Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 25 of 28

Thread: A moment with Dad

  1. #1
    Member Ilsa's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Location
    Central Part of the Empire State
    Posts
    193

    A moment with Dad

    I've been spending a lot of time with my father lately, transporting him from place to place and thus we've had many a conversation. Yesterday when taking him to the doctor (He's 89 and suffered a stroke five years ago.) I had a most poignant conversation with him about his childhood. He told me about my grandmother and how, after she gave birth to my uncle, she longed for a girl and when he was born she was disappointed to the point that she forced him to dress as a girl up until it became obvious that he wasn't.

    After seeing his sadden expression and the tone in his voice when he spoke of this I would find it very hard to tell him who I really am.

    So I'm having a bit of a conflict with myself that every time I dress that I am disappointing my father, being his only son amongst two daughters. The other part of it is; that I am subconsciously inflicting further pain upon him reminding him of a time in his life he would sooner forget.

    So I remain hidden to this day with the exception of this board for which I am thankful. Because otherwise I'd have no outlet.

    As Always,

    Ilsa

  2. #2
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Location
    n.texas
    Posts
    401
    when i told my mom about teresa cheryl,she told me she already knew,and then went on to tell me she dressed me as a girl for the first two yrs of my life,and then went to tell me i made a cute girl/woman. that answered alot of questions.

  3. #3
    Gone to live my life
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Posts
    6,552
    Hi Ilsa,

    Sometimes not everyone needs to know. Now I am out to everyone in my family with the exception of my mother who is now 75 and starting to demonstrate some early onset senility. I have discussed this side of me with my sisters and they are very supportive but we all agree that nothing would be gained by telling my mother. I am the only boy in my extended family . . . imagine family get-togethers with my entire generational cohort (17 children) all female with the exception of me. My mom lost my dad when I was very young and I was always "you father's son" in her eyes. Does she need to know? I guess some might argue that I am chickening out by not telling her but again I have to ask what is to be gained. I know my mother loves me for who I am (believe me I was not an easy child growing up) . . . however she is starting to slip into senility and to be honest, I am not sure she would fully understand at this juncture.

    I know it is not the same situation as you but I just wanted to state that sometimes not everyone needs to know.

    Hugs

    Isha

  4. #4
    Adventuress Kate Simmons's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    The Poconos PA
    Posts
    18,971
    And we are glad that you are here to share with us Ilsa.
    Second star to the right and straight on till morning

  5. #5
    Martini Girl Katey888's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    Old Hampshire, UK
    Posts
    5,271
    Dear Ilsa...

    I believe you should feel quite content that you have been the son he surely wanted and that probably any remembered pain is so long ago it has probably dimmed to virtually nothing, and that having remained hidden you have nothing to be ashamed of or feel that your behaviour is somehow disappointing because it isn't. We all make choices and yours has been to choose to bear responsibility for your secrecy - in some ways a lot harder than being open.

    I'm sure you'll come to treasure those conversations however poignant they may seem...

    Katey x
    "Put some lipstick on - Perfume your neck and slip your high heels on
    Rinse and curl your hair - Loosen your hips, and get a dress to wear"
    Stefani Germanotta

  6. #6
    Senior Member Bria's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Location
    Kansas City
    Posts
    1,237
    Ilsa, I know that its sometimes hard to deal with elderly parents, the role reversal is not easy, at least it wasn't for me. As my father aged his problem solving ability diminished and it took me a while to realize what was happening, I mean shouldn't my Dad be just as he always was even though he is 90

    Please cherish the time that you have left with your father, at his age it can't be a lot of years. I don't see that there is a great need for your father to need to know about Ilsa, please don't beat up on yourself for not telling him. His generation has not had the opportunity to have any understanding of our little? hobby.

    My parents both passed away a number of years before I found Bria and so I didn't have to problem that you face. I wish you good luck as you deal with your feelings of disappointing your father.

    I'll remember you in my prayers.

    Hugs, Bria

  7. #7
    Member Ilsa's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Location
    Central Part of the Empire State
    Posts
    193
    I suspect that my mother knew about Ilsa, but knowing my father's childhood she didn't tell him.

  8. #8
    New "old" girl Suzie Petersen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    I am lost, and I like it. Don't find me!
    Posts
    1,044
    Ilsa,

    I think you are doing the right thing in not telling your father and I dont believe you can conclude that you are disappointing your father by your actions when he doesnt know about it. We all have things in out lives that our parents would disagree with, and sometimes it is better not to let them in on those things to protect them.

    As people get older, things around them have different impacts than they used to have. One thing is that the busy life they used to have, with work and other commitments, has not slowed down and little things gets the focus instead. The high points of the day might be the meals, what is on TV and thinking about the past or the family. The other thing that happen is that people, especially men, tend to get more emotional. Men who were seen as very strong in the past can suddenly cry for even the smallest thing and they get concerned about details that otherwise would have been left to sort themselves out.

    If your father already have memories that are saddening to him related to gender roles, I really dont think you need to bring it up at this time.

    Enjoy all the time you have with him, and make it as enjoyable for him as you can too.

    Hugs
    Suzie

  9. #9
    Aspiring Member JeanetteX's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2015
    Location
    not far from Amsterdam, Netherlands
    Posts
    613
    Hi Ilsa,

    I guess I'm in the same boat as you except my father would never accept because of his religious beliefs. But like you I have also had that dilemma...on the one hand I'd love to tell him the truth about the real me, on the other I just know he wouldn't accept and I don't wanna destroy the wonderful relationship we have nowadays (we had a lot of bad times in the past). So I have now decided not to tell and leave things as they are.

  10. #10
    Multi-Blogger Barbara Black's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    Northeast Wisconsin
    Posts
    1,942
    I have the same reservations about revealing myself to my father, also the only son he has out of four kids. I never told him and I am glad that it never really came up, in case it would have been disappointing to him. I won't ever know now what he would have thought about it, but it wouldn't have been worth the possible consequences if they were negative.

  11. #11
    Senior Member JocelynJames's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Location
    MA
    Posts
    1,336
    My dad never knew about Joss either and I'm sure would not approve. I feel that somethings are done for yourself and not for others. For me , dressing is one of those things. I don't really need anyone's approval. Would it make things easier if nobody cared or even more people helped - sure. But I think it's the things that are difficult and have to be worked at that make them appreciated more. Dressing is one of those things for me. Your experience may vary. A little bit about me- I had 5 brothers and no sisters.
    Last edited by JocelynJames; 03-24-2015 at 10:42 AM.
    If you only knew the power of the pink fog! ~Joss

  12. #12
    Junior Member Candee's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Location
    Wilsonville, Oregon
    Posts
    80
    Hi Ilsa,
    First of all I wouldn't tell dad about your cd's. Just enjoy the time you have with him. I lost my dad years ago and miss him dearly. None of my family knows about my cd and I come from a large family of females as I've got 9 sisters and I'm the only guy since my dad passed.
    I take care of my mom and enjoy spending time with her whenever I can. I would never tell my mom about my cd's as I feel it would disappoint her.
    Don't beat yourself up about cd's. Be yourself....
    Candee

  13. #13
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Western Washington
    Posts
    14,303
    There is nothing to gain by revealing your cross dressing to your dad. From the usage of the term "forced him to dress as a girl" suggests to me that it was traumatizing to him. At 89 that is a memory I'm sure he wishes he did not have. I don't think your inflicting any pain on him. If he does not know of your cross dressing I would not fret. Even if he knows of your cross dressing I'm sure he has weighed cross dressing against the entire person you are. And, to be hidden from the rest of the world I would only say to do what makes you comfortable. There is no reason to shout from the roof tops.

    PS: I like you avatar picture.

  14. #14
    Senior Member JocelynJames's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Location
    MA
    Posts
    1,336
    I have to say, I like all the responses so far in this thread. What a great group!
    If you only knew the power of the pink fog! ~Joss

  15. #15
    Senior Member Nikkilovesdresses's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2014
    Location
    The lingerie dept.
    Posts
    1,848
    You don't think your dad was subtly trying to tell you something, either about himself or about a deeper insight into you than you suppose? I wonder why he would choose to tell you such a thing otherwise? Perhaps it's safest to let any further thoughts come from him.

    Thanks for the thread- you and your dad have a rare connection in my experience.
    I used to have a short attention spa

  16. #16
    Gold Member DonnaT's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Northern Virginia
    Posts
    6,608
    Was your dad's sadness because of what he was forced to do, or because his mother stopped dressing him as a girl?
    DonnaT

  17. #17
    Senior Member KellyJameson's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Posts
    1,491
    He may feel unloved and unwanted by his mother. Many mothers have problems with boys because they "don't know what to do with them" Boy energy is often so different from girl energy and it makes relating to each other potentially difficult.

    You could give your father a precious gift by helping him understand this. It may not be that she did not love him but more that she loved him but did not know how to relate to him and it was from this place where he felt "unloved"

    I completely understand why many mothers would want a daughter. This is not to take away from sons who many mothers love even more than they do their daughters. It comes down to the woman that becomes a mother and has little to do with the child as a failing or inadequacy on their part.

    Look at all the conflict between men and women. Much of this conflict comes out of the inherent differences between men and women. These same differences are of course going to affect mother/son relations yet interestingly enough often the most highly conflicted relationships are between mother and daughter.

    Talking about crossdressing may confuse him but talking about your genuine feelings for him and allowing yourself to be emotionally vulnerable may help make up for what he missed out in childhood.

    It is very important to recognize that parents are human and being human they are far from perfect. Help your Dad see this about his mother so he does not make it all about him and so than is able to humanize her. Sometimes we expect to much from parents and forget they have their own problems and weaknesses.

    I work with the elderly and I have noticed how unresolved issues from the past seem to often come back and haunt them as they near the end of life.
    The Psychology of Conformity
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARGczzoPASo

    Mars brain, Venus brain: John Gray at TEDxBend
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuM7ZS7nodk

  18. #18
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    Lowestoft UK. Beverley was here.
    Posts
    30,955
    Ilsa,
    What has remained unsaid for all these years should probably continue.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  19. #19
    Lisa Allisa's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    s.nj near Berlin
    Posts
    3,198
    Ilsa I can relate to you dilemma, my mother is 93 and has dementia, we lost my father when I was 9 and I am a reminder of him to her so no need to tell her but I feel that I should come clean before she no longer exists on this earthly plane but on the other hand the disappointment may be too much for her and cause pain the one thing I do not want. I am her only son out of 3 girls, how do I take that away from her this late in her life. There is that guilt of not being truthful to her before she is gone.
    "you are a strange species and there are many out there;shall I tell you what I find beautiful about you ,you are at your best when things are at their worst" ...[ Starman]
    It may of course be a bit disturbing to sense that one is really not so firmly anchored to the gender one was born into.

  20. #20
    Senior Member MissTee's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Location
    Deep South
    Posts
    1,504
    Ilsa, I can relate. I have a Mom in her early eighties. Lots of baggage from her childhood and I would not want to alienate her with my story. Best of luck to you!

  21. #21
    Reality Check
    Join Date
    Feb 2014
    Posts
    8,842
    Well, my mother dressed me as a girl also. I've always thought that might be part of the reason I dress today.

  22. #22
    Aspiring drama queen Isabella Ross's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Location
    BC
    Posts
    1,658
    A contrary reply to others on I've read on this thread: I agonized for a year about whether or not to tell my aging parents (both in their 80s). One side of me wanted desperately to tell them...the rationale being how can I accept myself if I'm living a lie with respect to the people I love. The other side doubted if they would ever accept...my mother from a farming background, my father from a military background. In the end, I told. Am I ever glad I did. It's like years of subterfuge have been shed like so much dead skin. Not only did they accept, they seem to understand. Our relationship has never been better...so important as they don't have a lot of time left. My two cents.

  23. #23
    New Member RedFourteen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2015
    Posts
    17
    My father is a tough guy, very commanding and a figure of authority. He scared the hell out of me when I was a kid all the time... there was a general feeling of terror in my house for years.

    I told my father about the cross dressing as it related to another incident from childhood...

    We had a housekeeper when I was in my early teens. At that time I was getting into my mother's clothes, the ones she had placed in storage and removing them to my secret hiding place. I remember my parents talking one night about letting the housekeeper go because they thought she was stealing my mom's clothes. The housekeeper stopped coming shortly after.

    For years I forgot about it but then later in life I began to reflect on it. I felt so terrible for letting someone take the rap for something I had done that I confessed to both my parents what had been going on.

    To my genuine surprise both parents were truly concerned about my well being, the last thing I would ever have expected. It just shows you that you never know what the outcome will be. Truly a terrifying thing to expose ones self about such a vulnerable thing to ones parents though!

  24. #24
    Silver Member Amy Lynn3's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    2,161
    Ilsa, You have gotten plenty of good advise and I can only add this for you to consider. Isabella hit on what I am about to say and I'm glad she did. I was still in High School and my Father became very ill and a few years later died. I can say, without a doubt my Father loved me unconditionally. Had I had an opportunity to tell him about Amy, I know nothing would have changed between us. He loved me so much, that I know if I wanted to walk around in a clown suit 24/7 he would have been fine with that. He always supported me in what ever I did and now that I have a son and grandson I know why he did love and approve of me.

    I speak as one who loves his son the way my Father did me and if he ever told me he liked to crossdress I would say okay, and now lets go fishing like we always have. The only thing that will ever change between my son and I is, I will love him more, as the years go by.

    Ilsa, you may want to bring the subject up again, by reminding him of the story he told you, concerning his Mom dressing him as a girl. Say, to him, that you know of some men who really like dressing and ask him how does he think the fathers of those men feel. I'm not saying you should tell him, but his reply will give you an idea where he is, on this issue.

  25. #25
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Posts
    1,207
    Ilsa,if it was Me at this stage of life I'd say let sleeping dogs lie. Enjoy the remaining time left that you have with your dad. My dad departed 34 years ago today,and I still think about him everyday .

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  


Check out these other hot web properties:
Catholic Personals | Jewish Personals | Millionaire Personals | Unsigned Artists | Crossdressing Relationship
BBW Personals | Latino Personals | Black Personals | Crossdresser Chat | Crossdressing QA
Biker Personals | CD Relationship | Crossdressing Dating | FTM Relationship | Dating | TG Relationship


The crossdressing community is one that needs to stick together and continue to be there for each other for whatever one needs.
We are always trying to improve the forum to better serve the crossdresser in all of us.

Browse Crossdressers By State