Helping a SO understand

[c2candice]

One more thing to note. Based on most others here, and those of myself to my wife.

He is totally in love with you, cherishes you! You are everything to him.

Dressing DOES NOT replace you! You guys will have to figure out how it fits into your dynamic. Some wife's participate, others know it happens, and give them space.

Chances are good that he does not want to transition to a female full time. For many of us, it is a part time hobby. But best get him counseling, to see if he has gender identity problems.

Chances are good that he doesn't know the answer to any of your questions, but he wants to give you comfort.

Chances are, he is scared about his own future. I myself fear that I am headed down the path of transitioning. Though I am 98% sure this will only be a part time thing, contained between my wife and I.

This is something you two can cope with! Make sure he knows that he can be completely honest. That's the only way it's going to work. He is dealing with years of shame, guilt, denial. It's going to be hard for him. At the very least he needs to be honest about his own feelings, and wants going FORWARD. No sense dwelling in the past for either of you.

You feel betrayed, but be clear that he wants to be with you. This is complex. You will both be figuring it out at the same time.

All the best,
Candice

[Beverley Sims]

Taielyn,
Hang in there, the dressing is unlikely to stop, more than likely he is not gay, nor will he transition.

There may be many experiments at trying to look good and you can help by being supportive.

If he is attractive you could both go out dressed and this is a great outlet.

The neighbours need not know.

[Stephanie47]

Taielyn, I really do not have any advice for you. This is something you and your boyfriend need to sort out. Me?

1. My first experience with wearing women's attire was donning nylon full slips my mother hanged in the sole bathroom to dry. I loved the feel of the material It was totally different from my boy clothes. There was no desire to be a girl. My mother and aunts did not dress me as a girl to punish me. I had no sister and minimal contact with "yucky" girls. I was/am all boy. I played from morning to night.

2. I expanded my "interest" in women's clothing as a mid teen. I have not idea why. Again, there was no outside stimuli. I felt like crap. Society labeled men who wore women's clothing as "queers, faggots, fruits" and worse, and, were free game to beat up and torment. I knew I was not gay, but, I was totally confused. I was into self loathing. I had no idea why.

3. I went to a prestigious public high school. I went to a prestigious public college. I did well. I was drafted. I served in combat and killed people as required of me. I was more man than 90% of my male friends. I suffer from that more than I ever suffered from wearing a dress. Yes, wearing women's clothing does relieve stress. It was a better way of relieving stress than drinking or doing illicit drugs or womanizing.

4. My wife and I raised two great kids..educated and prosperous. They are loving and consideration. They are great. I take some credit for it.

I could go on and on. The point is, we are no different than any other male. There are cross dressers who are boorish individuals who will not consider their wives. You'll read about their belief on this site, too! Again, we are no different.

Some relationships are "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." Some are fully engaged. And, any where in between. I will say you need to set boundaries. You also need to figure out if you can accept him as he is. Do not expect him to change. He'll try. He'll succumb. You'll get testy. You'll destroy each other. If you cannot live with a cross dresser because of your morale beliefs, then do NOT marry him. But, if you do want to be his wife, then you and he need to establish boundaries.

[cheryl reeves]

sounds like your so is heading for disaster thinking he can quit to make you happy...you want a happy husband or a miserable and sneaky husband? thinking he is going to quit is going to lead to him really hiding his femme side from you and being sneaky and not truthful period..speaking from experience this almost destroyed my marriage 16 yrs ago..my problem was my wife knew i told her then hid it from her entirely except lingerie time to time, which lead to me doing stupid stuff and getting caught..she was the one who burned down the closet i was hiding in and getting me to meetings with others and going out in public,she was the strong one in the times i was weak and wanting to go back to hiding..12 yrs ago i stopped again( except for panties which are more comfortable) for personal reasons and family reasons,but still dressed when alone and i mean alone which was rare,now that all that is behind us we are finding we are starting over again from scratch,but we still have the foundation we laid 16 yrs ago which is a plus.

[Tina_gm]

Hi. my thoughts are that he wants to quit because he WANTS to just be a "normal " guy. I still go through this quite a bit myself. I know I have given my wife an extrordinary circumstance to deal with and to accept simply because of who and what I am. For the very reason I love my wife, I want to alleviate any difficulty in her life but just being me adds to it.

Society may not be as hard on crossdressers as it used to be, but still far from accepting or comfortable with it.

There is so much ingrained into us from day one about being tough and Yada yada. How sick, demented and deviant those Transgender people are. Funny how cheating and abuse can be forgiven.... but Transgender which hurts no one but yet our society views it far worse.... so no wonder we spend so much our lives fighting against our own selves. It is definitely what your fiance is doing. It is what nearly all of us do or have done.

[giuseppina]

Hi Taielyn

It sounds to me like your fiance may want some sort of aversion therapy. Unfortunately, this has been shown to be ineffective and unethical because it causes mood disorders like depression, anxiety and anger issues in some cases. In effect, it tells people not to accept themselves as they are. This is not conducive to good mental health.

Perhaps you or your therapist can persuade your fiance that accepting himself as he is, including crossdressing. is the best choice. This is a decision he has to make himself.

He made a good choice in a life partner.

[kimdl93]

Ok, here's my two cents on the matter. The problem is not that he secretly desires to become a woman...it is that he has not accepted himself as a CDer. Btw, transgender is an umbrella term encompassing a wide spectrum of gender related variations, such as the fetish dresser, the occasional cross dresser, the middle pather who lives with his/her feet in both worlds, to transsexuals, who actually do identify as women. He is most likely towards the fetish or occasional dresser end, but hides because he is ashamed and confused. Unfortunately, he has lived much of his life in shame, denial and hiding, so it's a hard habit to break.

My advice is to focus on helping him get over the shame. This isn't a condition that can be cured, but he can learn to accept himself and to be honest with you. If the two of you work on those two things, you can go on to a long and happy relationship.

[suchacutie]

Hi and welcome. Your finance is a lucky guy to have you! Before I give you what may be a wild thought, let me tell you that my wife and I discovered my feminine side together, after 34 years of marriage. We thought we knew ourselves and each other well, but suddenly Tina appeared and within 48 hours we had named here and started an in-depth conversation about who she (Tina) had been in our lives and how she might fit in for the future, now that we knew she existed.

Given that, let me suggest that you might not want him to stop exhibiting his feminine self! In fact, it might be important for both of you, as it was to us, to find out who she is (this third person in your relationship) because it very well may be that many of the characteristics you love about your finance are manifestations of his feminine self. I've read this whole thread and he seems really confused about how to come to grips with his own femininity. You can be incredibly helpful by helping him to understand who he is. Unfortunately, he already has a pile of guilt and fear built up which will have to be diffused. I was lucky to avoid that step.

The person you know as the man you wish to spend the rest of your life with is complex, but it's clear you are in love with all of that. The easiest way to settle this is to dive in and embrace it with him. Remove the uncertainty and really find out who this man is you love, and what his feminine manifestation can do FOR your relationship.

Tina has brought our marriage closer, not farther apart, and I hope it can do the same for you.