Hi everyone; I've been away from this forum for a couple of months. It seems longer, but time has felt like it's not moving at all. I want to summarize my situation so that it might help others not quite as far along as myself.
I was married almost 7 years ago to the love of my life. It hurts like hell to write this. I knew I wanted to cross dress before I met her, but suppressed it and never did it behind her back or even owned one piece of women's clothing. I've always had this hangup about being 100% honest. However, to this day I don't believe I was dishonest to not tell her of my need to cross dress because I thought that being in love with her would make that need disappear. I know it's not logical, but that was my reasoning. Of course, being married changed nothing regarding the need to cross dress.
So 4 and a half years ago, I told her about it. She eventually became quite supportive, taking me on shopping trips, encouraging me to dress, buying me feminine gifts, and insisting on weekly Sunday girls nights out. I never took any of this for granted and made darned sure she knew how grateful I was. I always let her initial when I dressed. I never once even asked that we go out as two girlfriends. I let her lead because I didn't want her to think she was getting lost in this.
Last December, I wanted to start growing my hair longer. I was not cross dressing full time at all. I'd only do it a couple of days a week, publicly, and lots of the time around the house since I work exclusively from home. She had a very, very negative reaction to my skipping my haircut and saying I wanted it long in a gender-neutral style that I could take either way. I think that was her signal that this was becoming full time. There would always be some visible part of me (my hair) that couldn't go back in a closet or box.
She suggested I seek information on transitioning because it was clearly where I was headed (according to her). She said that although this wasn't what she wanted, she'd stay with me and support me. We had a great relationship. It isn't her fault, but she realized she just couldn't be married to a person who considered himself female. So she told me she wanted a divorce.
I regret the day I told her four and a half years ago that I consider myself at least partially female. As much as she liked the alternativeness of that, in the end, she's a woman and all she wants is a male. Maybe I'm wrong and have swung too far the opposite way in my thinking, but I now feel no woman is going to be OK with their husband/boyfriend/SO considering himself partially or wholly female. They may even think they are OK with it, but eventually it will all unravel.
My ex-wife is very well connected, socially and professionally, in the city in which we live. We sold our house in three days, she bought a townhouse, and I was so distraught that I rented an apartment to keep from doing anything stupid. Every one of our friends are now only her friends. I've tried reaching out to them very genuinely to let them know I miss them and hope they're doing well. Most don't respond and the ones that do are not nice. I've heard comments about me in public, which make fun of me and frame me as a freak who chose to ruin a marriage. Just yesterday, I had a rude encounter while I was walking alone by the river and crossed paths with a couple of her friends.
So now I'm renting an apartment that feels like a prison cell in a city where I'm unkindly regarded. Every single day is a challenge just to make it to bed time. Every evening is a challenge not to end my life. I can't see any future and spend most of the day crying as I do my work. I'd divorce myself, too, but I can't. Well, I really can, and that involves a knife or bullet. Still options although I'm trying as hard as I can not to do that in case there's some sort of future better than this hell. I don't drink or do drugs, so there isn't any relief there. I don't know whether that's good or bad.
The bottom line is that this divorce has torn my life apart. The goals I thought I'd achieve in life, of a partner, a community with roots, and a retirement with friends and even a trip here or there (I've never even traveled) are all off the table. I must leave this place and although I'm very fortunate to have a job that goes with me, I have no place to go; no where that is saying "come here, things will be OK here."
Look, I know I'm far, far from perfect and I do take the blame for my marriage not surviving just because I blame myself for everything anyhow. My therapist tells me neither of us is at fault. So please, hold off on the judgmental replies. I've probably already said those things to myself.
Just learn from my story: women want men. 100% men.
P.S. - I had an endocrinologist appointment scheduled for February 2015, but rescheduled it two months later because I was not managing life very well. I had that appointment a few days ago. It went perfectly, and I have a bag of Estradiol, androgen blocker, and syringes sitting on my bathroom counter. I feel like moving forward might be another huge life mistake like telling my wife I need to cross dress. It feels so right but will be a bomb exploding in my face later.