Questioned by close friend after coming out.

[Megan G]

So I am finally out to all family and close friends, the pressure just got to the point that I could no longer take it and had to get the monkey off my back and try to give myself some space to breathe and grow...

The initial coming out went well in my opinion, no one had much to say and seemed to really be a non event during the actual conversation. Most of them were at a loss for words and showed a lot of sympathy for what I have had to endure. This gave me some hope that the future may not be so dark after all.

Well that was a week ago and I was hoping for a quiet weekend but I guess that was not in the cards. Friday night while cooking super for the family one friend stopped by for a few drinks, this was the lifelong friend that said I could still come moose hunting as long as I did not wear a dress...lol Well after a couple drinks he opened up with the questioning and I spent the next 3 hours defending myself and trying to explain why, how and where I am going. Thankfully it was kept upbeat and nothing bad was said, however it was quite mentally exhausting defending myself.

The one question/comment that was said multiple times was "why can't doctors just go in and fix that part of the brain instead of trying to alter the body". There was lots of talk like that so it shows he is concerned and is trying to process this news. Another comment was "I am losing my best friend" but I kept telling him that I am not dying, in fact I am doing this so I can live and thrive...

My brother also texted me e other day saying that he cannot imagine the stress that this is putting on my life and that he would like to talk in person. My closest friend that has known about me for Over a year told me that my brother was talking to her last week about me and trying to understand. She explained that she is concerned about me and that I could really use his support while I navigate these rough waters of transition.



Megan

[kimdl93]

I suspect the few drinks may have contributed to your friends need to talk. Alcohol works enough as a conversational lubricant, but not so much for comprehension. I do suspect he fears losing a friend...which in some sense is understandable...that sense of loss thing. But on the other hand, life and your friendship aren't all about him. In reality, you're not doing this to deprive him of a friend, but rather to relieve yourself of the years of pain. Perhaps after he has processed it, he'll realize it's not fixable in the way he might wish, but that your life and friendship can go on.

[Krisi]

I think it's natural for someone to ask questions and try to understand what's going on in your mind. This is not something that's common and there's not a lot of information out there for the public.

Be glad he is asking, he could just walk away and not be a friend any more. I think it has to be very difficult and awkward for someone who has been a close friend of a guy for years to have this friend suddenly become a female.

[Michelle.M]

The one question/comment that was said multiple times was "why can't doctors just go in and fix that part of the brain instead of trying to alter the body".

Because the brain isn't broken, it's just different. It's the body that needs to be adjusted.

[Janelle_C]

When I came out I got a lot of very off questions. One if my favorite was, are you going through a mid life crisis. What I had to remember is that 96% of the people I came out to had no context for this. I tried to educate those who want to know more. But I cut everyone a wide berth for awhile. I know how hard that can be. I wish you all the happiness in the world!

[Ann Louise]

The line I got that I'll never forget was "Couldn't you just be gay, instead?"

[Megan G]

Oh I got that one too....lol

Can't you just tell people your gay and like guys. That is way more accepted today than what you are doing. - that was my friend Friday night

[Nigella]

Coming out is an ordeal for anyone who is seen as "different". It is also a time of levelling, a time when you find out if your friends and family are true or just shallow.

The one thing that does concern me, in your OP you have said you were "defending" yourself, what is there to defend, you are you, you have done nothing wrong and have to answer to only one person YOU !!

[Persephone]

For the most part your family and friends want to support and continue to love you, but from their perspective you are different in ways they cannot comprehend. The questions can continue for quite a while, but being engaged in dialogue with you means they are still on your side.

The sense of loss, that their brother or their father or best friend is "dying," makes perfect sense. From their perspective, even if you remain together, your relationship will be different.

It is easy to see things from our own perspectives, easy to say "I have to be me." But you, your former you, has been in their lives for years, and while they may eventually embrace the "new you" they will grieve and mourn the loss of the relationship they had with the "old you."

As much as we need their compassion, understanding, and love, they need ours too.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Rachel Mari]

"Couldn't you just be gay, instead?"

Funny, that's what my wife said. She thought it'd be easier all the way around.

[Sammy777]

Talking is good. Them asking questions and looking for answers is a good sign.

Its weird, I didn't get the "Are you gay? / Do you like guys now?" questions.
In fact it was quite the opposite as my family/friends knew I liked women, a lot, lol.
I did get a coupe of "You like guys??" [In a more surprised way] when I came out as Bi/Pan.

[Karen62]

When I came out to my father 3 weeks ago, he seemed to take it over the phone pretty well (he lives on the opposite side of North America than I do, so telling him face-to-face was not possible). But I heard from my step-mother the next morning than he was reacting in an emotionally angry way and told her that I could have been cured "if I went to the right doctor." Now my father has no basis of understanding medicine or psychology, but to me, this was just an early part of his processing the information. He finally called me a week ago, the first time we had talked after that big phone call, and said he felt his son was dead. I said, "That person's intellect, his sense of humor, interest in history, science and technology, that's all still here. No one died. I am still here, Dad." He's 78 and he's struggling with it, but I also understand that this means he's not yet rejected me. He's still processing this. My mother was onboard with this from the get-go, but my dad will likely take a long while.

Megan, I wish you strength and perseverance in getting past this rough patch in your road to transition. If this is right for you, no one but you can tell you differently. Own it, and you own your destiny.

Karen

[Kris Avery]

I have had my very bumpy road in the last few weeks, but I think things might work out...at least OK.

I think the hardest part is for people to understand that this is NOT a choice or a lifestyle. It's really a shame that the tabloids and talk shows make it out this way.

Second to that idea is that you are not trying to hurt anyone. In fact, you are actually trying to STOP the hurt.

In the end, it will always appear selfish to outsiders - and to a certain extent I am forced to conclude that it is.