Benefits to a SO of a CD partner

[Katie Russell]

Hi

There always seems to be a lot of negativity from some SO about their CD partner. I believe that there are also positives and so to balance the books I think that we should find as many positives as possible. If the positives can outweigh the negatives then we must be in a better position.

The following are generalisations but I think that they ring true to many of us. Please feel free to add your own both from personal experience and observation of the community as a whole.

I believe that CD partners are loyal to their SO. Why else would we agonies over revealing that part of ourselves. To trust someone that deeply with 'the secret' show great loyalty, love and a commitment to the long term. All the posts I seem to read are about staying with a SO and how you can please her. Equally I believe that protecting her from 'the secret' still show that long term commitment. The fear of losing your SO compels you to keep the secret as you cannot imagine life without her.

I belive that CD make better husbands and fathers. We have a sensitive side which means we can show affection in ways that 'real men' find it hard to do. Kisses, cuddles, crying at sad movies can't be bad. Overwhelmingly we seem to feel more relaxed and at peace with ourselves - isn't this good for a partner and family?

I believe that we look and women as equals and role models. We appreciate how difficult it is to be a woman. When we dress it's out of respect for femininity and not as a means of ridicule as is the case for non-CD men. Having that respect has to be good for society as a whole.

Katie

[Teresa]

Katie,
I do feel the frustration of what you're saying I don't think my family will ever see the true worth of Teresa ! The fact that they don't does make me irritable and short tempered at times and I hate myself for it ! Those feelings melt away when you have the sensations in the background of what you're wearing !

[RADER]

Katie;
My Wife said much the same thing. She was always getting praises from her friends on
how great of a husband I was; most of her friends wanted to borrow me for a wile.
My wife would say..."No,He is All Mine"
Rader

[Katie Russell]

Hi Teresa

I've sent you through a PM with a book recommendation. Sometimes I think that a non-related third party with something in common with your wife can get a message through. It's always easier hearing from someone who's independent and has been there, done that and got the T shirt. That's why support from GGs on this forum is so important not only to us but our SO who come here looking for answers.

I don't think that it is all gloom and despair - there are positives and overtime those SO who have learned to accept the CD for the way he is have only benefitted from the relationship.

I wanted to get as many of those positive stories as possible so that we can see that there is hope.

Katie

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Katie, My wife is DA/DT but she knows all about everything but just doesn't want to see me while I'm dressed.
I treat her like a Queen and was a great father to my two grown daughters
and the worlds greatest Grandfather to my one and only Grand-daughter.

CDing has brought out the softer side of me.

I've had 68yrs. to practice this program.

[Maria 60]

It was very surprising for me when I joined here and found out women weren't accepting to crossdressing. When I told my wife it was 1986, no internet no information at all and she was OK with it. But wait a minute, it wasn't that cut and dry, we both had to work out some bumps, we both herd what we wanted to hear. I told her I was OK in the closet and never wanted to become a women, and she told me she will help me as long as I stay in the closet and it's our little secret. We found our balance and it's now thirty years later. She sometimes reads the post here and can't understand whats wrong with a husband wanting to crossdress, she points out to me comparing with our other friends how we are so much more closer and we do more things together and how amazing it is to have a husband, father to our children and a friend all in one, and believes the dressing is the glue in our relationship. We found our balance, sure I would like to go to a social group and maybe get a make over or express more of my fem side, and I am sure she would want a husband that didn't crossdress and the extra cost of fem things. I believe that is the key, finding a balance that both people can find a happy medium for each other. My wife believes that people are not good with change and aren't willing to give things a chance and if she would have reacted different thirty years ago she would have lost thirty years of happiness.

[Lee Andrews]

Katie;
My Wife said much the same thing. She was always getting praises from her friends on
how great of a husband I was; most of her friends wanted to borrow me for a wile.
My wife would say..."No,He is All Mine"
Rader

I can't keep count how many times my SO's girlfriends have said to her they wish their husbands where more like me. Not sure what I do different but thinking about it now. We do talk about most things, do most things together. I always praise her, tell her I love her. I guess the average guy wouldn't notice the new way their wife does their eyeshadow or an outfit she has put together and comment on it. LOL I'm sure the CDing has something to do with it.

[suchacutie]

Ignoring the big changes for a moment, there are a million little things that changed when my wife and I discovered Tina almost 10 years ago. For example, my wife just called out to me, "do we have any spare toner?" Notice the "we"!

As we tried to understand who Tina was/is, we have had, and are still having, so many conversations about who we are, about our experiences growing up, sharing with each other what it is to grow up in our respective birth genders. Men are so fond of saying that they will never understand women, yet that is exactly what we strive to do since that's what a part of our beings (from some small fraction of us to a very large fraction) wish to be. We can climb out of the male "mr. fix-it" mode to a more classic feminine mode of "let's discuss this" without losing a beat. My wife was always "late" for everything until Tina arrived. Now she's not late for anything because we both know what it takes to get ready to go out, so expectations have changed.

Then there is the practical side of things, for example: skincare and makeup generate a shared conversation; "what do you think of this outfit" question to me gets an informed response instead of just "lovely, dear"; "I just got a run in my pantyhose, can I borrow one of yours?

Life will never be the same....isn't that grand?!

[Jenniferathome]

Katie, I can't buy into this hypothesis at all. All the things you mention are true of any good husband. I raised three kids with my wife and I was the dad that always had a moment for hug, book reading in bed, coaching T-ball, etc and NOT because I was a closet cross dresser at the time. I was a good father because I loved my kids. I was a good husband because I loved my wife. "Good" men make for good fathers and husbands.

In truth, accommodating a cross dresser is an inconvenience at the very least for wives. No rational person would want a partner who had some aspect that required subterfuge and secrets from family and friends. While many here, myself included, live comfortably with their wife while being out to her, my wife quite naturally wishes I was not a cross dresser. It just makes life easier.

[Katie Russell]

Dear Jennifer

It is not just my hypothesis but that of someone with far higher qualifications in this matter than me. The wife of a crossdresser and a Dr Ed.D who has written and researched extensively on the subject of crossdressing.

There are plenty of example on this site of crossdressers who do not live a life of subterfuge and secret. I am sure that their lives are enriched by the benefits that a CD partner can offer. I'm sure my wife and many others have many things she wish they could change about their SO that would make her life easier!

Katie

[Sandra]

I believe that CD partners are loyal to their SO.

Really, then explain those cders who go off and find a man to make themselves feel feminine and don't say it doesn't happen because it does. As for making better husbands and fathers, does that mean that those men who don't cder aren't good at being husbands and fathers? personally I think that's andinsult to the male population.

[ReineD]

I'll jump in and say that I agree with Sandra and Jennifer wholeheartedly. Being a good husband or father is not dependent on crossdressing.

Your other points: You mention being "equals". The majority of men that I know today are not chauvinistic. Men born in the last 20-40 years have had working mothers, they don't think of women in the same light as 1950s and prior gender roles. And men who are older also respect women. I'm thinking of my dad, uncles, etc. Gender roles were more sharply defined in past generations, but this doesn't mean that men didn't value the role their wives and mothers took on.

You also mention that CDers appreciate how difficult it is to be a woman. I think that most women would say it's not difficult at all. The amount of time I spend grooming myself daily is about the same as a man's, except maybe an extra 5 minutes to shave my legs in the shower, or an extra 5 minutes in the morning if I decide put on foundation and a bit of blush.

I do agree with you on one thing: some CDers do see women as role models more than non-CDers.

[Beverley Sims]

I feel that we have a better insight into our wives well being.
We do generally make good husbands and fathers but so do a lot of straighter men.

[pamela7]

is this thread going with the spirit of the OP?

pluses:

1. which male partners have a greater need to be attentive to their SO's needs?
2. which male partners are more likely to be in touch with their feminine side?
3. which male partners are more likely to be able to share a fem shopping/movie/outing experience?

minuses:

1. which male partner leaves the house with his SO worried what might happen to him while he's out?
2. which male partner is more likely to embarrass his SO through his clothing?
3. which male partner is more likely to be spending household budget on atypical luxuries?

There are families where men need to be men, others where men can be more balanced. As we can find no gender-stereotypical behaviours outside of childbirth and breastfeeding, its all social conditioning. And that means CD'ers are imho more predisposed to be balanced in their M-F expression. But then i'm new to this, so what do i know?

[Sandra]

is this thread going with the spirit of the OP?

What do you mean Pamela? Are we now not allowed discuss what the OP has written fully in her opening post, or are we just to pick the plus and minus facts and not get down to the nitty gritty of what really goes on. I don't disagree that there is pluses and minuses, but lets get them all out in the open and not just pick and choose the nicer ones.

[AngelaYVR]

Really, then explain those cders who go off and find a man to make themselves feel feminine and don't say it doesn't happen because it does.

In my search for girls to accompany me on my adventures, I discovered that most of them are married and all but two of those just wanted to get into my panties. Yes, it happens a lot.

[CountessVF]

My SO thinks it's fun to browse catalogs together and likes that I have opinions on the subject of style that exceeds "That's nice". But I don't cry at movies, unless you count crying at the register paying for overpriced concessions.

[pamela7]

What do you mean Pamela? Are we now not allowed discuss what the OP has written fully in her opening post, or are we just to pick the plus and minus facts and not get down to the nitty gritty of what really goes on. I don't disagree that there is pluses and minuses, but lets get them all out in the open and not just pick and choose the nicer ones.

Only moderators "allow" here, Sandra :-). I agree to get it all out in the open, just like the xdressing!

[PaulaQ]

What possible benefits do you think there could be that offset some of the massive downside that this seems to involve for so many cisgender women?

As best I've been able to tell, even in situations of acceptance, save for fairly rare cases, this is hard as hell for a cisgender SO. My belief is that even some of the most accepting women on this forum, for example, have struggled with their trans spouse.

It's better for the folks who are "just a CD", but it still seems really tough on an SO, they face:
- questions about trust
- questions about their place in the relationship
- finding they aren't in a cis-normative / hetero-normative relationship - many have no idea how any other sort of relationship could possibly work
- questions about their SO's sexuality and sometimes even their own sexuality (I think the latter is often not discussed, especially with older women.)
- questions about their own identities as women, questions society hasn't even given them language to frame, much less ask
- fear of loss of their SO
- loss of attraction to their SO sexually

Sure, many of these things can be overcome, as many here have overcome them. But what could you do, what could you possibly do, to overcome that stuff, if your spouse feels some of those things I list? I'm not trying to be negative or mean, just realistic.

Because if the best you have is "we're more sympathetic to women and their issues", then I gotta tell you, if that's what she wanted, she could've saved a whole bunch of trouble and married a knit-cap & Tom's wearing Vegan guy. Some of those guys are really sensitive. (But still solidly men - beards and all.)

I'm not saying it's a bad thing to be sensitive or sympathetic towards women - quite the contrary, there are a lot of men who have really bad attitudes towards us. But it just doesn't seem to balance out the bad stuff, at least from the perspective of women who experience the bad stuff.

Again, I don't mean to be negative, and I also feel like a gigantic hypocrite when I say this - but it's the truth - I wouldn't want a partner who was a CD either. It would be a sacrifice from my perspective to deal with this. (I really do feel bad for saying this.)

I would deal with it, one way or another, and I suspect I have waaaay more tools and perspective to help me understand what is going on than I would think most cisgender women would come equipped with. But it would be hard on me too, if I'm honest about it. My reason for having difficulty with it would be the very last one I listed above. (A lot of the self-reflective reasons and angst I list above, real as they are to so many women, wouldn't phase me. Who my partner is doesn't really affect who I am or my own self-image. I'm just me.)

Believe me, I've had to face these questions myself: "What benefit could my transition have had to my spouse? What could I have done to make up for the horrible things she felt, and apparently still feels."

And the only answers I've been able to come up: "Absolutely none from her perspective" and "Absolutely nothing." (I don't much like these answers, by the way. Like them or not, though, they are quite real.)

But again, what do I know, I'm trans? It'd be nice to hear from some more cisgender women, particularly ones who have found some benefit from their partner's transness, in this case, CDing.

[Katie Russell]

Dear All

I was hoping that the post would inspire some positive responses to help those SO and CD coming to the site looking for some answers with some hope that things can work in the future.

Instead I get the impression from some posts that we are no different from other men accept for the negative of CD. That's great news for any SO coming to this site!

Marriages can and do work for many on this site and there were some positive examples of how it does from other posters.

In my original post I said

I think that we should find as many positives as possible.

I can't stop people being negative and everyone entitled to an opinion but as Tina Z asked in her post about unsolicited fashion tips - if it's not asked for please refrain.

I've been on this site for nearly two years and I have learnt a lot from good friends I've made. They have given me great advice and encouragement. Early on I posted and received a PM from another member. She contacted me privately because of the constant negativity she has received when she posted. I know how she feels! I'm going to have to take a break from posting on the site and will only respond to my PM in the foreseeable future.

Katie

[AngelaYVR]

This isn't Facebook where we just mindlessly hit "like". If people disagreeing with your notion means you take your ball and go home then I'm not sure what to tell you. You did ask for our experiences and observations, after all.

[detty]

Dear All,

I have some positives about body care here which my SO noticed and appreciates since I am more regularly dressing. I am taking much better care of my body. I do regularly moisturize, which I did not do before. Skin on my face used to be very dry. I lost weight, I keep my heels nice and soft, nails, nailbeds nice. Got rid of all bad habits around them. She said I have surgeon hands now. She also likes how the body hair is softer and less due to waxing. Generally I am following the rule: as you get older, control body hair more. Meaning brows as well as the places where hair is growing, despite the fact it should not, like nose and ears. And she sees it takes effort and time. She even took some moisturizing advice and she borrowed some of the creams. Felt complimented.

I have written a few posts on these things, if you like, check out my website.

Kisses,

Detty

[ReineD]

Dear All

I was hoping that the post would inspire some positive responses to help those SO and CD coming to the site looking for some answers with some hope that things can work in the future.

I admire the effort, but you need to remember that SOs who read threads here already have opinions based on their personal experiences. Their attitudes are also based on general social attitudes about CDers (they are gay, they all want to be women, they do this for fetish, etc). So if you only present the positive side without mentioning the possible negatives, these SOs will not think that your post is credible. They'll think you're trying to pull the wool over their eyes.

And a lot of these SOs know other men than their husbands (exes, their fathers, brothers, male friends, etc), and they know that other men are kind and compassionate too.

[Allsteamedup]

Well I've been 'here' for forty years and have yet to find one positive.

Mind you, I am picky. Lying, stealing, dishonesty about purchases and internet content.....I don't even have the advantage of an SO whose supposed feminine side is soft, tender, gentle, thoughtful.

I genuinely would like to know what I have missed. Is it because I am a professional lady whose clothes fitted that life with no time for mall-strolling? My SO would not go to the cinema. Meals out are family only.

What else could she have contributed? Really would like to know folks!!

[pamela7]

it's pretty clear then, that the male of the CD species is no different to the male of the non-CD species, full range of positive and negative; if you marry an asshole he might still be one when he's in a dress?!

Seems to me, some of us become an alter-ego when dressed, and others remain the same. So I can imagine the alter-ego types might well become better husbands. But then surely some guys must get to "bitch" when en-femme, cos they can't en-homme?!