Hi everybody, I'll apologize for two things right off the bat 1. This is going to be a novel of a post, and 2. I'm trying very hard to be open minded, and that is very very difficult for me as I wasn't raised in an open-minded family. I apologize in advance if I offend anybody by submitting to stereotypes or unintentionally.
Here's a little background: I've been with my fiancé for nearly 4 years. We met in college and I knew only a short while into it that I wanted to be with him as long as the universe would let me. When he graduated he got a job a state away and eventually moved me up with him. A little over 2 years ago I was packing to go back down to Oregon where we are from for my Mom's wedding, and I found a huge bag full of women's clothing. I was very confused, upset, and frankly scared. This person I had been living with and had discussed marrying was suddenly completely foreign to me. I tried to make up excuses for why he had all these clothes in our closet, thinking it was stuff he had held on to from a previous relationship. But couldn't get over the breast implants and the fact that all his stuff was nicer than my stuff. I left that night (a day early) and was very hesitant to return. We talked a bit while I was away and he told me he never realized it could hurt someone the way it hurt me, and that he wanted to stop. I came home, and I insisted he go see a counselor to get to the bottom of why he dresses. All he could tell me was that it helps relieve stress, and I was (still kind of am) convinced there is a deeper reason. He went to see the counselor for nearly 2 months and then told me he didn't need to go anymore.
A little over a year passed, we got engaged, bought a house and started planning our wedding. I walked out to grab the mail one day and there was a filer from Soma, a store I have never shopped at (I like VS), with his name on it and a customer number. I asked him about it, and he said he had no idea how they got his name. I didn't buy it, so I went on to their customer service page and started a live chat. I gave them all his information and they told me when the last purchase was. He had been dressing again for 5 months and even though I have been asking he hadn't told me he was having problems.
At this point I had it out with myself that if this is something he needed to do I would find a way to be alright with it. I wasn't sure how I would explain that (heaven forbid I had to) to my future kids, but I would learn to accept that if he needed "sparkle time" I could leave and find something to do so long as he talked to me about it. I climbed into the attic that night (which according to him the attic isn't part of the house, so it was never actually in my house) and pulled down approximately $500.00 worth of clothes, again - much nicer stuff than I have ever had. (I get my VS bras during the semi annual sale and consider it a treat).
I have up hope that a 1 on 1 counselor would help, and he agreed that we need to go to couples counseling. This was right about the time that I was getting ready, and actually just had, quit a job with a very hostile work environment that resulted in a very bad impact on our relationship, which I still think has to do with this "relapse".
We were doing better than ever, I agreed to continue on with the wedding, and we were beginning to talk more about difficult topics like the dressing, we also started doing more things together. He would help with some of the crafty things I had to do for the wedding, and I took up cycling and bowling which are both things he likes to do.
Fast forward to last Sunday - Easter. We went over to Panera to have breakfast (a treat because we are both on a diet) and when I got back in the car I saw a reciept from Macy's on the floor. I figured it was one of mine because we had bought some shirts and such for the wedding just a week before. When I looked closer at the reciept it was time stamped for a time that I was at work. I asked him what is was, he got defensive and finally fessed up that he had gone shopping again. Once again it was in the attic. I Had him bring it down and show me. I asked again if he needed to do this and that I could accept it if he did. He assured me that he doesn't want to, he just doesn't know how to stop. We padlocked the attic shut, and I have the keys on my person at all times.
Now to the last part of this story. I was looking up a video on YouTube using his phone. And in his previous searches had searched for "how to make Breast implants" or something along those lines. I was planning to ask but not let it bother me because I knew he had been dressing. There was one other search "27 m to f" that one bothered me. Because all the related videos are trans(?) (forgive me, I'm not sure what the proper term is, I think it's transgender though?). I know I have a double standard here because I can accept men who are becoming women (despite not understanding) however I know I couldn't marry a man who was wanting to become a woman. I lost it, I was more confused than I ever had been. He said he had been looking as sites like these and was looking into it because he wasn't sure where he fit in, what his title is, and why he does this.
He has been dressing since he was about 16. He says he is certain that he likes being a guy and being with girls. I want to believe him so badly. I know he wouldn't hurt me intentionally. I just feel like I can't get out of this wedding if I wanted to. Part of me does want to leave on the basis that he can't seem to be honest and talk openly with me. But the other, much larger part of me loves this man to death and only wants to see him be the best he can be whether or not that means dressing. One of the friends I have that knows swears he's going to come home one day with his boyfriend, however my roommate in college (who happens to be lesbian, and I love that girl to death) doesn't think that is the case and thinks it's a manifestation of his inability to express his femininity in the outside world. I honestly think he straight, and this is a way to relieve stress, not to mention the thrill of being "bad" and going against society's standards.
I'm sorry this has been so long. I just don't know what to do to help, he wants to stop and I'm more than alright with that, he knows I would support his choices should he decide he wants to continue to dress. I figured this would be a good place to turn for some support, I don't have any friends that dress, and the one person I knew that did is gay - which doesn't help my fears.
Thanks for your help, and sorry it's so long.
Taielyn