Factors in Acceptance From Spouses

[Nadine Spirit]

Recently on my blog I received an interesting question about how my wife and I are perceived in public. Both Jules (my wife) and I responded on my blog and gave our opinions on the questions. To that post I received a comment from a reader that has had me thinking ever since. Basically the comment was that the "key" factor in my wife accepting me as transgender is that my wife is bisexual (even though the post had nothing to do with my wife's acceptance of me). I responded that I thought my wife's acceptance of me is due primarily to our ability to communicate with each other. The person then responded with:

Being a bisexual or gender non-conforming wife opens your mind to non-standard relationships with transgender husbands and minimizes those reasons that wives divorce their husbands for crossdressing. I have seen this as a common trend where these relationships exist.

On the other hand, no amount of talking between them will save a marriage if the wife can not except or is not inclined towards tolerance. I have seen this too.

From what I have seen on this forum, most marriages do not end in divorce upon revealing one's gender variances. I think if we could classify them, possibly what happens most is some form of DADT. But I have read of many marriages ending but many marriages with quite accepting spouses.

So my question to any of you, how many of you that have accepting spouses attribute it to having a bisexual or gender non-conforming spouse? And how many of you attribute it to the overall relationship you and your spouse have, regardless of your spouse's gender or sexual preferences?

[Sandra]

As a wife I am not bisexual nor am I a gender non-conforming spouse I am me, and our marriage has continued due to us both working together in the relationship which was strong to begin with. Everything, and not just to do with Nigella's transitioning is talked through together, neither of us just goes ahead and does things with talking to the other one about it, IMO this is where some go wrong in that they don't keep the other person in the loop so to speak.

[Danitgirl1]

To my mind the single biggest issue is the relationship itself. If the 2 parties have love and mutual respect and are truly committed to the marriage then it will be strong enough to survive these kind of challenges.
If there is distrust, a lack of respect and a lack of commitment to the marriage then it will not survive challenges.
I have blogged about this before and you can read the full article there (see my signature for the link). The article is titled 'On acceptance and appreciation' if you are interested.

[Jenniferathome]

Well Nadine, you and Jules met my wife and saw first hand what we are like. When we are out together with me presenting as female, we are two individuals. We've been married a long time so we get each other. When out as husband and wife, the only difference is that we hold hands and maybe kiss in public. She is no less accepting of me because she is straight and would be no more accepting if she was bi. That's just not a factor in the slightest amount. And I would bet that Jules' bisexuality is really not a factor. IF, when out in public, you two hold hands and kiss, then the bi thing would work in her and your favor but I still doubt it's any relevant factor at all. My wife and I have a long history together. We have an honest relationship. We love each other. That's it.

[Pat]

My sense is the person is rationalizing. I don't think there' s a hard and fast rule to be had here. But do I have evidence? No.

[Gillian Gigs]

I have an accepting wife and I would say that the acceptance is mostly due to communication, mutual respect, and a loving relationship. Part of a loving relationship is over looking the other persons short comings, faults, weaknesses, and quirks. CD'ing being a quirk, not the other three. A loving relationship is a two way street.

[CountessVF]

My wife participates when I'm so inclined. However she has zero attraction to women. Sorry if that upsets the theory.

[EllenJo]

Interesting hypothesis. My wife and I were DADT for many years. She was born and raised in the Netherlands and comes from a very liberal family. However she is not in the least bi sexual. In our case as long as she was sexually active, she could accept me wearing panties. Actually she asked me to try on a pair of hers one night and I never went back to male underwear. However she was not attracted to me in a dress. So in our case the question might be what changed her mind about the DADT. Her response has been, that while she was active she needed the stimulus of me in a very masculine form. And believe me it was worth it because we were very very active. We are now in our 60's and due to her health problems we no longer share a bed. At that point she told me that I could dress as much as I want. She felt that since she was no longer active, it was ok for me to present female and she has no problem with it. During DADT I did not feel cheated in any way. I guess we were always able to talk about things and express our needs and desires. Communication was the key. We both respected what turned us on.
Hugs
Ellen Jo

[Marcelle]

Hi Nadine,

My wife is neither bisexual or gender non-conforming. I attribute our communication and relationship with out ability to weather this part of me.

Hugs

Isha

[Laura912]

I can echo Isha's response.

[kimdl93]

I do know that my wife had some bi experiences earlier in her adult life. While I would agree that lends itself to a more tolerant perspective of gender variants, one cannot underestimate the value of an open mind, a kind heart and a willingness to talk through problems in a calm manner.

[Meg East]

I have an accepting wife and I would say that the acceptance is mostly due to communication, mutual respect, and a loving relationship. Part of a loving relationship is over looking the other persons short comings, faults, weaknesses, and quirks. CD'ing being a quirk, not the other three. A loving relationship is a two way street.

Nailed it. It's all about communication and acceptance.

[Tina_gm]

Perhaps. a bisexual wife or gf might have an additional acceptance in terms of knowing what it is like to be somewhat different.... But I would think, that a woman who is attracted to other WOMEN, would want the REAL thing, not a man dressed as a woman. I do see how it can be easier for bi sexual women in some ways, but still, I do not think it makes them more able to be attracted to us. I don't think they would seek us out due to their bi sexuality. Not being bi sexual I cannot really say, but it would just seem to me that a person who is bi would want either a man or a woman who is that and not a mixture. I could be wrong, so I guess we would need to hear from those who are that could validate or not validate the theory.

As for my wife, she is not in any way attracted to other women. Her acceptance of me is due to how I make her feel loved and cared for, period. She tries not to think much of my being transgendered, as there is nothing she can do that alters or changes it. She accepts it that it is me. She is not one who likes it, or understands it. Tolerate could be a word I suppose. From our conversations, she is looking at it as dealing with something that she does not care for, which we all have things about our partners that we do not care for, so that we can reap the rewards that having that partner give us.

[Stephanie47]

When my wife and I were first married we dabbled with lingerie in the bedroom. My wearing nightgowns and hosiery was nothing more than playing with some sexual enhancement. Later, when both of us realized there was more than bedroom play progressing, my wife was turned off. There was a time in her life before I knew her that she is not proud of. She had told me of those exploits before we were married and I fully accepted her. I thought, if her issues were to resurface, we would work through them. That has been the case. She reluctantly accepted my cross dressing, but, expressed in a time of strained acceptance of it, that she wished she had not told me of her exploits. She said a non disclosure would have allowed her to end our marriage without revealing herself as hypocrite.

I think many women reject cross dressers because society would look at them as also being non-conforming. It's the old, "How can she stay married to a cross dresser? There must be something wrong with her too!"

Over the years my wife has become very tolerant and really very supportive of gays and lesbians and transsexuals. I don't think she has extended that level of tolerance to cross dressers. I think the reason for that is me! How the heck can an other wise 100% great male want to wear women's clothing? I cannot answer her question since I don't really know either.

[Tina_gm]

One thing I really despise is hypocrisy. Unfortunately, being human, I have been guilty of this in the past, and probably will be in the future. I will say though, that I am less hypocritical than many, due to my dislike of it. Having said that-

I don't know that your wife is really being all that hypocritical. Yeah, that may sound weird coming from me. In my above response I am pondering the notion that someone who is bi-sexual does not have any more like of transgenderism due to their being bi-sexual. They are attracted to both, yes, but they may nbe attracted to the attributes of both masculinity and femininity, but not a combo of the two in one person. I don't feel that is hypocrisy.

I do not feel that your wife being a supporter of gay lesbian and trans people has to equate to wanting one for her to be a spouse. I do not feel that supporting a person to be of equal existence and freedom has to equate to wanting any particular person as a spouse. To me, hypocrisy would be if she was to CD and yet not allow you to, or if a person was wanting to be with both, but not allowing the other the same, should that be the case. Hypocrisy to me is a person who will take certain actions or expect certain provisions for themselves while not allowing the same for others. Or more simply stated perhaps, a certain more lenient set of rules for themselves while a stricter less lenient set of rules for others. I don't necessarily see your wife guilty of this by not being a fan of your CDing.

[avant1465]

My experience is that acceptance by a G/F, S/O, spouse is more a function of their openness to new/different/maybe, unorthodox ideas.... rather than THEIR sexual preferences........ I've been blessed to have S/Os who accepted that I crossdress.... and none seems to "fit" the details/prescription(s) that are posed, herein..... BUT (they) were accepting of MANY ideas that might not "fit" (in the box)!!!!!!

[MsVal]

My dear wife and I were married nearly 30 years when I told her of my nascent interest in crossdressing. Things were VERY uncomfortable for a few months following that disclosure.

In the year or so since that time, a lot has changed, and the change has been for the better. We communicate much better, we are closer, and our relationship is on solid ground once again.

Like Gillian said, I attribute this to
- Having a good relationship initially.
- Having respect for one another's feelings.
- Wanting to be better spouses.
- Accepting all of our partner's characteristics.

None of these are related to sexual or gender identity.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Jenniferathome]

?... She said a non disclosure would have allowed her to end our marriage without revealing herself as hypocrite. ...

I am sorry to derail Nadine's thread but this comment blew my mind. Stephanie, is this for real? Why stay married? By the way, actions are not required for hypocrisy. She is a hypocrit.

[Lexi_83]

The difference between my ex-wife and non-accepting women I dated before and after was that she had friends where the husband crossdressed, she'd gone out with them to parties (husband and wife were both really attractive) and thought they had a really good relationship. So when I first mentioned that I'd crossdressed for Halloween, then that it was more than one Halloween, then more than just Halloween, she was able to relate. She never expressed any bisexual interest despite many bi and lesbian friends (from tennis) and ample opportunity (because - built).

Had your respondent said, instead, that an accepting SO believes that gender or sexual identity is a continuum rather than binary, that I'd be more likely to agree with.

[Nadine Spirit]

My sense is the person is rationalizing. I don't think there' s a hard and fast rule to be had here. But do I have evidence? No.

I think there are many factors involved in being accepted or not. And understand I feel that anything short of divorce constitutes some form of acceptance. So even the most vehement DADT is still not divorce.

I think there is some rationalizing going on, or at least some theorizing based upon the experiences they have been involved with or have observed. As well, I think if you have been in a situation where you have been rejected for revealing your gender variance, I am sure that no one really wants to "blame" themselves or their approach for the rejection and when it is stated that it may be the communication in the relationship it sort of implies that one may be at fault. But communication is a two-way affair and if both parties are not committed to it, it will not work.

But I would think, that a woman who is attracted to other WOMEN, would want the REAL thing, not a man dressed as a woman..

My wife and I have been talking about this quite a bit recently. Being bisexual, she does indeed want the real thing. She likes both. She finds both to be stimulating. She does not really see me as a woman. Well, at least in the same way that she is turned on by a woman. It is kind of funny in that she likes women really for their naughty bits. So while I make a fairly decent looking woman, I do not have the womanly bits that she appreciates. She likes men for what men possess and women for what women possess but me dressing as a woman was difficult for her in a variety of ways. When I just did it on occasion at home, she was more inclined to say, whatever, have fun. When I began to go outside, she had a VERY difficult time with understanding it. And a VERY difficult time with being comfortable with going out with me. It wasn't like she said "oh hey, I am bisexual so yeah I love you dressing as a woman, it is in fact exactly what I have always wanted, a man dressing as a woman!" Which is what I think some picture it as. It is only through our non-stop desire to work it our through open, honest, constant communication that we have been able to survive.

[Lexi_83]

//It wasn't like she said "oh hey, I am bisexual so yeah I love you dressing as a woman, it is in fact exactly what I have always wanted, a man dressing as a woman!" //

Tara Babcock says that's exactly what she's looking for.

[renees]

I feel the biggest factor of acceptance is open, honest communication. I used to believe that being bi helped with my acceptance of my SO, but now feel that has less to do with it. We are very open about everything and I simply accept my SO for what they truly are, my best friend no matter what.

[Kristy 56]

When my wife found out a few years ago she was shocked. Shocked because we had been married for 36 years. Does she like it ? No ! Does she accept it ? She accepts me for who I am ,but really doesn't understand it. Right now we have a DADT relationship and we don't really talk about it. Things probably would've been better if I hadn't pushed the "envelope " so to speak when she was trying to come to grips. As far as I know she has no bi tendencies,although at times I have to admit to being a little bi curious.

[Teresa]

Nadine,
I'm totally hetro but my CDing needs are to share with a woman sexually !
On one occasion my wife declared that it wasn't going to happen, she wasn't a lesbian ! My reply was neither am I !
What my wife values in trying to keep our marriage intact is retaining what we've worked for financially so our children get the full benefit ! At the moment she will tolerate my CDing, she knows she doesn't have the man she married but that works both ways, I would like to think love comes into it but I'm not holding my breath !

[MissTee]

My wife might be a rare breed, but to her clothes don't change gender. She tells me sometimes I'm a guy in pants and sometimes I'm a guy in a dress. In either I'm still a guy, and she's still a girl. So, there is no problem.