All great then waves of disgust ??

[stephi]

Hi

I haven't posted here for some time so here goes - does anybody else get the real urge to dress, almost overpowering - dress on, make up heels and sigh........... what a relief. Life is fantastic - what an escape.

Great for a few hours then catch a wrong glance in mirror and OMG what is that staring back - stuff ripped off and back to man mode as soon as possible, that was close, nearly a girl there. Been happening very regular with me recently, its screwing my brain up. Does anybody else get this. I have been a CD for years and years so not a new thing, wear panties and night dress to bed, etc. have femme tattoos on calves and feet that I love, may be just losing my looks (lol), or something? arghhhhhh?!?!?


Thx
Stephi

[Pat]

You get disgusted because you feel you look too much like a girl? Never had that. I've had the opposite where I get despondent because I'll never look like a girl, but never had a case where I was overwhelmed by too much success. Early in my "career" I'd have issues with myself being dressed after sexual release, but that's not a problem anymore.

[CynthiaD]

Waves of disgust? No, certainly not! Not ever! Are you feeling unhappy with yourself in general? Perhaps you need some professional help to get your feelings sorted out. Or not. Something to think about.

[Brandy Mathews]

No,
Never had that problem either. I try very hard to look the prettiest that I can, watch other women, how the walk, dress, do makeup. Go to sires to read up on all that too. When I am all dressed up, my makeup, nails, clothes look so pretty, I just want to stay there and enjoy the time as me. Makes me so happy. If I could do it 24/7 I think that I would, but I cannot. So sad.
Hugs,
Bree

[msniki48]

Stephi,

I have looked into the mirror and the wrong person is looking back, which just drives me into the hole, but it is usually because i'm going about my business and I feel wonderful [ not consciously on girl mode ] then I walk past a mirror and that guy is staring back and my heart falls to the floor. I have also had self loathing, as many of us have for many different reasons [ can't accept ourselves ] and unfortunately as I get older , the more pics I have to take to get a good one...that truly feels like niki is there....these things play with my mind and bring me down... so you are not alone.

hugs,

niki

[reb.femme]

This all started as a fetish thing for me, but that changed over time. I just like to dress / under dress now and love the feeling of being and looking more femme.

I wouldn't have describe my feelings as that of disgust, when I had exhausted the urge back then, if you know what I mean. I think once the itch was scratched, my mind came back to reality and it was more the case of becoming worried at being discovered. Pervert in a dress and all that. I like the look of me dressed, so maybe I am heavily narcissistic but if I can't like me, who else can?

Basically, I think its just one of life's phases for you at the moment. Let it ride and hopefully, it'll pass as quickly as it arrived.

Rebecca

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I suffered those waves...they started in my late 30's...and it turned out those were waves of sadness and misery that i had to go back to pretending to be a man..they got worse and worse until i stopped pretending to be a man..

you can spend some time analyzing for yourself what those waves mean to you, it may help you enjoy dressing more or get rid of those feelings by confronting them

[Nadine Spirit]

Yes, it has totally happened to me. It was something that was very difficult for me to work through as I had to bring forth thoughts that my own brain was having about what I was doing.

For me, I clearly remember getting fully dressed, as I had been for several years, and I was about to leave the house to go to the movies with my wife. I ran into the bathroom right before we left and I saw my reflection and I clearly heard a voice say "freak!" Of course being the only one in the bathroom I knew that the voice had to come from within my own head. Thus, even though I had cross dressed and been gender non-conforming for pretty much my entire life, and I had been fully cross dressing and going out in public for many years, some part of me was still disgusted with myself.

It was a very surreal moment. I did feel like ripping everything off and telling my wife I was done with all of this crap and throwing everything I owned away and willing myself to never dress again! Instead, I decided to start listening to the voices within my head and having a conversation with myself.

These conversations have gone something along the lines of:
"Freak!"
"Interesting, why do you think that?"
"Because you are a dude dressed up like a girl!"
"Yeah, and what is wrong with that?"
"Well everyone is going to laugh at you?"
"Yeah, possibly, but I doubt it, and really even so who cares what they think."
"Well you should care."
"Well, if I am a freak, then why would I care?"
"You should care what other's think."
"Why?"
"Because it is important to conform!"
"No, it is important to be willing to be myself."
"Umm... well okay."
"But you know you will be run down with torches and pitchforks, right!"
"Uh... where will people get torches and pitchforks?"
"You have a point there."
"Well, you are still a freak."
"Well you are mean."

The more I talk with myself, the more I hear what parts of my brain have to say about myself. And then I can attempt to interject some rationality within it all. Surprisingly while it feels a bit crazy in writing it out, it has really helped me to understand that most of my insecurities come from within myself and not anything that someone else is saying to me. I am more mean to myself than anyone has ever been. And that is sad!

The nice thing is I am learning to be much nicer to myself and to love all parts of me, even the "weird" parts.

[Katey888]

I think those of us of a certain nature will feel that sometimes Stephi... I wouldn't say disgust, but definitely the male, long-term conditioned part of me will occasionally assert and shout "OMG - this is just soooo wrong..." Not wrong in a moral sense - just the incongruity of me who I know is male me, looking like femme me... if you follow...

I think Rebecca's point is a good one - it's probably just a phase and you'll be back feeling happy and girly (or whatever your preference) in no time... either that or you will stop, and maybe that's just natural for some of us too?

Keep Calm & Carry On!

Katey x

[kimdl93]

Not at all. I don't feel one moment of disgust or shame or any other manifestation of self loathing. It's not that I'm pretty...I'm not, but I can accept myself, which as Robert Frost said, made all the difference.

[Beverley Sims]

Losing your looks and can't make the cut anymore?

Yes it can be troubling as you see yourself in a different light.

Stephi, you just have to adjust to that and life will appear to be better again.

[Rachelakld]

Often, when my brain switches personality and the clothing and looks take to long to catch up.
Sort of like "what the hell, why are we still in a dress?"

Other times it's the other way round "why are we still in boring clothes?"

[Sallee]

I wouldn't say waves of disgust. Sometimes I wonder why I dress. I know it makes me feel good but it can be hard to justify the wasted time or the money spent. BUt I guess it is better than some things. So not disgust just wondering why?

[MissTee]

It may help to simply not be judgmental in front of a mirror, and to focus on the feeling inside instead of the look outside. I have to think that way. Being barrel chested and possessing near 20" biceps, the only passing I do is on the interstate.

[Gillian Gigs]

There was a time when my dressing was totally a fetish thing that always ended with a physical release. In those days I couldn't get out of the clothes fast enough, and the waves of condemnation would wash all over me. In changing the things that I could and accepting things that I could not, I have my equilibrium and now the waves of condemnation no longer crash on my shores. It is sad how others can influence us in so many ways that are rather meaningless in the over all issues of life. When one thinks about it for a moment, there are alot of really big issues out there and dressing up isn't one of them.

[Lily Catherine]

This notion has floated up in my head recently, especially since I have a few days off prior to a month-long work trip.

I usually keep myself alert while dressed, as being caught in the act itself would lend itself to rather awkward scenarios (despite my family being somewhat aware, the topic is a fat, pink elephant that goes unnoticed in the living room.) I understand it's less than wise to be dependent on the words of others, but some shouldn't be taken lightly either, especially those of close ones. This usually creates a negative emotion of sorts –perhaps it isn't so much disgust than despondency.

---

Today, in an LBD and stockings (sexy!!), prematurely reading through a textbook before university takes me away. Footsteps seem to echo from a distance. Someone's coming. Off go the female garments, and I find myself naked in more ways than one.

Not one or two dissenting voices, but many:
"Don't you dare mess up my clothes."
"That's messed up. No. You are."
"Being yourself you say? Obey, conform, live up to values sincerely, then we talk."
"What happens if your pictures get all over the web*? Your future is at stake!"
"@#?! you!"
"Pervert."
"Tranny."
"Not important, not urgent, in the same box as mindless TV watching. Pointless, instant gratification**."

Actual words said by actual people (with the exception of the last, which is legitimately my own head), though I think most of the thoughts are in me rather than any external hostile thought. Or so I would really want to think.

* I'm not very worried just yet. On the other hand, the local Internet culture participates in lynchings of the next infamous public figure (one of whom cross-dressed to peep in the female toilets just a month ago).
**Instant gratification is occasionally described very negatively in circles near me, in contrast to 'true relaxation', whatever that means.

[TinaZ]

It was a very surreal moment. I did feel like ripping everything off and telling my wife I was done with all of this crap and throwing everything I owned away and willing myself to never dress again! Instead, I decided to start listening to the voices within my head and having a conversation with myself.

These conversations have gone something along the lines of:
"Freak!"
"Interesting, why do you think that?"
"Because you are a dude dressed up like a girl!"
"Yeah, and what is wrong with that?"
"Well everyone is going to laugh at you?"
"Yeah, possibly, but I doubt it, and really even so who cares what they think."
"Well you should care."
"Well, if I am a freak, then why would I care?"
"You should care what other's think."
"Why?"
"Because it is important to conform!"
"No, it is important to be willing to be myself."
"Umm... well okay."
"But you know you will be run down with torches and pitchforks, right!"
"Uh... where will people get torches and pitchforks?"
"You have a point there."
"Well, you are still a freak."
"Well you are mean."

.

Wow! I thought I might be the only one to have had conversations with my she self. Glad to read I'm not alone. Also relieved (and sorry) to read I'm not the only who can be viciously cruel to myself.

[Krisi]

Mirrors don't bother me much. Photographs do. The front and the back are OK but the side view (of the head) is the one that bothers me. I don't think any of us are in a position to judge our own selves in mirrors or photographs. It takes an outsider to say if we look feminine and how good or bad we look as a female.

[Stephanie47]

It has been many decades since I've had feelings of disgust. As a teenager in the 1960's, before the Internet, there was nothing for a young man to research to find out what the heck is going on with me: A young man wanting to wear female clothing? Yes, I felt disgust because society said I was suppose to be gay? I was defective. Very confusing. Everyone wishes to be like anyone else. You don't want to stand out, especially as a freak.

I got over it when I realized I just liked to wear female clothing on occasion. Of course, that did not alleviate the issues of convincing society it was OK.

Now? Well, in my mid 60's I know I do not look like the tall slender blond I was once was, male or female. I don't get close to the mirrors when I'm en femme. I look around and see there are many many women, who show their age. I just chalk it up to life's progression. Heck, I use to hate kisses from one of my grandmothers because the hair on her upper lip "stuck" me, yuck!

[msniki48]

Wow! I thought I might be the only one to have had conversations with my she self. Glad to read I'm not alone. Also relieved (and sorry) to read I'm not the only who can be viciously cruel to myself.

WE all are not alone with so many of these feelings, and that is why this site does so well and is a safe haven for so many of us.

hugs

niki

[Barbara Jo]

I never feel disgust........ just a feeling of frustration when I look in the mirror .
I get frustrated that I do not have a feminine face to match my feminine (for a male) body.

[Teresa]

Stephi,
What you describe are the feelings usually associated with dressing for sexual pleasure and the following guilt ! I'm glad I've lost that now !
I did think I would start to feel disgust or revulsion when I reached my sixties, in fact I prefer my look as Teresa than the guy behind her ! The forum has been great in opening my eyes when seeing older members still looking good and enjoying their Cding as much as ever !

Maybe try getting a new wig and get a different look, become a new woman, it's easier than becoming a new man !

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Stephi, It's just the opposite as I try to look as feminine as possible I love seeing that pretty lady smiling back at me
I hate to have to get undressed.

[GingerLeigh]

There is a vast disconnect between the euphoria of how I feel and how I actually look. As long as my feeling pretty overpowers my reflection in the mirror, I'm OK. When it doesn't, I too want to rip it all off. I guess it depends on how long I wait between times that I dress. The longer I wait, the less likely I will feel like tearing it off. I guess dressing is kind-of like beer goggles. When you're drunk (with euphoria), everything looks good.

[JocelynJames]

Occasionally I will buy A piece of clothing without trying it on and swear it will look great and because I don't have those curves that would totally make it work I just get disgusted and take it off immediately. I have to remember to get the boobs and hip pads in, maybe the corset going too and all is good