My wife's comment

[Della]

I've stayed quiet with my dressing and desires around my house, being in a DADT relationship, but I have done things that are on the edge of getting re-outed to my wife, such as wearing a little eye makeup, underdressing, shaving, etc. Last week my wife noticed something, and stated, not for the first time, "I wish I had know before got married and had three kids." She went to our littlest's bedroom and decided to spend the night, responding to my statement, "come back to bed," with "I wouldn't be able to sleep anyhow." It passed and I wore a pair of panties in bed a few days later, and got caught again. I know it's my fault and I am looking for more of a discussion with my wife than silence.

So, I love my wife, I love my children, I'm okay with my work, I'm comfortable with our house, lifestyle, etc., and I don't want any those things to change. But for crossdressing, my wife and I have had, and still have a great, normal, sometimes argumentative relationship. I want her to be happy, but I'm not the person she thought I was when we married. If I had disclosed, based on her comments, our children, who we both adore, would not exist, because she would have ran, and but for the kids, she would still run.

My question, to those with wife's and families who have survived or lost: how did you make if work or why did if fail?

[Leslie Langford]

My situation is much the same as yours, Della, except for the make up and the under-dressing part when I am nominally in drab. After close to 45 years of marriage, mine continues to be DADT relationship and still something of a work in progress. For many of us here, that's about the most we can hope for - and probably best exemplified by the old saying "A devil that you know is better than a devil that you don't know..."

Sorry that I couldn't be more upbeat with my answer, as you had probably hoped for when you started this thread. Then again, I don't believe in sugar-coating the truth, even if it is unpleasant...it's just the way I roll...

[Mistyjo]

Hi Della
My wife and I are very open minded people and when I told her about my crossdressing she was shocked because I always presented my self as manly man I think it caught her off guard but with a lot and of talking and being open and honest with each other we have been married for 24 years and have three kids it takes a lot of work but nothing is easy in life

[bridget thronton]

My wife is not thrilled with it - but she loves me and understands that it is something that is a part of me and is not likely to change.

[cheryl reeves]

me and my wife survived because she knew before we got married even though i kept it from her and in private which was one factor that got me into trouble..but when i came clean she told me we were in this together and together we would try and make it work..sure there are times when i go to far but she reins me back into reality,but without her i would have stayed private instead of being open and honest about who i am...most everyone who knows me knows im tg,side affect of telling your mother who tells everyone...but to make it work you have to have open communication and that means a two way street not a one way street..

[Donnagirl]

Della,

Never give up the communication, never give up on the relationship. My wife was much the same about a year ago and even posted on the forum that she would not have married me had she known what was to come... She is now one of the most accepting, supportive, participative wives anyone of us could possibly hope for.
It takes time, it takes concessions, it takes education, it takes trust, it takes many tears... I'm sure my relationship is nothing special but our love, to use a corny pop song line, conquered all.
I wish you good luck and patience...

Donna

[Secret Drawer]

You seem to be in a hostile form of DADT. When things cool down, you might consider questioning your wife about the idea that had you not been together you wouldn't have your children, and if your CDing is really THAT bad? in the meantime, wearing femme stuff to bed is probably not such a good idea.
I am in a DADT where my wife more or less completely shuts it out. Any tempt of conversation is ignored or subject changed instantly. So... What I do is not purposely show or not show my CDing life to her. I wash my stuff in the normal laundry. I keep everything out in my closet if she wishes to look (and she has, on occasion!). I have underdressed/ androgynous dressed for many years without making it out to be unusual, and we keep an even keeled relationship [OUTSIDE of CDing!]
My wife has accidentally walked in on me changing or dressing/undressing but I resist the temptation to "cover up" or modify my behavior. I just continue as a normal person would. These little details make it less a big deal, and in the long run, seem to ease tensions a bit.
I guess what I am trying to say is that even when there is little to no conversation, you can communicate in a one sided way. First, accept your behavior yourself. Then without pushing it too far, stop hiding it in a "run to the closet" way, but keep your time and family time somewhat seperate. (In other words, no panties to bed!). If your wife happens to see you dressed by suddenly coming home unexpectedly or whatever, then it isn't really on you to worry over it. Of course you should change to drab if it is her wish while she is around. Most important is that you remain her husband and good father, no matter what. Time and patience are the tools to very slowly wearing down that wall every DADT relationship seems to have.

[Marcelle]

Hi Della,

I can't really speak from the experience of someone who is in a DADT relationship as my wife is an accepting and supportive partner. I guess my first question would be "Is there scope for you and your wife to discuss your CDing or is this truly a DADT in that she does not even want to talk about it? If there is scope, I recommend that you invite her to discuss the situation and decide on some "dos and don'ts". I agree with Secret Drawer in that you while you should not alter your behavior, overt examples of dressing when you know your wife will not appreciate it (e.g., undies to bed) is not an appropriate manner to initiate communication. Instead, I might recommend that you both come to an agreement that you will dress at a certain time, certain part of the house and that is your time. Should she feel compelled to walk in, you will not hide or cease. WRT your relationship, communication is the only way forward and perhaps some marital counseling with someone who is versed in couples where gender identity is a central theme. While we can give you advice based on personal experience, it may not be the same for you . . . professionals who deal with this for a living are better suited for such advice.

Hugs and good luck.

Isha

[Stephanie Julianna]

It is always a work in progress and the challenges change as the years go by. I did tell my wife 46 years ago and before and shortly after we were married she tried to be a part of it and could not do it. Then we fell into decades of DADT. I went through many periods of wondering if I shouldn't transition and have SRS but my love for her and the 3 kids with a little help from friends in the CD community kept me from going there. Now my wife is retiring June 30th and things will change again and we will have to have an open conversation about my dressing since she will be home all the time basicly cutting off my dressing at the knees if we don't come up with some agreement. Reviewing what I'm trying to say is that you need to speak with your wife and explain that the person who loves her and the one who likes to dress have always been one and the same but your love for her has always been the constant element. You may not achieve anything better than us as far as dressing but the benefits are well worth the effort. After all these years together, we are now married 44 years as of the 17th and have 3 adult children and 7 grandchildren that I would never trade for all the dresses in the world. You guys need to talk.

[Maxie]

I have been married for 19 years and about 5 months ago told my wife about my dressing. We agreed on boundaries in our house. I only dress when her and the kids are not home. If either one of us needs to talk about how we feel, we go out to Starbucks and let it all out. If either one of us needs comfort or reassurance in dealing with things we do it. I have been able to make the best of the situation by talking to her and respecting her feelings. Sometimes I admit that I get frustrated that I can't dress as much as I would like to, but I don't want to push things or make her feel uncomfortable. Bottom line is that communication is the key to making it work.

[CarlaWestin]

In a DADT relationship, it seems as though there's an underlying conclusion that CDing is wrong. My wife made the comment that she couldn't even leave shortly after I disclosed to her. My response was that she was sadly mistaken if she thought I was something moldable to her specifications. So she lives in the see nothing, hear nothing facade of DADT. We have a wonderful happy and comfortable lifestyle and it is acknowledged that girling it up is my passion of choice. I don't keep anything hidden but, as a courtesy, I don't present around her. And I don't pink fog at all. On the other hand, I have zero tolerance of any negative commentary about cd'ers or transgender. I have the right to be treated with respect. I know that your personal situation is different but, there are times when you just have to draw a line in the sand. My position is, if it really is that bad then you're free to go find your idea of better. I'll help you pack. Harsh? Not compared to what I've already survived.

Added note: Of course, your children are your top priority. Everything you do has to be viewed through the lense of the effect on raising your kids. It's the only thing that we really have to get right.

[AbigailJordan]

Your wife says "she wishes she had known before you got married", it sounds possibly as though she still doesn't really know. From your description, she hasn't made a great deal of effort to find out more about it. Maybe that's a part of the issue. And as you said, you're hoping for more of a discussion, but then, popping on a pair of panties is an action rather than a discussion, and maybe your wife sees it as some kind of rebellious act.

You obviously appear to want to share this with your wife (not the dressing itself but the feelings etc around it). It also sounds like she still holds some resentment for what she believes to have been a deception. It may be that counselling could be useful, or it may just be that you need to find a way to communicate yourselves that both are comfortable with.

If I might make a suggestion, write her a letter. Don't pour everything out, but just say that you realise things aren't perfect and you know that Della is a big part of it and you'd like to talk about it if your wife is willing.. If she has any questions etc. It's very easy for emotions to run away with us in face to face discussions/arguments. in writing, you both have time to consider your replies and your feelings before finalising the words on the page.

[Kate Simmons]

My wife considered me competition as my femme self vying for my attention and spending time. Plus the fact that she told me she could not sleep with a woman. That was the main thing that sunk our marriage.

[Tina_gm]

This may sound a bit harsh, but I just get left shaking my head quite often. For many, a type of dadt relationship has resulted after a reveal. Even if it was at the beginning of the relationship. Perfect? Not by any means. But there is at least no more secrecy and lies. There is also likely more time to dress than prior to the reveal.

Sooo....you know your partner is not into it, and doesn't want to talk about it, or see it. She continues with the relationship with the knowledge of what you do. It is a a lifestyle YOU agreed to. (I am not just referring to the op, but of many who complain about the dadt and do similar things and find their marriage in turmoil )

You agreed, then you start trying to do little things that go against the agreement. Makeup, panties Etc etc. Are any of you surprised when problems arise? You are breaking the agreement! You don't want to talk about it, or ask to change the agreement but then try to sneak around the agreement which is disrespectful and makes things 10 times worse.

I have no words of sympathy. My only advice is either stick to what you agreed to or discuss any changes you want to make or will be making.

[kimdl93]

There may be some things you can do to improve the situation. Start by not trying to incorporate these little tells into your day to day. It appears to be provocative, and not in a good way. Second, actually have a conversation. If your conversations tend to turn argumentative, you may want to have them in the presence of a couples counselor who can help both of learn more effective communication and keep the discussion on track.

And maybe try to keep the discussion in the present. There is no way to turn back the clock, so her point is moot. The question is how, and do you go forward.

[Maria 60]

To me for any relationship to work it has to be about give and take, it can't be all about one party. My wife never seen a problem with me dressing, buys my cloths or whatever I want, but as long as I am happy in the closet and it's our little secret. Of course I want more, we all want more, but I don't want less either. There's a line in the sand for me and there's a line for her also. I don't know why two adults can't find a happy place, yes our wifes didn't sign up for crossdressing husbands, but we are the same person. It's all about both being happy with limits both can live with. It's always better then not living with each other. Don't push to hard and hopefully she will come around

[Krisi]

If you insist on wearing eye makeup, panties, etc. against your wife's wishes, your marriage is headed for a breakup. You can try talking to your wife about how these things make you feel good, but in the end, it may be a choice between dressing and the marriage.

If you can't get your wife to accept some level of dressing, doing it behind her back will lead to trouble. And of course wearing panties to bed in the same bed as your wife will end up with you getting caught.

This is reality and you're going to have to think hard about your choices. Is dressing worth a messy divorce, loss of your wife, children, home, car and half your income?

[NicoleScott]

Gendermutt has it right. Showing is telling, in violation of your Don't Tell obligation under DADT. A partner who can live with the terms of DADT may interpret what she sees (what you consider baby steps towards acceptance) as mission creep to some unknown (and scary) end.

[Sissy_Michelle]

Della,

The biggest success has been communication. We don't keep anything from each other. My wife didn't know before we had gotten married either. Not because I didn't tell her it just never came up or presented itself due to my job. When my desire to dress did come up we spoke about it and we both agreed on the limitations we both wanted. She allows me to underdress whenever I like, we both agree that I shouldn't around our son. She allows me time so if I would like to fully dress around the house alone that is okay, and so on. The limitations set were discussed and agreed on, if either of us wish to change or discuss a certain wish or desire then we sit down and speak about it.

I may not reply very often but I read a lot of posts here. One of the main causes for issues at home is failure to communicate with your spouse. The mother of your children, the woman that you agreed to spend the rest of your life with. Be honest, be loyal, and communicate if you wish to keep her in your life.

@--}----
Michelle

[DonnaT]

Communication and love. It hasn't always been great, but communicating the love, and the fact that this will never go away, helped, I reckon.

I don't wear my wig or makeup around the house, which also helps, as she see's me in a dress not Donna in a dress.

[Sandra]

Lets see you're in a DADT relationship yet you seem to have to push it in your wife's face...sorry but you have only got yourself to blame for your wife's silence. It seems to me that you're just going to go ahead and do things even though you know how she feels....it's all about you!

[Nadine Spirit]

I will be just another voice in the crowd encouraging you to speak before acting. You clearly describe yourself as doing things and then getting "caught." And yet state that you want your wife to discuss things with you. I read this sort of things often from some people. They let their wife know they cross dress, or get "caught" and end up in a DADT and then wait for their wife to bring up the topic to be able to have a discussion.

My wife accepts me as I am, but if I had waited for her to discuss it then I would not be here and I would still be waiting. It is my issue to bring up and always has been. Thus I am the one who has insisted on the dialogue. Thus I think it is your job to facilitate the conversation between you two.

[Dana44]

Della, One thing I did in my relationship was that I sprung it on her by talking to her first, never did anything until then. I then slowly worked from there. Now we have a good relationship and go out on adventures as two babes. It takes a lot of communication. Yet some women may never understand and then it would be a DADT relationship.