The price of my disability (being transgender/transsexual)

[Amanda22]

Hi everyone; I've been away from this forum for a couple of months. It seems longer, but time has felt like it's not moving at all. I want to summarize my situation so that it might help others not quite as far along as myself.

I was married almost 7 years ago to the love of my life. It hurts like hell to write this. I knew I wanted to cross dress before I met her, but suppressed it and never did it behind her back or even owned one piece of women's clothing. I've always had this hangup about being 100% honest. However, to this day I don't believe I was dishonest to not tell her of my need to cross dress because I thought that being in love with her would make that need disappear. I know it's not logical, but that was my reasoning. Of course, being married changed nothing regarding the need to cross dress.

So 4 and a half years ago, I told her about it. She eventually became quite supportive, taking me on shopping trips, encouraging me to dress, buying me feminine gifts, and insisting on weekly Sunday girls nights out. I never took any of this for granted and made darned sure she knew how grateful I was. I always let her initial when I dressed. I never once even asked that we go out as two girlfriends. I let her lead because I didn't want her to think she was getting lost in this.

Last December, I wanted to start growing my hair longer. I was not cross dressing full time at all. I'd only do it a couple of days a week, publicly, and lots of the time around the house since I work exclusively from home. She had a very, very negative reaction to my skipping my haircut and saying I wanted it long in a gender-neutral style that I could take either way. I think that was her signal that this was becoming full time. There would always be some visible part of me (my hair) that couldn't go back in a closet or box.

She suggested I seek information on transitioning because it was clearly where I was headed (according to her). She said that although this wasn't what she wanted, she'd stay with me and support me. We had a great relationship. It isn't her fault, but she realized she just couldn't be married to a person who considered himself female. So she told me she wanted a divorce.

I regret the day I told her four and a half years ago that I consider myself at least partially female. As much as she liked the alternativeness of that, in the end, she's a woman and all she wants is a male. Maybe I'm wrong and have swung too far the opposite way in my thinking, but I now feel no woman is going to be OK with their husband/boyfriend/SO considering himself partially or wholly female. They may even think they are OK with it, but eventually it will all unravel.

My ex-wife is very well connected, socially and professionally, in the city in which we live. We sold our house in three days, she bought a townhouse, and I was so distraught that I rented an apartment to keep from doing anything stupid. Every one of our friends are now only her friends. I've tried reaching out to them very genuinely to let them know I miss them and hope they're doing well. Most don't respond and the ones that do are not nice. I've heard comments about me in public, which make fun of me and frame me as a freak who chose to ruin a marriage. Just yesterday, I had a rude encounter while I was walking alone by the river and crossed paths with a couple of her friends.

So now I'm renting an apartment that feels like a prison cell in a city where I'm unkindly regarded. Every single day is a challenge just to make it to bed time. Every evening is a challenge not to end my life. I can't see any future and spend most of the day crying as I do my work. I'd divorce myself, too, but I can't. Well, I really can, and that involves a knife or bullet. Still options although I'm trying as hard as I can not to do that in case there's some sort of future better than this hell. I don't drink or do drugs, so there isn't any relief there. I don't know whether that's good or bad.

The bottom line is that this divorce has torn my life apart. The goals I thought I'd achieve in life, of a partner, a community with roots, and a retirement with friends and even a trip here or there (I've never even traveled) are all off the table. I must leave this place and although I'm very fortunate to have a job that goes with me, I have no place to go; no where that is saying "come here, things will be OK here."

Look, I know I'm far, far from perfect and I do take the blame for my marriage not surviving just because I blame myself for everything anyhow. My therapist tells me neither of us is at fault. So please, hold off on the judgmental replies. I've probably already said those things to myself.

Just learn from my story: women want men. 100% men.

P.S. - I had an endocrinologist appointment scheduled for February 2015, but rescheduled it two months later because I was not managing life very well. I had that appointment a few days ago. It went perfectly, and I have a bag of Estradiol, androgen blocker, and syringes sitting on my bathroom counter. I feel like moving forward might be another huge life mistake like telling my wife I need to cross dress. It feels so right but will be a bomb exploding in my face later.

[Dianne S]

Hi, Amanda,

Please, please find some help. There are services for people who've undergone trauma, and a divorce can be devastating. If you want to talk, please feel free to PM me. I ended my 23-year-long marriage 6 months ago and went through some of the grief and pain you're now experiencing.

[Jennifer-GWN]

Amanda;

I agree with Dianne on this its a leap to go from Crossdressing to Transitioning unless your squarely in that place from a personal agonizing need perspective. I feel for the struggles you've endured emotionally with regards to your relationship with your partner; very difficult particularly given the acceptance you'd had.

I know the shiny glow of meds will have their beckoning call but please please ensure you are ready.

we are all here to help provide wisdom and guidance but in the end we can't tell you or determine whats right that's an exploration path you need to take and best with a professional. However; if you need your spirits raised and friendly guidance you are welcome to PM me as well. Always have a shoulder.

Find your your way ahead.

Cheers... Jennifer

[kimdl93]

Amanda, you've have suffered some terrible life setbacks, the combined losses of a loved one, a source of support and the network of friends associated with her. The emotional pain associated with the loss is obviously intense. But, you lived successfully for many years before this relationship and if you allow yourself, you'll be able to live an equally or even more positive life in the aftermath. The choice is yours to wallow in self pity, or rise to the occasion. Choose the latter.

Another observation is that you had a bad experience, but you presume far too much. Your former relationship with your ex wife is unique to the two of you. It is not predictive of all women nor all relationships. Yes, some go the way yours has gone, but we have abundant examples right her of relationships which have endured in many different ways.

Finally, this is no time to assess your life nor to make decisions about your future. Now is a time to get yourself back on your feet, emotionally healthy and financially sustainable. Then, with new and healthy life perspective, you can choose the way ahead.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I am sorry this is happening to you and i feel for you and your family.

If you are transsexual there will be no bomb exploding in your face from HRT... if you are transsexual the bomb has already exploded.
But only you can say or know what's in your heart regarding your gender
...we say that all the time here, but its fair to respond that you don't actually really know the answer to that..
One thing that will help you alot if coming to terms with being transsexual or coming to terms with being transgendered with a male and female side...its not both..i know lots of us went on a pretty winding road to "Realize" what it meant to be a transsexual person and then deal with it.. i had to learn the hard way that my "male side" was a fiction i created to cope

i understand you wish you didn't tell her anything but you must accept and understand that it was going to happen at some point...your nature precluded any other possibility...it was only a matter of when
...and if you held out longer that would be unfair to your wife now that you know how she feels about this...

i did almost exactly the same as you.
i "only" crossdressed, and i thought being married and loving my wife would "cure" me...i finally told her i crossdressed as we drifted apart, she flipped out and left me...she kept asking me if i was transsexual and i kept saying (truthfully in my mind) NO....i really feel it will help you alot if you can spend your emotional and intellectual capital on figuring that part out...it can give you something to hold on to.

although you've lost alot, the way to claw back is to help yourself understand who you are and take whatever steps you feel are appropriate for you... its a long slog...i have been there..it is really hard...you have to separate out the baggage and emotion and think long and hard about why you dress, why you dress the way you do, what it means to you to be dressed..etc...are you a woman or not? don't fight your thoughts, just try to get to the bottom of them
understanding and living your true identity is precious..

You can do it ..you owe it to yourself.

If you can discover and live as who you truly are, it is a wonderful thing.

[Heidi Stevens]

Amanda, I'm here for you as well, my friend! When I met with you and Mel last fall, I thought you had a clear grasp on where you were headed. And I think you still do. Some of the big things may have changed, but you probably still have a good sense of which way to progress. Find a good counselor who can help you with the "life in general" stuff.
Also talk with your endocrinologist. I really think you could benefit from HRT right now. I've been on for 4 weeks now and my attitude has improved noticeably. I've had a couple of very stressful events during this period and my wife picked up on how well I maintained composure. Check with your Doc and ask if you should proceed.
Above all, you have friends that care very much about you and we are ready to help you move on, happy and healthy!

[Bria]

Amanda, right now you are suffering from overload. I would suggest that you wait on the meds until you can recover from the after effects of the divorce. I hope that you continue to see your therapist to help you deal with all of the negative feelings. I will remember you in my prayers.

Hugs, Bria

[PaulaQ]

Just learn from my story: women want men. 100% men.

There are women who like trans women, both lesbian and bisexual women.

I'm very sorry for what's happened to you. It really hurts to lose the love of your life. I can relate.

[flatlander_48]

As Adele put it:

"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"

DeeAnn

[Eringirl]

oh my Amanda...So sorry that you have had all this happen to you!! big !!

As with the others, I too am happy to PM should you like to. My wife left me two weeks ago and my mom passed away 3 days before that. So ya, life can suck. But believe me, it is better than the alternative. I know it is cliche, but it is always darkest before the dawn. There are better times ahead. Yes, you will have heart ache, but that will pass with time. I too felt like I was totally abandoned by everyone around me. But I am managing. I am hoping to start HRT in May and looking forward to feeling better with that. Therapists can be great if you have a good one. Make sure you do. Mine are outstanding. They get everything I am going through and have provided some great strategies to cope. And while just getting through the day is a challenge, every day is a success. Celebrate small wins, like simply making it through a day. Do whatever little things you can to make yourself feel better. And they can be simply things, like getting new sheets for your bed in colours you like, or some flowers, candles, any little thing will help. I, for example am currently curled up with my favourite blanket on the couch with a cup of my favourite tea and I feel better. And believe you me, my day didn't start out like that. I pretty much had a minor melt down this morning (noted in my online journal on this site if you are really bored and need something to read !! )

I think you did the right thing to get an apartment and not jump into something as a result of a "knee jerk" reaction. So good for you. Take the time to get some perspective and figure out what you would like to do. And, don't rush yourself. Allow yourself time. It will be a great gift to give yourself. No rush. I am trying to do the same thing. I am trying to find a way to keep the house (buy out my wife) so that I can stay here while I figure out where I want to live.

I know you feel all alone. I know the days feel really long and empty. Honestly I do. But focus on one foot forward at a time. Keep posting here. PM us if you need to. Go see a movie, do something that you like just for you. And get to your therapist as often as you need right now. Anything worth having is worth the effort. You are worth the effort.

It will be okay....

Erin

[Jorja]

First off, I am going to be blunt here. Get that stupid idea about taking your own life out of your head! That does nothing but create more heartache and misery for those left behind.

I am sorry to here of your divorce. It sucks when a marriage comes to an end. Know this though, there is life afterward. Reach down and pull on those bootstraps to rise like a Phoenix from the ashes. You can do whatever it is you want to do in life. You can go wherever you want to go. Believe me, there are much better places that are Trans-friendly than East Tennessee to live. You need to get out and mingle with others. There are women who do enjoy us. You just have to find them. Now wipe your tears, dust off your pretty dress, and go make a great life for yourself.

[Tina955]

Amanda, we don't know each other, but my heart is aching for you right now. I am just going to put it out there, you said "you have no place to go, no where that is saying come here, things will be ok". Well I live in Florida by myself in a 3 bedroom house, and if you feel that getting away from your town for a while may help, you are very welcomed to come down here to my place just to get away for a While. You can even just do your own thing, maybe spend some time at the beach by yourself or whatever like a vacation. I know the feeling of having thoughts of ending all, and that is the only reason I am reaching out to you, there are definitely no ulterior motives whatsoever. Just want to give you an option since you seem to be in a very dark place right now.
For the record, even tho I myself have had suicidal thoughts, my son and daughter already lost their mother, my wife to cancer, so I just can't be that selfish and take myself out of their life.
So PM me if you like, just want to be of some help if I can in what seems to be a unbelievably difficult time in your life.
Hugs, Tina



So PM me if you like.

[lingerieLiz]

I would suggest that you wait on the meds. You need to find yourself. While I was on the fem fog I thought I might well be better as a girl. As I found out I was not attracted to guys and did like many of the things about my male side. Yes you can find friends and SOs that accept.

As for where you live. You have a luxury in that you can move and maintain income. I've lived in many areas of the country and found that there are a lot of great places to live. Pick a place that offers things you like. The truth is that a lot of people move because of jobs. Few people live in the same place all their lives. They make it and find new friends and neighbors. You can do the same.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Mandy, thank you for your hugely moving story. I'm so sorry your decision to be honest has cost you your marriage.

It seems strange and horribly unfair that your wife condoned and encouraged your crossdressing, while in fact she was obviously resenting it- she was not honest in that respect. She also did not need to plunge the knife in so cruelly once she'd left you. I've experienced that, though eventually some of my friendships did recover.

Please don't despair- give it time, go to whatever support you can find, from your past, from family, organizations, clubs, events, charity work, anything to give you a sense of groundedness and self worth. Killing yourself would make a great many people on this forum deeply sad, be sure of that.

Please try to see this time as a horrible phase, but nevertheless a phase. You can and will come through it, but yes, you need to make some radical changes to your life- as you say, thank god your career is mobile.

I'd suggest you postpone thoughts of further transition at this time, just until you feel more stable and settled.

My instinct is that you should send this post, with the exception of the PS, to your ex, so that she sees clearly what she has done. No doubt she has her own take on things, but your clear honesty and the impact her actions have made on you should be recognized.

Keep writing to the forum, take comfort in knowing that many, many people here care about you.

Hugs, Nikki

[Karen62]

Amanda, I'm with Jorja here. The methodology of "divorcing yourself" as you describe are long-term solutions to short-term problems, my dear, and that makes them wrong options for you. You are under enormous stress and grief right now, but trust me on this: time does heal these things. You say you regret telling your wife about your crossdressing, but in time you'll come to see that you actually did the right thing. You told her your truth. To deny and repress that part of you, especially when you believe it is actually profoundly deeper than that, would have elevated the internal stress you felt over time as these feelings we have just don't go away (and in my case, they just got so much stronger over time that it finally became undeniable and unrepressable). It is a tragedy that she ultimately could not accept your truth, but that doesn't change that it was your truth, and frankly, you showed her where your heart was by doing the right thing in telling her. That is a big lesson for you to learn here.

If your truth is deeper than CD, then HRT might be the right course for you. It really helped resolve so much of the angst and pain I was feeling. My big concern for you is whether you are in a stable-enough emotional state where you can objectively judge whether or not this is the right thing for you. These meds aren't just like wearing colored contact lenses! It's the real stuff. BUT, if your truth is that you want -- you NEED -- to transition to living full-time as a woman, to be the authentic woman who you know you are inside, then HRT can be really helpful to you. I urge you to work closely with your doctors (your therapist, your endo, perhaps even your GP, as you might want to explore whether you are dealing with a degree of situational depression that is clouding your thinking -- especially given the self-divorce concept you mentioned). You are truly not alone, you are truly not isolated, and you are truly not without hope. We are all here for you, your friends who love you, and your doctors -- all of us are pulling for you.

Vent like hell, Amanda, but please don't do anything permanently destructive. You have a life to live, feelings to explore, and perhaps a bit of self-acceptance to claim. I agree with your therapist who absolves you from blame. You are no more to blame for your TG nature than you are for your eye color. It's just part of who you are. And there's nothing wrong with that. Do you accept that?

And lastly, once the dust settles, do consider a relocation. You are immersed in the reminders of your old life where you are, and that area is not as open and friendly for those of us who are on the road to transition. It's not an easy road anywhere, but I personally consider myself incredibly lucky to live in the Seattle area.

Let me know if I can help you, Amanda. Please take care and never lose your perspective that what you have: big, terrible, but temporary troubles. You will feel better - just give it some time. And ask for help when you need it.

Karen

[Sandra]

I am sorry that you are going through all of this and hope in time that things will get better for you

Just learn from my story: women want men. 100% men.

I disagree with this somewhat, yes most women do want a man but then there is women like me who are happy to be with our SO's whether they be cds or ts so please don't lump us all together as we are not all the same.

There are women who like trans women, both lesbian and bisexual women.

Why didn't you include hetro women like me? I have no attraction to women at all they do nothing for me, I was attracted to Nigella the person not what gender she was presenting at the time, and also I'm not bisexual.

[charlenesomeone]

So very sorry it has gone the way it has. Some responses may seem trite, but feel for you and please vent as you need to.
Big hug and feeling with you, been through one D as well.
Hugs

[Kris Avery]

Mandy,

I'm always here on PM if you need me.

[Rogina B]

"A change will do you good"...You have no support there..Pack up what matters and start driving and thinking about what you want for yourself. Tina gave you a nice offer that will help. Don't pity yourself.Move on and reinvent yourself for you.

[flatlander_48]

A22:

This point in time is obviously a crossroads for you. It may seem hard to believe, but MANY good things are still possible. They always are. But, the real key doesn't have anything to do with how bad things get. It is how we face hard times, learn from them and point ourselves forward. It is not a perfect world and we are surely imperfect beings. While we may regret, it is a place where we cannot live. That is also true for the past. We cannot live there either. We cannot undo it, change it or pretend that it didn't happen.

Of the negative things that can happen in one's life, the major ones are loss of employment, death of a loved one and divorce. Many of us here, including me, have been through a divorce. It may seem like you will never recover, but you can and you will. One day at a time...

DeeAnn

[Launa]

If you can leave the city your in without too much of a financial loss then I think you should. Everything in your environment reminds you of your circumstances right now. At the same time I'm sure not everybody in your city is narrow minded it just so happens that you're crossing paths with a lot of folks your wife knows. If you work from home that does not help either so you have to get out there as much as you can.
Don't try ending anything, don't do it.

[VickiTheGamer]

I think you should take Tina's offer.
Time away from it all would do you a world of good. Being with someone that understands your situation is even better. Having a place where you can unwind and perhaps even work from if you wish is nothing short of a blessing. Each day you awaken, instead of something negative, you will awaken to a place where you have someone to talk to, to hold you and to be there for you. You will have a beach to walk on where you can relax and think. Most of all, each night when you go to sleep, you will go to sleep knowing you are cared for, loved, valued, and important.

Heck, who knows. If you and Tina find it works really well, perhaps you will become long term room mates. After all, from how it sounds, you could work from there. Perhaps make enough money to pay rent and have a new home?

[Nicole Erin]

Do not end your life. The life that awaits you is WAY better than you can imagine...

Women are often not happy with a partner no matter what. It could be the perfect person "except"...
And that "except" part is all they can focus on. GG's are not as loving and nurturing as the world would have us believe.

Divorce is really hard. Yours sounds typical in that part of "Accepting at first but later changed her mind".
Plus the part about all your mutual friends siding with her. I see that happen a few times. Of course it is always the husbands fault that the marriage was ruined.

Given some time, probably less than you think, you will find how much BETTER life is after divorce. You already know the good things that you lost but let's look at the bad things you will not have to dick with anymore -

No one there nagging your ass about stupid crap like what time you come home or how you dress.
Whether or not you choose to celebrate holidays is YOUR choice, no more "obligations".
No more hearing "But you are married" every time you want to check out good looking people (whoever you are into).
When you have extra cash, what do YOU want to buy?
No more having to hide your web and phone activities.
How do YOU want to live? As a neat freak or a pack rat? Your choice.
Those mutual "friends"? You don't have to pretend to give a rat's ass about them anymore.

And here is something satisfying you may get to enjoy -
If you two stay in amicable contact, eventually she will want to get back with you (after she has a string of failed relationships and realizes what she gave up when she had you) and you get to say "NOPE". Reason is -
You will get used to the freedom of being single really quick.

Right now it sucks for you but give it a little time. The life that awaits you is better than you can even imagine.

Yes I am divorced for 5 years now. Let me tell you what I did today - After some chores, I got prettied up (as I do every day) and went to a friend's about 5:00 in the afternoon and hung out there until about 1:00 in the morning. Didn't no one tell me jack crap about it either. And tomorrow, I might be out of bed at noon.

[ReineD]

I'm sorry you went through all that, Amanda. Truly sorry.

Please take the help of the people who offered. You're in a dark place right now, but please know that things will get better for you. They will turn around.

[DebbieL]

You should absolutely get a therapist who understands and has experience with transgender people. These days, if you let the therapist know immediately that you are transgender, it is unethical for him or her to try and force you to accept your birth gender (aka Conversion Therapy). There may be other issues here, including situational or clinical depression, hormonal or medical problems, and just the trauma of losing a wife and your friends.

The good news is that with the right therapy, you could have so much more, and be so much happier. When my wife left me, I knew she was having an affair, I knew that it would eventually end, and I knew I was severely transgender, but I had never been able to talk to a therapist who was even willing to talk to me about my gender dysphoria. The couple's counselor referred me to a gender therapist and it quickly became clear that I was severely transgender and he started helping me with the Real Life Tests, encouraging me to go to different places, out in public, in private, even to go to places like churches and 12 step meetings. It only took a few months for things to turn around. I did lose my wife, my job, and had limited access to my children, but as I began living my life more authentically, I found a wonderful job with a company where many of the top executives were women. I started making new friends and was even introduced to a woman who wanted to meet me because she wanted a transgender lover. She was bisexual and had been looking for someone like me, and when we were introduced we hit it off and had a wonderful life together.

Later, I met another woman who again sought me out after meeting me at a Halloween dance, and we ended up being together for 15 years. I had to delay transition to be sure that I would be able to be there for the kids if they needed me, but when my daughter finished college, I started transition again. Both of my kids know about Debbie, know Debbie, and like "Mom Debbie" even more than they liked "Dad Rex". My grandson loves "Grandma Debbie".

I met my current wife 10 years ago, and let her know up front that I was transgender. I felt I was too fat and too old to transition, but when my father died, I realized I wasn't getting any younger. After a few difficult discussions I got back to therapy and started the RLT again and soon started HRT. I'm now in the process of looking for a doctor to perform the GCS (Gender Correction Surgery). Everyone I knew knew about Debbie, and when Debbie came to work, to church, and to my inlaws, they all LOVED Debbie. It was so obvious that I was much happier, much more apart of life. They realized that the ways I would annoy and drive them away were a mask, to keep them from seeing the truth and rejecting me. When they saw how happy, friendly, and interested I was in their lives, how I laughed, how I cried, how I literally came alive, they realized that this was the real me. I was lucky that so many of them were so accepting.

I also love working with people more, and am enjoying the social and professional interactions more, and have become much better at managing people. As a man, I came off as gay or effiminate because I couldn't hide my feminine nature. As an older woman, even when some of the masculine strategies come out, people experience it as a tough woman who knows how to be powerful and get people's attention when that is what's needed. Sometimes, I even say "most of the time, I'm your fairy godmother, getting you what you need to be successful, but if things get out of control or you start losing focuse, I can be the wicket witch of the west. Hopefully you won't have to see that". Later, people realize that it is true, and the are sometimes inspired when I stand up for them in the face of unrealistic expectations or attempted exploitation, I've even been called a "mama grizzly" in those situations. I just work very hard to take care of my coworkers and subordinates and at the same time, set realistic expectations for the clients and upper management.

Ultimately, you will find out who you really are. You may be a cross-dresser who doesn't need to transition to be happy, but needs friends and loved ones who understand. Or you may be a transsexual who has struggled for years, trying to hide your feminine nature even from yourself. Either way, once you reach the point where you can truly be true to yourself and honest with others, you will find a happiness you never thought possible.

There were more than a few times when I considered suicide, and even a number of actual attempts. For me the hardest time was puberty, when my body started making bizarre changes that were very much unwanted. I didn't really turn into a masculine male, but instead sort of got the "worst of both worlds". I had a deep bass/baritone singing voice and soft curvy hips and butt. I had spotty facial hair, and soft lean muscles - even in weight training I could lift lots of weight, but the muscles on my arms and legs were long and lean and slender. I looked more like a ballerina than a man. I turned to booze, drugs, and regularly drank myself into blackouts. I enjoyed pleasing both men and women, but couldn't respond when they tried to seduce me as a boy. I told a few people, and often regretted it. My parents knew but had been told that treatment would be horrible (back in the 60s it was inhumane), a guy found out and told everybody I was gay. I told a few of my girl-friends and they dropped me like a hot potato. I had many girl friends, and a few guy friends (most were gay), but because of the mask of pretending to be a boy, even moments that should have been wonderful and happy were often lonely and agonizing.

Today, I am very glad I did not kill myself or overdose, or have an accident, because I love my life today. I even had fun singing bass in a church choir festival in my long flowing summer dress and 4 inch heels.

My biggest regret today - is that I didn't tell a LOT more people a LOT sooner. As a 50+ year old lady, I know that back in the 1960s and 1970s, there was so little known about transgender people (the term didn't even exist), and even with the Internet in the 1980s, it was very difficult to get reliable or consistent information. I knew Virginia Prince by e-mail and regularly corresponded in usenet newsgroups, but even then there were so many fuzzy definitions and distinctions. Cross-dressers hated transsexuals, transsexuals hated drag queens, and the women who successfully transitioned often worked very hard to cover up all traces of their male past. In some cases, only the HR person knew, and only for background checks, that a woman had once been a man.

We are coming out of the dark ages, and in so many parts of the country, and the world, there is a much deeper understanding of the transgender population, the spectrum of transgender behavior, and the medical and neurological aspects of transgender people. We know there are genetic issues, some like me had mothers who took DES to prevent miscarriages, and still others have XXy chromosomes. Even those who are biologically "normal" males often show very subtle biological and emotional traits that make it clear that they are transgender and cannot be any other way. If you had cancer, polio, or a birth defect, would your family and spouse think you were "evil"? Of course not.

It may have been very hard for your spouse to leave you. Unfortunately, her sexual preference is no more easily changed than you being transgender. Your wife was not a lesbian, and never will be. I was lucky enough to find a bisexual woman who could love me as Rex before I transitioned to full time, and could love me as Debbie after. Actually, even after our first date, she was clear that I was not a man, and that we would be lesbians, but she realized that she loved what we did together, and so did I. Transition, including HRT has just increased our love and passion for each other. She's almost as eager for me to have GCS as I am.