Factors in Acceptance From Spouses

[ReineD]

I fully accept my SO and I have from the onset. I am not bisexual.

I think the degree of acceptance is proportional to many factors: when the wife/girlfriend finds out (while in the throes of new love, or after 20 years of marriage), whether it is a first or second relationship, whether there are young children at home, how connected is the couple to begin with, whether the wife/girlfriend has conservative religious views, where they live (urban vs. rural, and some cities/counties are more progressive than others), how much the wife/girlfriend has traveled (she has met a wide variety of people), and I'm sure other things that don't come to mind at the moment.

I also want to say that I know two bisexual women. Each one has been in long term monogamous relationships with men and women, not just a dalliance or two with same-sex while in college. One of them was in a lesbian relationship with another woman for 10 years and she is now married to a man. The other is single at the moment, but has been in 1-2 year relationships with one or the other. Anyway, they both told me the same thing: although they embrace the idea that everyone should present in a manner that feels good to them, they are not personally attracted to people who gender-bend. Being bisexual does not guarantee an attraction to feminine males or masculine women. Oh, and a third bisexual GG that I know fell in love online with a newly transitioned, MtF TS. This TS moved here and they were married. They divorced two years later. The GG is now in a relationship with another GG.

[Kate T]

Personally I think that sexuality is a minor influence in marriages staying together with transitioned partners. I think it mostly has to do with how well the couple communicate and as you said Nadine, how connected they are to start with.

I think there is also an underlying issue in couples staying together through transition and that is the lack of support and encouragement both in society and within our community for those who wish to stay together, in particular a lack of support for the partner of the trans individual. There is plenty of support if that partner does not wish to stay with the trans person and even here on these forums I think there is an unconscious bias towards legitimising partners separating in the face of CD'ing or transition. In no way am I trying to blame partners who struggle with this really, but when a partner consciously decides and says "stuff it, I don't care what society, my family etc. thinks, I love this person and we will face it together and STAY together" then they are met with lots of platitudes of "oh you are very brave" and "that's such a sacrifice you are making" that seem to imply that their life from then on is doomed to being less than what it could be if only they had married someone normal. I'm not saying it is a bed of roses being married to someone who is trans but there is beauty in this that can and should be celebrated. Trans individuals in our community are also not immune to this with individuals swamped with albeit well meaning but nevertheless fairly negative advice of "be prepared to lose everything when you transition".

I think if we could provide encouragement and yes, positive support for partners and for those who are trans to varying degrees then we hopefully can have more couples who stay together. Let's face it, they are going to receive plenty of "negative" support from the general community so do we really need to reinforce this?

[SheriM]

There is not one answer that fits every spouse. However, in my own experience, I think that being a crossdresser makes me more open to the sexual identity issues of others. I believe that in most cases, we are either born gay or straight and it is not a choice. Sure, environment can influence people to be gay or straight but only if there are some tendencies that they are already born with. This is one area where we must be tolerant. I just don't believe that you choose your sexual identity.
So, if you have an accepting spouse, it can be because you have a very good relationship but her upbringing could also be a factor or her own sexual identity could also be a factor or her experiences with other transgender/gay people could be a factor.
Sheri

[Krisi]

My wife is neither bisexual or gender non-conforming. Actually, I can't see how a person could be bisexual and in a monogamous marriage. To be married, one has to "settle down" to sex with a single partner, whatever gender that partner may be.

Having said that, relationships are complicated. Love has a lot to do with it of course, but there is often a dependency, especially after many years together. How many of us would break up a thirty or forty year marriage and go looking to start dating again?

So in my marriage there are mutually understood boundaries. The neighbors, friends and family cannot know. That's fine with me, I don't want to have to deal with it either.

[Danitgirl1]

Krisi, of course you can be bisexual and monogamous. A heterosexual man may like brunette and blonde women in different ways, or he may like women with both big and small breasts in different ways. When you commit to one person you commit to that person. Sure you may be tempted by something new or different, some may submit to that temptation others not. This is true of everyone regardless of their sexuality. It does not invalidate their ability to marry or be monogamous if that is what they choose. Not all marriages for that matter or monogamous. Sone or 'open' others are polyamorous, polygamous etc.

[ReineD]

Actually, I can't see how a person could be bisexual and in a monogamous marriage. To be married, one has to "settle down" to sex with a single partner, whatever gender that partner may be.

Bisexual means the capacity to be in a relationship with either a male or a female. It doesn't mean both at the same time as in cheating on a partner, no matter the partner's sex.

... but when a partner consciously decides and says "stuff it, I don't care what society, my family etc. thinks, I love this person and we will face it together and STAY together" then they are met with lots of platitudes of "oh you are very brave" and "that's such a sacrifice you are making" that seem to imply that their life from then on is doomed to being less than what it could be if only they had married someone normal.

"Less than"? I have not been faced with a transitioning partner, so my gut reaction to the GGs who stay the course (with MtFs) is rather, "Good for you!" ... not to imply their lives are somehow less than mine, but as an acknowledgment they have discovered they CAN maintain a romantic relationship with a same-sex partner. Not everyone can do this, many GGs are turned off the idea of being with another woman. It's not a remark on how brave or loyal these SOs are, it's an observation on their flexibility because I don't know if I could be so flexible.

I'm guessing this is where most people come from, when they make comments to the spouses of transitioners. They try to imagine, as best they can, how they themselves would react under the circumstances which is difficult to do unless one is actually there.

[Meghan4now]

I'm inclined to agree with some of Reine ' s thoughts. My wife can tolerate me, and has gone out with me in public. But as far as romantic intimacy, is dead against me dressed. We would probably have an issue if I were to go full time, and definitely split on transition. My wife is really turned off by the idea of being with a female. So it depends on what your definition of acceptance includes.

[LilSissyStevie]

I don't think there is much correlation between bisexuality and attraction to TGs. My LTR girlfriend before I got married the second time was bisexual and I can guarantee that the only reason she was attracted to me was because I was in one of my denial, over-compensating, ultra-masculine phases. Even the women she was attracted to were anything but girly-girly. She liked women that were rather plain, no makeup, jeans and t-shirts and athletic - think Linda Hamilton in T2. She was totally gay for that girl. I think that being a top/bottom or dominant/submissive is just as important or maybe more important than so-called sexual orientation. My ex-GF was a bottom all the way so any sign of "femininity" in the traditional sense was a turn-off to her. On the other hand, my wife has no attraction to women but is not turned off by my feminine presentation.