Be very careful as this may all end in tears. First seriously consider going to counseling to find "yourself" and what you want from life. At some point you have to come out to your wife. Hiding cross dressing is very difficult and imposes a great penalty on you and on your wife.
That said, the feelings you have are not wrong but you have to deal with them in the right way.
It's wrong. A 5 year old would tell you it's wrong. Cheating on your wife is plain and simply wrong. There is no counter argument to this.
Now, I also think you are wrong about telling your wife. Whatever conversations have resulted in your belief are NOT about you. You are her husband. While certainly shocking, as your wife, she will likely be more understanding than otherwise. By the way, what happens when she catches you having sex with a man? Cross dressing will pale in comparison.
Although you mention that you're not going to tell her, as she wouldn't understand about the CDing etc, isn't there a way you could involve her? Perhaps suggesting that, and starting from there might help? Plus, it'd be nice and safe (i.e. disease free) for you.
Last edited by Katey888; 03-26-2015 at 05:34 PM. Reason: Deleted prohibited content
To cheat or commit adultery would be Wrong period! The nature of your thread says to me you already know and have pondered it. The real reason for asking is to see if there is anyone else that may have a justification you could relate to and haven't thought of. So my advise is do what you already know is Right. Or be honest with your wife and then take the consequences and move on with your life. She or anyone deserves the facts so they can make their decision as well, because it does affect them and could result in a very dangerous situation.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Fran
It's worth something just being around to Fuss!
I understand life in the closet as that is where I am as well. I came out and talked with my wife(whom I love dearly), saw a therapist, and I was advised that my CDing was a sexual addiction. I wanted to believe that. Went to meetings for it, and now three years later, I have my stash again, and dress when I can. I have normal and regular sex with my wife and love it. My wife and I have been married 39 years, have children and grandchildren, and I am the oldest member of a very large extended family. I do not go on chat sites, but I just joined Crossdressers.com and like the rules with limits on pics and language. Still, my CDing makes me feel complete. I started dressing when I was six. Good luck!
Carlyj
I am never been married but when I was closeted I used to chase and pursued married guys and while it was exciting for a moment always left me feeling guilty and empty.
I am now on a monogamous relationship and I can do all the same and more things I used to do when I was on affairs with married guys without the guilty feelings.
Being bisexual and married must be tough, I wish you the best of luck
You are right you are being totally lambasted over this.
Who is number one in your life.
After yourself of course.
Work on your elegance,
and beauty will follow.
Gia, I think you should discuss and tell her! After 5 years of hiding and dodging, purging and starting over and over. I told her when she found a reciept from a second hand store the item said BRA $ 2.00. She said why does this say Bra, then I just could not hold any more and told her. We talked and talked for several days, now we shop, do make up together.
Talk about heels and my style of dressing trashy hooker outfits. I go out to the clubs something and hang around and have fun. Hope some day my wife will go with me. But our lifes together is stronger. I my glad she knows everything.
Marriage is a commitment between 2 people with the explicit expectation of exclusivity. It is a bond, or contract, which should not be tossed aside for cheap thrills. For anyone who is thinking about cheating on your spouse please think of how you would feel if the shoe were on the other foot.
Unless you have an agreement of an open marriage, cheating is unacceptable. There is no reason to consider this without talking to her. Keeping cding is bad enough, but infidelity is dangerous. To her and you.
Exposing her to disease so that you can continue to cd, have your sexual experience, and keep your wife. Is a sign of a lack of respect for her. Do you self and her a favor, tell her. Hanging onto her in order to have your cake and eat it too will end up worse. If you cheat and she gets sick, that's a really expensive divorce and a price you both will have to pay for the rest of your lives. Unfair that she doesn't get a say in the rest of her life.
~Greenie
Supportive wife to a wonderful man who just so happens to like to be fabulous some times.
I’m not a marriage counselor but I’ll say this: it won’t last. You owe it to yourself to be truthful. And, even more important, you owe it to your SO.
I read your post to my wife and my wife said that a lot of women would really like her man being as a CD.
In my case, when my wife wants to see Cheryl, she tells me.
In your case you are reaping the whirlwind, as the saying goes. You lied to your SO and are lying to her now.
There are many reasons why each of us “dress”. For me, it’s the total sense of relaxing. I enjoy being Cheryl. She’s part of me, a very important part.
Here’s the point: you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
You don’t have to like men to be a CD, you know.
I wonder if your SO knows.
Good luck to you but, at some point, you’re going have to spill the beans.
My wife says to show her some posts of girls who learned to accept it.
My wife makes a game of it, as if I’m her Barbie Doll to dress. Works for me.
My wife’s biggest kick is taking me to wig stores while I’m in drab and she tells the SA to fit me for a wig. Let me say this: the SA’s get a kick out of it.
Hey, it CAN BE FUN.
My wife and I’ve been married for about 20 years.
On our first date I told her that I’d like to “dress”. She invited me over to her apartment that weekend to see if she could handle it. When I came out of the bathroom her first ords was “Let me help you with your makeup”.
So there you are. My wife is happy calling the shots and I’m happy that she’s happy.
Good luck.
My wife says your wife ought to “Get with it”.
DO NOT CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE.
What, you want to take a chance on giving her AIDS or something? DON'T CHEAT!
Last edited by CherylFlint; 03-26-2015 at 09:16 PM.
Gia, you asked for constructive advise & you got very sageful advise. Please leave your fantasy to your imagination. Your conscience will haunt you forever should you stray from your wife. Live to cd; love & honor your wife. Much peace, mel
Wow, that has to be tough to work through and I won't be judgmental. I love my wife deeply and deceiving her would just rip me apart. Maybe you are feeling some of that? Also, I have never been attracted to men. Dressed as a man, as a woman, as a circus clown or even a water buffalo -- men are men and I am not attracted to them. I can't imagine then the internal conflict you face. I do wish you the best of luck sorting it out.
This is the key to your problem. You have to evaluate how important your marriage is to you, how well you really know your wife, and how rigid she actually is on the subject. It sounds as though you've danced around the topic, and she may have had the usual Eeww! reaction, without knowing how close the situation may be to her life. If you do love her, then you should take the chance, sit down with her and have the "discussion." You can expect that there will be a period of a few days when she will decide whether or not she wishes to remain married to you.Originally Posted by Gia Villafana
My guess is that for most women, in a reasonably strong marriage, it isn't a deal breaker. If she actually does love you and is OK (though not necessarily thrilled) with your CDing - then boundaries will be set, and you will probably find that you can live with them and be a happy person, even if the limits are DADT. By the way, that photo of me on the left was taken by my wife this past Xmas, and my presents included a couple of nice skirts and lingerie. It CAN happen...although I was caught, in flagrante, 2 years into my marriage some 42 years ago. You at least would have the chance to set the time and place.
If it is a deal breaker, then you will be set free to follow your muse. Perhaps your next SO will be the perfect match - if you (lesson learned) tell her about your CDing at the outset and she's OK with it. But unless you have an open marriage, cheating will eat your soul.
Last edited by Jeninus; 03-27-2015 at 12:03 AM.
Shame on those who think ill of us -- Translated and paraphrased from the motto of the United Kingdom's Most Noble Order of the Garter
What are you really going to do? You obviously expected these replies. Are you hoping that the weight of the replies will somehow "control" you?
you have big issues at home. You obviously don't care about your wife, so why stay married? Divorce and then you can think only of yourself without hurting another.
Gia
It is not "Duality" that you are feeling / expressing, it is selfishness. I agree with Jennifer.
Lori, yes health is a big concern BUT a bigger concern is that Gia is taking away her wife's ability to decide for herself. As soon as you do this, whether you contract a medical disease or not, you have already controlled your wife's life and abused the trust your relationship should be built on. The problem is not your wifes attitude, it is your cowardice and selfishness.
Sorry, Lori, I am not having a go at your expression or polyamory, but if that sort of relationship is not going to hurt someone then EVERYONE must be fully on board and informed. That is not the case for Gia's wife.
Last edited by Kate T; 03-27-2015 at 01:11 AM.
Keeping your CDing a secret is OK. Many of us do it for a variety of reasons with fear being number one. Infidelity is a crappy thing and needlessly exposes your unsuspecting wife to risks both physical and emotional. Your an adult so do what you want. Just don't expect any empathy from others when it goes South. My opinion? Unless you let her in on your CD tryst fantasies your best to forget about acting on them.
Cheating, or rather infidelity, is never okay... period. In an open relationship... or a situation where a spouse has agreed to allow their spouse engage in sex outside the marriage (maybe a medical issue of some type) that's not cheating, it's an arrangement where both spouses are understanding and have accepted the terms.
I'm not going to bash you or tell you you're a horrible person. You haven't done anything yet. You have, in my opinion, a fantasy or desire. There isn't anything wrong with your fantasies or desires... until you act upon them.
Good Luck with your decision. I hope you're able to come to the right, IMO decision, to stay faithful.
Hi Gia
What a sharing! You said an awful lot. You also heard an awful lot. That's the miracle of this site. I'm going to come back to your post often to carefully think about what people wrote. It is incredible that in the short time posted, so many people gave such heartfelt thoughts.
I'm a closet married. I once shaved legs and tried to bring it out gradually but it was not to be. I really love my relationship with my wife. When my well meaning cousin told my wife, I blamed alcohol and drugs. So I'm doing a lot of twelve step work and really loving it. I can be flexible. Even tried Sex Addict phone meetings but I'm not into the guilt needed.
Instead, I modified my dressing. Becoming a Buddhist to find that Higher Power (and loving it) I made my middle path the Scottish kilt thing, stockings, blousy shirt, even hats ("noggin caps"). The sellers of this merchandise try to make it so masculne. It's cute. The only thing that wouldn't pass is my shoes. With my many kilt outfits, I have many Sidekicks -- cheap pumps sold XL in an incredible number of colors with a matching little case.
I let my mind be the woman. With aggressive meditation, my mind becomes the woman. Yes, I am attracted to men in womens clothing. So what? I am that woman when I allow my mind to do it. So here I am sweetie, male-ish Scottish woman by day. Assister of drunks and addicts at sunset. Lover of wife and her gourmet food at night.
There is no right and wrong in life -- only your preception of who you are. That's what I would say to you over dinner, should it ever happen. Sex? Never. Like a drink, drug...think it through. Where would it go?
robbin
Last edited by Robbin_Sinclair; 03-27-2015 at 02:13 PM.
Thanks for all the replies, especially the PMs that acknowledge that I'm not the only one with these kinds of thoughts. The hardest thing for me to work through is that I feel like a completely different person when I'm dressed: different look in the mirror, different name and voice, and different desires...even different personality.
As a guy, I very much a guy, but when I'm dressed, I want to be the man-pleaser, the "submissive" woman, for lack of better term...actions that just aren't possible with a woman. So it's harder for me to combine me as a guy and me as a CD and the desires of each being the same situation since they are so different.
CDing is not a kink for me; I don't get aroused by the mere act of dressing. It's something I've done off and on for something like 20 years now, more than half of my life, so it does feel like a very, very real part of who I am.
You have to make a short list of goals or hurdles to get over if you are trying to reach a long term final goal. I'm sure you have been with your wife for a long time and it might take a long time to reach your ultimate goal unless you go in have 1 ultimate conversation and detonate a box of TNT right off the bat. That might not be a bad way either but I'm not a therapist. Just be careful trying to reach your destination as you could be delusional when you reach it.
Just like the majority of the population always say I will be happy when I get there. I will be happy if I can make 10 million dollars, I will be happy when I can crossdress in public and I will be happy when I retire and I get there. Once THERE arrives its not what we thought it would be and THERE are new struggles which can be ok but we don't want it to be only and just all regrets. Also be damn careful if you're going out taking a walk on the wild side because looking the way you do I can see you getting a lot of attention from straight guys, chasers, other kinds of fetish folks and you'll be putting the cart in front of the horse for sure.
Gia, the following is not meant to be critical or judgmental, but perhaps a different way of looking at some things.
This is a common feeling expressed on this forum. As an illustrative example, a US Army Ranger can be the toughest and most macho person when in that role (on the job), around their colleagues and even look the part. The same person can come home in civilian clothes and be very gentle, kind and tender with their family and friends. Even the name and title they go by at work and at home are different. To an outside observer, he or she may appear to be two very different people based on behavior (theirs and others) and appearance, but are they really? IMHO, I say no. It is just different aspects of the same person which are being expressed and exhibited based on context, situation and expectations. Would anyone find this weird or odd? Probably not since it is expected and in some ways necessary - this is a more extreme case of leaving work at work and leaving home at home. Expressing different parts of yourself that is based more on social gender stereotypes and expectations is not viewed the same way due to many years of constant gender socialization. You are not a different person when dressed. You just allow yourself to express and feel in ways that is generally looked down upon by many as not being like a man. While it may feel like you are a completely different person when dressed, you are not. It is still you, but with different aspects being shown and expressed when and where you feel it is safe.
Let's change a few words here...."I want to be the woman-pleaser, the submissive man..." Why are these roles not possible with a woman? Outside of engaging in vaginal sex, it is all possible. Again due to gender socialization, the expectation is the man should not be submissive since that is not the expected role (i.e., weak, whipped, etc.). You can please (sexually or not) a man or woman and that is not gender or physical sex dependent. Being stuck inside of gender roles and stereotypes you feel you cannot break can create internal conflicts when can lead to less than ideal thought processes and solutions to the deal with the conflict. If you feel these desires do not or cannot exist within your current relationship (real or perceived) and your needs cannot be met, you are going to start thinking about going outside of the relationship. I am not saying you have to tell your wife about your cross dressing, but her not knowing is probably going to make it more difficult for her to understand and engage in role alteration or reversal. Perhaps some of what you are looking for can being found within your current relationship, but roles and expectations have to change to make it possible and some things may not be possible.
If you break out of the expected role or behaviors of a man and a woman, there will often be less conflict about it. Both behaviors and feeling can exist within the same person, just different aspects of the same person, and a sense of having to be two different people is not necessary. It can be difficult since we are shown and told what is expected from boys/men and girls/women from the first day of our existence.
You are not an awful person.
My SO was single for about 10 years and he experimented with men (while dressed) between his prior long-term relationship and me. He eventually came to the conclusion that the reality did not live up to the fantasy, but he is hetero. I am sure there are latent bisexual individuals for whom experimentation is rewarding and they can go on to form relationships with men. I am happy that my SO took steps to find out, although I am very happy that it all happened before he met me. I would have a difficult time having a partner who wanted to go outside our relationship for sex.
I don't know if my SO had these fantasies during his prior relationship but if he did, he waited until the relationship was over with before following through. His partner would not have been happy being in an open relationship either.
The issue is not experimenting with men so much as the idea that you want to have sex with someone other than your wife. If she is not open to this, she will get hurt. It can be argued whether some or all of us are meant to be in monogamous or poly-amorous relationships, but if polyamory will work, it needs the consent of both partners. So your first priority is to determine how your wife feels about you having sex with others and if she is not amenable, either live up to the monogamous contract you made with your wife or end your relationship and then experiment.
To your your other point, if you feel a different person when dressed, then maybe you need to work on integrating yourself. You are the same person whether you are dressed or not.
Good luck!
<edit>
Just so you know, although there are both men and women in the BDSM community who classify themselves as tops or bottoms, we GGs don't see ourselves as being submissive or bottoms generally. What you describe is kink more than being a woman. Although the following post was written for someone contemplating transition, you should read the part of it that describes women and weakness/passivity. IMO it describes us very well:
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post3718081
Last edited by ReineD; 03-28-2015 at 01:14 PM.
Reine
Hi Gia, You know that this probably isn't going to end well.
See line #3 in my signature.
Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......
I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !
If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.
Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!
I was in a relationship, actually married. It was an open relationship. I must say that I divorced her because she was heavily cheating on me and spending a lot of my money on other men. Cheating never works. I did do a couple bisexual things later and experimented. DO NOT DO THAT. I have found a great woman and came out to her, instead of cheating on her. She is my girlfriend. She is close to me and better than any woman that I ever had. You must tell her. If you are BI, Do not cheat on her. Tell her your feelings. I'm sure she knows something is wrong. If you love her. Tell her.
Part Time Girl
Posting Permissions
