So there I was....

[Nataliebabe]

Sunday night I finally had the opportunity to get dolled up for the first time in a long time. Everything fell into place perfectly. Hair, makeup, clothes and good conversation with the wife. Everything was going great when a different feeling came over me. Many feelings actually. It felt food to be girly but yet I felt a bit insecure. It felt great to be dressed as me finally but it was like I couldn't dive in and enjoy everything femme as I wanted to. Frustrated because I cant figure this shit out. My wife went to bed and I came into the front room for some time to myself. I have accepted myself as a crossdresser but maybe I need validation? Am I more than a crossdresser? I have gyno, so I have an almost b cup. Do I want any type of surgery? No. Not really. I do make a pretty cool dude too! Hormones? Not sure. They may calm my ass down a bit though.

Tonight, dressed to the nines. Red dress, full make up, wig, black hose and heels, and loving every minute of it. Chatted with the wife a bit. No second guesses, no nothing. Just enjoying this thing that we do. Right now, this feels so normal, so right and natural. I just wish that I could share this more. Crazy isn't it?

[FrancineS]

Not crazy at all, I think a lot of us encounter this. Probably comes with the territory.

[ReineD]

Frustrated because I cant figure this shit out.

You should do what my SO did. Stop trying to figure it out and just go with the flow!

My wife went to bed and I came into the front room for some time to myself. I have accepted myself as a crossdresser but maybe I need validation? Am I more than a crossdresser? I have gyno, so I have an almost b cup.

Do you think you're getting ready to step it up and go out regularly to interact with others as Natalie? This is a natural progression especially if you have an accepting wife. I've noticed over the years there are often feelings of restlessness and questioning, just before a CDer takes it to the next level. I think a lot of people mistake this with having Gender Dysphoria. Maybe their personal definitions of CDers are men who secretly dress in closets and if they want to go beyond this, they wonder if they might be TS.

My own SO went through it and s/he also questioned HRT and FFS. This is when s/he decided to just go with the flow and see how far s/he could take it without necessarily trying to define it and before undergoing invasive procedures. Well, s/he did identify as dualgender at on point. But in the end, s/he just wanted to catch up the girl self with the guy self including having normal interactions with others. My SO accomplished this by going out regularly several times per week in the next town over. For years. Eventually my SO lost the desire to dress to just stay at home because dressing at home became old hat. And after several more years, the CDing took a back seat altogether. We still go out dressed, but only a fraction of the time that we used to. I think the whole thing is cyclical when someone is not transsexual.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Crossdressing is highly prominent in your mind, so you attach great significance to it- but who doesn't question themselves, who doesn't try to figure stuff out, who doesn't struggle to know themselves better?

This is what humans do- it doesn't mean there are absolute answers to everything.

[kimdl93]

Feeling completely normal takes some time after a lifetime of hiding. But it sounds like you and your wife are on the same page and you have a good idea of who you are and what you want.

[Krisi]

Your wife is OK with your dressing? Then there shouldn't be a problem. Most crossdressers are just that, straight male crossdressers with no intention of trying to actually become a woman or even live as one.

Enjoy your dressing but don't let it control your life.

[Nataliebabe]

Thank you ReineD! I am right on the edge. it seems that I cant make it "over the hump" so to speak. I am ready to venture out as my femme self, but my wife is not ready for it. She did feel that it was ok to seek advice from a professional. She is nervous about me going out or her going out with me and being recognized. I hesitantly agreed. I thought that I would be ok with that and I want her to be happy and feel secure also. This could be my source of the issue. But, I still have some trepidation as to opening up completely while dressed around the house. its almost like writers block. You know the words are there but you just cant put them on paper.

75 percent of me is all man and I do not feel as though I am transsexual but I am definitely somewhere between both genders.

Yes Krisi, my wife is ok with my dressing. She has bought me clothes, make up and seems to enjoy my company when I am en femme. She has been great with my girl side. I just have to learn how to, well, be a better girl I guess.

[Jaylyn]

Me as a crossdresser have felt times when I could not get enough of it and times when I just didn't want to do it ever again.
It sometimes is frustrating inside to not be able to take the next step and at other times contentment for the few steps I've taken. Maybe somedays we wake up with more desires to be feminine and then somedays we want the male side. I think those of us who have wives also have a responsibility to them as we said in our marriage vows. I told her I never forsake her for anyone else I feel this includes Jaylyn. When I get that inner feeling that I want to go farther or ants in my panties I call it I try to remember this rule I've made for myself. I married the love of my life why do I want to mess that up. She lets me be Jaylyn but sometimes dressed we get crazy a__ feelings that's hard to explain. If I had been born a girl I wonder if I would be dressing part time as a guy? Maybe we were born in the middle of the spectrum. Who knows. I sometimes wonder if any of us really have it figured out yet.

[Amy Fakley]

Natalie, perhaps joining a support group would help? I'm in a similar place as what you're describing. My "Amy side" has grown to the extent that I feel somewhat frustrated trying to remain cloistered behind closed doors in my home. I want to show this side of myself and interact with the world to a certain extent, but I don't think I'm ready to just head out into the world ... mostly for the same reasons you and your wife have.

I've made contact with a support group in the next town over and I'm (hopefully) going to attend a meeting soon. Hopefully that will give me some of the socialization in girl mode that I desire, but in a controlled and safe environment (and my wife is welcome to attend as well). Don't know for sure yet, but this seems like it could be just the perfect balance. Perhaps there's a similar group within driving distance for you?

[Jackie7]

ReineD, great post with a lot of hard-won wisdom in it. Thanks!

[Nataliebabe]

Natalie, perhaps joining a support group would help? I'm in a similar place as what you're describing. My "Amy side" has grown to the extent that I feel somewhat frustrated trying to remain cloistered behind closed doors in my home. I want to show this side of myself and interact with the world to a certain extent, but I don't think I'm ready to just head out into the world ... mostly for the same reasons you and your wife have.

I've made contact with a support group in the next town over and I'm (hopefully) going to attend a meeting soon. Hopefully that will give me some of the socialization in girl mode that I desire, but in a controlled and safe environment (and my wife is welcome to attend as well). Don't know for sure yet, but this seems like it could be just the perfect balance. Perhaps there's a similar group within driving distance for you?

Yes, there is a support group close to my area. A member here who I have chatted with on here before is active and wants me to come and join them. I am all for it but as I said earlier my wife is skeptical. She has approved of seeing a professional but is leery of meeting a group of Cd`s. I am slowly working on it though.

[Amy Lynn3]

I so love the title of you post. "SO THERE I WAS" ! That brings back memories of Ray Stevens songs. He always says things like that.

My only advise and it sounds like you know this already....if the wife is not happy nobody will be happy. Give her these

[franlee]

From what you share in this post you seem to have a Crossdresser's dream situation. There is nothing you have said that all of us haven't questioned in some form along the way. My thoughts on your question is, NO You are not crazy. Just indulging in a form of self satisfaction. And my suggestion is to enjoy it as much and as often as your lifestyle and family conditions allow. Your "about me" describes my own reality. So after well over 4 decades of CDing I have pondered a lot and came to the same conclusion every time. I want to so I do, I do it for me, I enjoy it, I harm no one, I owe no one for doing so, I know who I am, I know what I am, and this part of my life I chose so I make it work for me. And I have also realized the questioning why is a mute point because I really don't care even if I knew that one "thing" I don't want to change. So I am a Crossdresser, who cares? I do! For one reason, it makes me happy for that occasion and when I am tired of it I put it away until I want to do it again. It's really that simple for a "Crossdresser" it becomes a whole different animal though when it evolves into more gender Identity and Physical needs to be who you are. Also being straight is the part that sometimes make us question our own motivations and needs but I have found that is only because of the misconceptions and prejudice that Society has imprinted from the time we are born, boy/blue and girl/pink standard. I like to think we are smart enough to see past these stereo typical ideas. But with this said you sound very normal for a man that enjoys crossdressing. Simple aint it?

[Dana44]

Hi Nataliebabe,

Ah, Indeed, Yes it is so fun to be like that. My SO and I have gone out a few times. Its an adventure for sure. I do have a B cup, that's really all you need. My bra's stick out nice. Not too big and not to small. Once you get out, you will find it so fun with your wife. One caveat though, the first time my girlfriend was not comfortable. Thought everyone was looking at us and judging us. Second time that went away. Nobody really looks at you, except a GG looked at me in a foyer of a restaurant like her eyeballs were bugging out. LOL, that did not bother me at all. My SO noticed that though and also told me about it. We just laughed over that.

[Alice_2014_B]

As others have stated, so many questions and feelings come to mind when cross dressing.
It sounds like you're in real good standing with yourself and your wife.

[Nataliebabe]

Thanks ladies! Sometimes I overthink things. All good points brought up. Thanks for the kind words also. From here on out I am going to just go with it and enjoy it to the max! have a great day!

[Isabella Ross]

I too have taken Reine's advice in the past. And going with the flow is working well.

[Kandi Robbins]

Natalie,

We live near each other and I was in the same boat a few months back. If you are interested, I have discovered some outlets for the type of feeling you are having. I had the same ones, the "all dressed up and nowhere to go" feeling. I am going to my first Erie Sisters meeting this weekend, there is a terrific monthly GNO (girl's night out) in Warren, been to Detroit, all of which are reasonable drives for you. If you'd like any help getting out the door, please feel free to PM me and I'd be glad to help. Even if it's just a few of us local girls getting a cup of coffee and talking (even doing so in male mode, nice to know you're not alone).

We know we love the feelings being dressed give us but are conflicted about being that good husband, father, brother, son, friend, etc. I have found that when dressed in private, it's not as fulfilling as being dressed with other girls. Then it really clicks, you forget you are even in a dress and just become this different version of you. For me, this better version of me.

Anyway, a friendly ear is nearby if you'd like.

Kandi

[Beverley Sims]

Natalie,
We all suffer from stage fright at some time.

Especially when all is going well and we are pushed out into the public eye when we are unprepared.

[Nataliebabe]

Natalie,

We live near each other and I was in the same boat a few months back. If you are interested, I have discovered some outlets for the type of feeling you are having. I had the same ones, the "all dressed up and nowhere to go" feeling. I am going to my first Erie Sisters meeting this weekend, there is a terrific monthly GNO (girl's night out) in Warren, been to Detroit, all of which are reasonable drives for you. If you'd like any help getting out the door, please feel free to PM me and I'd be glad to help. Even if it's just a few of us local girls getting a cup of coffee and talking (even doing so in male mode, nice to know you're not alone).

We know we love the feelings being dressed give us but are conflicted about being that good husband, father, brother, son, friend, etc. I have found that when dressed in private, it's not as fulfilling as being dressed with other girls. Then it really clicks, you forget you are even in a dress and just become this different version of you. For me, this better version of me.

Anyway, a friendly ear is nearby if you'd like.

Kandi

Thank You so much Kandi!! Your post made me cry!

[ReineD]

I am ready to venture out as my femme self, but my wife is not ready for it. She did feel that it was ok to seek advice from a professional. She is nervous about me going out or her going out with me and being recognized. I hesitantly agreed. I thought that I would be ok with that and I want her to be happy and feel secure also. This could be my source of the issue.

I don't know if you've noticed it, but the fear of going out and being recognized is much greater BEFORE someone actually does it. Afterwards, they most often wonder why they thought it would be such a big deal. I know it can be tricky to leave the house fully dressed in full daylight and I don't know how close your neighbors are. We live in a fairly anonymous neighborhood, we don't really know our neighbors and none of the neighbors know our co-workers, friends, etc, so we don't really worry about it. We just don't dawdle in the front yard. We also drive to the next town over. In the years that we've been doing this (literally hundreds and hundreds of times if not more), we've only run into people we know a few times. My SO resolved this simply by turning her face and we left.

The idea of seeing a professional for advice before going out means what, exactly. Does your wife believe that if a CDer wants to go out and interact with others, this means transsexualism? Does she want you to see a gender therapist?

That said, when you do go out, you will find that 99% of the sales people, restaurant personnel, etc will treat you with no indication that anything is amiss. They appreciate your business. And most of the other patrons or people passing you on the street will not take the time to look at you closely and determine that you are not a GG. But, some people read gender cues better than others or if their eyes rest on you for awhile they will know that you are not a GG (unless you are genetically gifted), and they might stare a bit. But they will not be rude. And the people that you interact with directly, the people who will take your meal order and sell you something will know. It has been our experience that a lot of people just have a "Whatever!" attitude and if they don't they are very good at keeping their opinions to themselves. Also, people in general have no clue about us. They don't differentiate between the various points along the TG spectrum and I'm certain that everyone who deals with us believes that my SO is a TS in transition, or they may have a very loose idea that anyone who presents in a manner contrary to their physical appearance is transgender without really understanding what that is. This is fine with us, as long as they recognize that my SO while dressed wishes to be treated with respect. The waitresses at some of the restaurants we go to regularly always greet us with, "Hello, ladies".

One last thing, it can take a while to get past the idea that people will judge you harshly. I felt it for about the first year my SO were going out regularly. Every time someone stared, I felt ashamed and it was not easy. This is called "internalized transphobia". We are mirroring internally the negative views of crossdressing that we have been exposed to all our lives. But the truth is that more people have a "live and let live" attitude than you think, especially when it comes to dealing with you as a stranger. You do not affect their lives directly. And we've also met quite a few people who applaud my SO for having the courage to go out.

But, I still have some trepidation as to opening up completely while dressed around the house. its almost like writers block. You know the words are there but you just cant put them on paper.

What do you mean, opening up completely? Is it a manner of walking, talking, or sitting that is different when you are dressed, or is it talking about things like fashion, makeup, etc?

[Nataliebabe]

I don't know if you've noticed it, but the fear of going out and being recognized is much greater BEFORE someone actually does it. Afterwards, they most often wonder why they thought it would be such a big deal. I know it can be tricky to leave the house fully dressed in full daylight and I don't know how close your neighbors are. We live in a fairly anonymous neighborhood, we don't really know our neighbors and none of the neighbors know our co-workers, friends, etc, so we don't really worry about it. We just don't dawdle in the front yard. We also drive to the next town over. In the years that we've been doing this (literally hundreds and hundreds of times if not more), we've only run into people we know a few times. My SO resolved this simply by turning her face and we left.

The idea of seeing a professional for advice before going out means what, exactly. Does your wife believe that if a CDer wants to go out and interact with others, this means transsexualism? Does she want you to see a gender therapist?

That said, when you do go out, you will find that 99% of the sales people, restaurant personnel, etc will treat you with no indication that anything is amiss. They appreciate your business. And most of the other patrons or people passing you on the street will not take the time to look at you closely and determine that you are not a GG. But, some people read gender cues better than others or if their eyes rest on you for awhile they will know that you are not a GG (unless you are genetically gifted), and they might stare a bit. But they will not be rude. And the people that you interact with directly, the people who will take your meal order and sell you something will know. It has been our experience that a lot of people just have a "Whatever!" attitude and if they don't they are very good at keeping their opinions to themselves. Also, people in general have no clue about us. They don't differentiate between the various points along the TG spectrum and I'm certain that everyone who deals with us believes that my SO is a TS in transition, or they may have a very loose idea that anyone who presents in a manner contrary to their physical appearance is transgender without really understanding what that is. This is fine with us, as long as they recognize that my SO while dressed wishes to be treated with respect. The waitresses at some of the restaurants we go to regularly always greet us with, "Hello, ladies".

One last thing, it can take a while to get past the idea that people will judge you harshly. I felt it for about the first year my SO were going out regularly. Every time someone stared, I felt ashamed and it was not easy. This is called "internalized transphobia". We are mirroring internally the negative views of crossdressing that we have been exposed to all our lives. But the truth is that more people have a "live and let live" attitude than you think, especially when it comes to dealing with you as a stranger. You do not affect their lives directly. And we've also met quite a few people who applaud my SO for having the courage to go out.



What do you mean, opening up completely? Is it a manner of walking, talking, or sitting that is different when you are dressed, or is it talking about things like fashion, makeup, etc?

Yes Reine I have noticed. I wont be able to go out in my hometown. Small town, redneckville, ohio and i am active in the community(not as much as I used to be). Most of my neighbors are people who I have grown up around and know very well.

Seeking professional help was/is to help me with acceptance of myself. Even though I have been doing this for a long time it is still hard sometimes. My wife is much better with accepting me than I am.

As far as "opening up completely", I feel as I sometimes "walk on eggshells" when I am dressed(hence the feeling of a need for validation mentioned earlier). Every thing about me changes when I am in Natalie mode. Mood/disposition, mannerisms, etc. I even like the Lifetime channel I do need to polish up on fashion, makeup and things that women in my life talk about. I cling to my guy side when things like this come up. I need to let go of "him" and accept "her" when I am "her". Does this make sense?

[ReineD]

Does this make sense?

Yes, but if you want a bit of advice, I would suggest watching Lifetime channel and talking about fashion & makeup when you're in guy mode too. You are the same person whether dressed or not, right? I mean, you still do have an interest in those things when you're not dressed, so why not acknowledge it.

My SO used to segregate what s/he thought were male and female interests. For years, my SO felt that to enjoy dancing or art was a "female" thing to do. Not any more. Also my SO wouldn't keep the male & female clothes in the same closet. Now, everything is mixed together and it just makes everything so much better integrated.

[Nataliebabe]

Yes, but if you want a bit of advice, I would suggest watching Lifetime channel and talking about fashion & makeup when you're in guy mode too. You are the same person whether dressed or not, right? I mean, you still do have an interest in those things when you're not dressed, so why not acknowledge it.

My SO used to segregate what s/he thought were male and female interests. For years, my SO felt that to enjoy dancing or art was a "female" thing to do. Not any more. Also my SO wouldn't keep the male & female clothes in the same closet. Now, everything is mixed together and it just makes everything so much better integrated.

Yes, I do have an interest when not dressed. let me add that no one....NO ONE, outside of my wife(and you all on this board) and an old ex girlfriend know about this side of me. I have always been afraid that if I let anything slip about my femme self when in guy mode I would be pegged with all of the usual stereotypes that come with this. I have always tried to avoid that.

"Integration" has been a BIG conversation point between my wife and I when discussing this side of me. She says that I need to have more Natalie in my guy self. The problem is me. I cant seem to make that breakthrough. My closet contains clothes for the both sides of me. I have a drawer in my chest that contains all of my lingerie there and my own shelf is the bathroom cabinet for my wigs, make up and the like. As I said before the problem is me and integrating the 2 sides to make the whole person better. Follow me?

[ReineD]

I have always been afraid that if I let anything slip about my femme self when in guy mode I would be pegged with all of the usual stereotypes that come with this. I have always tried to avoid that.

Well, that just it! lol

So many CDers are afraid while growing up that people will guess this side of themselves, they suppress what men who have no inclination to crossdress would never dream of suppressing and they develop rather rigid definitions of being male and being female. No wonder so many CDers are near the point of explosion later on in life, if they have a natural interest in things but they tell themselves they shouldn't pursue it else people will "guess". Men who do not crossdress enjoy all sorts of things that (many) CDers believe are the domain of females. My ex who is not a CD, had strong opinions of home decor and women's fashions, he was never embarrassed to watch chick flicks, he would get teary-eyed when watching puppy commercials, and he got along great with women!