What are we running after?

[Lily Catherine]

Or rather obtusely, what do you want out of cross-dressing, or for that matter, whom do you want to be / become? Not exactly searching for reasons and becauses - finding one is a pain in the neck already! - but rather what outcomes have you in mind. Or, seeing how the outcome isn't everything, is the process (most of) the entire point for some of you?

(I'm at the start of a month long hiatus from dressing, and was pondering over this while on a flight. For me, I guess the desired outcome's a cocktail of pleasure, catharsis/release and an arbitrary 'prettiness'; passing is secondary for now.)

PS: If such a thread is, for all purposes, indistinct from any earlier thread, kindly move it to the appropriate location.

[Rachel Lea]

I wonder the same thing, what is the outcome I want???? Possibly it is just self expression, women usually can express themselves but men can not, unless it's about sports. Or at least I can not express myself, so possibly I think I will somehow become more expressive or fun. As a man, I guess I do not like myself very much.

[kimdl93]

I would avoid using the word 'we' in such questions. It presupposes that all,of us have the same motivations. In reality, we know that the transgender universe is incredibly diverse.

What is also clear is that motivations differ by age, experience and state of self acceptance. Once one has attained the latter, there may be no other goals or aspirations beyond living well.

[Lily Catherine]

Edited accordingly to avoid the presupposition mentioned by Kim. It's definitely unwise to paint all of us in the TG community with a single broad brush.

[Kate Simmons]

I am myself Lilian. This is just one of my many forms of expression.

[Suzie Petersen]

Good question Lilian. We usually discuss the Why thing, but your angle at it is, as I read it, more of a definition of the end goal, or, as you said, a possible realization that sometimes it is the journey, not the destination, that is important.

As i have gotten older, I'm sure the answer has changed too. When my journey started, it was difficult to find information or other like minded people, so it was really a search in the dark. Kinda' hard to have a goal if you don't know much about it all.
I wont pretend to know all of it now, but I do feel I know enough to understand the possibilities, so with that in mind, my dream situation would be to get to a point where I could chose to express myself either way, male or female, all depending on how I felt that day and what I was going to do that day.
I am very comfortable with my male self and have no desire to transition. I have been down that road in my mind, and could have taken that route, but that is not who I am and not what I need.

That dream scenario of course also involves that, either, the world in general is completely accepting of gender expressions and nobody would even blink, regardless if I "pass" or not, or .. that I could completely pass in all aspects when so desired. For me, I suppose that is the ultimate dream.

So if your question is more of a definition of the process of dressing versus the being dressed time, then I would say that it varied for me. Sometimes I really liked the time spent in girl mode. All dolled up, around the house or out and about. But .. I was always a bit of a perfectionist and the search for the perfection of the female looking back from the mirror or from the photograph, was a big thing for me. Experimenting with new or different techniques and creating, for lack of a better word, a female expression with myself as the canvas of the body I was given to work with.

I dont dress anymore and have stopped that desperate search for the woman inside, but .. if things in my life were different, or the world at large were a lot more accepting, I think I would be living more or less a 50/50 male/female lifestyle.

Oh and btw Kim ... you are assuming that there is only one transgender universe! What if some of us are actually existing in a parallel transgender universe!!

- Suzie

[Lynn Marie]

As usual, Kim is right on the mark. I'm older and I fully accept my CD affliction without fear, doubts, or worries. I have no goals other than improving my presentation and making friends. Not necessarily Internet friends, but rather real live CD girlfriends I can go out and commiserate and party with.

[Amy Fakley]

I don't really think I have a "goal", other than to have that wonderful feeling of being completely comfortable in my own skin. As you said ... it's a potent cocktail :-)

Oh and btw Kim ... you are assuming that there is only one transgender universe! What if some of us are actually existing in a parallel transgender universe!!

- Suzie

what if this is the Transgender parallel universe ... and that's why so many of us feel like outsiders? Maybe we are mirror reflections of our "normal" selves in a different universe?

Attachment 243579

[pamela7]

is the goal "to be found", "to be out"? I did not start this with a goal, it was fuelled by an urge, the why of which i have no idea, perhaps an inlking of rebalancing my life, not consciously though.

I have discovered that as a male I was constantly "at war, on guard, aware of possible enemies", in business or at school, rivals for love, etc. It's a life riddled with competition and conflict. As the Japanese say, "business is war". Since xdressing, people are nicer to me, even if I'm not xdressed. I feel this is my integrating anima, the bits of me society pushed out as I grew up a male. I feel less egoic, probably non-egoic most the time, which given the clothing and colour-combo side of things might seem strange. But that's not for other people, its for ME to feel good, comfortable, happy.

There is no "goal" though, in the outcome-oriented sense, for me. There are little milestones that reflect how I'm pacing my world around until it and I are fully fine with whatever my clothing 24/7 whatever location. I have to be guided by my feelings on what is right, and so like Luke, I feel the force, lol.

[MsVal]

That's a good question Lillian. Thanks for asking. I am enjoying others' answers and feel obliged to offer my own.

I am just a passenger on a bus. I was happily looking out the window, chatting with the other passengers, and enjoying the trip to old age. Then, a couple years ago there was a change of drivers. The new driver is a crazy person with no map and no idea where we're going, and that doesn't bother me at all. I am comfortable with the adventure while I continue to look out the window and chat with the other passengers. One of them is a talented therapist who helped me embrace and enjoy the trip.

The driver may be crazy, but goes to lots of interesting places. My goal is to see what interesting places are around the next turn, and then the turn after that.

One day the bus may stop and it will be my turn to get off. I don't know where that will be, or when. I'm curious and anxious at the same time.

I'll send you a post card.

Best wishes
MsVal

[irene9999]

Not looking for much myself, just like the way I look and feel when I'm fully dressed.

[Suzie Petersen]

Amy: what if this is the Transgender parallel universe ... and that's why so many of us feel like outsiders? Maybe we are mirror reflections of our "normal" selves in a different universe?

A parallel universe would explain a lot of things!

Maybe .... I exist as a woman in another universe, a female who is struggling with her gender identity and secretly dress up and go out as a male! When alone at night, she dream of a time and place where people would just understand her and let her dress and do what she wants. Why dont they get it? She would be so much more interesting and joyful to be around! Free of the shame and guilt.

She grew up playing with toy cars and building Lego castles and climbing tall trees, always hanging out with the boys since the girls didn't really want anything to do with her and thought she was weird. Why didn't she like frilly dresses and makeup! Weird I tell you!

Every now and then, when she is cross dressing as a man, all dirty with oily hands after secretly working on her car restoration project in a hidden basement, she looks in the mirror and smiles as she catches a brief glimpse of ... me!

Hmmmm ......

- Suzie

[Isabella Ross]

My goal is much like yours, Lilian. Just pure pleasure from being dressed and feeling pretty.

[Suzann3]

Lillian, Irene and Isabelle you are just like me. I have never had a goal. I did question my sexuality until I realised I wasn't the only one who liked wearing clothes of the opposite sex. I thought I was odd. I have no desire either to go outside. I enjoy becoming Suzanne because it feels great to pamper myself, it relaxes me, eases the stress of the day, a private escapism. Others do it by playing computer games, or going out to eat, visit the cinema, go dancing, go to the gym, dressing up and attending conventions...me I dress up en femme. I have no goal, I just enjoy it, it's fun!

Suzanne x

[CynthiaD]

I have another question for you. In addition to crossdressing, most of us also wear male clothing from time to time. What do we expect to get out of that?

I find it impossible to answer either question.

I dress in female clothing because that's how I want to look. When I want to look male, I dress in male clothing.

[Pat]

Like Majikthise and Vroomfondel, my goal is the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything. I might as well look good doing it.

[justmetoo]

ha ha, Jennie-cd!

I don't think I have an outcome or goal except to be me. I just enjoy it as it comes.

[Suzie Petersen]

Jennie ... It's 42!

[cassiekat]

I guess I also never found a clear defined goal. But it makes me a better person because if I don't dress for awhile I become a real jerk.

[Rhanda]

I was going to write a theses on this subject but could never get the thoughts to come to a place that would apply universally. Each one has their own goal and so I decided to let the tapestry weave itself.

My reason for entering this "struggle" is to join with those that have some of the same goals and I don't agree completely with any one here. My goal is freedom to wear the things that I want to without fear. There are still articles that I would like to wear that would not be acceptable even by my wife. I don't care if I pass or not. I go more fem with makeup when I'm dressed more fem. but that isn't a attempt to look fem as much as to blend.

I have to admit that I find myself in some degree of contradiction.

I don't know if this is helpful but I had to get it said.

Rhanda

[Tracii G]

Not running for anything or trying to prove something to myself,Just enjoying the other side of my personality.

[Beverley Sims]

By dressing I am freeing my inner self.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Lilian, For me it's the satisfaction of looking as feminine as possible.

[Sarina Curtis]

For me I don't feel like I'm running after something; it's more like I'm running to something. My end goal is just to find a balance within myself that has been long missing. I only truly discovered how off kilter I had become once I admitted to myself who I really was and accepted that Sarina needed a bigger place in my life.

[Ceera]

The question of what someone wants to get out of crossdressing or transgender transitioning and where they feel they are heading is likely to get as many different answers as people who reply, and for some individuals, may even change from day to day depending on our mood and needs.

I have been crossdressing and getting out en-femme to a nightclub or dance or anime convention or furry convention about 2 to 6 times a month for a year or so. But I'm 'out' so far only with my daughter and a very small handful of casual friends. My close friends and work associates and the rest of my family don't know yet. Coming up with some answers to those questions has been a very interesting personal exercise for me.

In my case, I started expressing my feminine aspects quite late in life. My father was homophobic, and as long as he was alive I didn't dare express or explore the cross-gender or bisexual feelings I know I have had since high school. I was 54 or so when I first started underdressing, after my parents had both passed away. I didn't go very far at all beyond reading and writing stories that involved transgender and crossdressing characters and actually wearing panties under my male attire until after my wife (a genetic female) unexpectedly passed away. We had shared 30 years of living a straight and monogamous life together and raising a lovely daughter with her. Yet throughout our dating and marriage, with my wife's knowledge and understanding, I had been repressing my being bisexual, while I remained faithful to her. Once she was gone and I effectively had no one left to answer to for my behavior, I was 56 when I first put together a full female presentation with wig, makeup and clothes to match.

My height and build are definitely not what anyone would think of as feminine. I'm too tall, too broad in the shoulders, and my hands and arms not particularly feminine. Still, I've seen plenty of genetic girls who were dealt a worse set of genetic cards to live with. While I might not be a contender in a beauty pageant when in female mode, I can at least say with some confidence that I look more attractive than quite a few real women my age that I know. I am also confident that I do a better female presentation and voice than over half of the TG gals that I have met in my home town, some of whom are well along the path of medical transition.

I don't think, in my case, that I will ever transition to female medically, or try living full time as a female. I'll probably only go as far as getting my ears pierced, my eyebrows reshaped, and maybe getting waxing or electrolysis done to eliminate my facial hair and the hair on much of the rest of my body. (What guy really enjoys the chore of shaving anyway, especially if their beard grows so fast they have to shave 2 to 3 times per day to look neatly groomed?) Hormone therapy and breast or SRS surgery are not likely to be in my future.

Yet as I prepare to move to a new state, where my neighbors and virtually everyone who will know me will be a fresh start, I'm quite seriously considering living in a 50/50 balance between my gender aspects, and being completely open and 'out' with my new friends and neighbors. They will, from the beginning, know that Ceera is just as much a part of me as my male aspect, and that they're likely to encounter me in either gender presentation. I telecommute full time, so 'transitioning at work' isn't necessary for me even if I want to be in full female mode while working (except for my voice). And even if I choose to let co-workers know about Ceera, my employer has strong rules protecting the rights of the LBGT community and prohibiting discrimination based on gender or sexual preference. Realistically, the only real worry I'll have about openly being Ceera part of the time will be the possible reaction of my sister and a very few other relatives if they find out. And all of them will still be hours away from the town I'll be living in.

So, that is all about where I am coming from. But I've also come to a few conclusions about what I am seeking and what I get out of crossdressing, as well as what I am not seeking or desiring.

First is that I'm a crossdresser and not a drag queen. I don't want to be seen as a guy presenting a parody of female looks and behaviors, for entertainment purposes. I certainly have nothing against the drag queens. I enjoy their shows tremendously and tip them generously when I attend their shows. But what they do isn't what I want to do myself, at all.

When I present as female, I want to be perceived and accepted as a real woman, or at least as someone who is striving to look and behave as a real woman and doing a respectable attempt at it. I love feminine clothes and shoes and I love making myself pretty. Women have so many more choices when it comes to attractive clothing and presentation! Creating a good appearance is a challenge for me, and I love doing it. I try very hard to make my appearance, voice and behaviors realistically feminine in all regards. I love it when a group of girls invites me to join them as 'one of the girls', or when a lesbian or bisexual gal makes her interest in me known, or when guy sincerely complements me and says he finds me attractive and wants to spend time with me for the evening. While I never lose sight of the fact that under all the makeup, clothes, wig and padding I am still a male, my mind 'slips into girl mode' when I present as female, and I truly enjoy 'being a girl', while it lasts.

When I go out, I want to be seen and admired. I enjoy being complemented on how pretty or attractive I am, how nice my clothes are, how well my nails, makeup or hair are done. As a male, I rarely get complements from others about my looks or about how I dress - and I have few good reasons to 'dress to the nines' and present a particularly nice male image. I virtually never have strangers stopping me and telling me they think I'm hot or sexy or beautiful/handsome, or even just giving me a friendly smile and a clearly admiring look. But as Ceera, I get friendly looks and open complements from strangers and casual friends virtually every night that I go out! And I love it!

I love to dance while in female mode, either by myself or with partners of both genders. I like knowing that people are watching me dance, and that they think I am dancing well and look good doing it. If I go out as Ceera and I get to dance even just once or twice with people watching and admiring me, it's been a good night, regardless of what else does or does not happen. I like it best when there are lots of people and when I get to dance with both men and women, several times in the evening.

I'm not particularly looking for a date, a partner, or a relationship, either with a guy or a girl. Having my female aspect become friends with someone of either gender, even intimate friends, isn't out of the question. I'll admit it's quite pleasant when someone chats me up or buys me drinks or wants to be openly affectionate, and that happens a lot to Ceera. But that isn't my main motivation for dressing and going out in public as a woman. I'm just as happy if all I do on an evening out on the town is have a few drinks, talk to some people, and dance the night away. I've found that I'm going out socially as Ceera and NOT going out to similar activities in male mode, at least in part because I feel it is less likely that anyone I do connect with will expect to form a lasting relationship. It's too soon after the loss of my wife for me to seek a new mate or partner, and with a cross-country move in the works, not fair to anyone to consider romantic entanglements when I am soon to leave the state and never return.

I do eventually desire to find a mate or intimate friend(s) that can accept and appreciate that being Ceera as a part of me. Once my move is completed, I probably will seek a partner of some sort. But I'm in no rush to do so. It would be delightful to have a new life partner that fully accepts me and encourages me to express myself in all regards and gender presentations. Yet if it came down to a choice between a straight, non-CD relationship or continuing my crossdressing, the straight relationship would probably win. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life.

It also isn't particularly about sex or even 'gender identity' for me. Being Ceera and meeting people as a woman, and even hooking up with people of either gender, is fun, and as someone who has repressed their bisexual nature for most of their life, it's very nice to at last feel free to 'go with the flow' and just let it happen, if it feels right. But sex isn't a strong driving force for me. I don't suffer from gender dysphoria. I don't feel a strong need to really change my birth gender. I see myself as a bisexual male with a some strong feminine aspects to my personality, which I can't fully express as a male.

I don't ever want to be a 'Trap'. I do not want to get intimate with anyone who doesn't realize that I am functionally male, regardless of how well I may be presenting a female persona. It would be wonderful if I could pass 100% with any group of people. But I refuse to enter into an intimate relationship based on a false impression. If anyone wants more than a hug and a chaste kiss, they need to know and accept me for who and what I am.

There's probably more, but this is too long already. Thank you for reading my response to this very interesting question.