Coming Out to a Male SO

[Christa]

I've read lots of great and helpful advice on coming out to your significant other. But I'm interested in some of the unique issues that a gay couple has when one partner identifies as a crossdresser.

I came out to my man of 15 years a few months ago. The progress has been slow, but it has been progress.

I think it's especially difficult to come out to another man about crossdressing... especially one who's not attracted to women.

Any similar stories? Any words of wisdom?

Thanks!

P.S. It's amazing how similar my story is to many M-F couples. And I truly appreciate all the advice that's already been offered on that perspective.

[Amelie]

My SO is a man. But he met me while I was dressed as a woman so I didn't surprise him later on.

I know you and others here say that it is difficult for a gay man to acept his partner as a crossdresser, because gay men usually only like to be with someone who is a man. But the same logic can be applied to CD's with female partners, most female's want a man, just the same as a gay man wants a man. so both SO's, gay men and female have similar dififculties in accepting a man who wears womens' clothes. This is why so many M-F couple stories are so similar to yours and mine, we go through the same situations in life as straight couples do.

If your SO loves you, then the clothes should not be a big problem. Gay men can love a man who wears women's clothes, they can see the person beyond the clothes, just the same as female SO's can see beyond the clothes of their cding partners.

There are gay CDs out there, they just don't come to this forum, but they are out there and they do have understanding partners.


I hope you and your BF have a happy life together,

Amelie
xxx

[flicka]

An interesting post ......

Both myself and my SO were widowers when we met, in my case 8 years; his 22 years. Our M/M attraction for each other was a surprise to us both. Unlike Christa, I lost no time in "Coming out" to him. Our physical attraction, and my CDing is private - conducted within-doors. I enjoy my Femme role and feel so comfortable and natural indulging my femininity; e.g. changing clothes, jewellery, etc. appropriately as the day progresses. He accepts me fully; indulging and encouraging my whim. He says, (as Amelie stated), the clothes make no difference - it is the person within whom he loves.

My CD-ing goes back for many decades; my "Gay"(?) I barely acknowledge - but accept I must be so.

I am happy - so too my SO - that's all that is important to us.

I too am interested to know if there are any other CD-ers with male SO's on the members' roll - or are we the only ones living other members' fantasy?

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

I'm straight, so take this for what it's worth, but Helen "My Husband Betty" Boyd was talking elsewhere today about how she thinks things like whether one is MTF or FTM, your partner's gender and each your sexual orientations are actually a lot less important than things like when the SO knew about their partner's TG-ness, where the T-person is on the spectrum and is that changing (especially if they're thinking about transitioning), and how publicly out the T-person is.

So for example, Helen feels she's got far more in common issues-wise with a lesbian who's the partner of a butch who's thinking about transitioning than with a wife who's husband came out as a CD 20 years into the marriage.

With that in mind, I imagine issues of trust might be similar to those faced those who came out years into their marriage. OTOH, some of the "cultural" issues are undoubtedly different -- for example drag queens are a part of gay culture, but that cuts both ways. There's a recognition that some men do crossdress, but... 1) that's a specific style of crossdressing and if you're not doing in that way, it could freak people out; 2) there's gays I know who dislike drag queens because they see it as an association with old stereotypes -- which is different that a hetro woman's objection that crossdressing is "unmanly." But I'm sure y'all know more about the specifics that I do.

Anyway, I think Amelie's points are well taken.

[TaraB]

i've never had to come out to any boyfriends as they have always known before dating so they know what they are getting into before hand. Sexually speaking its much more satisfying being in that total female roll when with a man. Even intercourse is up 10 notches when in full role.

[Christa]

It's so encouraging to know there are other gay cd-ers here. Thanks for your replies. And your points are well taken.

It's remarkable how similar the issues of coming out to an SO are, regardless of their gender. I think Marlena's right: trust has been one of the biggest points of discussion for me and my SO. Hopefully my complete honesty will start to rebuild the trust we shared for 15 years.

And Amelie and Tara make good points: thie cd-ing was a known fact from the start of their relationships. That wasn't the case for me. It's only been recently that I've had the courage to "look at" my cd-ing as a part of me that's not going away.

Flicka... I share your interest in know how many other cd-ers here who identify as "gay". While the majority of our struggles are common, I still think there are some unique issues about cd-ing for men in gay relationships.

Thanks again, one and all, for the support!

XOXO

Christa

[tifftg]

Ever since seeing Brokeback Mountain, I have been wondering what would have happened had I accepted a gay friends offer to experiment many many years ago. As I thought about the movie, I realized I think that what he liked about me was my more macho appearing side and that had he met Tiffany he wouldn't have been attracted. One never knows, but a very interesting question.

Tiff