talking about it.

[cheryl reeves]

when i read your post to my wife,she said your wife is being selfish and looking for a reason to divorce you and ruin your life. she said for you to tell your wife ultimatums do not work,for they are designed to take control and stay in control. whats next a new car or divorce,spending sprees for her or divorce. think about it.

[karinels]

I sympathise and empathise with you, Sara. You are in a very difficult situation. I truely see both yours and her side to this. 1998 I started to date who I thought was the best, most beautiful girl I ever had the priviledge to know. We started dating and late 1999 i came out to her as being a cd. She took to it very well at first. supported and stayed with me for 5 years, but then reallity hit her before i realised myself what was happening. Short story long, lol, we broke up in 04, in 2012 i had enough of curiosity and finnaly started meeting with men. By no means am I saying you will do the same, but that is my story, and my ex knew that would happen years before i was willing to admit it to myself, let alone admit it to anyone else. Like I said, I see both sides in your situation, and do not envy you at all. Marrage counseler, therapist, whatever you decide to do now, I truely hope for the best for you and your family. And I also agree that there is more ts/ tg/ cd issues being publicised nowadays that folks are going to start being aware of possibilities. I am not saying it is a good thing for everyone at this time, but it is a step in the right direction for alot of us. Some will suffer, others will advance, but in the long run, it is evolution and the outcome will be better for everyone.

[MissTee]

It would be my hope the both of you could find and consult with a good marriage counselor, preferably one who understands CD-ing. Best of luck to you.

[cdsara]

Well its a roller coaster here now.last night we talked and she doesn't want to lose me. She is on a wife support group now and is going to try to be accepting. She is going to let me underdress at night and see how it goes. We will see.

[jjjjohanne]

I would seek a marriage counselor. If she thinks you can just up and stop, then she doesn't understand crossdressing. (At least not the way it has played out in my life.) She wants you to change. Probably, everyone has to change. A counselor can hopefully help you two find the path to peace on this. In any case, the counselor should help you two talk about this constructively.

[Tina_gm]

Good news Sara that your wife went to the cliff and decided not to jump. While they are a bit extreme, her reactions are not all that uncommon. When I 1st told my wife about wanting to dress, and how I have felt all my life, she went through a lot of emotional turmoil. She questioned to herself if she could stay married to me and if she should. There were a couple of rough moments where there was some real negative comments, and even one of name calling. That was very early on.

I have never been in a true DADT agreement. With my wife and I, it is that I do not dress in her presence, or make it so blatantly obvious, leaving clothes out etc etc. In a true DADT arrangement, one of the downfalls besides a lack of knowledge of what may be happening with you, is that a DADT agreement sort of never gets out of that initial phase. There was the shock, the emotional upheaval aspects, the doubts, insecurities, trust issues which don't get worked through well because then everything goes silent.

I am still in favor of DADT agreements, I believed they have likely help keep many marriages intact for members on this site. What needs to happen before a DADT agreement can be set in place is for the wife to be able to be comfortable with what is going on with you, from an emotional standpoint anyway. She doesn't need to know what you wear, what you have or things like that, but she needs to know as much as you do, what CDing is for you. Are you a guy in girls clothes... dual gender or do you identify as female... Without knowledge of the difference of those, and knowledge of where you are on those, DADT can be a very tricky road for wives I would imagine.

One thing I would advise... is that while she is giving the green light for night time underdressing, I would not go there every night. Sometimes, give her the reassurance that you are still her husband, and at night, that can be one of the most crucial times. Especially if she has had a bad day, or if things in general are a little bumpy. I can't say I am not guilty of this or haven't been in the past myself... but I have learned that sometimes we shouldn't always be pressing right up against the agreements. Pull back every now and then and do it on your own. Just as we sometimes need that break to dress or just express ourselves, many wives need a break from this, and just want the husband they married without the issue. When I offer up time where I express myself or dress for her, she will often repay me in some small but very meaningful heartfelt way. One last word of advice, please go very slow with all of this. Read of many members who have a solid marriage AFTER a reveal, and it often takes years to get to solid ground. It won't happen in a few weeks or a few months. good luck.

[char GG]

Gendermutt gives good advice. Be careful not to go overboard with the underdressing or bedtime dressing. That can quickly become a turn off for some GG's. My guess is that she is afraid she will lose the man she married.

[Nati]

Aymen Allie!!!

[cdsara]

she said last night she is fine with bras and panties but nothing else. then she said as long as the bras don't have cups. so she is thinking like plain sports bras or camis. But that's not much fun. I don't know if I should agree and then negotiate more later or if that's just lying.

[Sharon B.]

I agree with others that are saying there is more to it then just the CD'ing. She is using that as an excuse for a divorce. My ex-wife told me I had the problem that she didn't need to see anybody for counseling, even though I had thought we worked out our differences I was still serve with divorce papers, then she proceeded to call my family and to tell them about the CD'ing. For the most part they knew there were other problems and she was using that as an excuse.

[Di]

Glad you both are trying to sort it out and not get divorced.

she said last night she is fine with bras and panties but nothing else. then she said as long as the bras don't have cups. so she is thinking like plain sports bras or camis. But that's not much fun. I don't know if I should agree and then negotiate more later or if that's just lying.

You wife is trying to tell you what she can take and you say that would not be as much fun ( sport bra or cups...)
AND if you should agree then negotiate later.

Please read again

Gendermutt gives good advice. Be careful not to go overboard with the underdressing or bedtime dressing. That can quickly become a turn off for some GG's. My guess is that she is afraid she will lose the man she married.

I might be wrong and hope I am....but from the little info here it sounds like your wife is telling you what she can take and you really do not care ... and maybe you always push for more .Hope I am wrong.
Please make it about both of you.....that works...you can grow through this together.

[Suzie Petersen]

... But that's not much fun. I don't know if I should agree and then negotiate more later or if that's just lying.

If you already know you are not going to honor that agreement, then yes, that is very close to lying. It would be better to tell her that you are not sure you can stick with that, but that you are willing to try. That leaves the door open for later talks.

Btw, I am with Di about this. Your wife is apparently making an effort to try and find a middle ground and it sounds like you are already working on how to get around the compromise. Not good.

I am a little confused about some of what you are saying. At first it sounded like your wife had trouble accepting that you sometimes dress up in secret and was going to divorce you if you did not stop. Then, a few days later, she is OK with you wearing female clothing in bed?? For most wife's I have ever heard of in this situation, womens clothing in bed was about the last thing they would be OK with!

Gendermutt's advise about being careful not to overdo it is very good too.

- Suzie

[Allsteamedup]

Sara, It must be a couple of years now since your wife became aware of your dressing. In that time you did some very unwise things. You live in a State not well-populated where men are very manly. You chose not to tell her about your dressing before you married and now you have two children.

Your wife was offering you respect when she asked if you could/would make a choice between her and the dressing. She wants to be the woman in your family. And yes, the amount of news coverage transgender issues is receiving at the moment is enough to make a young wife and mother consider what her future holds.

Your wife needs to feel secure in this relationship. I am guessing that your dressing has had a deleterious effect on your sex-life. Most young women are very choosy about this. For this reason under-dressing in the bedroom may not be the way to go.

Your wife's chief concern may be hiding this from your children. Perhaps you can discuss this with her.

[cdsara]

Suzie,
Yes I am confused also. It changing every time we talk. So I just keep talking and I will see where it ends up. I keep asking about her feelings. She seems OK right now and even said I should go buy a few new things and gave me one of her old bras. I think she's testing to see if I go crazy with it. I am holding back right now and just talking a lot.

Also the dressing while we sleep is limited to under my PJs and she doesn't want to see it. She goes to bed before me and is usually asleep when I come down.

[rosetyler]

CDsara, what has your wife said when you raise the possibility of counseling?