Him, Her and Me - The balance of our alter egos

[AbigailJordan]

Hi there everyone. Pretty new to the forum and have been trawling through the posts. I see a lot of talk about finding a balance in relationships, when going out, underdressing, andro-dressing etc etc.

But it got me to wondering about the emotional balance that people have and exactly how they view their alter ego.

I will explain what I mean. When I am in guy mode, I will refer to Abi as a third person "Abi would love that" or "She just got some new shoes". But when presenting, I will refer to my male side in the third person.

Now some people might consider that to be somewhat schizophrenic in approach, treating the two sides of my personality as individuals in their own right. And that is not at all how I actually feel it to be. I am both sides, aspects of one inevitably creep into the behaviour of the other. I consider myself to be one person, but that one person has two distinctly different facets. But it seems so natural when in one mode to talk about the other as a separate person. (It also helps when talking to people who don't know about my dressing as Abi can become a "friend" character instead of having to go into details)

The strange thing is.. when I'm in hybrid mode (i.e. round at a mates house with a nice dress and all my jewellery on, but no hair or makeup etc), then I rarely refer to either side, instead referring to everything from the perspective of "me" both sides together in harmony.

Just wondering if anyone else has experienced similar, or indeed whether you find one side to be more dominant and feel it is your "real" side whereas the other is a minor aspect of you etc..

[Jaylyn]

I do believe my male side is the dominate one. I enjoy and love dressing and it does more to satisfy my desires on the feminine side. In my daily life I think of myself as a male but do find since I've started dressing Ive caught myself showing more forgiveness, gentleness, and love for others. Wife says I have really chilled out since she has started helping me discover who Jaylyn is. She does remind me though from time to time that she married Jay so that who she wants more than Jaylyn. By not going out and keeping myself in the closet from every one else I would say Jaylyn doesn't live very well well with Jay. The equal harmony is not there but leans toward the male Jay side. I do enjoy both sides.

[Rachael Leigh]

Abigail I think I understand, I do tend to blend both of my parts either in what I wear or how I refer to Leigh.
Leigh is a part of me but doesn't define me. I am male but yes I have a part that has a different side and it just happens to present as female. It is a tough balance at times especially in a relationship. Who said the realities of life are easy.
Leigh

[Rachelakld]

While a coin, is still a coin, it also has 2 sides.
To be a true coin, with real value, both sides must have the correct representation (otherwise it's a forgery).
So while I am me, I also have 2 sides.
Heads up, I'm male with the "third person" being female
Tail up, Female with the "third person" being male

While that also makes me schizo, I'm fine with it.
Psychics have told me I have a "split soul", I always thought of it as 2 souls because of the way we chat & view the world, but I'm fine with that also.
I am who I am

[kimdl93]

I don't have two identities. I'm really the same person, regardless of how I dress. I don't feel I'm adopting a feminine or masculine persona based on my clothes. However, I do feel that when I'm working, given the nature of my position, I'm perceived as being more assertive and conventionally male than perhaps I really am.

[Katey888]

Abi - if you feel comfortable with how this fits your persona, then you keep doing what makes you feel comfortable and makes sense to you!

It's a slightly different perspective to the other discussions we've had on this, but I'm coming to believe more and more vehemently we should ALL just do this the way we feel most comfortable with ourselves... as individuals... and not feel like we're breaking Section 4, rule vi of the 'Crossdresser Rule Book' - 'Accepted forms and norms of self reference'...

We're all different - I'm clearly heavily 'male normative', but do I get somewhat more feminine and girly when dressed? D'ya think? Of course! Part of this thing for me is to allow that aspect of me out while not being in conflict with the presentation, but it's there all the time - just below the polo shirt and gruff, macho exterior... (I'm kidding - I'm really not massively macho, but I am male... )

As to 'hybrid mode', that's something that would cause me much difficulty and generate a clicking and sparking from behind my eyes like Robby the Robot... but that's still a completely valid part of our individuality. For those of you that are happy with that - fill your boots, say I...

Katey x

[Sarah-RT]

When in male mode and I see clothes or something I'd like to wear I'd say to myself "I'd like that" yet when in female mode I've recently started thinking of myself as a different person.

Crossdressing has certainly had a few things "bleed over" into my male side such as being more caring and thoughtful of others, which can only be a good thing.

I've also started jogging to try lose some weight for my female side so I can present better

I do like to think of myself as a car with two different drivers

[Confucius]

i don't have a female alter ego, and i don't use a female name. Why? Because i wouldn't pass no matter how hard i try. So I have to find my own happy place where I can feel comfortable. I am not unhappy with that situation, and my wife prefers it that way. If I changed personalities and gave myself a female name it would really freak-out my wife.

[Stephanie A]

What a great subject. I find my feminine side is definitely much more submissive. Which is interesting as my male side is certainly not so dominant. It is something that I am living through and exploring. Yet I am the same person and two dimensions to the same person. My feminine side is more soft and more caring and thoughtful and looking to please, and connect. Great subject!
Stephanie

[AbigailJordan]

Some great replies there folks. Thank you for your comments and insights.

Just to clarify, I'm not here looking for some guiding light to follow or advice on where to go from here etc. I'm perfectly happy in the state I choose to be and have been for some time with just a little boundary pushing on certain fronts as readers of my other posts will know.

I was just curious as to how many different ways people consider their feminine side to try and understand more of my sisters.

An interesting point there Stephanie, I've noticed a similar correlation with Abi being generally more submissive despite a definite lack of alpha type masculinity of any sort in my genetic makeup. i'm sure some psychologist somewhere would have something really interesting to say about it, my best guess would be that as a beta male I am automatically attracted to strong alpha females.. I guess that when Abi comes out to play, she can be more submissive than I would be in order to please the dominant force.. who knows

P.S. I also love wolves and their structure.. as you can probably tell lol

[Marcelle]

Hi Abigail,

I think when I first started this journey I preferred to insulate the female side from the male side but as time went on, the two are beginning to blend to the point where I might see a nice outfit and say "I like that outfit" not so much Isha would like that outfit.

Hugs

Isha

[Allisa]

I think I'm similar to Isha, I am just myself. When needed can be very masc.(occupation) or femme with taste in clothes and the like, but always a combo of the two as the natural me. I no longer have two separate thought processes.

[Bridget Ann Gilbert]

How I address the two sides of my personality often depends on the way I'm thinking about them. When I am introspective and engaging in self analysis I often refer to my male and female identities in the third person, almost turing them into objects rather than people. But when I'm in a more normal, subjective frame of mind then I am just me, so when I see a great dress in a store I just think "I could totally rock that!"

[Dana44]

I have always had the feminine side with me, I have pushed it down for more than sixty years. My male side is very dominant. MY female side is still me. As a male I'm caring and stable, calm. In female mode the same. I did do many feminine things in my life while in male mode. I just placed them towards the feminine instincts that I had. So now bring that feminine side out, it seems pretty familiar. I gave it a name so that I could switch my altar ego to her and focus the male side away. Yet it would be there when needed. So in male mode I have to push down the feminine thoughts. In female mode I have to push down the male. But I do not see it as two characters. I feel the same yet in feminine mode and out and about, I must keep that male side down.

[bridget thronton]

I think the two sides are integrated for me - just like my clothes closet male and female stuff hangs happily side by side

[Pat]

I started out keeping my male and female personae separate. I think that's pretty normal as you deal with the idea that you're a man dressing as a woman. But, for me at least, that leads to having behavior that's different depending on "who's in charge." So my male side could be rather callous in situations where my female side would have been more empathetic. That bothered me.

So I started trying to be the same person across both presentations - not as easy as it sounds. Part of the trick is rejecting the "gender binary" (and to be honest I hate the new-age vocabulary, but the vocabulary I was raised on doesn't have the words for this.) Now I'm not oscillating between male and female, I'm in a spot between the two where I can comfortably live in a consistent mental state, although I still tend toward one end of the spectrum or the other on a case-by-case basis. In panic situations, I skew entirely male in other situations I go slightly female.

A friend of mine observing me summed it up simply as "you're a transgender male" which took all my carefully-thought-out philosophical adjustments and coping strategies and put them into a single term that sits pretty comfortably with me. I'm a transgender male. Putting on women's clothes doesn't make me a woman any more than putting on a Batman costume makes me an action hero. Now I have no existential angst when I put on the suit and tie nor when I put on the dress and heels. The same person is inside in either case and the outside is just which superhero I am being at the moment.

[Jackie7]

My closet is like Bridget's, male and female all mixed happily together, and in my mind it's all me jumbled happily together too. My wife is likely to say something like "I saw a cute sweater for Jackie today," but it's just shorthand speech.

[ClosetED]

I like Rachelakld's view - I am a coin. But you talk abut 2 sides and each is given a name to help identify which view you are talking about - heads or tails. So I am one person, but it helps to identify which side/presentation/style of dress/mental mode is being referred to. So I use Ellen to identify to others that part of me. I am only Ellen a small part of the time fully, but the mental mode is always ready to flip over and made an internal comment - "Nice shoes on that woman. They would go well with my new dress" which the male side is not likely to ever say.
Hugs, Ellen

[foxyjj111]

Great post Abi,

I'm very much in the same boat and had the same conversation with my gender therapist yesterday. I feel like there are many individuals who feel 100 percent boy or girl with no in between, and then there is me, who can play both roles depending on how my brain feels that day. There are definitely times where I love being either male or female but I feel as though i need to chose one. Your mention of the word hybrid is a great way of defining the reality that we can be both at once and harmoniously carry on with life. As far as the third person reference, I can't say that I have used a name, but have mentioned 'she' or 'he' in reference to my personas. Such a confusing endeavor we face huh? Funny thing is, I have been totally open with my wife about my issues and she just wants me to continue with honesty and the truth. Its difficult to explain to her that the truth may change depending on to 'whom' she is speaking. Anyway, its good to read your post and see that there are other 'genderfluid' folks like me on the site. Best wishes.

Jess

[pamela7]

as per the OP, i'm "me", I don't have a separate ID, tho i use the name "Pamela" as my ID here

[cheryl reeves]

when i opened up to my wife 16 yrs ago her 2nd response was does she have a name,i told her,her name is teresa cheryl reeves,she told me that was too long a name so we agreed to use cheryl for teresa was to close to my male name. im always cheryl even when in male mode for im likened unto a ftm and a mtf transgender,i look more fem then male. so to me life is a challenge just to be me and something im not. the only physical attribute that shows im male is my mustache which im allowed to only shave if im going to be all cheryl.

[Kandi Robbins]

I tend to do something similar but much of it is because a significant amount of my interaction regarding my crossdressing is done here or in e-mails. It became easier for me to refer to Kandi in the third person or the real me as Kandi's alter ego. As I have grown my female side significantly over the past few months, I haven't noticed that the way in which I think or view the world changes between genders. Rather I have incorporated the best of both "people" into the new version of the old me. I am more loving, I am more accepting, I am more patient, more outgoing, more attentive, more reflective. But those new traits are manifested in my every day life, thanks to my BFF Kandi (oops, there I go again). I find that when dressed, many of my natural inhibitions simply melt away, which allows me to be a better man.

[docrobbysherry]

Yes, I do, Abby. However, I'm a bit different than the average bear, er--, dresser.

I refer to Sherry in the 3rd person even when I'm dressed. Because I'm her only when I'm masked.

Whether dressed or not, I'm just me without the masks.

[sometimes_miss]

Now some people might consider that to be somewhat schizophrenic in approach

Not so much. What you're doing is pretty common for those of us brought up in a society that attaches so great a stigma to anything feminine when it comes to being male. You invent a female persona and assign anything feminine to that, so you can keep believing that you're 'all male'. Most guys cannot accept anything about themselves being feminine, and as the women in our lives can't either, we feel that we have no choice in the matter; to do anything else, could destroy everything we have. But suppressing those thoughts over a lifetime can be exhausting. Which may be why so many 'late bloomers' appear, 'suddenly' developing the urge to crossdress and embrace femininity. Just an opinion.