How to tell my wife I want to under dress at home

[DianaWales]

Hi All,

My wife knows about my cross-dressing, told her about 8 months ago and she is kind of ok with me dressing occasionally. I dress alone and she does not want to participate. I am thankful for her that she lets me dress and she tries to understand that it is my need to dress from time to time.

She is ok with me painting my nails but she worries what if something happens and I dont have time to take them off. so she wants me to paint my nails occasionally and wants me to take them off before I sleep. I am ok with this and dont want to push her.

I want to tell her that I would like to under dress wear panties while at home. I am not sure how to tell it to her and how to bring it up with her.
I would really appreciate if you all can help me out hear. May be I might want to wear a bra as well occasionally. Not sure how she would take this if I tell her this

I feel really good when I am dressed. It helps me calm down.

Hugs,
Diana

[Teresa]

Diana,
The first question is how you explained your CDing with your wife, did you give her some good reasons why you feel the way you do or just keep saying I need to add a little more without explanation ? You say you feel good it helps to calm you, Cders understand that but our partners can't always see it !
I think underdressing is your best solution, it often has the desired effect on you and your partner may not be aware of it ! If she comments that you're in a good mood, maybe you could drop it in the conversation the reason why ! A bra is a little more obvious and may raise the question of wanting breasts, which she may not be ready for !

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Dear Diana,

Camilla is very tolerant of my underdressing- I'm an extraordinarily fortunate chap in that respect.

Fondest regards,

Charles

[Welshgirl]

Hi Diana,

I am a GG SO of a CDer on this forum. I very much support what Pamela wants to do, although I do have the occasional wobble about things that go too far for what I feel comfortable with. At this point, we do what we always do if something bothers us in our relationship; down tools and sort it out, immediately. Sometimes we have to agree that Pamela backs off doing whatever it was that had pushed my buttons, and waits till I come to a comfortable accommodation with it for myself or he realises that it wasn't that important or necessary after all. Other times, we talk it through and I realise that I am worrying about nothing really, and it wasn't an issue after all. Either way, we talk about it.

What worries me about your post is that you seem to be looking for your wife's permission. I understand that this may be semantics on my part, but it seems like you are grateful for any little crumbs that she will throw you, and that you don't have an equal part to play in making decisions about what you wear in your own home on your own body. I have been on the receiving end of a controlling relationship before and the signals seem very similar.

I know it's complicated. I know that you don't want to upset your wife, or rock the boat at home. I know full well that she will have her own worries and concerns about what you are doing, why you are doing it and how it might affect her and your marriage. However, you do have an equal part to play in that marriage, and you don't actually have to set it up so that she has all the power and control over everything that you do.

What you do need to do, IMHO, is talk with her. You could start by asking her how she feels about the whole thing, though she may not want to go there. You could ask her if she would like to know how you feel about dressing, seeing as it was eight months since you first brought the subject up. You could say to her that there are things that you would like to chat about with her regarding the dressing. You can reassure her that you would not ever do anything that would embarrass her in public, if that is what she is worried about. You could tell her that you want to explore how things feel for you - these are all experiments, and some of them will be things that you try once or twice and then abandon because they don't feel the way you thought they would, whereas other things you might want to do more than that. You certainly should tell her how good it makes you feel and how calm you feel with it, because there are not many women I know who actually want an angry and aggressive husband.

In the grand scheme of things, put it up against telling her that you had some kind of terminal illness, or that you wanted to leave her. Saying that you want to wear your own choice of underwear round the house, which nobody can even see, is pretty small beer really. You can do it!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Diana, You know your wife well enough to be able to talk about your wishes
just don't overwhelm her as that may not have a happy ending.
Good luck and please do keep us advised with your progress.

[VictoriaW]

Explain to her how it calms you down and relieves stress and generally makes you feel great and very happy. Tell her you love her. I've been in this exact situation before with a woman and it was very tough to get her to understand how I felt and the fact that under dressing is a very harmless act that helps us feel good during the day. Unfortunately some women don't understand...

[Krisi]

If by "underdressing at home" you mean you want to wear panties at home and she already knows you are a crossdresser, just get up one morning and put on your panties instead of your briefs. If she notices and asks, tell her they are more comfortable or that you were out of clean briefs.

It would help if you're wearing plain white or black panties, not hot pink with ruffles.

[kimdl93]

You've come this far. The underdressing shouldn't be that difficult to reveal. Tell her what you told us.

[Pat]

I agree with Welshgirl -- this sounds like permission-seeking behavior. Your wife knows you crossdress. Just do it. Don't let it become an issue.

In terms of nail-painting if she's concerned you're going to get swept from you bed in the middle of the night (nocturnal heart attack? fire?) suggest that in that unlikely event of such a thing happening, she tell the people whose judgement she fears that she painted your nails -- it was just a little private fun between spouses. Everyone's heard of that.

[Vikky]

Hi Diana

I am in a similar situation to you and I have been thinking about doing the same thing. Yesterday my SO was out all afternoon and I had various odd jobs to do around the house so underdressed (bra, slip, tights) and put in my forms. It was great and as I planned to fully dress in the evening and work in my home office I thought I would just take out the forms when she came home and see if she noticed.

One reason for this approach was to see if I can sensibly ‘hide’ my bra line while underdressed, and also to see whether it is something I might want to do more often at home.

As it happens she didn’t notice and later I went to my office and doled up for a couple of hours.

However, longer term I don’t plan to hide my underdressing from her. I want my CDing to be honest and up front with her and she has been understanding. I think I am likely to put it the idea of my undersdressing at home more often, and sleeping en femme, to her in the near future. I think I will get a positive reaction, but yuo never know. Will choose my moment.

Maybe my approach will help you.

Vikky

[MissTee]

Fortunately for me, my wife is understanding and supportive of my dressing -- at home. I don't go out and don't care to, but I do underdress in panties and toe nail polish. My wife occasionally asks won't I be worried if I get in an accident or something happens that outs me.

As for your situation, go slow and communicate often. There will likely be pain points along the way. Likewise, you started off saying panties only. Then, maybe some polish . . . oh, and a bra on occasion. Be aware as you get comfortable undressing your need will grow, so don't make promises about limits. It might be a promise your calling will not let you honor.

Good luck!!

[Sable Storm]

I can honestly say I can relate to what you are going through as I had a similar situation in my marriage. What did I learn from my marriage? Take it slow. If you want the relationship to last, take it very slow. Test the waters ever so gently, each and every day. Even if she says its ok, take it slow.

But the most important thing is honesty. It can kill relationships if the truth is put too bluntly, so I would also add that along with honesty, you need a generous helping of tact to go along with it.

Love and light
~S

[SandraB]

Diana:

A lot of good advice here. From my own experiece, I underdress just about every day wearing panties, mostly with a bra (as weather still on cool side it is not obvious under a sweater) and use breastforms around the house. I first started to openly underdress one or two days after coming out to my wife. When I got up in the morning I just openly wore the panties and put on a bra. My wife never objected. If she did, I would have discussed it with her. Also, when I dressed fully en femme, at first I always told her in advance that I was going to do it so we could keep out of each others way if that's what she wanted. I don't ask permission, but I do keep her informed and maintain openness. If she ever objected, I would discuss. However, also on occassion eventhough she did not object but I could see she was not happy (e.g. a shake of the head or something) I would always raise it for discussion - maybe not at the moment but at some time in the near future. If I raise the subject and she clearly does not want to discuss, I back off for a later/calmer time. I don't want any uneasiness to fester in silence and want one or both of us to compromise where possible or at the very least that both of us understands the others position. It seems to be working for us so far eventhough she cannot embrace Sandra and I long for Sandra to be her friend.

I hope it works out for you.

[Isabella Ross]

Well, I say just put your big girl panties on...literally and figuratively. She knows who you are. If she sees and asks, just tell her you're more comfortable wearing panties. After all, you probably don't tell her what kind of underwear to use...

[DianaWales]

Hi All,

Thank you for all your comments and suggestion. I will wait for the right moment and talk to her. I will post how my talk goes with her.

Thanks again,

Diana

Hi Teresa,

When I first told her I tried to tell how I felt, how long I have been dressing, how it helps me to calm down and that its an urge that drives me to dress. I think your suggestion of panties alone is good. I will try with that and see what she has to say.

Thanks,
Diana

Thanks Welshgirl, what you mentioned makes sense. I love her and dont want to hurt her. She is worried about my crossdressing and I am trying to tell her how it helps me. I am really grateful that she does not hate me and is trying her best to help me. she is also thinking about setting up some boundaries which we have to talk. I think talking with her really helps me feel better and makes me feel that I am not abnormal.

[DanaR]

.................She is ok with me painting my nails but she worries what if something happens and I dont have time to take them off. so she wants me to paint my nails occasionally and wants me to take them off before I sleep. I am ok with this and dont want to push her.........

I paint my nails all of the time. About 15 years ago, I was moving some engine blocks around in my garage and one fell on my left foot. When I took the block off my foot and made my way into the house, my wife and I pulled off my shoe and decided that I should go to the hospital. Anyway while at the hospital, my wife told everyone that my granddaughter painted my toes. Everybody thought that was great. I still paint my toes.

[Beverley Sims]

Do you need to tell her?
Just start wearing panties instead of your regular underwear, as you already crossdress wait for a comment from her and then start the discussion.

If you do it occasionally and then more regularly there probably won't be more than a passing comment made.

[DanaR]

................Just start wearing panties instead of your regular underwear, as you already crossdress wait for a comment from her and then start the discussion.................

That is what I did. She never said anything, that was many years ago.

[Kirsty Louise]

When I started wearing panties under my clothes I told my wife, when I had managed to convince her that I hadn’t turned into a screaming perv (as she put it) she was sort of ok with it, after a while she got used to me dressing and now we go shopping together and she helps me select sexy female clothes.

[Claire Cook]

I side with Krisi and others who favor the Nike commercial -- just do it. I started wearing panties years ago -- just told Sue they are more comfortable than male things -- and haven't owned any male underwear since. Never have had an issue in doctors' offices (they all know about me) or elsewhere.

The only issue is separating out the laundry ...

[Marcelle]

Hi Diana,

I think if you take the time to sit with your wife and have an open discussion about what you want to do, explain much like you explained it here this will move things forward. Communication is very important once you have revealed to your SO especially as things begin to expand. This will ensure you are both comfortable with your dressing and there are no surprises. Good luck.

Hugs

Isha

[sfwarbonnet]

Just Do It; try these items. All are OK for underdressing, and it shouldn't matter if suitable attire comes from the women's department. Wearing clothes usually associated with the opposite sex rapidly becomes normal. Once you are comfortable underdressing at home, you’ll want to do it in public. However, items that could be spotted as women’s clothes when underdressing, such as a bra and nylons, is more of a challenge but are “do-able” and when there is no reaction from either men or women that invites one to wear only womenswear. I have found these items both acceptable and practical:

!) Slacks: Women’s pull on pants are much easier to put on than men’s belted pants. They do not need a fake fly, as the absence of it is usually not apparent, but I prefer non-figured and solid color, non-pastel pants so they are not readily identified as women’s clothing.

2) Panties: Underwear with a fly is unnecessary with pull on pants. Although there are no-fly briefs in the men’s department, women’s full-cut briefs fit better, and are often cheaper. I no lomger have any male briefs.

3) Slips: Shirttails tend to readily pull out of pull on pants. This can expose panty and pantyhose tops. A “solution” is to wear a full slip that is short enough to be worn with slacks. Also slips are usually made of material that makes it easier to tuck them in and pull on and straighten pants.

4) Bra: This is generally considered a female item, but it can be useful in “boy mode” to keep non-adjustable straps on a slip from falling off the shoulders. A slip is also useful as it hides bra signs like back clasps, adjusters, tight bands, and shoulder straps

5) Nylons: An MD suggested that I wear pantyhose to avoid the indentation in my lower legs that mid-calf or knee-high socks make. Pantyhose do not require anything that is not also needed with pull on pants. Opaque ones are best, as they aren't readily identified as women's hosiery, but that isn't necessary and sheer nylons are OK and are more available. I actually prefer thigh highs as they are easier to put on than pantyhose, they do not need to be lowered to go to the bathroom, and only one leg needs to be thrown out when a run becomes apparent

All these are mass-market items in the women’s department.

[Nyla F]

Diana,

The fact that you don't know how to talk about it suggests you don't already have an open line of communication about your crossdressing. Also, you said she doesn't want to participate. So there is no easy way to bring up a subject she would rather not talk about. While I'm in the "just do it" camp your OP did ask how, not if. So my suggestion is start out with something like "so you aren't taken by surprise later, I want you to know I'm going to be wearing panties (or whatever else you were thinking of wearing) on a regular basis. I will be discrete about changing in and out of the so you don't have to see me in them, and I will wash them separately so you don't have to see them." -- basically showing you respect her feelings. Then the ball is in her court to respond if she wishes, and if things go well you'll only have to negotiate the details, not whether to not she will "let" you do it.

[sfwarbonnet]

Nyla, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said there is no easy way to bring up a subject she would rather not talk about. I don’t now have any male briefs, but my panties are all white cotton full-cut women’s briefs which she bought for me. Ditto for the women’s pull-on pants, and the thigh highs. I prefer plain front pants as they are more typically female clothing, and the only colors available in everyday thigh highs are sheers in suntan and off black. She seems comfortable with them. The usually female item she is not comfortable with me wearing is a bra. Although there is a raison d’etre for it, I will wait to wear it until she’s comfortable with the idea. Similar with a dress; since she is an avid Trekker perhaps we can both wear the skant duty uniforms from Escape to Farpoint in TNG at the 50th anniversary Star Trek con in Las Vegas in 2016.