she gets, because she has a female body, and you don't.

By the way, she may not be self-conscious about this at all, but feel you look ridiculous, or that you are a parody of women, or simply be worried that she's losing her man. In short she may be uncomfortable about this part of you on some level, even though overall she's quite supportive. She might worry that others will find out. Some negative feelings about all this wouldn't be too surprising.

Be patient - it does take some getting used to, having a trans spouse. And talk to her and ask her how she feels about all of it. Open a dialog, and hopefully she'll talk about her feelings.

[Marcelle]

Hi Jess,

Congrats on the big reveal. My recommendation now is to take things slowly and keep the communication lines open to ensure both you and your lovely wife are continuing in a comfort zone.

Hugs

Isha

[cdncdwife]

As a GG who also just found out about my husbands CD, I can totally relate. I feel much more self-conscious about my appearance (clothes, shaving legs) etc than I did before. I'm also a very casual dresser and my husband, like most CDers, dresses more girly than I do. If she'd like to chat I'd be happy to share my experiences so far. My advice to you is to treat her like your fashion and shopping pro, make her feel extra loved and secure in your relationship, and do special things together so that she will feel less insecure. For me finding out was both shocking and a bit of a challenge to my sense of womanhood, but it's gotten better. I totally understand the uncertainty she feels, and you can help her with that

[AlanaG]

A lot of cis women struggle with this when dealing with a very feminine trans partner..

Paula, what a wonderful post. You've opened my eyes to things I've never thought about and it makes perfect sense. Our last trip to the thrift shop where I buy 95% of my clothing she actually bought a skirt. You could have knocked me over with a feather! She is in jeans and a t-shirt just about all the time, and I couldn't tell you how long it's been since I've seen her wear a skirt (we've been married 41 years). She hasn't been too keen on my female attire. I'm going to be showing this to my wife.

[kimdl93]

First, congratulations on being honest and well received. Now, to the last thing...I know the dresses, skirts, tights etc are the physical manifestations of femininity to many CDrs. But rather than feel you're making your wife uncomfortable, why not try to shoot for a more casual presentation most days....mirror her choices to the extent you can.

[AussieJess]

Thank you all... Your kind words are certainly helping me bring a bit of clarity to my time. Firstly, I think I am taking things slow. I dress maybe 4-5 evenings a week. I am pretty sure we are on the same page I try and regularly ask how she feels.
I think that I mirror her quite a bit. She sometimes wears a T shirt dress, with tights, and that's one of my favourite things to wear, they're just so comfy! We have about 6 or 7 between us that we share.
Our communication is pretty solid at the moment, so hopefully we can keep it up!

Tasks again every one for your support!

XOXO - Jess

[SamanthaSometimes]

Welcome to the forum and I'm so glad the revelation turned out so amazingly well! I can only imagine the relief it must be to truly be yourself in your wife's presence. You are indeed very fortunate. It's good that you are so perceptive in regards to what your wife MAY be thinking about not dressing feminine enough to "keep up with you" and getting thoughts and opinions about that here before having such discussions with your wife is wise - but not a replacement for actually having the discussion with her.
Now more to your question: I rarely wear a suit and tie. I don't need to wear them to feel like a man. I can feel like a man in jeans and a t shirt. She doesn't need to wear a dress or skirt to feel like a woman. She can feel like a woman in jeans and a t shirt. However, for me to feel more feminine, it helps me to wear something that is explicitly and unambiguously female like a dress or skirt. Perhaps explaining to her that there is no competition about who can dress and look the most feminine would be helpful. You simply need more of the obvious female 'clues' in your presentation to help overcome your more masculine traits.

[DonnaT]

My wife rarely, very rarely, wears a dress or skirt. When I dress, usually at home around her, I don't wear a wig, makeup or breast forms. Thus she doesn't see me as being girly, or more girly(not words I'd use around her), but just sees her husband in clothes I feel more comfortable in.

[Suzie Petersen]

Hi Jess,

Sounds like you are off to a good start and that is wonderful to hear!

You should read Paula's post a couple times, it has some good advise and insight in it!

And now .. go take a cold shower!!

Firstly, I think I am taking things slow. I dress maybe 4-5 evenings a week.

Noooo!!!!!!! If that is your definition of slow ... what would pushing it be like? Brest implants tomorrow and SRS next week?
Slow is like: Dont dress at all for a month, then ask her if she is OK with you putting on a few items one evening, like a long skirt OR a pair of shoes OR put on nail polish OR .. (note the OR's !!) Stay away from makeup, wigs, big boobies etc, things that dramatically change your appearance. In the mean time, let it sink in for her, let her see that you are still you and didnt turn into Madonna overnight. Let her realize the safety and stability of your family is still there and that this new thing is nothing to worry about.
Spend that time communicating with her about it, but make sure that you give her the chance to initiate the talk some of the time. If she doesnt, then that is an indicator you will have to consider. It is a sign she is not necessarily all that thrilled and might be hoping it can be ignored away. Find ways to show her how this can be a good thing for her! More attention to Her needs, Pamper her a Little more, Do the dishes! Be more willing to be part of Her life. Show her there is something in it for her as well.

If she didnt have any idea there was this side to you, then nomatter what she says to you, she is going through a lot of feelings and a lot of pondering right now. Nomatter what you told her as for why you like it, she is going to have to consider all the other possibilities of why too. A lot of which are a direct threat to her position as the Alfa female in the family, to her future and to her kids.

She may or may not do some research. If she doesnt then that is another not so good indicator. If she does, then that is a minefield and chances are she will first come across some of all the filth on the Internet. Warn her about that, offer to guide her to relevant information and tell her where you fit in and where you dont. First step in that is to ask yourself if You know where you fit in?
One of the classic traps for new players, is to paint her a picture of what this means, that it isnt a big deal and that you can stop anytime etc. CD's first telling their SO's often downplay it in a hope of easier acceptance. Then, later you turn it up a notch and now you want to buy breast forms or something. She's gonna be like: But, I thought it was just pantyhose? Is it getting worse? Whats wrong with My breasts? Not good enough? Does he want to grow his own?

Standard thing is "I will never leave the house, Ever" and then, sometime later "Well It is just this one time, meeting some friends!" So, what she sees is that it is now escalating, so either that was your plan the whole time and you lied to her, or you dont have control over it yourself! If so, what is next?

So anyway, I could go on and others might pitch in as well, but just be careful. Just because her initial reaction was not negative, it doesnt mean she is perfectly happy about having a transgendered husband all of a sudden. You are on very very thin ice right now, stop jumping up and down! And .. get in that shower!

Hugs
Suzie

[Beverley Sims]

Jess,
A word of my advice.....
I would say tone it down a little, wear jeans and a top this looks good until she gets used to those mammary glands poking out in front.
Heels and nice dresses are for going out these days, keep makeup and perfume to a minimum.
Think of a hot shower, you start it warm and when you get used to it turn on the heat.
A similar thing with your wife, let her get used to it first.

Maybe this is the week to go to the Mardigras if you live in Sydney.
You will meet a lot of extremes and realise that is how you don't want to be perceived by your wife.

[Nadya]

Congratulations! It sounds like it was a big relief for you. It's important to have those ground rules so that you both can be happy. Being with someone that knows and supports you has really helped me come to terms with it and I hope that you'll have a lot of fun with your wife as you explore your feminine side. I am kind of the same boat as I tend to be more girly that my fiancé. She dresses more for comfort but I dress more for what I think is a fun style (lots of dresses with colorful tights).

[MissTee]

Hey Jess,
Congrats on coming clean and for having a supportive wife. It will help you to keep communicating frequently, and to be open to any and every question she may have regardless of how "out there" some questions may be. She's just trying to understand it all.

My wife will not buy dresses and skirts for herself. She prefers that I buy them for her. She tells me I have a better eye for those things. In reality, I think she enjoys that I shop for her and that I make a big fuss over her trying stuff on. I really help her feel special in the process. Her body language says it all as she does the style walk for me when I've picked her out something she loves. The twirly skirts put her over the top.

We've been together for many, many years and are among the more fortunate to have learned how to make this weirdness we call CD-ing work. More to the point we've learned how to use it to strengthen our relationship. Doing that takes work and commitment, as well as open and honest communication.

Good luck to you and your wife!

[AussieJess]

Lol, many a cold showers have been had believe me!
I cant thank you ladies enough for your input, and I am still trying to absorb it all. I think I will try to tone it down. She doesn't mind if I under dress, and I think that's a good place to start, at least its not in her face, and I'm still satisfied with my feelings.
I will keep reading through this thread until I am convinced I have absorbed it all.
Unfortunately I live in Melbourne and I'm not traveling anytime soon. Thank you all again.
XOXO - Jess

[Suzanne F]

Jess
I am happy that you came out! What a relief, huh? I came out to my wife about 2 years ago. I had a similar situation as my wife is a jeans and boot kind of girl. She exudes cool! I however am more girly. When I first came out I almost always wore skirts or a dress when going out. Yes I was one of those who had to immediately venture out!

Many here know that it has been a good but tough journey. My wife was knocked off balance but has recovered. She knows that we are different women. I enjoy fashion more then she does. That means nothing about her femininity. Of course I have had to make sure to concentrate on her and her beauty. At times my transition has overshadowed her needs. But we keep trying and tonight things are good!

As I am out in the world most of the time as a woman my attire has changed. I have learned from my wife how to wear cool jeans and boots. I may be a little more flashy but still I am now comfortable. I dress for the occasion now. I have found my footing as the woman I am not the woman I thought I should be. I am so grateful my wife has helped me through this discovery.

Hope this makes some sense! It is late.
Suzanne

[ReineD]

I think, however, she might be struggling with that, I am more "girly" than she is (She's a Jeans/Singlet, Pants/Blouse, and Flats kind of girl, where I am all Skirts, Dresses, Tights and Heels), and was hoping that someone might be able to help me with the unsurety (<- not even a real word?) of it all for her.

I am a GG and I have spoken to many other GGs over the years. I can tell you how I and other GGs have actually felt.

I am also just like your wife: jeans, pants, sweaters, & flats on my own time. I do wear skirts and dresses at work for a professional look, but I take them off as soon as I get home. I don't wear much makeup. And I have to say that I always feel feminine, even when I'm doing yard work.

When I first met my SO, she was into gauzy, flowery dresses, sweaters with frilly trim, peplum tops, very feminine shoes, sparkly tops, etc. Her style has toned down somewhat because she goes out often and she doesn't want to stand out, but she still dresses one or two notches in terms of fanciness above the average GG in our casual, small town.

I can say that I have NEVER struggled nor felt threatened by the fact that my SO dresses more "girly" than me. I say "dresses" and not "is", because a particular style of clothing is just one of many styles available. The styles only reflect someone's tastes, their sense of aesthetics, and do not fundamentally change who they are. Some people like frills and flounces, while others think these things are gaudy. I personally dislike the color pink, so I do not think it looks attractive on others. Take the hottest model on the runway, and put her in a pair of jeans and a sweater with her hair in a ponytail, and you will not take away one ounce of her beauty. Likewise, take an angular, square-ish, sporty woman, the type that wouldn't be caught dead in makeup, and put her in a dress. This will not change who she is.

Some wives (not all) do initially feel threatened with the CDing, but after they've had time to determine why exactly, they discover it is because they feel they need to compete with the CDing for their husband's attention. I went through that. I went through a period of getting a knot in my stomach every time my SO got and wore her new clothes, not because of the style of the clothes, but because I wanted my SO's eyes to light up for me like they did for the clothes. And so I went through a phase of changing the way I dressed to a way that I thought would light up his eyes. Also, I had been in a long-term marriage where my non-CD ex enjoyed seeing feminine things on me more than on himself, and I grieved the loss of that. I'll try to explain: I think that many women appreciate holding the woman's place in their relationships if they are hetero and one role of this "place" is being the one who is appreciated for being feminine. This is how we are wired. If this makes sense. I've never been able to explain this in terms that CDers could understand.

Last, we have had wives in the past who struggled with their weight, and whose husbands were tall and slim. Some of these wives have said they were jealous of their husband's bodies. This is understandable, if a woman is not happy with her body. The comment relates to her own negative body image which is mostly caused by the beauty ideals in the media, not her husband being "more feminine" than she is. These women fundamentally know that they are women. The threat stems from the belief that their husbands appreciate their own slim figures when dressed, more than their wives' bodies and how the wives look in their clothes.

So my best advice is to continue to appreciate your wife's looks and style, let her know that you think she is beautiful, and try to not to place too much time and emphasis on your own looks.

[leannejacobs]

I'm happy for you but not wanting to appear negative but don't get too comfortable with this, I told my wife a couple of years ago and she did find it hard to deal with to start with, she slowly came round and seemed to be embracing it, to a similar point where she would buy me things to wear, however, every now and again she would turn against it and tell me she's tried but can't deal with it.
I'm now at a point where I can no longer dress in front of her, she accepts it's still something I need to do but our youngest son has now moved back in with us and I find it impossible to get the time I need to dress.

An underlying issue with her dislike is that when I dress I'm very shapely and dare I say it more feminine than her, she is jealous of my appearance and that's a fact, she's all woman and I love her to bits, she is carrying some extra pounds which is making her feel a little insecure.
My way forward?? Not sure,,, I work away and can dress the night before I go off but it's not enough to satisfy my needs.

My point is don't get carried away with this early acceptance, it may change, I hope it doesn't but it might so just tread carefully.

[Teresa]

Jess,
I'm glad it went well for you as others have said let the dust settle and see how she is after a few days, if you have to back pedal a little try and go with it ! One thing I've heard from my wife is it's not all about you , so consider other problems she may be thinking about !

Paula, Your reply does need reading a couple of times because there are several points that I may not have thought about ! My wife knows I use some of her discards but if she thinks I look as good or make more of an effort she may be upset not just because of my CDing ! Your example goes to show what women are thinking or notice even in a work situation !

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jess, Now that the ball is in her court go easy and just don't overwhelm her .

[meganmartin]

That is great that you have come out, only advice I can offer.
Give her time to come with terms with this new thing.
Always keep the dialog open and allow her to speak freely.

[CONSUELO]

------ The threat stems from the belief that their husbands appreciate their own slim figures when dressed, more than their wives' bodies and how the wives look in their clothes. ----

.

Wise words from ReineD. I have long believed that we cross dressers have a very strong narcissistic tendency.

[CountessVF]

That's all pretty awesome that she's accepting you. My wife first thought it meant I was gay or wanted to hack off my tools. Now she's a lot more chill about it and understands that it's a fun distraction for me, not a way of life. She has sat and looked at catalogs with me, which was surreal and super fun.

Anyhoo, congrats and good luck. Don't forget to let her be the prettiest thing in the world tho, it can dent their willingness to participate if they actually feel less pretty than their man in drag.