Hi all,
DISCLAIMER: While I know some do not like the term SO, I am using it as a catch all for people irrespective of the person being your wife, girl friend, boy friend, husband . . . it just makes it easier. So sorry for any offence taken.
I have been noticing quite a few posts from folks who have recently come out to their SOs with things going swimmingly only to have it all fall off the rails prompting advice sought from the community. One of the common denominators I find in a lot of these posts is the communication or lack there of. So I thought in an effort to help those who may be in that place, I would discuss communication based on my own experience mixed with much I have learned from the many great people here . Okay, okay . . . I shamelessly admit I just like to write and since I have not done so in awhile it gives me the opportunity to jump on the soapbox But seriously, it is an important part of disclosure to your SOs and one that gets talked about as secondary order effect but not the topic of a post. Please note that this is not about "telling your SO" but more about where you go from that point. Feel free to add to the discussion based on your own experience but, I am also interested in hearing from GGs who have experienced this journey from the opposite side of the fence.
So . . . the proverbial cat is now out of the bag and the elephant in the room is securely seated in the arm chair opposite you sipping politely on a mint julep . . . you have told your SO that you cross dress.
Naturally, there is going to be a "waiting to exhale" moment as your SO processes what you just said and then reacts. In most cases it is going to go one of a few ways (1) "I understand completely", hugs all around, "Let's get your girl on"; (2) a curt "I see" followed by silence then a barrage of questions; (3) silence followed by retreat to the safety of a room; or (4) non acceptance on any level usually accompanied by yelling, fighting and whatnot. Nope, not the only reactions but others tend to be variations of these themes. So where does that leave you? Well depending on the outcome, it can leave you twisting in the wind or not. However, in either case communication is going to be a key ingredient to move the disclosure forward.
Timing for communication will vary depending the outcome. If your SO is fully supportive from the outset you can commence the discussion almost immediately. However, even then you might want to keep things light and respond to questions without getting too wrapped up in minutia details. For example you might want to talk about what dressing means to you and not get mired in what types of undies you prefer to wear or that you would like to get breast forms right away. Initial conversations should help alleviate your SOs concerns and help them to better understand what this means to you. If your SO has gone to silent mode or you just had a huge argument . . . give them room. Let cooler heads prevail and then come at it in a day or so starting off with something like "I know what I disclosed was a lot to drop on you but I would really like to discuss this a bit further if you are willing" The key is to get the discussion on the table and move forward. Ignoring it will only go bad for both of you and likely wind up in a heated debate. Naturally this has to be balanced with sensitivity to your SO wanting space and time but that is something you can work on together to find a mutually agreed upon time to discuss.
Dos and Don'ts
This is based on my own experience and some may have other feelings on these so please do share. Initial conversation(s) will have themes (e.g., are you gay, do you want a sex change, do you want to go out) which represent the foundation of all future conversations about your dressing. So some personal dos and don'ts I have discerned both in my own conversations and from people here:
Do ask your SO if they have any questions: It is no good to drop this tidbit of information, let it sit out there then say "We're good then" and walk away. Your SO is going to have questions, so let them ask those questions and always let them know they can ask you anything at any time.
Do be honest in your responses: The cat is already out the bag so you don't really have anything to hide. If your SO asks you a question be honest in your response. If you don't know, say so. For example if your SO asks do you plan to go out of the house dressed and you are not 100 percent sure you have no desire to do so, say "At this point no, but I am not sure about the future as I am still trying to find myself as well. What I can tell you is if I should decide to do so, I will definitely have that discussion with you"
Do allow your SO time to process your conversation(s): Don't always expect an immediate "thumbs up" on everything you are telling your SO. It may take time to process and if your SO cannot give you the "nod" on something you said, table it for discussion later. Specifically, don't force the issue.
Don't make promises you know you can't keep: This kind of goes hand in hand with the "be honest". I have found that some are so fixated on getting concessions for dressing (in any way) that they will promise the moon knowing full well they cannot. So they promise not to do something only to try and covertly push the issue later. For example, "I promise not to go out dressed in public", knowing full well they already have and will continue to do so on the sly. This will never go well should your SO find out and will most likely sabotage any mutual gains made.
Don't make it all about you: I know it seems kind of counter-intuitive since you are the one disclosing this information. However there are two people who are going to have to navigate this journey and both need to be considered.
Don't act like a petulant child if you don't get your way: I am not trying to be harsh but if you are going to stomp your feet and say things like "that's not fair" or "fine, I'll just throw everything out and be miserable" that will accomplish nothing. Take what your SO is saying as a potential boundary of how far they are willing to go and capitalize on it to open dialogue. For example, if it is important for you to have that concession, look for a mutual compromise. "Okay, I am fine with not going out in public in case some of our friends see me but how about if I were to travel to a place where nobody knows me, would that work?".
It is about compromise . . . not demands
Inevitably the conversation will spin in "How is this going to work"? Specifically what you want to do (e.g., underdress, make-up/no make-up, full dressing, going out). Again there are two people involved and no one party (the CDer or the SO) should be holding all the cards. If one party is making all the demands and the other party all the concessions, it will go badly at some juncture as the one making all the concessions will become bitter, resentful and things will explode. Talk about everything and come to an accord on what you can both live with or live without. This is dependent on you and your SO and everyone will be different. For example, my wife has no issues with me dressing when I want so long as it doesn't impinge on agreed upon plans. So if I decided to dress one day (nothing else on the go) I just do so, I don't ask permission or request the honor to do so as we have agreed it is my decision. However, if I plan to out myself to a mutual friend then we discuss it prior as she has requested a veto depending on the mutual friend . . . I agreed to that. The end state is that boundaries, rules, guidelines or whatever you prefer to call them need to be mutually agreed upon to have any value. In addition, all boundaries should be open to renegotiation should things change. This is not just for the CDer but for the SO as well should their feelings of support change.
Communication is not a one time thing
The process of communication is an ongoing thing. For example my wife I started or initial conversation when I first came out and that was followed by many others as we negotiated boundaries, renegotiated and educated one another. We still take one day a month (down from once a week initially) to discuss all things CD. It just helps to keep the dialogue option open and while many times we have nothing to discuss other times we do.
Misinterpreting moods, silence and whatnot
As humans we are emotional creatures and various things affect our mood. I know I can have a bad day at work and come home all sullen and silent and the same can be said about others. However, should your SO come home while you happen to be in "full on girl mode" and go silent and moody don't naturally assume they are upset with your CDing. While that may be the case, it could also be just as likely that they had a bad day at work and are just trying to vent. Shake it off, then simply ask "if there is anything you can do". If it is just a bad day, then help your SO work through it. If it does have something to do with CDing, then you need to get back to the fundamentals of communication and work through it. On the return side, should you get sullen and moody about something which has nothing to do with your CDing or agreed upon boundaries, let your SO know so they don't think you are upset about your agreements.
Communication is about education
You have to admit, this is a lot for an SO to swallow and your communication should always aim to educate what it means to you and how you see it fitting into your relationship. This goes both ways as you need to listen to your SO to ensure you are in tune with their needs when it comes to the relationship.
When things go bad
It is probable that you could be moving in a rapid forward direction with dressing then all of sudden your SO's acceptance comes completely off the rails. Should this occur . . . take a deep breath, calm things down and begin the communication process again. This may mean reevaluation of boundaries or simple reassurance. Regardless, don't let it twist in the wind and rationally discuss how to move forward from there. Bear in mind though, at the end of the day should an impasse be reached and neither can compromise this is where the viability of the relationship needs to be examined as sometimes it can be a bridge too far for either party to cross.
Hugs
Isha